Dec 23, 2016
My house is darkest at 7:19 am My hair is softest when i forget to condition it My pulse is hardest when i smell the smoke again
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from India
seen from United States
seen from France
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United Arab Emirates
seen from Malaysia
seen from Denmark
seen from Germany
seen from Denmark
seen from Denmark
seen from United States
seen from Mexico
seen from Denmark
seen from Argentina
seen from United Kingdom
seen from United States
seen from Malaysia
My house is darkest at 7:19 am My hair is softest when i forget to condition it My pulse is hardest when i smell the smoke again
Ok, go ahead and bash on other girls. Sure she got in the way of you and your man, but forreal... you’re gonna blame her? No, you blame the guy you’re with. You blame him for even talking like that to her. He’s the one that’s not staying loyal to your ass. It wasn’t just HER fault, maybe there’s a little part of it if she was trying and knew about you still, but blame mostly the guy that knows he has a relationship and is talking to her like that. Get the fuck out of here for blaming her, that’s just me.
Actually i want to regress too but haha
I'm sso dehydrated lmao i want water more than anything on earth i don't care about my stomach anymore im gonna drink from the tap
burst
The End of the trip
Well this blog didn’t work out as I wanted :/ oh well, i never was really all that good at keeping a diary before.
Things to update you on now. (This is going to be long cuz i need to rant)
Tomorrow is my last full day in Jordan. There is some issue with my visa and apparently I got fined without my knowledge and now I’m stressed about going through customs.
L, the girl who has some sort of anxiety disorder, has officially pissed me off. Usually when she gets freaked out I try to talk her down, calmly and softly, and it seems to help a lot of the time. But yesterday she was upset right before our final because she was handing something in and the professor hadn’t made what he wanted explicitly clear to anyone and we had all turned in different types of work. I tried my usual tactic of calm voice saying to take a deep breath. She fucking yelled at me to LEAVE HER ALONE CAUSE SHE CAN DO IT in front of the teacher and half of the class. I really want to be done helping her, because apparently because I knew her vaguely from class in Chicago and because I am the oldest on this trip it fell to me to deal with her freak outs, but I have gotten so fucking sick of her. It’s not my responsibility to make sure that you can deal with this trip. I know that no one should withhold an opportunity to study abroad from a student with disabilities BUT SHE DIDN’T EVEN TALK TO HER THERAPIST BEFORE SHE CAME HERE, like seriously, she should have at least mentioned it to them before she came OR EVEN SKYPED WITH THEM which for some stupid reason she refused to do. I think she heard “Study in Jordan” and applied without thinking about the issues that she would face when she got here or how she would be able to cope with them. As such it has fallen to me and K, another girl on this trip who was rooming with L until a month ago when she got sick of both L and their host mom and requested a change, to take care of her.
Seriously it is not our responsibility to take care of this student who has these issues, it is her responsibility to realize that what she experiences here might be a trigger for her (Which seem to be everything from sitting down when someone offers her a chair to wandering off when we went to Jerash two weeks ago and she started saying how she should “just fucking die.”) And we were warned of this before we came here. Like we had an orientation in June and they told us that some things that might have been dealt with could resurface, and I know my depression has in some instances come back strongly but I managed to deal with it and when I couldn’t I called my mom who understands everything I have gone through my whole life and knows how to talk me down, even over the phone and the only time during my stay that I flipped, it was the second day and I didn’t have a converter for my phone or my laptop and I didn’t have the wifi connected and my host mom managed to get me calmed enough to figure out the wifi and call my parents. This girl doesn’t know how to deal with her issues or if she does she hasn’t shown it because she hasn’t been dealing with them, she’s been fluctuating between bad and worse whenever she interacts with someone (now it seems to be interacting with anyone because she freaked out after I said something the other day)
Like seriously, last week me and L went into Amman (she was planning on going alone without a working cellphone and that just wasn’t going to happen, like seriously) and she freaked out when trying to order a sandwich from the Shawarma guy and I tried to help her cause she seemed to be nonverbal, which happens sometimes, and then she just ran away and when I caught up to her she was very close to screaming at me that “She was an adult and she can do this on her own.” Okay I am sorry but when you are ten seconds from throwing your phone at the Shawarma guy who doesn’t speak much English and doesn’t understand what is going on with you and I try to placate you because you’re having a nervous breakdown in the middle of the street don’t yell at me that you can handle yourself. And tomorrow I have to stay the night with her because our flight leaves at 6am saturday morning and the taxi is just going to take us both to the airport from her host family’s place.
I don’t even get a real break to recoup from this trip because we start the next quarter at DePaul in about a week.
On a happier, note, the kids of my host family are in denial that I am going away. They are going to Karak tomorrow to visit their family for Christmas and the 5yo told me that I couldn’t go because Santa was coming to Karak. I had to tell him that Santa was going to stop by Chicago after he came here.
Also speaking of Santa. Props to those people who wear the fake beards (or grow real beards) to play the part for kids at malls for days on end. That thing is hot as hell and and slips into your mouth all the time. For reference Santa came to visit the kids yesterday and bring some Pre-Christmas presents and guess who got to be Santa.
Anyways, it’s been an interesting experience, I will most likely try to visit again in the future some time, and I have enjoyed missing the frigid white that is Chicago right now. But I have been homesick most of this trip and I can’t wait to get home and see all of my friends.
For some reason even tho i don't feel great I'm in a really productive mood, like i usually don't actually cook i just heat something up but i cooked lunch and I've been busting out laundry and cleaning since i got up this morning.... I think I'm still in a lowkey mania tbh. Didn't get much closure yesterday
I miss the old me. We all do. But then, we’re like balls rolling on a slanted surface, we won’t stop changing unless we reach that certain force that will make us stop which obviously corresponds to death.We won’t stop changing, and certainly we won’t be going back. It’s like your personality is one big whole equation in which all those memories and feelings are lined up added to one another, and subtraction was not in the equation. I’m really happy that somehow, I now get to learn how to be me. I don’t feel that much suffocated by all the expectations and masks anymore. Hopefully, someday I’d be able to spread my own wings some more.