#12.2.2018

[juckt-mich-einfach-nicht]

Ich habe angst, aber weiß nicht wovor. Es zerreist einen, mit diesem Bauchgefühl aufstehen zu müssen und zu wissen, das man nicht hier her gehört, man denkt sich man macht alles falsch obwohl man noch nicht mal was getan hat. Es tut weh dauerhaft zu denken das man nicht gut genug ist. Ich will sterben.

[juckt-mich-einfach-nicht]

Essen ist auch wieder so eine sache, die wieder schwieriger wird. Sommer kommt, aber mein fetter Bauch der bleibt.

Me

[dearwidevoid]

Sahlo Folina

every now and then to my own soul I can’t attend

honestly it has been everyday that I can’t seem to find a way

I just can’t do it now I simply don’t know how

I really can’t help but tell a lie even though I want to be swallowed alive

how do you mend without bringing about the end

I wish I had a clue to start this day anew

it’s hard to escape what I hate it all feels locked in to fate

will with the sun I rise again?

[ignis-et-equi]

I might have spoiled my fwb last night and spent $100 on dinner and cocktails before sneaking in and finishing a bottle of wine while watching Ralf Breaks the Internet. (The princesses were the best part.)

[phototagebuch]

365/316: Rainy Day

[godsnameisjoy]

12 February 2018

36 minutes at bedtime

The highlight of this session was that the buzzer rang when I was performing the closing ritual. It is just a certain way of breathing out which one is supposed to do at the end of a meditation session. The way is described in the correspondence lessons by Paramhansa Yogananda. The magic in the buzzer ringing at exactly the moment when you are closing is in the fact that I don’t open my eyes during those 36 minutes. So I really don’t know how much time has lapsed after I have begun. It’s a guess that I should begin closing now.

It is rare for this to happen with me. The buzzer and the closing ritual coincided so nicely this time. And I think I know why. I began with a mind that was refusing to meditate. It took a deep breath and some cajoling and then I began with the customary starting prayer. Oh ! The feelings associated with God’s name are so delightfully calming that the mind doesn’t remain stubborn after that. The mind wants to race along with you to the depths of its own self to discover more of its own beautiful nature. Meditation as a habit really helps with this instantaneous getting away from the mundane. Those few minutes spent in pulling the mind gently towards meditation made the end of this session coincide with the 36 minute buzzer.

If you keep your practice identical each day, there is a mental pattern formed. You can always tell if you have arrived at all those things that you arrived at yesterday. That sense of completion decides the beginning of your closing ritual. When the going is good, this moment will come earlier than the scheduled time. When the going is not so good, the scheduled time will come and go and you’ll still want more. When the scheduled duration and the habitual mental closing ritual coincide, it’s a case of good timing.