Weekly Update 5-4-2026
Another pretty slow week folks, nothing too crazy to speak of. I had some big wins but nothing in multitudes. In some ways I feel like taking it easy just as I prepare for lots of big things that are coming. I’ve been really trying to follow J’s advice and not think too much about big future decisions. It is difficult as someone who likes to plan and overthink. I want to be prepared for all things always. As I still try to quiet my mind let’s discuss this week.
I feel strange having hardly read at all this week, but work was a little busy and my mind a little preoccupied elsewhere. I only read one book Cosima’s Club Owner Daddies by Honey Meyer. These more erotic stories are a comfort to me as I don’t really think about them I just read, absorb, and enjoy whatever is on the page. I know the whole point of me wanting to diversify what I read was to get me out of reading exclusively books like these; I don’t want to stop enjoying them, but breaking the cycle of absentmindedness is important. I have a couple nonfiction books I’m still in the process of reading that I’m really enjoying, so I’m not going to hold it against myself for using these books as an escape. Hopefully I will have more books to speak of next week.
I had submitted one of my photos a few weeks ago to a magazine that takes submissions from current and former students from the university I used to but also currently attend. I got an email on Wednesday that the photo I submitted had been selected! I was also invited to the release party next month to pickup a copy of the magazine. I really wasn’t expecting to be selected as these student magazines seem to favor pieces with heavy social commentary when I’ve seen them on exhibition. However being two for two with both entries I’ve made being selected has me both elated and skeptical of my work at the same time. I’ve got a healthy bout of imposter syndrome plaguing the back of my mind; lots of thoughts in the realm of “maybe all the other entries were so bad they didn’t have a choice; maybe they hardly got any submissions and mine was one so they had to pick me without other applicants to chose from; maybe they needed some meh work to offset the really good ones to make it seem like they really pulled from all talent levels.” Trying to quiet these thoughts has been quite the challenge. Been talking with J and G and they have always offered kind words of my work and continue to do so. In some ways I value their opinions a little more both as close friends, but also as people who know a good bit about art and photography. As much as I love and appreciate the feedback from others it’s not quite the same. For now if I can accept compliments and praise without deprecating myself or offering gentle pushback then I will consider that growth. I would like to continue applying for these things especially as J said they can be beneficial on future applications and things long term.
I spent much of the week looking at a variety of programs to do my maters in. I was talking to J about potential avenues and I realized I think I’d really enjoy doing curation whether that be of fine art or of other cultural objects in more of a museum setting in alignment with more heritage style studies. J sent me two programs in the UK for heritage studies, one in Cardiff, Wales and another in Leeds, England. Both are quite large hubs for heritage/cultural studies. We did also talk about the hurdles and difficulties I’ll have doing my masters in the UK. While programs are only a year I will have to do them full time, pay about $30-35k in tuition, and not be able to work more than meager part time hours; all to say that I will be spending more than what I have and not be able to make any of it back. That being said I did also look at programs that I could do online here in the US. I found one through a university in Arizona that I could do online. It would be longer to complete, two years at full time, but tuition would be less overall I think in the ballpark of $20-25k from start to finish. I’d be able to stay here and work as much or as little as I wanted. It won’t give me the foot in the door that I’d want as far as having already be residing in the UK, but I will not have the same financial burden. It is still a lot to think about and consider. J tells me to wait and worry about it as it comes, but G feels more similarly to me in that trying to plan financially is very meaningful. If I can quell the anxiety to where I don’t feel myself falling into a pit of despair I can approach it more thoughtfully, then I can ponder the possibilities more. A balance between the two sides will be I think be the most realistic.
Monday I was able to register for my classes this fall. I was very nervous as each class I wanted only had one section with about 25-30 slots each. Thankfully having already been a student I have senior status for priority registration. I was able to get a spot in each of the four classes I had wanted. I can’t remember if I had already mentioned, but I would really like to try and get my degree in ideally two years. Then ideally another two years I can get my MA. With any luck I can finish my schooling before I’m thirty. Even though that is only five years away and I know that isn’t very old it feels like that is so late in life. Though when I reflect without it I will still be here where I am now feeling unhappy, lonely, and unsatisfied with my life. At least even though it’s later than what I wanted I will be making progress towards a joyful, fulfilling life. I’m also still nervous that I won’t be as good at school as I used to be. In many ways I feel dumber than when I was in school. Hopefully though it’s just part of your anxiety and being back in the box will return me to a sense of normalcy.
Small but moderately monumental week added to the books. As time goes I’m really learning that I am only held back by two things: money and anxiety. Money I only have so much control over, and I am doing my best to save, be reasonable, and make good financial decisions. What I need to work on is my mentality to keep myself out of the rabbit hole of despair of my own making. I can be thoughtful and proactive without losing my sense of reality and blowing things out of proportion. I can also learn to walk myself back from that point during the times I’m not able to keep myself from falling in the deep end. As long as I keep my approach rational I can try and plan my future. Balance is all I need. With that I've also decided to more writing these reflections to Mondays to give myself more time to reflect and not pressure myself to come home and work on my off days. If I push myself to make this a chore and not an outlet than it has lost its real purpose
All my love,
I
