Our 16th anniversary approaches on Monday and I feel loss and confusion instead of the rather drastically opposite things I've felt in the past. Something neither of us can really put words to altho we both recognize it has just changed very much somewhere down the line and yes we are now acknowledging and attempting to talk about it but it's very difficult as most all things have to become and I honestly do not know at this point if there really is anything repairable about what we are/were and yea it's a fact but we're neither of us at all ok with it or aware whatsoever the best course of action, I mean at one point quite some time ago counseling would have mos def been doable but as things are now I SO AM NOT SURE OF FKN ANYTHING IN THE LEAST and that notion rather frightens me!! I was kind of 'freepenning' (that's not a word it turns out but I feel like it should be and I believe we get the gist) on my own at first on this poetry app where you can also have your thoughts/ideas generated into an original work which I ultimately did after just (it's fkn called 'freewriting', duh Cat...) I freewrote for a while on just what we've been able to discuss we're both going thru and how we feel about it both solely and collectively and the overall unknown of how we ended up especially here and IF (that's one big ass two letter word) we can end up figuring a way back to who we used to be!? Like, he keeps saying, "I want my wife back, what did you do with her?" and "Can't you see how you're losing me and how broken I am?" And like, of course yes I do see and I am not at all happy/proud of any of it but like Bruh, "Have you simply not seen or heard AT ALL anything I'd continuously broken down about losing my sparkle (what makes ME the ME THAT YOU LOVE) over 3/4ish yrs ago!? OBVI NOT and that's straight fkn recockulous as all fk cuz I tore my heart out over all this multiple times WAY BEFORE shit had all really hit the fan the way it is now and I REALLY TRULY DO NOT KNO anymore as horrible as that feels to state IF there really is even a way up outta this from where we're at... That's scaring the fkn shit outta me IN THE REAL 💯💯💀🫏
Here's the poem that I'd just created and I do dig how this app took what I had typed there are so articulately popped off with this and this just hits as uncomfortable as that is....
The Fraying Thread
Our silence built a fragile tomb,
Each word unsaid a shadowed room.
The walls we raised, we dared not see,
A love now lost to entropy.
Beneath the rug, the wounds still weep,
The echoes of the past won't sleep.
Is there a thread we might reclaim,
Or only whispers of the flame?
Fk me this hits deep and fkn real... If anyone sees this n you just might have any advice or enlightenment as to how to navigate to the other side of shit like this, PLZ feel free to reach out!
