#2012 thoughts

[quequowle]

IV

Here I go again staring at things, mind completely somewhere else. It’s been days since I've been like this. Almost everything I write are incomplete because I only write until something/someone amuses me out of my thinking. Why does it feel like I've been waiting for something to happen but don’t think I’m ready for it yet? I still don’t know what it is either. It’s a frightening thought to think that it’s slowly coming and I’m not ready for it yet. Especially the thought that I don’t even know what it is!!! 

[quequowle]

III

I'm feeling kind of lonely and it's been embracing me tight enough to slowly suffocate me. I want to wake up reading a good morning text I have never read before, want someone to bring me breakfast in the morning with that perfect morning sunlight, that perfect bedroom setup. Someone to hold. Someone who genuinely gives a damn to what I say just as much as I do. Someone down for some real lovin'. But I'm still so young.

[quequowle]

II

You won't believe how outstretched my thoughts are right now. It is everywhere. I can't seem to focus on anything. Every flashback, every thought appears in a white flash. It's like everywhere I look, there's someone to take a photo of me in a bright flash. And my head aches like hell!!! Aaah... Sooner and sooner I realize there's no truth in all of this. There's no truth in everything. We create our own truth and the thought of it is killing me. It's really, really killing me right now and I don't know why.

[quequowle]

I

I can feel my entirety. I am shaking. Any minute now I could stab a dagger through someone's heart the moment one touches me. I am nauseated. I want to throw up. A series of thoughts come like an avalanche. Every time a thought comes up, a white flash appears before my eyes and it's blinding, blinding, blinding. There it goes. My heart's racing. I'm shaking.

I want to rewrite these thoughts over and over again until I never forget how much I want to forget them.

[fixednmotion]

2012<2013 ?

Thinking about all the things I did and didn't do in 2012. Too many things happened for me to remember but then nothing significant happened that stands out. It's all just a blur. Where did the time go, where were my efforts really invested to? In the end, I'm coming into 2013 with maybe an even more blank slate than I did into 2012. 

I'll probably repeat the same things over again. Try to start my career but set myself back instead. Look for love and someone to complete me but find pain and emptiness again. Why do I need to look for these things to "make me whole"? Why can't I just be satisfied with what I have and what I am? 

Maybe its me trying to achieve Destiny. Maybe Fate wants me to struggle for the benefit of others. Or Karma could be coming for me. Perhaps, God knows and I just need to leave it in His hands. 

No. This is my life, I can't wait around for things to fall in to place. I need to take my soul and plant pieces of it all over the world and see what grows. Maybe i'll create a monster... or maybe a masterpiece. it's time for 2013 to be something New. Not just another year. It WILL be THE year! The year of Me!

[glitzandshadows]

gratuitous 2012 look back 

in hindsight, 2011 was a way worse year for me than 2012. like, the beginning of 2012 had some rough patches (my living situation at school wasn't ideal - there was a lot of silent tension between me and my roommate that i know she never picked up on and that's ok), and it was obviously the traumatising week of christmas training in which like 3 people quit the team and everyone was fighting.... 

but aside from some moments the spring semester was ok? like tbh i can't remember a lot of it but i think that's because it was so relaxing comparatively to last fall when my life was literally hell and i nearly quit the swim team 5 different times... like conference was fun even though i was the only girl among 10 guys... and post season wasn't ever a big deal. 

and even though my summer was a little bit frustrating because i got very very little writing done (but damn i read a lot of books...) i adore my job even though it's just a little deal (and literally the only sad thing about potentially going to oxford this summer is that that's over a month that i won't be working...) and it was a grand time

and 

like

wow fall semester like you were brilliant just in general i had rough patches with my art classes which were super frustrating but really i adore the swim team this year (even though i have said that, yes, the guys team as a collective unit i'm not fond of. individually i do adore them though) and it's super lame and super dumb but thank god for that stupid german boy joining the team because he's made practice fun and tbh if you'd asked me last year if practice could be made fun i probably would have laughed in your face (or started weeping...) 

and the whole mess with said german boy like whatever what happens or doesn't happen w/e this whole thing has been really good for me???? like i've done about 5 things because of this stupid crush that i never thought i'd be brave enough to do ever? (and, like, with crushes i've had on people in the past l m a o no way no way would i have done anything like the things i've done in this situation so yeh) and and he DID DIRECTLY ASK ME TO GET HIM FROM THE AIRPORT like that actually is kind of significant because there are SO MANY people who live in the area that could've picked him up and he KNOWS i live 2 hours away (and 2 hours away is SUCH A LONG TIME for him, like when we were waiting for his luggage Hector asked me when i had gotten to Canton and i told them i'd left kind of early because of the snow and stuff and i said it was a two hour drive and they both were just horrified. ah. europeans.) so yeh that whole situation has been a good time. 

so

2012 man

i really liked 2012 it was a good time 

[silverd4wn]

2012

Has been an incredible up and down year for me. It was the year that I: -

First and most importantly combatted my eating disorder. I gained weight, didn't like it, restricted, lost weight, gained weight and am finally losing it again. Healthily. I healed my body. I gave it the time it needed to fix itself from the inside out. It was a long, drawn out and emotionally painful process. But it's helped me love myself so much more than I ever did before. I'm now so much stronger than I ever have been.

Found myself and explored my personality. I developed likes and dislikes. My self-image changed as my perspective changed. I am older and wiser, I now recognise the importance of sometimes sitting back and using my ears more than my mouth and thinking before speaking. Less is more. I developed my personal music opinions and as music is so crucial to my outlook on life, this in turn changed the lens through which I view life.

Sat my A levels. I worked damn hard. So so hard. My exams were my first priority at all times. I came out with stellar grades and got into the university that wasn't my first choice on my UCAS form, but was first choice in my head. When I visited, it felt so right. I applied despite the entrance requirements technically being higher than I was predicted and higher than my first choice. I went out on a limb, decided not to accept a university that I wasn't happy with and my risk payed off. I got into Lancaster University, after hanging on for 2 days after results day for them to make a decision. I got in. I screamed and cried down the phone. I could sympathise finally with people that cry when they're delivered good news, until then I'd never understood.

I went to Berlin for my 18th birthday. My parents completely surprised me. We visited Berlin for 3 days and it was perfect. I love Europe and I'm completely fascinated with Germany and it's history from the Holy Roman Empire, to the Habsburg Empire, to the states of Germany, unification, the two world wars (not ignoring Nazi rule) until today. I think it's an incredible strong country with a beautiful language and landscapes and beautiful people.

I went to university. It was something I never expected of myself until a year or so ago and to finally make it and break out of the family home, leave the nest and put down roots somewhere else was strange at first but so so exciting. I've met some fantastic people that I never would have met otherwise. I'm part of a top ten university. I'm getting a solid education that will open doors for me in the future. I'm learning all about myself and how I exist as an individual, rather than being shaped by my home life and parents. Oh, and I'm finally up North.

All in all it's been a really fantastic year of ups and downs. I have a billion regrets but looking back, I wouldn't trade any of my choices for the world because living the consequences has made me so much stronger as a person. I can carry this strong person I am into 2013 and I know I've built a strong foundation for a seriously amazing year. Everything's looking up and I know things will continue to get better as I wear in the new year. Exciting times are ahead.

[chalkmuch-blog]

With the rate of the present turn of events in my life, I still long to experience forever. I try to reassure myself that what I did is one of the sanest decisions I could come up in this lifetime of mine. I also accepted the fact that I am not capable of handling a serious and complicated matter. I maybe am smart, intimidating and tough on the outside but I think I’m still the same coward that is taking pleasure at staying inside the comforts of the familiar. Or maybe i just can’t be THAT kind of person that others are expecting me to be. I am sorry for dragging other people in my mistakes. I am sorry for making lots of mess - of tangling and ruining. I never intend to hurt anyone but i guess that’s how life is supposed to be like. We got hurt to learn things and in the process of learning we tend to lose some important people so that we can have a beautiful and fresh start with a wonderful second chance of making things better in our hands. But at the back of all of these lies my silent wish. My silent pleas. My silent longing. That maybe, just maybe, i can be that person that others are expecting me to be.