#2018 thoughts

[yeah-sure-amanda]

I might get some crap for this but whatever. 

I think so far Emmerdale has had a great start to 2018 compared to Coronation Street.

 I literally screamed at the television when Phelan got away with murder for the millionth time. Not in a fun way. A more, “WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!?!” way. How easily they can kill people off these days. Chesney and Sinead aren’t funny or cute. Not enough Adam or Rosie or Gemma or Rita. Kate and Rana’s secret romance is a mess and not in a fun way. Michelle and Robert are fighting. It has been just ‘eh’ so far. I’m mostly annoyed with Phelan and how he is still breathing. 

I silently screamed at the screen during the Joesph Tate reveal, Great Charity scenes with Debbie and Noah. Robert helping Alex, Lachlan and Chrissie scenes, how Adam left the show and the Sugden siblings sharing so many scenes. Jimmy getting screen time. Sam and Lydia being Sam and Lydia (THE BEST COUPLE EVER). It has been a lot of fun, full of sadness and lots of hope for the future. Great start to the year. 

Yeah, I’m hoping I didn’t just shoot myself in the foot for writing this but as of 1/6/2018 at 4:36pm. That is how I feel. 

[aflairformisadventures]

Wrapping Up Odd Ends And All That Stuff

What a year it has been.

I don't really know where to begin, and I don't even know why I'm actually writing an end-of-the-year rant when I know that virtually no one gives a damn about me in this website except for my actual band content, but hey, since it's an ungodly hour of the night and I'm sleep-deprived and running out of stuff to do, why the hell not.

I have had this account for five years now, since 2013, and I never actually got the hang of it. I only came back from it because one random day in my life I felt like being complete Pierce The Veil trash and expressing my overwhelming bandom sentiments in the only place where I knew it might be remotely understood. I didn't expect to be active in terms of posting until I found myself at five in the morning on a fucking school day editing bad PTV memes and wondering what the hell I was doing with my life. Honestly, I can barely fathom why you guys enable my awful content and actually patronise my stuff, but I appreciate everyone all the more for it. It's actually heartwarming to know that there are actual living, walking, breathing human beings out there that get what I post and relate to the shit I spew and actually like them. And here's a little PSA, please feel free to chat me up if you feel like it, because I'm apparently intimidating and I never know how to start conversations, but once we've started I can be a pretty chill guy to talk to. Only if you want to of course. I'm not desperate or anything.

(Sure you aren't Allen.)

I only started becoming active on Tumblr really late this year and yet I already gained an insane amount of followers. An insane fucking amount. Seriously, it's unbelievable like wtf you guys are loco I don't freaking deserve this at all. I also met all these awesome people that are in the same wavelength as me, found fantastic active blogs that really satisfy my bandom trashness, found a whole lot of new earworm-inducing bands to obsess over, and gained a couple of great friends that are really nice to me despite my awkwardness and initial lack of social response. And in all sincerity, I recently realised that wasting my nights making dumb gifs and crappy lyric edits and random 3 AM band posts and out-of-place rants (such as this one tbh), as well as reblogging them, has helped me find a place to express myself creatively and vent out when needed, cope with the shittier parts of my life, and stopped me from doing harmful things to myself again. This is getting a little too real, so I'll maybe cut this short right here and spare you my mental breakdown.

I know I'm gonna regret posting this because I revealed too much of my weakness and must never speak of it again, and I most likely won't be doing this sort of post the next time around, so I'm gonna abuse it for all it's worth. And here goes. To the people that follow me and I follow, to the awesome people that I've met and continue to talk to, to the cool people that I badly want to be my friend but I can't because I'm too awkward to strike up a conversation with them, to the fantastic people that are constantly a part of my notifications, to the people who make brilliant band content that make me laugh and feel alike, to the random people merely passing by, to my personal friends who are seeing this and are disgusted with me rn lmao, to the people who misclicked something and accidentally ended up here, to the people who are actually follower bots, to the probably nonexistent people that actually bothered reading all of this bullshit and putting up with me, thank you so much. Believe me when I say that I have much love for ya'll.

(Aaaand I ended this post with ya'll. My 2018 is forever cursed.)

Happy new year everyone, sorry for being such an overly-sappy fuck, and here's to another great bandom trash-filled year with everyone. And to properly end this...whatever this even is, a couple of lyrics of the song Gold Medal Ribbon from my favourite band (what else?) Pierce The Veil to wrap it all up:

I swear that I can hear you in the wind You're singing to me and you're Dancing in the halls outside again I'm always listening, I swear, I swear, I swear...

[handmaidfullofgrace]

2017

...was something. On one hand, so much happened. On the other hand, it feels like not much happened at all. 

I feel like I started one of my greatest adventures yet - going to grad school (which is out of town and if you know me, that is huge), but I also feel like I didn’t step out of my comfort zone enough, mainly in my social life. It is comforting, however, to remember that sometimes God keeps us somewhere where it doesn’t feel like too much is happening when we really are growing - we just can’t see that growth yet. And I know that a lot happened in my family this year, so that is probably a big reason why I felt pulled to stay with them so much. Also, probably the biggest lesson I learned in 2017 (and am still trying to fully grasp) is that life does not look the same for everyone. We do not all take the same steps and we definitely do not all take them at the same time or in the same order. What my friends did, had, or experienced at 22 will not necessarily be my 22. And that’s okay. 

So in 2018, I pray that I will be given the strength and courage to overcome certain anxieties, take necessary risks, and (as clearly and peacefully as possible) discern the next steps I need to take in my life. Happy new year, everyone!

[anthodesmi]

who is going to fail? me!!!!!!!!!!

whose life is going to fall apart? mine!!!!!!!!

who has no hope left for the future? this bitch right here!!!!!!!!

[wheresmymind-bug]

2018

Last year I had to go through some of the hardest things that I’ve ever had to deal with. 2018 came with so much heart break, beytral, loss, and growth.

The biggest loss and beytral being from someone so close to me, my mother. She kicked me out. I was shocked, my own mother kicked me out without a second thought.

The entire summer I got so lost in trying to forget all the pain that I hadn’t dealt with yet. I didn’t want to think about the fact that my entire family keeps me at arms length now, or the fact that I was living with my friend’s family and had completely lost the meaning of home. I searched for some sliver of happiness in the stupidest things. I partied way too hard and did things that I said I never would.

I was working 60 hours a week at a restaurant that at the time brought me so much happiness but now only brings me frustration.

I fell in love with the one person that was there with me through it all. We were young and reckless, we impulsively made decisions that in the moment seemed great but in the end those decisions are what tore us apart. I loved him with everything I had, but in the end that wasn’t enough. By the end of the year I had completely exhausted myself. I had given all my love to someone only to have them fall out of love so quickly. I’m still so hurt over the loss of him, and honestly I struggle with it everyday.

I had tried my hardest to repair my relationship with my mother. I was just left with the constant feeling that I was begging for her love...How messed up is that? The love a child feels from their parent shouldn’t be something they have to beg for. I lost some of the most meaningful friendships in my life, it completely tore me up to see just how quickly people, who promised they would be there through it all, we’re willing to abandon me.

I can’t act like this whole last year was all bad or that I did it alone. I had so many amazing people that were by my side. I found support and friendships in some people that I had never expected. My biggest supporter was my dad, even from 10 hours away he did everything he could to make sure I had anything I needed. I will never be able to express the amount of gratitude I have for him.

I got to experience so many things that wouldn’t have been possible without all the bad things. I got to spend a lot of this summer getting to know myself in such a deep way. I’m so extremely grateful for everything I’ve experienced, even the bad things.

But I feel like it’s time that i let it go. I’m done letting all of this drag me down, it’s a new year. And honestly I’m so proud of myself.

[eleanorbisexualshellstrop]

The year is finally ending and I say finally cause it feels like it's gone on forever. January legit feels like a life time ago. So much has happened.

I finally ended a relationship that I should have ended a long time ago. I was unhappy and miserable. I had settled thinking that this was my life. This was who I was gonna marry and have babies with. Cause that's what we both wanted. But just because you want the same thing doesn't mean you want them together. And it took me far too long to realise that I deserved better than to feel like I wasn't worth anything.

I had amazing holidays. Spain with my mom was a much needed chill break where it was just me and her. It was lovely and it was warm and the food and drink was awesome. Edinburgh fringe. Not technically a holiday I guess but so so much fun. Just choosing random shows to go to. It's a crazy atmosphere and I would love to do it again.

And Disneyland Paris of course. My absolute highlight of the year. I can't even explain how perfect it was. We were so lucky with the weather and all of our timings and the character interactions. It was the best thing and I honestly couldn't have had a better birthday.

So many cons and shoots and cosplays! Always a fun part of my year. Seeing all my pallos and making new ones. Been pretty on form this year. Super happy with how a lot of them came out. Always gonna have some issues cause my self esteem is still a bit meh but overall happy.

There was a bereavement in my family and I'm still not sure how to process it. It was an awful sad time and still feeling the absence from that.

I moved house with my mom after living in the same house for 11 years. It was kind of weird but settled in very quickly to the new house and there's not really much to say about that.

And I fell in love with my best friend. And we tried to make a go of it. And there was a lot of great moments. We had a lot of fun and laughter and we loved each other so much. It was lovely and I was happy. But we couldn't make it work. We had too much bad. And I hate that. It sucks and it hurts so much. I miss him a lot. I wish there was a way to fix it. I wish that I hadn't have been so stupid. He's still around though. Still friends. And I appreciate the heck out of that friendship. Maybe one day we could try again or maybe we'll find other people. I really don't know. I want us. And I think he does too. It just didn't work the first time so who knows.

So yeah. Very up and down and crazy. My emotions are all over the place. Ending the year single is not where I saw myself. I'm glad I'm out of the negative relationship. Wish I had made the good one work. It's not awful to be single. I get to have a lot of my own time which I like. But it does get lonely. And I do miss that company. Especially falling asleep with someone and waking up with them. That's the part I miss the most. So yeah. Some shitty things have happened. But definitely loads of great amazing things too. Just hope next year is a little less dramatic.

[lastparty]

top seventeen music releases of the year, a list by me

alphabetical order by artist 

good mood - ball park music

boygenius - boygenius

how to socialise & make friends - camp cope

love is dead - chvrches

tell me how you really feel - courtney barnett

high as hope - florence + the machine (also #1 album i think)

wish & wind - heize

sugar mountain - jack river

golden hour - kacey musgraves

10 stories - kim sungkyu

make my bed - king princess

in the sky - mallrat

be the cowboy - mitski 

the perfect red velvet - red velvet

you make my day - seventeen

bloom - troye sivan

nation of two - vance joy

thank u for ur attention 

[lastparty]

top 10 books read this year, a list by me

the hate u give - angie thomas

want - cindy pon

the secret history - donna tartt

echo after echo - amy rose capetta

the inexplicable logic of my life - benjamin alire saenz

summer of salt - katrina leno 

circe - madeline miller

the poppy war - r.f. kuang

the seven husbands of evelyn hugo - taylor jenkins reid 

emily wilson’s translation of the odyssey