Last year I had to go through some of the hardest things that Iāve ever had to deal with. 2018 came with so much heart break, beytral, loss, and growth.
The biggest loss and beytral being from someone so close to me, my mother. She kicked me out. I was shocked, my own mother kicked me out without a second thought.
The entire summer I got so lost in trying to forget all the pain that I hadnāt dealt with yet. I didnāt want to think about the fact that my entire family keeps me at arms length now, or the fact that I was living with my friendās family and had completely lost the meaning of home. I searched for some sliver of happiness in the stupidest things. I partied way too hard and did things that I said I never would.
I was working 60 hours a week at a restaurant that at the time brought me so much happiness but now only brings me frustration.
I fell in love with the one person that was there with me through it all. We were young and reckless, we impulsively made decisions that in the moment seemed great but in the end those decisions are what tore us apart. I loved him with everything I had, but in the end that wasnāt enough. By the end of the year I had completely exhausted myself. I had given all my love to someone only to have them fall out of love so quickly. Iām still so hurt over the loss of him, and honestly I struggle with it everyday.
I had tried my hardest to repair my relationship with my mother. I was just left with the constant feeling that I was begging for her love...How messed up is that? The love a child feels from their parent shouldnāt be something they have to beg for. I lost some of the most meaningful friendships in my life, it completely tore me up to see just how quickly people, who promised they would be there through it all, weāre willing to abandon me.
I canāt act like this whole last year was all bad or that I did it alone. I had so many amazing people that were by my side. I found support and friendships in some people that I had never expected. My biggest supporter was my dad, even from 10 hours away he did everything he could to make sure I had anything I needed. I will never be able to express the amount of gratitude I have for him.
I got to experience so many things that wouldnāt have been possible without all the bad things. I got to spend a lot of this summer getting to know myself in such a deep way. Iām so extremely grateful for everything Iāve experienced, even the bad things.
But I feel like itās time that i let it go. Iām done letting all of this drag me down, itās a new year. And honestly Iām so proud of myself.
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