#224 bees

[mete-moi-meli]

I know the anti-depressants are starting to kick in because my anxiety and cptsd are now back!!!!

[mete-moi-meli]

boy oh boy friends I am not doing well

[mete-moi-meli]

these three lines in this notebook were each written about five years apart and I have no memory of writing any of them

[mete-moi-meli]

my aesthetic is gratuitously complimenting my female customers on their outfits

and finding every opportunity to call a closeted or newly out trans person their real name

and casually promoting sympathy for parents with unruly children

and acting like you can't possibly be serious when you say something problematic

and oh-so-jokily shutting down men who try to creep on girls in front of me

and increasing the friendliness and warmth of my customer service by 300% if it seems like someone is stressed

and looking people in the eye when someone else speaks over them

and watching interactions between women and drunk men just in case

and saying one (1) savage critique in the middle of a speech otherwise more polite than the human mind can quantify

and generally just doing everything I can to be kind, but not complacent

[mete-moi-meli]

do not panic

I just thought it was time to get rid of that name nobody calls me anymore

I figured a reference to ancient lesbian poetry about bees was a good way to do it

[mete-moi-meli]

hello yes don’t mind me just a 21-year-old adult tearing up their bedroom in search of Sims 1 to desperately reclaim a sad facsimile of childhood

[mete-moi-meli]

I completely forgot I scheduled Tiny Bird Appreciation Day for my undergrad thesis deadline day, but I hope you all enjoyed it as much as me.

[mete-moi-meli]

current mood: comfort gothic

you are thirsty. your thirst is bottomless. you make a hot chocolate. you spoon in the powder. another. another. you keep spooning. it keeps dissolving. it will taste delicious. another. another.

you crawl under the covers. you feel alone, but are you really? the blankets seem endless. no matter how you snuggle, they never leave a gap. you are swallowed. no, you are not alone.

you do not remember how you got here. there are friends. they laugh. everything is light. you feel for the void inside you. it has gone. it has sealed up. you do not remember how to go back.

the sound of the rains soothes your thoughts. it is a clear, sunny day outside. people are confused. the news covers the story. it never leaves. it hushes you to sleep.

somehow, you never bruise anymore. your skin is always clear. no matter how you lie with your partner, it never becomes uncomfortable. you cannot move. it is too cosy.

things change when you aren't looking. they are not how you remember. why does your laundry smell nice? where did the food in your fridge come from? someone is watching. they tidy. they restock.  they must be close now. warm arms envelop you. they are here.