May 1, 2018
April 30, 2018 - Day 315
I was planning on being more productive than I was this morning, but I did get some more done on this cross stitch.
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April 30, 2018 - Day 315
I was planning on being more productive than I was this morning, but I did get some more done on this cross stitch.
30 April 2018
37 minutes at bedtime
Last night’s meditation session was full of movement. Sadly so. The cover I put on my shoulders fluttered. As a response I moved. This is the reason why my meditation duration lasted longer than my recent trend.
Every time I made an adjustment with my body, I had to go all the way from the conscious right in, till the deep subconscious. This distance takes a few moments to cover. Unfortunately, once I would reach a calmness in breathing, the mind would go right out to deal with something physical. This happened a few times over.
Thankfully, I did find myself reaching that familiar moment of feeling satiated with meditation, much before the timer buzzer at 39 minutes. There were a good 1&1/2 minutes left when I stopped. And I have been stopping only after ‘deep subconscious overdose’ !
Towards the end of last night’s bodily restless meditation, I did settle into the technique. The breath did slow. The mind was watchful. The mind was slowing and readily expressing the subconscious images. That’s when I stopped.
‘Never arrived at that sweet spot in the mind where it is easy to keep the subconscious tugs at bay. Hopefully, I’ll get lucky tonight.
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Weird headaches... ugh. Not fun.
Was getting depressed last night, but maybe I was just tired and stressed out, trying to stay awake for some reason. Just trying to be ok.
Ended up saying that I felt bad to someone. I hope it's not too much.
I know they have enough real life stress, the last thing they need is some crazy girl venting about stuff.
Overthinking ruins things.
It bothers me a bit still, but if someone is really sick and won't get help, then it's not my damn fault. Done with trying to help and support useless garbage human beings.
I'm far from perfect, but I don't deserve to be treated that way. Them being so immature too, so it's no use. I was done with it ages ago, but no. Idiot. What the hell is the point? Trying to make me the bad guy? You're ruining things all by yourself, nothing to do with me.
Chybí mi doba, kdy jsem mohla celé odpoledne strávit ponořená v knížce, celou noc psaním příběhů a celé dopoledne dřímáním ve škole. Chybí mi doba, kdy jsme si se sestrou hrály s panenkama. Chybí mi doba, kdy rodiče chodili do práce a nemluvili o sobě hnusně, protože neměli čas si na sebe ani vzpomenout. Chybí mi hodně věcí.
Teď je to jinak. Jednou mi bude chybět ježdění po nemocnicích, předělávání prezentací, přemýšlení o budoucnosti a moje kytičky. Ale klinická biochemie mi chybět nebude. Nesnášim klinickou biochemii.
Jsem zvyklá pohlížet na většinu postů na tumblru jako na pravdivé a deep věci, ale když se nad nimi zamyslím, někdy mi dojde, jaký je ten člověk vlastně kokot. A ještě má tu drzost si myslet, že je chytřejší než všichni kolem. Fakt jako... ugh.