my personal garbage

sideblog (please don't follow, thanks)

[not4kedz]

I just wanted to feel better for once.

[not4kedz]

I'm going to get my independence back.

Little by little.

But I will get it.

You can't stop me.

[not4kedz]

💊💊💊

I was sooo tired and nervous, but hey, it's all good now.

I don't have to worry about meds for a while, yay.

I'm not too depressed or anxious either.

I hope my happiness won't be too much to handle for other folks. 😂

[not4kedz]

2-3 hours... Or more?

God dammit, don't... Well if you could just give what I need...

Dunno though.

So useless. Hmph. Frustrading.

[not4kedz]

Constant battle (I just want peace for once)

I get so worried, everything seems almost impossible to deal with.

Unbearable to handle.

And yet things we're kinda handled? Well, for one day...

And now it's back to how tf do I get things done.

I just need something. Not even that much. (I think?)

I dunno anymore. Just gimme something and leave me be.

Please?

There's enough to deal next week anyway.

[not4kedz]

When you finally find some clarity, but feel the need to mess it up again.

This isn't funny.

I wish I wasn't here.

People who claim to help only make everything difficult.

They just want to control everything and when shit hits the fan they are so surprised, even though they did every wrong thing ever.

Yelling, demanding impossible things, making it seem it's all your fault and they got nothing at all to do with it. Making you feel worthless and unwanted.

And yet that lazy slob is still dozing off.

Anxiety levels are fcking high.

[not4kedz]

"My roommate" your ex-girlfriend right? Why don't you say it then?

[not4kedz]

Sunny, sunny I need some... oh nvm...

I like him at times, but he's not mine. No one is.

But talking to him sparked something positive.

Less alone.

It's fine.

I hope he can figure out what's bothering him.

I have my own demons and boring issues.

It's so sunny. I wanna go outside.

I want to laugh and have fun and not worry all the time about everything.

I want to love. How tacky... but true. Kinda...

I wish I could say it without this pain tearing old wounds open again.

No, no, let's not go there.

Ok, ok it's nice right now and we are all ok, aren't we? Yeah?

[not4kedz]

☠

Alcohol and pills make you wanna do outrageous things.

And not wanna give a shit about anything real.

Because nothing is real.

And then you lose your fcking mind.

If you go too far.

And then nothing is fun anymore.

You're not yourself or anyone else.

Just images rushing through your head.

Wishing you were yourself at least.

But you're not.

Just a random lunatic sweating.

Don't think doing heroin or meth is the only fcked up thing to do to yourself.

What's more pathetic? You can't compare much.

It's all shit in the end.

(I hope you rot.)

[not4kedz]

🍸💊

Nothing like vodka in the morning. 🍸

Maybe pop a half a pill, if they still work. 💊

Lovely.

Did you know that your lil sweetheart is a self-destructive addict?

Eventually you will.

And then you better run.

Save yourself.

[not4kedz]

Drink, drink away

Drink away the pain

Numb yourself, so you forget yourself

At least for today

[not4kedz]

Why?

What do you want? What do you think you'll get?

I'm attracting the wrong people and I don't know how to help it.

I don't want anymore dumb pain. Not hurting or getting hurt.

Someone could get hurt now...

I'm so tired of this!

What do they expect? For me to save them?

I'm not some perfect magical creature. I'm only human.

A damaged, difficult, crazy human full of scars.

Not your saviour.

No.

Just let me be.

[not4kedz]

Can't wait til Monday. Agh.

Ready to leave my brain full of pain and agony.

Bad memories.

[not4kedz]

It is OVER (it's been over for months anyway)

Am I lying to myself? Wait, no. I'm not.

I am fighting the urge. The urge to say something. But I know why already, why he did that. He would just be making lame excuses or insult me again.

You really thought I'd be waiting for your abusive ass to come back to harm me more? Try to mindfck me?

Think again. You will never have me.

It's over and you know it. Or at least you should.

Stop playing around. You are not a child.

So you wanna have fun? Too bad life isn't always fun, and you gotta take responsibilty over your actions.

Go away.

Ruin your own life, if that's what you want and leave me out of it.

[not4kedz]

//I'll slit my wrists and you'll drown in my blood//

[not4kedz]

Second half now around 23:38 whoopdedoo.

Let's see if this does anything!!!! Go at me mf's.

[not4kedz]

💊💊💊💊💊💊

Go ahead, judge me.

You fcking waste of space.

Mindless blob.

Tr*mp supporter.

R/acist.

Pr*-lyfe.