30 Days of Submission: Day 6
What do you feel are the roots of your submission? Do you think it has something to do with childhood? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?
I don’t know that there is a “root cause” of my submission. The attraction I have to dominance and the enjoyment of being submissive to my man are just things that I happen to like. Even before I was in a D/s relationship, going back as far as I remember I was drawn to those themes in books or movies. I don’t think there’s really any specific event or thing that caused me to want to be a submissive, but I do think that there are some personality traits that make submission feel extra good to me.
I sometimes struggle with perfectionism- not the kind that actually makes you look good to the outside world but makes you feel like an imposter. Mine is the kind where if you mess up it sends you down the spiral and it makes it difficult to do things that you won’t be able to keep up perfectly. With submission, I hand over the decision of what is good enough to my dom. He makes sure that reasonable expectations are set for each day, rather than allowing me to set myself up for failure by piling too much on. He decides if I should get leniency or if I should keep pushing myself on a day where things don’t go according to plan. It’s very helpful to me to let someone who sees things more objectively than I do to make those decisions. It allows me to feel good about what I have accomplished in a day rather than feeling like I probably could have done xyz before getting into bed if I had just tried harder.
Additionally, I do have a natural tendency to be a rule follower and a people pleaser. These are traits that I am working on making specific to those I most care about- unfortunately, it’s not so easy for me, so it’ll take a while for me to iron that issue out. However, in our relationship, D/s has been very helpful for us because of the communication and appreciation we each have for the other’s role in our day-to-day lives. I wrote this post that goes into more detail on how we are better able to speak each other’s love languages (his: acts of service, mine: words of affirmation) as a D/s couple. Essentially, D/s helps us be much more explicit about what our needs and wants are, which of course, make it easier for me to please him.
As for the last couple questions, I definitely get a sexual thrill from being his submissive. I find his ownership/authority over me to be a major turn-on. I always tell him how much I love being his girl. Of course, our version of D/s is an all-the-time thing, so not every moment is based on sex. Most of the time, it’s all based on the warmth, care, and love that comes from relating to each other the way we do.
My dominant takes care of me by:
Setting rules. Some of the rules are things I need to do to take care of myself, some are things I need to do for our relationship, and some are things I need to do to take care of him. The rules we have help to keep my goals as a person and as a wife in focus.
Providing accountability. If I break a rule or go outside any established boundaries we have, he corrects me. The accountability he provides has helped me to establish important routines for myself and for our relationship. It helps me to keep what is really important in our lives as a central focus. This also helps me with the perfectionism issue I mentioned above, because it feels like the slate is wiped clean. I don’t have to worry about going down the spiral. I’m able (and kind of have to) get right back on that horse if I fall off :)
Taking the lead. As the dominant partner, he makes a lot of decisions and takes on the responsibility of the final say. It’s actually a big relief to be able to talk things out and be able to trust that he’ll make the best decision he can. It also tends to take a lot of tension out of situations because we both know that the final decision rests with him.
I take care of my dominant by:
Following rules/orders. Since the rules he’s put in place serve me, him, and the relationship, there are things that I do as part of my everyday rules that feel like love to him. For example, I have rules regarding housekeeping. Me taking care of those things is one of the ways he experiences love. We also have a rule about sexual availability, so when I follow those rules, it is taking care of some of the big needs/wants he has in our relationship.
Being submissive. One thing I’ve learned since we became D/s is that my willingness to submit to him means something to him. I don’t want to try to explain it all, because I’m not sure I fully understand it or if I could put it into words accurately. But I think he feels my submission (both my submission in general and specific acts of submission) as a form of respect for who he is. It’s become an important piece of who we are as a couple.
I would classify our D/s and DD as relationship management tools in that they have opened up a lot more communication relating to our wants and needs within the relationship. Also, the hierarchical nature sets us up in leader/follower roles which takes so much ambiguity out of so many situations. I think being my dominant also makes it much easier for D to address things with me. Before, those conversations could be delicate, because he had things he wanted/needed to bring up, but he also wanted to avoid being an asshole. It can be a difficult line to navigate when you’re 50/50. There can be a lot of second guessing about whether you’re making a reasonable request, or if it’s something you should just do yourself if you’re particular about how something is done, and balancing what each of you are responsible for, how to handle disagreements when you both feel “right,” etc. Now that he knows I’m happy to be his submissive and to prioritize his wants, it’s so much easier for him to bring things up and talk about them, and even set expectations. It makes him happier because he knows he has a lot of control around how things are in our day-to-day lives, and it makes me happier because I know exactly what he wants. There have been a few conversations where we’ve talked about past situations and it ends with him saying, “Yeah, I would spank you if you did that now.” My mischief has been managed :)
Credit: 30 Days of Submission Prompts by @barefootbychoice.
