#31days2016

[concreteopinions]

True. Love. Waits. (It's about time) #radiohead #amoonshapedpool #music #31days2016

[bpdchicken]

Day 7: Have you ever dissociated? If so, how often?

i have. i’d say pretty often. every day usually. the real question here is when am i not dissociating.

[bpdchicken]

Day 6: How’s your love life?

non-existent. the only thing going on right now is platonic sexting with this girl who texts me when she’s drunk and wants to be turned on. literally all we know about each other are our names and that we go to school. 

i don’t know if i want a love life, to be honest. i love being in love, i love girls, but i feel like it brings more emotional anguish to me than it does happiness. i ruin things, i ruin people, i split on them, i get left behind. 

i don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. 

[bpdchicken]

Day 5: Have you ever written a suicide note?

i haven’t done this. i have, however, thought about this subject a lot. and i’ve come to the conclusion that if i were to ever leave this planet, i actually wouldn’t want to write a note. i wouldn’t even want to kill myself anywhere where any of my family members could find me.

[bpdchicken]

Day 4: Have you ever attempted suicide?

no, i only ever have suicidal ideations. 

[bpdchicken]

Day 3: Do you self-harm? If yes, how?

i do, not as often as i used to anymore though. i scratch and bruise parts of me no one will see. 

[bpdchicken]

Day 2: Why did your last friendship end?

the last friendship i ended was with my ex-fp. i call her my ex-fp, and it’s been months since i last talked to her, but she’s more of an ex-friend than she is an ex-fp. i hate that i still think she’s my fp. 

our friendship ended because i was splitting way too much. i don’t think there was a day where i didn’t hate her with every fibre of my being, but also loved her with every fibre of my being. it got to a point in our relationship where i had her block me on all her social media so i couldn’t check if she was ignoring me, and check on all her friends which i vehemently believed she loved way more than she did me. and she just wanted to get rid of me but i was still there. 

she could never love me the way i loved her, i wanted her to be my best friend, and as a result of that i hurt her on a daily basis. i couldn’t handle that anymore, so i told her it’d be best if we weren’t friends anymore. and i still do think that was the best decision i ever made. 

she didn’t love me, and that’s okay.

[bpdchicken]

i’ve been deciding whether i wanted to do the 31 days of bpd or not. something just happened to me, and i think it’d be a good process for me. i’ve missed a few days though so i will do them all on the same day!

Day 1: Think of the last time you were really angry. Why was that?

my memory has been extremely spotty lately, so i have to go back to an old memory for this question. the last time i felt like there was this extreme rage was a few months ago, i think. it was because my ex-fp (who lives thousands of miles away from me) thought it would be a good idea to ex-communicate with me for like 10+ days?? i desperately tried to contact her through everything. i tried calling her, texting her, messaging her through tumblr, twitter, facebook, reddit, snapchat. i even tried messaging her girlfriend. and i got absolutely nothing from her until she decided i wasn’t worthless anymore and responded to me. 

and just before this, i talked to her about my bpd. which was the worst thing about this. because she knew all of that and yet she still did this to me. and then she comes back and tells me she did it because she didn’t want me to get mad about something she did. and it’s like, oh okay. so i can’t get mad over this now. because then she’ll leave again right. so i let her shove this under the rug. but i will never be able to forget how this made me feel. this was honestly one of the worst experiences of my life, and i really hope it didn’t break me.