#34crei

[kingseph]

There’s a girl from the party I’m serving crying in the bathroom too lol.

#mood

[kingseph]

What’s wrong boo? What’s with the :(

I just posted about it but, I’m just not believing in myself very much.

It’s silly, and everyone else thinks I can do it. But I just am scared what if I can’t.

But I shouldn’t think those things.

But my longing for japan is so strong so so so strong. No one understands or ever could understand how strong of a pull it has on me.

How am I just supposed to carry on? The harder I work the more likely I’ll be back but I feel so downtrodden. Idk. It’s stupid, but it’s been a problem lately.

I’m sure it’ll blow over..

[kingseph]

I’m at work like kinda having an anxiety attack or something idk I feel so wrong in my body and I just want to go home and I’m on the verge of crying.

I see my friends going out and living their dreams and everyone believes in me to be successful in mine but what if I don’t? What if I disappoint them? I’m so scared...

Logically I know it’ll be okay. But gosh I’m having a hard time. Maybe I need to delete social media for awhile. Except for tumblr I guess. Idk...

However they’re playing Let it Rock in the bathroom and that’s hard to cry to so I guess I’ll just hold it in.

I just wanna go home.

[kingseph]

You may notice my new header and new icon.

The icon I just doodled in class one day while I was bored.

But the header is 34Co.’s handwriting and that’s how much I still am not over it. Hahaha....

[kingseph]

When will it be over? When can I rest? Why is it I remember in 5th grade thinking- I really have to go through 11 or more years of this? I remember crying. Why do I have to do so many useless activities? What is the point of most of this just “busy work”. I just want to rest!!

That was 5th grade me.

And here I am 11 years later and oh, 5th grade me... I still want to rest. I just want to rest. I want no worries, and I just want to breathe. I just want to take like a month off of life.

A girl I studied abroad with is going back to japan. She has a job. She graduated, has a job and is going to live there.

Where will I be? Where will I be?

Will I ever get to rest?

[kingseph]

I also ate so much garbage today that I feel sick.

Also I'm getting a cold, but wait! I just got over a cold like a week ago! But waiiiiit! It's probably the same cold and caused by working yourself too hard.

FRICK.

[kingseph]

I'd say I'm hormonal and that explains it but I've been bad for awhile.

The hormones just make it so it's outward instead of inward.

[kingseph]

It's weird how I'm fine and happy if I'm with my boyfriend but the second I'm out of his presence the world seems to end.

And I mean that's unhealthy but it sounds like a dumb horribly written young adult romance novel and I'm not about that life.

I want to be happy on my own, I want my inner dialogue to be good, I want to have healthy eating habits without being regulated by another person, I don't know why I'm so awful to myself when I'm not in his presence?

: (

He really does feel like a part of me. It's almost scary. Like he is a part of me and it gets ripped out when I'm not in his presence. Why is that? Idk....