#34co.

[kingseph]

I’m meeting Co. on Friday. For the first time since my study abroad. If you are new here you can look back at my tags and see how in love (and obsessed) I was with him. But he was also very into me and cared deeply for me. We embraced and cried when I left. He came to the bus stop at 6am with snacks and drinks for my trip. I cried so hard and loud on that bus as I watched him wave goodbye.

He’s come a long way since being a manager at 711. He’s started his own company, goes on business trips, wears /tailored/ suits now. Same smile too big for his face. Same humour. I have still kept in contact with him all these years. The first man I loved. The one I had many opportunities to kiss and did not take. I do not care, if there is an opportunity I will take it. I am chaotic neutral for a reason and I think frankly, not that i’ll ever be in a relationship with him. Always just friends. But, the opportunity to know him? Touch him? As always I have wanted. Now with both of us something to hold us back. Equal in our morality. I still every so often ache for him. You don’t forget your first love.

I can’t wait to hear his voice. I can’t wait to be able to talk with him even better than before. (Since my japanese is much better and I know some chinese). My love, my dear, Co.

[kingseph]

Ugh 34co. And I were true romance. (This is not a knock against my fiancé nor is it my feelings changing in anyway I’m just being reflective bc im nostalgic and i really really did love co. I loved him at the time more than I had ever loved anyone else- now only surpassed by my fiancé- so just to get that out of the way-)

I mean, Co. and I never did anything more than hug eachother and stand close to one another. But the pining. The pain. The aching.

The games we played. The mental dances we did. It was unlike anything i’ve seen or done. Always up to the line- never crossing it but just millimeters away. The sexual tension when we sat in the car together. When we stood next to eachother. When we complimented eachother.

I still can’t believe we didn’t speak eachother’s language. And I was far from fluent in Japanese. The non verbal communication.

Idk there just isn’t words. Only feelings. Only the ache in my heart that still comes that still says I should have kissed him. Maybe in the car? Maybe as I left the subway. Maybe before I got on the bus to the airport. You know, when he held me close to his chest, tears on both of our faces, saying- “don’t be sad, we’ll meet again. Your family will be so happy to see you... we will meet again” I cried so hard on that bus as we drive away. Me? Crying? In public? Loudly? In JAPAN? Unheard of. But oh god oh god the pain. I have felt very little like that. Luckily.

I don’t think the romance was worth the pain, but looking back on it nostalgiclly is nice. A movie you can feel. But one that fades with time.

[kingseph]

I just took a short journey to read some stuff in my 34co. Tag and oh my god I realized something. He really did like me. He really did like me back.

How did I not see it? He still messages me even now but how could I not see it then? I mean... I didn’t want to hurt him but... I didn’t want to hurt anyone. He cared for me.

He would come out of the back when I was in the store, he would hover over me sometimes and touch my hands, he would try to get me to come to his register, he asked me to hang out a few times. Heck! One time we went somewhere to pick out clothes for him and the lady who was helping us thought for sure we were a couple/we were going to be a couple. He paid for my food, gave me his personal lighter, gave me life advice, REMEMBERED MY FAVORITE FLAVOR OF VITAMIN WATER AND EVEN THO OUR STORE DIDN’T CARRY IT HE WOULD BUY SOME AND BRING IT TO ME WHEN I WORKED!!!! HE CAME AND SAW ME OFF AT 6AM!!!!

HOLY SHIT HE LOVED ME TOO. HOLY SHIT.

[kingseph]

You may notice my new header and new icon.

The icon I just doodled in class one day while I was bored.

But the header is 34Co.’s handwriting and that’s how much I still am not over it. Hahaha....

[kingseph]

Why is it the two times I actually decide to do something moral I regret it SO much. No regrets I tell myself, just do the thing I tell myself. And then I get the opportunity, perfect opportunity, offered up to me on a platter. I could do the thing, I could have it. TWICE. TWICE I could have had what I wanted and honestly I don’t think anything bad would have come from either of those times if I took the chance. But I didn’t take the chances, I took the moral route. And the first one I still think about to this day. And the second one is just DRAGGING on me.

I should have taken it I should have taken it. I’m chaotic neutral for a reason! To heck with this morality stuff I do what I want, I dig my OWN holes and sit in them!

I always regret what I didn’t do.

What would the taste of twice victorious have been?

Like softness and salt and blue camel cigarettes?

Is the “moral” road really in my best interest?

[kingseph]

I wrote his name for the first time in a long time in Japanese... and the kanji wasn’t even on the predicted text list. It used to be first....

[kingseph]

I can cry on command.

I just think about 34co.

Boom! I'm sobbing.

Works like a charm 😉✨

[kingseph]

I’d like to say i’m over it but really i’m gonna fly across the world once more because it means I may see his smiling face again. And even though I love the boy I am with and I appreciate him immensely. I still think of your grinning eyes and way of speaking. How you say welcome when people enter the store, how you look into my eyes, straight into my soul and ask simply about the weather.  How is it that even though neither of us speak eachother’s native language it is you that I fell so hard for.  A bow legged, average looking, getting up to middle aged Chinese man who works at a convenience store.  Completely unassuming. And yet, AND YET. It is your thin body that I wish to hold in my arms and that I pray everyday that someone is holding you in theirs.  I believe you are appreciated. And that is why I hold back. All I want is to see you. To hear you. To touch your shoulder again.  さよならじゃないよ。また会うよ。 This isn’t goodbye, we’ll meet again.  He said, as he saw me off at 6am in the morning. As I teared up looking into his own teary eyes.  Why was he crying? Why did he come?  I still love him. It’s been almost a year since I fell for him.  I wish I could still be working along side of him.