Conversation between future priestly me and a 39 articles supporter ghost from the past
Me: -leading a Eucharistic procession-
39 Articles Ghost: "The Sacrament of the Lord's Supper was not by Christ's ordinance reserved, carried about, lifted up, or worshiped!"
Nearby Altar Server: -angrily rings Sanctus bells in 39 articles ghost's direction-
39 Articles Ghost: BELLS! Good heavens!
-upon reading my theses' on Calvinism and predestination-
39 Articles Ghost: -rips my theses'- Thou cream-faced loon!
Me: Well, purgatory is certainly essential to the understanding of the salvation of souls who may not have...
39 Articles Ghost: "That -Romeish- doctrine concerning purgatory, pardons, worshiping and adoration, as well as teh images of relics and also invocations of saints, is a fond thing...
Me: Ah yes, I am quite fond of those things! :D
39 Articles Ghost: -death glare- VAINNNNNLY invented! And granted upon NO warranty of Scripture, but rather REPUGNANT to the Word of God!
Me: But you know, scripture isn't the only thing, we have reason and trad...
39 Articles Ghost: THOU ART AS LOATHSOME AS A TOAD!
Me: As we can see in the book of Second Maccabees....
39 Articles Ghost: "And the other books (as Hierome saith) the Church...doth not apply them to establish any doctrine!
39 Articles Ghost: The Sainte and Godlye Jerome, of course.
Me: Oh, him. He was quite Vul-ger.
39 Articles Ghost: We are not amused.
Me: -In a hospital- Oh hello Johnny, I heard you got your appendix taken out. I'm here to administer the sacrament of heal...
39 Articles Ghost: -dramatically opens hospital curtain- AWAY WITH YE PAPIST PRIEST! AWAY from this innocent and pure PROTESTANT child!
Johnny: Fr. Brown, what's going on here?
Me: Oh nothing Johnny, it's just your anesthesia wearing off, pay it no mind. I will continue now with the sacrament of...
39 Articles Ghost: "There are TWO sacraments of Christ our Lor din the gospel--Baptism and the Lord's Supper!"
39 Articles Ghost: Those five commonly called...-insert condescending tone here- "Sacraments" are not to be counted as Sacraments of the Gospel! They are the result of the corrupt following the Apostles as they have no visible sign or ceremony ordained by God!
Me: But even the Scriptures order us to anoint the sick with oil and...
39 Articles Ghost: THERE'S NO MORE FAITH IN THEE THAN IN A STEWED PRUNE!
Johnny: Father Brown, I want them to put me back to sleep for a bit.
Me: No worries Johnny, he's going to hunt down some Jesuits in a minute and be gone from here, and we can continue.
39 Articles Ghost: JESUITS!? WHERE! -runs away- TREASSONNN!
-My congregation kneels in prayer before the Blessed Sacrament in a beautiful side chapel-
-Enter 39 articles ghost, disgusted at the images and saints on the wall-
39 Articles Ghost: -loudly interrupting- "THE SACRAMENTS WERE NOT ORDAINED OF CHRIST to be gazed upon, or to be carried about! They that do so purchase themselves to DAMNATION!
Pious old woman: -Gently whaps 39 articles ghost with her cane-
-during Eucharistic prayer-
Me: That it may become for us the Body and Blood of Christ
39 Articles Ghost (drowned out by Sanctus bells): "Transubstantiation can not be proved by Holy Writ, and is repugnant to the plain words of Scripture!"
-Administering communion to 39 articles Ghost-
Me: The Body of Christ, the bread of heaven.
39 Articles Ghost: The cup of the Lord is not to be denied to the lay people! Both parts ought to be ministered to all Christian men alike!
Me: The Blood of Christ, the cup of salvation
39 Articles Ghost: Wait, you agree with me here?
Me: Of course! The cup of salvation is for all men...and -women.
39 Articles Ghost: Hrrumph. Well, I don't like your vestments...garments of Satan!
Me: Garments of satin, actually. Hail satin!
39 Articles Ghost: Bishops, Priests, and Deacons are not commanded by God's law to abstain from marriage. It is therefore lawful for them to marry to better their Godliness!
Me: I quite agree! Have you met my husband Skipper?
39 Articles Ghost: -gasps in horror- You, minion, are too saucy!
Me: Alright 39 articles ghost, a lot has changed since Elizabeth the first was queen. The Church has been ruled by a lot more queens since then, and we aren't going to take your Calvinism anymore.
39 Articles Ghost: Hrrrumph! You are repugnant to the word of scripture!
Me: Your theology is generally repugnant and has no warranty in reason!
39 Articles Ghost: Hrrrumph. I'm going to go haunt someone cool now. Someone like...Mark Driscoll
Me: Oh, I think you two will get a long quite well.