Apr 3, 2019
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seen from China
Lion’s Teeth
Like the dandelions of summer
We were labeled weeds by experts with no degrees
And sunshine by those that understand a little better
The breath of life, all around, it tears us apart
For such is the cost of a wish
But floating away never felt as freeing
As when we were adrift with nowhere to go but everywhere
Bare your soul. Bare your soul. Bare your soul
I haven’t felt this in such a long time. eager to release myself into sleep. Cuz it’s the gentlest thing to do
I feel like a dripping wound
Fifteen minutes before I have to leave for work and of course I'm feeling thoughtful. Charlie, Trent, Trevor, and Erin. All people I've met since moving out west.
Trevor was talking to me this morning about his latest conquest, the one he was asking me for advice for. Dude was pussy footing around her, not sure if she wanted to bang. I told him to just make the first move. I'm jealous in a weird way. I'm insecure. Trevor is much more traditionally attractive than I am, which means this girl is likely to be hot as fuck. And she works with him for the forest service. Lumberjack girl loves drinking beer and smoking pot. Exactly his type.
But whatever. I'm gonna see him in 3 weeks. We're gonna fuck like rabbits and it'll be all good.
Theres more, but I gotta go to work. Trent kinda sucks in bed and I don't know what to do about it. Charlie wants to bang. Erin... Erin is a trip. My life is sex, sleep, work, and coffee.
March 4, 2019 - Day 258
A treat of mousse while working the evening shift.
And I opened the chat and replied: "Yes count me in and do it quick before I run out of money", then I set the group chat on "mute for one year" not with the intention of not replying or ignoring, but I was truely not ready to share talk, and more importantly not ready to receive notifications on an hourly basis. I am simply not ready to make a decision of shutting myself off and at the same time not ready to be there.
I am hurt, and that's making me sad.
I have never dealt with her but always had an eye on her. She was judged all the time for not being like a girl of her age. Socially unaccepted behavior was normal for her. I never wanted to be same but was always curious to know what's happening. I have never personally dealt with her nor was keen to reunite at any given time.
Less than an hour later I saw someone saying she passed away. I judged, I can't deny. That's awful. But I have something deep in my heart that says we never know, like we literally never know. I deeply wish for mercy and lots of blessings.
I am hurt, and this makes me sad, and what happens is just a suitable environment that would nourish the feeling. It's a very good excuse for the mood to stay and relax.
I would wish to spend a long time sleeping, but I know that's nothing but quitting and I know I am responsible, and that hurts.
"لا ليس حبًا بالتأكيد .. لكن الهشاشة النفسية تجعلك تتشبث بأي إنسان و تشعر بأنك تهيم به حبًا"