Everything I Didn’t Say (Calum Hood x Reader) Pt.2
pt.1
Every time you thought about telling Calum your feelings, you imagined he would throw his arms around you, kiss you and tell you that he’s felt the same way for years. You imagined him telling you everything you wanted to hear. You imagined him asking you to be his one and only and you two would be the couple people only saw in magazines.
But of course, like everything, things didn’t turn our like you planned. Hell, you didn’t even plan on going to the party, let alone meeting Calum, let alone telling him all these feelings you’ve kept buried successfully for years.
When you finally got to your hotel room, you took off your makeup, and changed into your pajamas before leaning into the warm embrace of your bed. Instead of partaking in your nightly routine of editing photos with some crappy reality show playing in the background, you lay on your back and thought about something that you’ve been purposely avoiding for the past two hours. What just happened with Calum?
You replayed the whole incident in your head. Calum didn’t just sound confused, he sounded hurt and angry. You thought about his voice, how it was hoarse like he was exhausted. You thought about how he strained to raise his voice like he was holding back tears. You thought about how you could see the vein in his neck protruding. You thought about how his fists were clenched, even when his head hung in defeat. All of these images flashed though your mind, and your heart hurt.
But, what hurt even more, what made your heart sink and what made your whole body curl up as if to protect itself, was his reaction. His reaction when you finally told him the words you longed to tell anyone for years. How he looked emotionless, slightly shocked but emotionless. He didn’t unclench his fists. He didn’t wrap his arms around you. And he definitely didn’t tell you that you were his one and only. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t even try and stop you from walking away. The more you thought about it, the more it hurt. Your body seemed to grow smaller and smaller. You tried to hold yourself, feeling as if you might literally fall apart, limb by limb.
You heard a knock on your door, but you couldn’t bring yourself to get up or even call out to ask who it was. You guessed it was Ashton checking up on you, and thought that if you didn’t answer he would leave, presuming you were asleep.
But it wasn’t Ashton, and whoever it was, didn’t want to wait for you to answer the door. The door opened slowly and you pulled the cover over your head, remembering when Ashton told you to always lock the door after him and Michael walked in on you changing. The door closed and you could hear that someone was in the room with you.
"(Y / n)".
You instantly knew who was standing three meters away from your bed.
You stuck your head up from over the covers to see a disheveled Calum.
“Go away” you whispered and pulled the cover over your head again.
“I’m not leaving (y/n)” he said walking closer, usually he would smile about how you always looked so small in huge hotel beds but right now, all he could think about what he wanted to say.
When you found out he really wasn’t leaving you sat up. Not caring about your hair that was sticking out in every direction, or that your face was red and blotchy.
You looked at each other in silence, not knowing what to say. Suddenly Calum spoke up, “Can I hug you?”. You just nodded and the next thing you knew you were sitting on Calum’s lap, hugging him tightly with tears streaming down your face. In that moment, you didn’t care about anything, you just needed him to hold you. Finally, you pulled away and looked at Calum’s face, it was evident he had been crying, you felt that all too familiar sting in your heart.
You climbed off his lap and looked at your hands, that were hidden with the sleeved of your sweater. “Why are you here” you asked,not looking up, all emotion drained from your voice.
“To apologise, and to finally tell you how i feel”
When you looked up Calum was staring at you.
“Oh” you choked out.
“I like you too (y/n). I like you so fucking much I think I’m in love with you. I don’t know why I never told you sooner. I don’t know how I didn’t see that I was hurting you. I never wanted to hurt you (y/n). All of these girls were, like throwing themselves at me all of a sudden and i thought “why not?” because i was convinced you had no interest in me. I knew, I thought, I would never have a chance with you so I lapped in the attention, but I wanted more. I wanted you. I wanted to just grab your face and kiss you. I wanted to hold your hand. I wanted to take you on dates. But as far as I knew you had no interest in me, and you acted the same around me as you did around the boys. I was sleeping with any girl that came my way in the hopes that I would eventually lose these feelings. I didn’t see I was hurting you. I am so fucking blind (y/n).”
Tears were streaming down both of your faces.
“When I started seeing you less and less I thought I was going to die” He continued. “I could barely sleep. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t even concentrate on a show. That’s the effect on me (y/n). I can’t live without you. And I understand why you distanced yourself, I was hurting you so much you had to protect yourself. I didn’t know what to say when you told me you liked me. I didn’t think it was real. But I like you. I like everything about you and I’m so, so sorry for ever hurting you (y/n)”
He was now sat on the end of your bed with his head in his hands.
You got up and pulled him up so you both were standing.
He looked so vulnerable and you could see that he meant everything he said.
You held his face and looked at him for a few moments before kissing him once. You wrapped your around his neck and pulled him into a hug whispering “It’s okay”, letting him know that you understand. He pulled you closer and buried his head in your neck. You two stood like that for what felt like hours, in a comfortable silence. There was nothing else that needed to be said and there was nothing else you wanted.
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