I wonder who looks at my tumblr anymore. Only few people have it or had it. My ex who probably never cared to even look at it once. Even though I only give it to people I trust. You can learn a lot about me from my entries. And you didn't bother to. You didn't bother to even try and understand.
My friend deactivated. She probably doesn't look at this anymore. He probably stopped after our fight. And who else has it? Really noone.
How do you know when you even ever mattered to someone. Is it when they tell you you matter. Because they can just come right back and say they never loved you. That all those times they said I love you and You're mine that it was just a fucking lie and nothing they said was true and you don't matter and nothing you ever did was good enough for them and then they break your heart.
But you heal. And you realize that living the way someone else wants you to, and portraying yourself in a ceryain way. It just isn't you. You won't be emotionally available in relationships for a while hell maybe months I still am not. But with yourself. Be kind, understand that you are hurting. Understand that there could not have been a worse time for this to happen. That he haunts your dreams and you are getting surgery and your life is not going the way you had planned. I know. But what ever goes perfectly. What is perfect? Learn to relove yourself. Your flaws and imperfections, but also your rocking bod and personality. Anyone would kill for all that.
Take a sick day, when you are sick in health and mind. Take pictures. Of yourself, of things you find beautiful. And be honest. Because you are great, you are fine, you are going to be all right. And you know it. Just accept it.