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a single-sided beef so niche you have to light a votive to see it:

so you know by now of my great (perhaps unparalleled) love for and devotion to wikipedia (ie the nightly reading of to unwind, the invention of games based upon, the making of found poetry from, etc), so no need to get into that.

anyway. I was doing my nightly wikipedia reading to unwind, as usual, when I was confronted with one of my Secret Nemeses (in that they don’t know they’re my nemesis, because they don’t know I exist), American Professional Accountant and Unpaid Volunteer Forensic Sketch Artist Carl Koppelman.

American Professional Accountant and Unpaid Volunteer Forensic Sketch Artist Carl Koppelman (as he describes himself on his wiki page—I am certain he’s behind the wheel of his own online presence, if the preening of “unpaid volunteer” didn’t set your whiskers a-twitching) will be perhaps already familiar to you if you spend any time doing any looking-into of true crime or specific cases; his Unpaid Volunteering both on his Wacom and with his editor privs means his is pretty much the only Forensic Sketch Artwork you’re going to encounter of missing or unknown victims. if there’s a forensic sketch in the article it’s a gd Koppelman, linked in the description to his wikipedia page every time.

and something about it makes me seethe. Carl, you hack, why does every Jane Doe look freshly picked from the fucking Cabbage Patch. why, Carl. are they all standing in front of clouds and golden rays. it’s not even the pearly gates of it that I mind so much, Carl, even though I do indeed mind that. it’s the Sears Portrait Studio-assedness of it. and somehow your ass is the only ass that exists. do you not have taxes to do, Professional Accountant Carl Koppelman. instead of getting clowned by reality every time some poor woman’s identity is discovered twenty-seven years later and an actual photograph of her as a gangly sunny flashing giggling moody opaque silly bashful squeamish triumphant glorious hesitant headstrong vanished fourteen-year-old reality actually emerges and she’s actual and she’s beautiful and you made her look like you always do, every single one of them, and it’s not ever even close to right, not even a little bit, which brings me to why are you somehow the only person on the internet telling us what our lost girls looked like, American Professional Accountant and Unpaid Volunteer Forensic Sketch Artist and My Nemesis Carl Koppelman?

this has been A Beef

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#a beef