TIMING: End of May
PARTIES: @normallee
LOCATION: Champlain Falls
SUMMARY: Erin finds out the hard way what the difference between a lizard and a phlizard is. Norma is of absolutely no help.
CONTENT WARNINGS: none
Erin couldn’t remember the last time she’d taken the time to stretch her legs along the trails of the gift that was White Crest National Park. It’d been too long, she did know that. Her mother had still been alive, she was sure of it. Back when the shadows that danced between the trees and foliage only meant that the sun was going down or that the wind was picking up. She’d hike for hours, often alone. Completely unsuspecting and completely at peace. Knowing what she did now, she wasn’t sure how she’d skated through those small adventures without more than a few mosquito bites and a touch of sunburn on her nose. Fear had kept her away, like it had kept her from most things she used to enjoy since returning home. Didn’t feel fair, and after some brief contemplation, she found herself shrugging on a pair of old hiking boots and took the drive to the trail she knew led to Champlain Falls. It was finally warming up, too cold for a proper jump into the water pools, but just the sound was enough to start the calm. Maybe try to remember what it was like for a few hours to be one of those naive locals who could move about freely with little thought to the shadows again. Thankfully she was alone. Most people were at work or school on a weekday afternoon. A perk of owning her own business. She could step away for a few hours when she absolutely needed it. Today, she did.
And for a while, it was pretty normal. The hike went smoothly and she’d made it to the falls at just about lunch time. Reaching down, eyes on the falling stream ahead of her, her hands only found the blanket where her sandwich had been moments ago. “What the hell,” she murmured to herself, shuffling around. No dice. Just a damp trail along the blanket. A flicker of movement caught her eye. It moved fast--a lizard, maybe? Hard to tell. What she did know was that it was making off with her lunch. “Get back here, you little--” She jumped to her feet and started after it.
The last time Norma had been on a hike in White Crest, she had run into flying monkeys. She very much hoped that the trek to the falls a fae told her about would end differently. Or perhaps similarly if the flying monkeys weren’t chasing her. She imagined that the situation would be full of wonderful chaos and a true treat if it had been happening to an unsuspecting human rather than herself. Alas, that was not the case. This time she was determined to get things right, appear very human. She had searched the internet and was told that once humans get to waterfalls, they often had picnics. She then searched how one had those. The internet gave her a list of things to bring and she packed up her basket and made her way to the scenic spot through the winding paths.
It would make sitting by the falls waiting for jumpers to vanish look less conspicuous. At least, that was what she hoped. When she arrived at the falls, Norma opened her basket and started to set her food on the ground. She lined up the ham and cheese slices in a way she had seen online just directly on the ground. The trash bag she had with her she laid out on the ground next to the food to sit on. It was difficult to get right at first, it kept trying to fly away. The blanket she draped over her shoulders even though she was not at all cold. It was a very nice temperature out but if humans usually had picnic blankets, what else was she to do? She had to keep appearances up, after all.
Norma had just settled down to sit and watch the human chaos when it seemed to find her instead. A smile curved onto her face as she watched a philzard crawl over to another human strangely sitting on top of her blanket. Did she know that wasn’t correct? Before Norma could correct her, the reptile had stolen her sandwich strangely placed on top of the blanket and the human was after the creature. “Oh, you should probably let that phlizard go. I have more food if you’d like some,” she said with a smile, gesturing at the cheese squares lined up along the rocks in front of her.
Erin hadn’t even noticed the other woman at first, too caught up in the chase, until she spoke up. The orange squares of cheese lining the rocks made her pause. Hard. Was that a joke? She didn’t pick up on the ph pronunciation. “I don’t--uh, no thanks,” she answered with a wary gaze, her feet trekking towards where she saw the lizard disappear. “I’m more concerned about the lizard getting sick. Can lizards eat peanut butter?” She asked, kneeling to lift up some of the small, loose rocks the creature had whizzed across. Lizards ate bugs, she’d read somewhere once, and were generally carnivorous. The reptile was taking its own fate into its hands here, and while she normally wouldn’t have cared what happened to it because of that, just once she wanted to leave something as good as she left it. Even if it was this stupid little lizard. The rock in her hand dropped back into the mud with a damp thud and she glanced over at the strange woman, brushing the hair from her face with the back of her hand. “You didn’t happen to see where it went did you?”
“Oh I wouldn’t worry about the philzard, I’m sure it’s fine.” Humans were so strange. Norma couldn’t imagine feeling compassion for a strange creature that had taken off with her food. She was grateful for the food it was providing her, of course. “I would worry much more about you.” And the philzard’s spray. The smile on her face grew a bit wider. “Are you certain you would rather have that sandwich and not any of the food I have? I made a very nice spread,” she said, gesturing once more to the cheese and ham on the rocks, all placed in a careful row. It really was in this human’s best interest to leave the creature alone and accept that her meal was misplaced for good. However, it did benefit Norma much more if she encouraged this hunt. She could feel traces of frustration building in the air. Good. Chaos wasn’t far behind. Especially not if things went the way they always did with phlizards. So Norma squinted her eyes and looked around a bit. There wasn’t anything she could see just yet, so she stood up, carefully placing her blanket over the food and trash bag for safe keeping, and looked around. “There!” she said, pointing at the small tail wiggling its way out of sight, leaving a trail through the mud as it dragged the sandwich along. “It went that way, we should go chase it.” This would be entertaining if nothing else.
“I think I can handle a lizard,” Erin muttered offhandedly as she glanced around the edge of the water, then back to the other woman. There was something off here, something she couldn’t quite put her finger on. That smile definitely wasn’t a warm, friendly one, she knew that much. Her brow rose sharply at the display. “Really--no.” She paused again, genuinely unsure about everything happening with this stranger. “Is there a… joke or something here I’m not getting?” She gestured to the rocks with food on them. Are you okay? Was going to be the next question out of her mouth when she started pointing. “Oh, good eye!” Erin caught the tail end as it slithered away, a mucus-y trail in its wake. She nodded at the woman, more determined than ever to catch this thing. This wasn’t how she expected her afternoon to go but--it could’ve been worse, right? She was on the lizard’s trail, flipping the rocks it was scuttling under, always a few steps behind. This sucker was fast. “Aha!” She shouted when it had cornered itself, too large to fit between the piles of rocks it had run towards. At least not with the sandwich between its jaw. They’d come to an impasse it seemed. Her entire body froze, afraid a sudden move would startle it away.
“Oh god, that’s the ugliest lizard I’ve ever seen in my life,” she remarked, bending her knees ever so slowly, grabbing a stick beside her. “That’s a good lizard. Very good. We just don’t want you getting sick,” she started, using the same soft voice she used on Betty in hopes to coax her into doing something. “I think I got this,” she said to the woman. Quickly she jabbed the stick into the sandwich, knocking it out of the lizard’s mouth and cementing it in place so it couldn’t run away with it. Erin grinned wide but all too soon. As soon as the phlizard’s mouth was empty, it spat out a low, angry hiss followed by a spray of mucus. Erin yelped, groaning as she fell backwards into the mud. “Oh, god, what the fuck,” she sputtered, wiping the slime off of her face and neck, feeling it trickle down her arm and chest. Her heart spiked. It burned.
For a moment, Norma wondered if a normal human would warn the woman, perhaps stop her or pull her away from the lizard. No, she decided, most humans were quite awful to one another, especially to strangers. She had learned that much in her many years on the planet. She was sure of it. So while her hand reached out to pull her back, hovering before falling back to her side, that was as far as she went. Norma didn’t walk towards the creature, simply stood back and watched and waited to soak up the threads of panic and fear that were about to swirl in the atmosphere around them. “Phlizard,” Norma shouted from a few feet away. “Not lizard. I wouldn’t poke it with a stick if I were y--” It was too late. As she predicted, there was mucus spraying everywhere. She ducked. She assumed by the scream that the human did not manage to. And by the looks of it, she was correct in her assumption. “I would like to point out that I did warn you not to engage with the phlizard. They’re very obnoxious.”
She breathed in and felt trickles of chaos seeping into her. It wasn’t much, not enough. Truly, for her own survival, she should push for more. She wanted more. And yet, she didn’t want to risk herself being entangled with the philzard for much longer. Nor did she want to completely blow her cover. She was meant to be human and care for other mortals at least superficially, right? Norma ran over and reached down, hooking her arms under the womans and started to drag her back through the mud towards the water. “Time to leave it alone now. Let’s run if you are able, please. I would very much like to avoid your fate if at all possible.”
A phlizard? It was one of the few panic-stricken questions bouncing around in Erin’s head, layered in between the burning sensation on her skin. The woman was dragging her away from the liza--phlizard. If she wasn’t desperately running for the water and splashing it over her face and body, desperate to make the burning stop, she would have picked up on the woman’s all too calm nature. It helped, a little, but the mucus had burned small holes into her shirt and a rash was beginning to spread along her skin. She could feel it itching beneath the surface. “I--yeah, okay. You did. But why would you tell me to chase it? I was just trying to make sure it--did you know it was going to do that?!” Erin practically screamed, frantically scrubbing her arms in the water. She just wanted one thing. One day. Just a few hours of solitude. Why was that so hard? Why was she so stupid to think she could have that? “What is wrong with you?” What was wrong with this whole damn place?
“Well,” Norma started, brows furrowed as she stood by the water, watching the woman try to wash the mucus off of herself. “I did start by telling you to leave it alone. But you seemed very attached to that sandwich so I figured I would help you find it.” She realized her advice was rather contradictory in hindsight. Still, the chaos was worth it in the end. And humans were often hypocritical so she was certain she didn’t reveal too much. “Oh, did I know if it was going to spray mucus?” Norma asked, tilting her head. “I couldn’t say for certain, no. But they do tend to do that when they are cornered. Or when you try to take food from them. Really you shouldn’t have taunted it. I simply suggested that you follow it.” Her face fell as the woman accused her of being incorrect. That was rather rude, she was sure of it. But more importantly, it could mean her cover was in fact blown. Norma began fidgeting in place, flustered by her fallen facade. She had to fix this. “Wrong with me? Nothing is wrong with me, I am perfectly normal, thank you! You’re the one covered in mucus,” she said, huffing out a small laugh to try and mask her anxiety. “Here, I can help. What you’re doing now, that’s never going to be enough.” And with that, Norma pushed the woman into the water.
Erin didn’t really care right now whether or not she was being fair or right--she was covered in burning reptile mucus. “Would’ve fucking loved to know that before you let me chase it,” she grumbled, repeating herself. Made sure she heard it again. It was partially her fault for chasing the stupid thing but this woman knew, and still encouraged her to chase it. She was going to blame her for as long as she liked right about now. “How are you going to--” With a yell, Erin’s back hit the cool water and for a moment, she did forget about the burning sensation crawling up her skin. She popped up, taking a breath, eyes wide and absolutely enraged. “What is wrong with you?” She screamed again, arms splashing and cutting through the water as she pulled herself to her feet. “This is not--helping!!”” The water did feel good against her skin but all she could see was red, her vision narrowing and without thinking she yanked on Norma’s arm and pulled her down with her into the water.
“Well you didn’t ask. I would have told you if you’d asked,” Norma said matter of factly. Humans were so demanding. They wanted all the answers but only when it was convenient to them. No wonder they died so easily. It was a wonder the species survived as long as they had. Still, she couldn’t deny the relief she felt as the woman splashed into the water. She was so starved for chaos, for sustenance, that even small moments of surprise felt like a feast. Norma tilted her head to the side as she watched the mortal scramble. There was more than just surprise. Anger. Rage. And was that… a thirst vengeance? It was almost unmistakable. Even better. It was so tempting to pull it out of her, to feed off it. Norma reached her hand out towards her, she could take just a taste, have just one drop. She was so close to risking it, feeling true power and chaos at her own hand once more, when suddenly, the mortal was reaching out to her instead. Interesting, that’s not what she expec-- “Ahhhh!” Norma yelped as she was yoinked down into the water herself. It was cold. And not as refreshing as it always appeared to be in mortal media. “What is wrong with you?” she shouted back once her head was back above the water. “Now I am in need of assistance! Get me out of here!” she said, flailing about and splashing. She knew how to swim but not well. She was certainly out of practice. If she could avoid drowning again, that would be preferable. It was never enjoyable.
Erin felt no remorse watching the woman flail about, struggling against the water like a toddler learning to swim. Just a sliver of satisfaction she didn’t and wouldn’t address, not right this second. She was confident that this was partially this woman’s fault, anyway. “Try standing up,” she yelled back plainly, her feet slipping in the mud as she hauled herself through the water towards the dry shore. When she let her water-soaked body collapse into the grass, her eyes turned to the burns that still lit up her nerves like a branding iron. The noises from the woman in the water slowly turned into background noise, every sense lighting up in panic. This wasn’t good. Accompanying the burns was some sort of rash, but not any kind Erin had ever seen.
“I have scales.”
The statement came out calmer than she felt. At this point she couldn’t even register how ridiculous it sounded, but she was pulling at her skin, lifting her clothes to inspect the area where the animal’s spray had burned through the fabric. More scales. “Why do I have--” she jumped to her feet, eyes wide, watching the woman, making no attempt to help. Only yelled out “Why the fuck do I have scales?!”
Norma took a deep breath, puffing out her cheeks to hold in as much air as she could before trying to push herself to stand. There was some wobbling about, back and forth, until she found her balance just long enough to stumble through the water. It wasn’t incredibly deep, sure, but Norma was taking no chances. She could survive drowning, yes, but at what cost? Still, it wasn’t too hard to clamber to land. It was a shame, her blanket was all wet now. She tossed it aside and sighed. Norma was just about to figure out how to begin drying herself off when she felt the panic rising from the woman beside her. It wasn’t as chaotic as she’d hoped, but she did feel a little bit of satisfaction from it all the same. “Of course you have scales,” she said, practically sighing. “It sprayed you. That’s what happens when a philzard sprays you. You should really avoid that next time.”
Erin wasn’t paying attention to the woman splashing around behind her anymore. All she could see were scales. The only thing screaming in her head were fucking scales. “What do you mean that’s what happens?” Her voice was reaching a shrill pitch. The way the other woman was so nonchalant about the whole ordeal infuriated her further. And why did she keep saying phlizard? She ran back into the water until she was knee deep, scraping at the surface of her skin with her nails but hissed in pain when it proved both futile and painful. “What the fuck,” she murmured angrily under her breath, scrubbing with just her finger tips now. Still hopeless but it was better than standing there and doing nothing. “What do I do? I can’t get them off.” Her eyes jumped up, anger and fear dueling in the strain of her voice. “I can’t get them off!”
Norma breathed deep, drinking in the chaos radiating off of the woman beside her. It was so tempting to reach out and push her just an inch farther, to just send her tail spinning head first into that panic and to feed once more as she should, in her full fury glory. Alas, it was too risky. She’d have to suffice feeding off the scraps surrounding her. She breathed it in once more and wiped some of the water off her arms. “Oh, you can’t get them off,” Norma said simply, reaching up to wring out her hair. “Unless of course you’re a witch.” She paused and glanced back over at the mortal. “You aren’t a witch, are you?” She had a feeling that the witch hunts she incited back in the day wouldn’t be appreciated by the spellcasters in White Crest. And she’d learned long ago that family lineages held grudges. Best to be cautious. “You don’t happen to have a towel or something on you, do you?”
Erin’s head shot up at the casual use of the word witch. Though, she supposed it shouldn’t have been as alarming, considering the new skin coating her arms. A single dry, harsh laugh shook her shoulders. “A witch? Oh. No,” she answered flatly, finally giving up and pulling herself defeatedly from the water. “Not that I’d ever tell you, a complete stranger I wouldn’t trust with even a slice of cheese, even if I was. And yes. I do.” She swiped the picnic blanket from the grass and wrapped it around herself, making no attempt to offer it to the other woman. Her head shook and she muttered half to herself as she gathered her things. “Nope. I’m just another stupid human in this stupid town full of no good, sandwich-stealing, mucus-y asshole lizards.” Her jaw clenched as she patted her skin, which flushed a furious red in the sunlight. The scales were not, in fact, coming off. Nell better not be busy right about now, she thought, wrapping the blanket tighter around herself, ready to book it back down the trail at lightning speed. She didn’t want scales. She didn’t want to be a lizard--phlizard--whatever they hell they were. She just wanted a quiet afternoon. That was all. But even this, it seemed, was too much to ask for anymore. She tilted her head at the woman she partially blamed for her current predicament. “But at least I have a blanket.”
“Oh, right. I forgot to introduce myself. I’m Norma,” she said, holding her hand out to shake for a second before pulling it back. She really didn’t want to get scales today. Or ever, if avoidable. “You should find yourself a witch unless you enjoy those scale-like rashes. I will not judge you if that’s the case.” It was hard to keep the smile off her face as she felt the wave of anger and thirst for vengeance brewing just beneath the surface of this ‘stupid human,’ as she called herslef. It still wasn’t quite her cup of tea, but she appreciated it all the same. If only she had an erinyes to share the meal with. “I am glad you have a blanket. And I assume by your defiant stance you are not going to share it.” Norma sighed and reached down to gather up her food and soaked blanket and all the rest. “I did have a wonderful time running into you. I’m always glad to make new friends.”
maybe come September by Lake (beyond_belief) | G | 3217
Louis is a shark, sometimes.
For One of the Least of These by LadyLondonderry | G | 6464
“Sorry,” says Harry. “The fox has a curse?” He looks back toward the living room, suddenly feeling like at any moment some sinister force is going to come rushing through and attack them. He doesn’t like curses. Even the oven freaks him out a bit.
“Correction,” says Niall. “The fox is the curse. He’s human, I can tell.”
“Whoa,” says Liam. “You just let a cursed human loose in our house?”
“Well I wasn’t going to leave him out there, was I?” Niall asks, looking at Liam like he’s daft again. “It’s freezing out there!”
Or, the one where Harry, Liam, Niall and Zayn are witches and Louis is the fox with a curse.
It's the Little Things in Life that Mean the Most by RealityBetterThanFiction | T | 7615
Niall always knew he would be a late bloomer. Last to get his 12 year molars, last to hit his pubescent growth spurt, last to welcome his voice dropping, last to grow facial hair. So it was no wonder that he was the last of all his friends to shift for the first time.
----
A self indulgent shapeshifter AU where Niall learns some valuable lessons about life, friendship, and the importance of seasoning his poultry.
shooting for the moon by carissima | T | 9851
“It can’t be a curse,” Harry murmurs, half to himself. “Because everyone knows love is what breaks the curse. But you’re still a dog.”
or the one where harry’s adopted by a stray dog who seems remarkably human.
You're a Naughty Rabbit, Louis by sunsetmog | E | 10228
There's a line, a fiercely drawn line where he's a tiny fluffy rabbit on one side and a fully grown adult the other. There's no space in the middle where the line blurs and his boyfriends treat him like both.
Delight in Masques by kassio | T | 27596
Popstar Louis Tomlinson has been pulling one over on the mortals for years. In the five years since he put on a human illusion and tried out for the X Factor, none of them have realised that he’s one of the Fair Folk – a cat shapeshifter, to be precise – and he’d like to keep it that way.
When he returns to the X Factor as a guest judge, the last thing he expects is for some half-Siren fool to use magic on the judges. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what Harry Styles does. Now Louis has to track down some rogue changeling before he exposes them all. Even worse? Apparently, Harry doesn’t even know what he is.
(An urban fantasy adventure, set in the world of - but not crossing over with - the October Daye book series. No need to be familiar with those books; I just want to give credit where it's due on a lot of the worldbuilding.)
A Reptile Dysfunction by makesomelove | E | 39707
Or, Louzard.
"So what's wrong with me then?" Louis says.
"Well, I'm no expert..." Liam says. "But in my opinion, I’d have to guess, well. Yer a lizard, Louis!”
To help Mom feel better, I am reading to her. Have you read the new comic book about the dinosaur adventures of Torty (@wafflesworld)? It is the most fabulous story, and all in color, too! Mom and I love Torty’s adventures so much that when we reached the end, we went right back to the beginning and read it all over again!
You can get your own copy over at https://www.etsy.com/ca/listing/574541901/a-reptile-dysfunction-epic-tortoise! We guarantee you’ll love it!
EDIT: This is our 2000th Tumblr post! What a fitting way to celebrate a milestone: With one of our bestest tortie friends! ❤️🐢
It's been a rough couple of weeks in the reptile house! Several of these are a couple weeks old and some are more recent. My partner was admitted to the hospital on Sunday of Christmas week and they were dispatched a week ago. It's been a crazy few weeks here, but we're finding a sense of normalcy!
