Not So White Lies || Self-para
Joss ran a trembling hand through her hair, clutching it in frustration. She never meant to do it, yet she always went and did it anyway. Going out of her way to get their attention then giving in just for the sake of a night's distraction, fake comfort. None of them cared - how could she expect them to? Now, when it was too late to take back her words and effort, she lay on her bed with yet another night's worth of bitter regrets. Alcohol fueled and mostly unconscious she wasted away in a school who couldn't care less if she disappeared overnight. Could you call it dramatic even if it was reality? Because it was. Real that is. With a few charming words guys tried to win her over and, in her hopelessness, she let them think they had.
She held onto her blanket as if her life depended on it and rolled onto her side, eyes tightly shut. The space next to her was empty of course, but the odd feeling left by her former companion still lingered around her like a stench you couldn't get rid off. It was impregnated in her skin, her hair, her lips... She cringed at the thought of his face as she tried desperately to hold back tears. She was chocking and she suddenly felt glad to be alone for the night. That way, no one would see the mess she was just then. Her hair was tangled and spread around her, the thin line of eyeliner smudged on her lids, and now, as she pictured her disheveled self, a tear streaked face. Tears of frustration, anger, desperation - at this point she wasn't sure why she was crying at all.
We accept the love we think we deserve. The line from the book popped into her head out of nowhere and all she could think was how she felt when she discovered Damien had cheated. From that moment she'd been convinced she didn't deserve love at all. And so, every now and then, when her mind was busiest and she felt weak, Joss slowly started to build up her reputation. Maybe that was the reason a different boy made his way to her room every other week and people were quick to convert the event into a plural without any concern to whether there was truth in their words or not. Eventually, it didn't even matter what she thought, if she cared. It was much simpler to let them believe what they chose to as they would anyway.
No matter how much she tried to deny it, everything came back to Damien. He changed her. Her anger at him consumed her and made her see things in a distorted pessimistic way. If she didn't deserve love and couldn't trust anyone, there was really no point in trying to make things better for herself because they were simply never going to be. "Cheers to you Jossilyn," she whispered to herself in a broken voice. "You've done splendidly."
