#aaaaaaaaaanyways

[deerly--yours]

[incorrectskyrimquotes]

fucking idiot.

[discobrainrot]

Dora/Harry?

Oh, Anon. We going for the BIG guns today, huh????

Heads up - this one isn't gonna be funny. I don't have positive thoughts about these two. This might actually be more... meta than HC. I'm gonna put it under the cut because uhhhhh... this might be a doozy.

TW: Abortion, Self Harm/Suicidal Talk

1. Dora was the one with White Knight Syndrome.

I think she felt an obligation to fix him. Whether she knew about his mental illness before or after getting into a relationship, I think she saw him as a very particular kind of salvageable.

It's like when people from suburbia adopt "troubled" dogs from other countries. Poor, malnourished creatures with separation anxiety or missing limbs. She looked at him and fell in love with the idea of what he could be. There are two reasons I go for this conclusion: Apricot Chewing Gum Scented One and The Fifteenth Indotribe.

We're gonna start with the Fifteenth Indotribe. The solution to the thought is:

Because there was. The fifteenth indotribe was comprised of eight kids from Faubourgh and North Jamrock, running from wild dogs in the Valley, hiding cents under rocks and stealing clothes off clotheslines, and sometimes even the copper wiring of phone lines. You may have been *one of them*. This must be a childhood memory. The fifteenth indotribe was *your* indotribe, set to rule Insulinde. The rest of the kids are dead now. Car accidents and drug overdoses. Only you remain.

I am holding onto that as canon. Even the thought highlights it as "may have been one of them," but... uh. Actually, I don't have a followup. I'm just holding onto it as canon. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Next, the solution for Apricot Chewing Gum Scented One:

August 2nd. Early late summer. You’re getting off the streetcar in Le Jardin, east of the river. Her father and mother are middle class. The nylon of her little jacket rustles next to you, in the dark, like autumn leaves. Her heels click on the pavement. You're walking up to the gate in front of her parents' house. She takes out her chewing gum and you kiss her. A feeling like electricity flows through your whole body. Immediately you know that you've entered a completely different world...

This one mentions the date but not the year. Dora is at her parent's house. She could be visiting. They could have met well into adulthood… But what if they met as teens or younger? When Harry ran wild with kids with nowhere else to call home? He steps into the new world, meeting her at the gate between what's his and hers.

A young Dora would have seen a stray dog more than a young man. She could take him in. Wash him off. Give him a flea collar. She has the time and the means.

But a troubled mind doesn't come clean in the wash. Old habits die hard and seeing a loved one howling through the night is distressing.

Lots of people want to give rescues and strays a fighting chance. Lots of people aren't prepared for the reality of helping. The reality is that the dog won't be grateful. It can be hard.

But Harry isn't a dog. He's a man. A violent, suicidal, alcoholic man. I don't doubt that Dora's safety was on the line. I don't doubt that she tried to help.

However, there's a fine line between salvaging and cannibalizing, and I don't think she knew which side she was on.

2. Harry has been stalking Dora for years.

He knew her phone number. Her long-distance phone number. It's unclear whether or not he's called her recently (or ever, at least at this number), but she recognizes him, and it's... distressing. A few excerpts (sourced via fayde.co.uk) from that phone call:

YOU - "I want to die." PAYPHONE - "What?" It takes a second for her to realize what you said. YOU - "Your voice makes me want to turn into dust." PAYPHONE - "Oh no... is that you?" Her voice sounds like she's waking up now. Still plaintive, tired... YOU - "A creature is a creature. I wish I was the wind." PAYPHONE - "Oh no, not this... what time is it?"

----

YOU - "Harry? How do you know my name?" PAYPHONE - "Because it's me... Look, I don't understand what you're saying or why you're calling me. You seem drunk." YOU - "I'm not drunk." PAYPHONE - "Oh god..." There's silence, it's heavy as tin. The white noise howls.

Maybe it's my ADHD kicking in, but I find it hard to decipher if her tone is akin to distress or annoyance. Either is, honestly, well-earned at this point. Harry isn't a good person, and that's part of what makes this painful.

At this point, Harry is the Ship of Theseus. He's not made of his original planks and boards, but is he the same man? Is he the same man who stalked her? She has every right not to trust him. She owes him nothing.

What does a man with nothing owe her?

3. Dora had at least two abortions.

Let me make something abundantly clear before I move on to this point: the decision to have an abortion always belongs in the hands of the pregnant person. Reproductive rights are not up for debate right now. Fandom is not activism. That's not what this post is about.

If you want to debate any of that, that's cool. Do it somewhere else.

Moving on! So, the abortions. There's so much goddamn symbolism there, and it's just... god, it's fascinating. Especially how we learn about it. In the final dream, there's this exchange:

DOLORES DEI - "No, Harry. Not yet. There is one more thing you have to see..." She slides her hands down her chest, and onto her lower stomach. And smiles. DOLORES DEI - "I'm pregnant." YOU - "It's not mine." DOLORES DEI - "Of course not." She looks down at her belly, then up into your old eyes... DOLORES DEI - "I terminated yours. Don't you remember, you *poor* fuck? Poverty-stricken fuck."

----

DOLORES DEI - "We don't have anything to talk about anymore. Every combination of words has been played out. The atoms don't form us anymore: us, our love, our unborn daughters..."

If she had carried the pregnancies to term, she would have been tied to Harry by something money can't erase. Blood. She calls him a poverty-stricken fuck (although that's from Harry's POV and he's a terribly unreliable narrator). But if she had those kids, she'd be in the fucking gutters with him.

She might have viewed it as a mercy. No child of her's would grow up in poverty, or with a father like Harry. It was her choice. But to Harry? It's just punishment after punishment after punishment.

Did he want kids, and did she agree to try? She says "our unborn daughters" in the Final Dream - did he always want daughters? Did she tell him about the abortions immediately after they happened, or did she bring it up long after the fact?

Were they pushed together because she got pregnant? If they met as young people (late teens or early 20s) and she got pregnant accidentally, her parents might have decided they needed to be together. But abortion became the better option, so she took it. 

[kangyeosaang]

waiting to do this fave title tracks tag just in case seungwoo's fade is just as good as i expect it agshdbs

[chriskreider]

i cant wait for glass and manning to fight and then watch glass clap for himself again /eye roll

[ginkasei]

I'm all for gay sombra but legit the only reason people assume she's gay is cuz she has a punk-ish look and it's fucking homophobic

hokeedoke

[thomas-mvller]

has it happened to you that you’re talking to someone with such chill and that other person is being kind of rude so you’re like ‘whatever, I’m not putting effort in this’?

also, has it happened to you that someone is talking to you with such chill and you’re just not in the mood bc whatever and you realize you’re being rude so you’re like ‘maybe I should relax first bc this person doesn’t deserve that kind of responses’?

[chemfemme]

disclaimer: Long probably uninteresting personal post, not even very juicy either I just finished up a really bad 2-3ish weeks but I think I'm turning myself around? I didn't get a lot of classwork done today but I am cleaning up my apartment which I was totally unable to do all of last week. I was hoping to get it all done tonight but in reality I just cleaned my bedroom, I organized my desk though for probably the first time ever so that's good. I feel a lot better about myself when I live in a clean place. emotional stability +15. I'm going to bed now because it's two and I want to wake up early or at least at a decent time tomorrow (lol). goals::: I'm going to put away all the sweaters congregating on my sofa, empty the sprawling mess that is my recycling bin and see if I can sort out the compost situation I've got going on. vacuum everything because I have dust colonies growing in the corners. then I'm going in to work, then studying. I have an ochem quiz and a physics midterm coming up next week and if I start going through the material now, I should be okay. I missed a week of class in physics and haven't synthesized my notes in any sort of meaningful way, so I'll have to do that. And I haven't finished the after class activities or gone through ochem problems, so there's a lot of work there to be done...but it's really enough to get done in an afternoon/evening of concerted effort. the problem with ochem is that I can follow along with all the procedures and it makes sense just...there's so many different things that can happen and so many rules that dictate what happens that it's hard to remember them all and recognize when they need to be used. but because of how the class works, it I can score a D on the quiz, it'll get curved up to a B. and I think I can swing that without too much hassle. I got a lab report back and I scored pretty good on it. [I would've done better if I hadn't completely spaced on doing any citations whatsoever and had proofread to check my tense changing (lol oops I'm a shit writer), but I still scored high and the grader raved about my introductory set up bits.]. this is probably arrogant and lame to write out and publish but I was a really good student up until college, like the ib was objectively a lot of work but I never struggled conceptually with the material and managed to be at the top of the class, so having to try really hard just to do well or even just stay caught up here is pretty rough and humbling. and it's good to get reminders that although I feel stuck sometimes, that's normal, and I'm really doing fine and shouldn't be so hard on myself. would be great if I could go to office hours for help and not feel like a failure but I think we're getting there. .......also it's trainee selections time which is stressful but it reminds me of last year when pretty much my mission in life was to get into the reactor program. it's easy to forget how competitive and hard it was to get to where I am today. just having got my license and getting to work at the facility is an accomplishment in itself that I take for granted way more than I should. heart heart reactor always. anyways. I know I posted a lot of crap recently that was sounding pretty unhealthy, because it was, but I guess this is a rambling obligatory "I'm okay" post. goodnight everybody jk PS for anyone who's been following me for less than a year you probably think #nocturnal narratives is my personal or original post tag, it's not really, it was originally because I used to write a bajillion of these long and rambling anecdotes about my feelings late at night and so I started tagging them with this but as I got more busy and less exhibitionist-y with my feelings it morphed into my personal or diary or whatever tag. but this is the stuff it was originally for. throwback or something. idk. I gotta go to bed. okay goodnight now.