Dear Autistic Confessional,
Is masking a tool or a burden?
I've had it argued to me my whole childhood that masking was a skill, by my childhood doctor and parents. Deciphering tone and looking people in the eye and not making people uncomfortable with my brain was a tool for making friends. And not in the sense of "you can never be truly yourself ever", but more in the sense of "most people, realistically, are going to be uncomfortable and not want to be friends with you if you miss social cues. you'll have to learn and practice these cues with us, and it'll take longer, but it'll still happen. most people will, unfortunately, never really be comfortable with the whole you, and that's just part of autism, it's okay" and that being able to accomplish tasks with less and less support was desired.
But recently, my fellow autistics and a couple of mental health professional I spoke to told me that masking is a harmful coping mechanism that could severely damage my self esteem, mental health, and ability to process, and that seeking unmasking techniques to undo what I've been taught was the next best method of reversal. And I do value/trust them, and their opinions, but it does contradict with a lot of what I was taught.
And I have been very socially anxious, silent, and off in the corner throughout life (although ironically this is what most of the people in my life were trying to fix), though I'm unfortunately not 100% clear on details related to how my mental health was... because I kind of have a cruddy memory. So, all and all, I don't have a defined answer on how it affected me growing up, and I don't think I can accurately describe how it may affect me now due to the subconscious normality of it.
I think there should be a nice, even compromise. I mean, yeah, the methods in which I was taught to be "normal" is kinda uncouth, I probably wouldn't use it on my kids, but all in all, it did work and didn't majorly fuck me up (I think??). I think a very much watered down, sort of "these tools may help you make friends if you'd like" WITHOUT ANY PENALTIES about choosing NOT TO USE the masking tools is okay.
IDK man. I was diagnosed pretty early in life so I don't really know if I have biases or not. (Although, how early 2000s doctors correctly diagnosed an autistic AFAB early is beyond me. Lucky, I guess??). I just want to know if I should try unmasking or not, and if it's, like, inherently fucking me up, and also if I should avoid these practices with my hypothetical kids. I think I'm fine mentally, but I really don't want to accidentally traumatize any kids I have with poor methods.
I am SO SO sorry if this word vomit is uncomfortable or weird, I just really don't know exactly if masking is good or not. I'll probably keep doing it because it's what I know... but like... yeeeah.
The Transgender Autistic SCP Lover
Hi there Transgender Autistic SCP Lover (incredible moniker btw),
This is a great question, and a topic that's been hotly debated in the neurodivergent community for a long time.
Personally, I think masking can be both a tool and a burden. It can be useful in helping you communicate with neurotypical people, particularly in situations where you don't want to have to get into big explanations about why you're acting a certain way (eg, I just want to order my food and go so I will Follow the Script). At the same time, it can cause a lot of stress and anxiety and be a lot of effort, especially if you feel like you have to do it all the time and you can't allow your real self to be seen (eg, I can't let myself stim in public even though it will calm me down, so I'll just stand here getting increasingly tense until it explodes in a meltdown/shutdown).
Masking should not be forced on people. I think that's why methods like ABA are considered so harmful, because it's about forcing autistic people, usually from a young age, to act a certain way in order to be deemed 'acceptable to society', and often includes punishments if the person doesn't follow the rules. Why should it all be on autistic people to worry about not making neurotypical people uncomfortable? Have they considered they might be making us uncomfortable? We're the disabled ones!
(Side note, punishments aren't always the obvious 'if you do this, I'm taking your toy away' or getting detention. Sometimes the punishment is more subtle - ostracisation by teachers or peers, or being dismissed and told you're overreacting. That can be just as damaging, even if people don't consciously realise they're doing it.)
I think if masking is taught, it should be about choice, and it should be done in a way that doesn't suggest your neurodivergent communication style is wrong - just different. It should be explained (to people of all neurotypes) that different people have different communication styles and self-soothing methods that work for them, and how that should be respected. I also want to point out that not everyone is able to mask. For some people it's just too difficult or even painful. That needs to be respected too.
Some people talk about how being able to mask is a privilege, but I'm not sure I agree with that. I guess if it's a choice you as an autistic person can make because you find it helps you get through the day, sure. But if it's something you've been forced to do just to survive? Not sure I'd describe that as a privilege.
Unmasking can be a really freeing experience. I know that when I realised I was autistic and started unmasking, allowing myself to stim in more obvious ways made me feel calmer, reduced how easily I went into meltdown mode, and let me feel more like I could be myself. I used to feel a huge amount of anxiety over trying to fit in and be like everyone else, and although I still do sometimes, it's much less now, and I feel more able to pursue things that actually interest me. It's part of why I was able to start making comics for It's a Spectrum in the first place! One of my very first comics is about unmasking:
I do still mask in certain places, like at work or with people I don't know are 'safe'. I don't always want to explain why I'm fidgeting, and I don't want people to assume I'm being rude if I don't engage in small talk. I do what I can without doing it so much that I burn out (at least, I try), and I make sure I give myself time to unmask and stim afterwards in a place I feel safe.
If you'd like to unmask, I think it's at least worth a try. You don't have to do it all at once - you can start small, only doing it in places and around people you feel safe with. Some people might not like it, but it's impossible to please everyone anyway (a lesson I'm still trying to learn as a lifelong people pleaser), so you might as well try and do what works for you and makes you happy.
