it's a weird feeling to do things on your own again. Stupid little things like rewatching a show or watching another season but this time you don't have anyone next to you to share your thoughts with or discovering that you are taking out loud waiting for an answer that's not going to come. It's like relearning how to navigate waters you usually knew and what once was safe territory now is strange and unsettling.
Late-night-brain-inspired ramblings and personal insecurities under the cut.
I'm well aware that whether or not you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other should have little to no bearing on whether or not you're happy.
It's not healthy to base your happiness so much on another person.
I know, intellectually, that self-confidence shouldn't depend on how other people see you.
In fact, mine doesn't. I can't think of a single time I've gotten a negative comment about my appearance. And I know that makes me extremely fortunate.
Confidence and happiness shouldn't be based on other people.
I know that.
But when the only person to ask you out in the last ten years had never seen you before, and has still never met you in person...
When your friends are all in (or in-and-out) of relationships, or even getting married...
When you're twenty-one, almost twenty-two, and you're not only a virgin, but you've never been kissed, and you've never been on a date...
Well.
You start to think that maybe there's something wrong with you.
The way you look.
The way you talk.
The way you act.
Just. Something.
And after over twenty years of that sort of doubt taking root and growing and growing... it's damn hard to get past, and even harder to get rid of.
I don't think I'm ugly. Or that I'm fat. Overweight, certainly, but that's based on BMI, and I'm also aware that my height makes up for it a bit, appearance-wise.
But I don't think I'm terribly pretty, either.
I know perfectly well that I'm very bad at speaking in public, even if it's not strictly public-speaking. My brain and mouth have trouble cooperating, I mumble, I stutter, I think of things to say too late to say them, or sometimes I just flat-out don't think of things to say...
I'm terribly awkward and shy and I cling to the people I know and follow them around in new places like a lost puppy. I alternate between being over-aware of my facial expression and posture, and being completely unaware of the same. I'm strange, I laugh when I'm nervous or when I don't know what else to do or say. I don't know how to approach people or start conversations or make friends unless I'm pushed into it - I went the first year-and-a-half of college with no friends, and I still sit alone in the cafeteria nearly every time I eat.
I just...
I know that I'm only in my twenties. That I've got plenty of time, in the long run, to date people and make friends and whatnot.
But I wish I could have someone to talk to about all my nerdiness. To discuss SuperWhoLock and The Avengers and Harry Potter and American Gods with. To curl up and watch tv shows or movies with. To share books and learn about comics with. To hold and be held by, to share my first kiss and more with, to go out on dates with. Someone I can go out hiking rock climbing or swimming or traveling with.
I wish I were capable of that, and I'm terrified that I'm not, that I might never be. I'm obviously terrible at long-distance relationships - what if I'm no better with up-close ones? In-person ones?
I'm alone and lonely and aching and awkward and terrified and I have no idea how to fix any of it.
