Anxiety can sometimes make you feel like everything is hopeless. During an episode, even things that are inherently beautiful begin to seem hopeless. I think beautiful things that become anxiety-inducing are worse than triggers that are just blatantly ugly, because at least those triggers that are ugly are true. Beautiful things, when they blaze a trail of anxiety through you, leave a crater of despair carved into your chest. There, angst and learned helplessness convene, suffocating you.
Anxiety is sneakily turbulent; it is a silent internal avalanche that transpires in a matter of seconds. Those who experience anxiety on a regular basis expertly learn to allow these moments to swell and subside without appearing transparent. On some level, this is impressive, but we are only learned in this to the detriment of our own sanity over the long-term. Riding waves of anxiety becomes easy because it’s familiar, and as such, enables one to get too comfortable. One would eventually beg the question: if you learn to simply ride it out every time, aren’t you avoiding some underlying issues?
Well, after extensive self-prodding, I’ve come to realize that sometimes there isn’t even an issue for you to resolve, and you just have to learn to let things go. I know that’s easier said than done for those of us who experience anxiety. It’s one of those shitty cliché things people say when they see you panicking, but you know what? It’s fucking true. Learning my limits, and not crossing them, learning to LET GO, has been one of the hardest, but most rewarding, things I have learned this year. Letting go is a conscious and continuous decision one has to make. Letting go is not giving up or losing, it is overcoming; it is realizing that your time and energy is better spent towards more productive things.
I try my best to be self-aware. Over the years, I’ve gotten better at catching myself and talking myself out of potential downward spirals into the no man’s land of what ifs. Since A, I think it’s become doubly harder to faze me. A lot of things seem to fall under the category of “Meh, I’ve been through worse,” and it has been a surprisingly helpful mindset to have. It has enabled me to be more self-indulgent, more spontaneous, and more willing to take risks. Hope and happiness did not die with my love for A, but many of my fears did.
