“This isn’t you”
You say these words,
Throwing your hands in a grand gesture
As if saying them will put me back into the box you labeled me in your mind with,
“No,
This is the parts of me you tried to hide,
The ones you molded and broke and shattered,
Like my dorky smile, my long hair,
My sensitivity,
You want to talk about things that are not me?
That girl who cut her hair and curses like a sailor. The girl who didn’t give a fuck and towered over her insecurity,
The girl who stood like a mountain and cares what people think,
What wasn’t me was the bits and pieces of yourself you glued to my personality,
As if making me like you would save “us”
Maybe it was because you’re so narcissistic,
But honey,
There is no us.
Not anymore,
Maybe there never was: there was you and a girl who was vulnerable and needed you to make her strong,
Who loves you entirely and can’t see past the gaslight,
But honestly I don’t like that girl. She’s a bitch just like you.
She fell in love with your pain and you fell in love with making her some of her own.
Did you know because of you, she can’t say I love you without throwing up in the day?
Did you know kisses feel like poison
and all of your music sounds like internal bruising and she doesn’t dance to that anymore.
Did you know that you fell in love with a lie?
A girl who melted into your every command like a dog on a leash.
But darling I’m not your puppy anymore. I realized how much I hated myself because of how much I reminded myself of you,
Little habits, like the way I tie my shoes or sneeze, the way I dress,
I can’t look at myself in the mirror that often
But it’s okay, because I’m taking steps,
I will be okay again,
So don’t tell me “this isn’t you”
Because if you thought
That everything you made me
Everything you did to me
Was me,
You told me one truth in our entire relationship,
And it was that you never really loved me.
