#abuse dynamics

[goblin-sharks-and-pitbulls]

Are we allowed to say that Thjazi was an abusive pos yet or is the fandom not ready for that? Asking for a friend......

[what-we-wish-you-knew]

I wish people knew that abusive relationships dont always have to be romantic ones. Abusive dynamic victims are valid.

My abuser was my bestfriend. Youre not alone if youre being abused or manipulated, it does get better with time, and support!!!

.

[intersexcat-tboy]

I've lived through numerous bullies having breakdowns about how awful they are, that no one loves them, how depressed they are, that no one wants to be their friend

And somehow their pain is treated as more important than the harm they caused, forgiveness was expected before accountability. Any response other than sympathy was framed as cruelty—their victims expected to be responsible for managing their abuser's emotions

[believe-you-me-you-believe-me]

On Not Praising Monsters for Not Being Monstrous

You've noticed it, haven't you? Someone does something demonstrably terrible—a pattern of cruelty, corruption, lies that endanger people, betrayals that shake institutions—and then performs a few decent acts. A handful of actions that align with basic decency or happen to benefit some people. And suddenly, people flood social media: "See? He's not so bad!" "You were too harsh before!" "Why can't you just acknowledge when he does something right?"

Here's the thing: a viper that doesn't bite you today is still a viper.

If a surgeon has a 5% amputation rate on patients who need appendectomies, we don't praise him because some patients survived intact. We call him a butcher and revoke his license. If a financial advisor steals from every fifth client but sometimes beats the market with his own investments, we don't write articles titled "Ten Things He Got Right." We prosecute. If a spouse physically abuses their partner regularly but occasionally brings flowers and cooks dinner, we don't tell the battered partner, "Well, look at all the good days—you're the one being unfair by focusing on the bad."

The pattern is the person. A scattering of acceptable acts inserted into a career of documented harm doesn't rewrite the pattern; those acts exist within it. Worse, praising the exceptions—acting shocked and grateful when a demonstrably terrible person occasionally behaves acceptably—sends the message that the bar for that person has always been set impossibly low. You're not recognizing growth or change; you're reinforcing learned behavior: Do something monstrous regularly, and I'll forgive it if you occasionally remember to be human.

And let's be honest: many of those "good things" aren't even unambiguously good when you examine them closely. A policy that helps one group while actively harming another isn't a win; it's a choice about who matters. A promise kept to some while betraying others isn't integrity; it's selective loyalty. Praise for doing the bare minimum—or for doing something that any competent person in that position would have done anyway—isn't recognition of excellence. It's Stockholm syndrome dressed up as fairness.

This isn't derangement. This is pattern recognition.

Derangement is the opposite: ignoring overwhelming evidence of harm because you've decided that anyone who questions this person's character must be biased. Derangement is insisting that criticism of documented cruelty and corruption is somehow disproportionate just because you can list a few exceptions. Derangement is the compulsive need to defend every action, reframe every criticism as hysteria, and demand praise for the absence of constant awfulness.

If you find yourself constantly frustrated that people won't praise someone for occasionally not being terrible, ask yourself: Why do I need them to praise this person at all? Why does pointing to a few acceptable acts feel necessary to my worldview about them? Why am I grading this person on a curve I'd never accept from a doctor, a spouse, or a coworker?

The answer often isn't that others have a syndrome. It's that you've confused a list of exceptions with exoneration.

A viper that doesn't bite you sometimes is still dangerous. And we don't owe anyone applause for not being as terrible as they could have been.

[1-800-horrorfilms]

it's difficult to think of yourself as being capable of hurting someone whom you perceive to be in a better position than your own. but that's one of the many traps of abuse.

an easy one to fall into. especially if you have been abused yourself.

[1-800-horrorfilms]

some thoughts on that last rb

yesterday i was second hand listening to an interview with a very famous actor where the interviewer at some point went "you changed my life" and the actor said "well, that's good writing" and i felt a deep empathy for the actor in that moment. and it got me thinking of like, what it must be like to be in a similar place.

what it would be like if people came up to me and gave me adorable plushies of myself dressed up for work, or like incredible art of my likeness while at work. and i don't mean to say that that's weird or wrong, by any means, i think fanart is wonderful and a fundamental part of my happiness in life. and putting effort into creating something based on something you feel very intensely about is a good thing. it's beautiful. and the vast majority of it is not weird to show to the creators at all. but some things might be. or the reaction you expect, might be.

and i am genuinely weird about so many things, but i would not like the creators of those things to know about that. because if i were on the receiving end of it i wouldn't know what to do with it. in the literal sense. id be extremely flattered and happy to know i must be doing my job right if people are relating with my work, but then. would i have a room in my house filled with representations of myself?

relationships of any kind often become imbalanced when one of the people involved stops being treated as a person. someone gets their agency taken away, someone is robbed of their right to chose, their capability to protect or defend themselves, someone's wants and needs are disregarded. that imbalance is closely related to if not at the core of all abuse.

and for entertainment professionals that's pretty much inherent to their relationship with any person who knows of their work. here's a stranger that knows some of what you have worked on and formed an opinion of you based solely on that project of yours. they might know about your family and what you have said you liked as well. and they might not treat you as a person.

that must be exhausting. must feel like a never ending shift at your job and a losing battle against your industry. must be fucking terrifying.

and of course, i can't even fathom it, and i'll never truly experience it. but i've seen a similar thing with artists and writers in fandom. where people kinda stop treating these artists as people. the same way it happens with big blogs here sometimes.

i don't think i have a point with this, just. i do that shit too sometimes, and i just think it's good to remind myself that that's not who i want to be. i want to be someone who treats all people like people.

and that can be hard, but it's so rewarding. ive had awkward interactions with artists bc i was weird about their art to their faces and now i feel so bad about it. and ive had great interactions with artists that im very proud of and the common thread of those is i was treating them as people, that's how you build community in fandom and everywhere else. and i'd love for all this to be super obvious but i don't think it is, at least not to me, not all the time.

so this is just to say, i want to keep working on this.

[1-800-horrorfilms]

diary entry

it's always so conflicting when learning about violent abusers to hear people be perplexed at the fact that they're charismatic and well liked.

because on the one hand i am genuinely glad that this stranger has not had to deal with a relationship like that

but then in the other, when you've dealt with someone like this it's so frustrating because, yeah, that's kind of a major thing. They are charismatic! They're affable and they're fun and they're helpful and they're impulsive and extremely cruel.

And it always just kinda hurts, that it would be so hard to believe that this person who has made my life hell could be even the slightest bit at fault and that is so easy for everyone outside to believe that this person has been wronged by me instead. Easier to say im dramatic or i brought it on myself.

it's such a feeling of helplessness, such a desperation knowing there's nothing i could show you to turn it around.

And I don't even want to! I don't want you to think this person is a monster, because they're not. They're just people, desperate for love. Villanization helps me nothing at all, there's no cell, no amount of violence, no death that would fix it. That might just make it worse.

I just wish you would believe it is all.

[caparrucia]

You know what?

No, I'm not done talking about self-sent anon hate and fake harassment campaigns.

Because I genuinely think a lot of the people who practice that kind of bad behavior are seeking reassurance from their friends and loved ones. It's nice when someone is mean to you and your friends rush in to speak up for you and build you up. That's one of those "I truly know who's my friend" moments.

It happens a lot in fiction, but in real life a lot of the things that "attack" you are not things your friends can help stand up against: your boss, your parents, other assorted authority figures that abuse their power to make you feel small. There's not much to rally against in that case, and at best you can vent or at worst you keep it in.

My point is, you don't need to lie to get reassurances from your friends. If you're feeling lonely or just in need of a pick me up, tell your friends. It's pretty normal to seek reassurance sometimes. But when you fabricate this kind of thing, you're adding an unnecessary layer of harm to the whole thing. Because that's the thing: it harms your friends, to see you be badmouthed. It harms your friends to see upsetting, cruel messages about you. Sure, the messages are fake, so you might think no one's really getting hurt, but that misses the fundamental point of WHY your friends rush in to defend you. They come in force because they're upset! It's upsetting when a friend is getting harassing messages! They're your friend and you love them and someone is being needlessly cruel to them. That hurts!

There's nothing wrong with having emotional needs, even emotional needs that are outside what most people have. There's nothing wrong with needing reassurances or accommodations for specially rabid brain weasels. The brain weasels are the worst, but you're not a bad person for having them. And, like, your friends will accommodate if you explain and there's nothing wrong with asking for accommodations.

Your needs are not the problem, it's the fucking maladaptive, manipulative, callous and cruel way you're going about getting those needs met that is the problem. The way you prioritize your needs by fucking over the people who care about you the most. There's no REASON to do that, that's what makes it so vile.

You deserve to be loved, but the people who love you deserve to not be abused for loving you.