Apr 12, 2022
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different anon but um, nobody is gaslighting you by asking you to be mindful of the way you talk about personality disorders. also, i may be wrong but you seemed to imply in your response that all abusers have personality disorders... they dont, people with those disorders are often survivors too, and it's reasonable to ask for more consideration of that fact. the other anon was perfectly polite and within their rights to ask that, and they didn't deserve to be accused of a literal abuse tactic... people correcting you on things and asking for more consideration isnt an attack. we can condemn the abusers who do have npd/aspd while still listening to survivors who also have those disorders. it's not an easy issue in the trauma survivor community but we have to try......
I'll answer this ask by using my reply to the ask you're referring to. I'll put your comments in bold.
This Tumblr is for survivors of abuse. Abusers have many forms and methods of abuse. Abusers also have personality disorders. "you seemed to imply in your response that all abusers have personality disorders..."
To clarify, with in the context of this tumblr, yes, the abusers have personality disorders.
Those abusers who don't have personality disorders tend to be addicted to drugs or alcohol, and are abusive when under the influence. When they are sober, they aren't abusive. This does not negate their abusive behaviour, and they are abusive, and abusers.
Here you go: Pgs 32-33 LINK LINK Narcissistic Abuse Antisocial personality disorder
"we can condemn the abusers who do have npd/aspd while still listening to survivors who also have those disorders." It's so survivors know in no uncertain terms the abuse is not their fault but the abusers, and the abusers alone.
"they dont, people with those disorders are often survivors too, and it's reasonable to ask for more consideration of that fact." If you’re working on healing and recovery, you’re more than welcome here.
"um, nobody is gaslighting you by asking you to be mindful of the way you talk about personality disorders." If you’re here to try and undermine what trauma informed is for survivors, then kick rocks. That’s gaslighting. (Key words: If you're here to try)
To all of my followers, its important to recognize the signs of abuse, and abusive behaviours.
How Abusers Can Be Identified?
Oz
Abusers frequently have the following characteristics:
Often blow up in anger at small incidents. He or she is often easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really very angry.
Are excessively jealous: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser may claim that jealousy is a sign of his or her love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love.
Like to isolate victim: He or she may try to cut you off from social supports, accusing the people who act as your support network of "causing trouble."
Have a poor self-image; are insecure.
Blame others for their own problems.
Blame others for their own feelings and are very manipulative. An abusive person will often say "you make me mad", "you’re hurting me by not doing what I ask", or "I can’t help being angry".
Often are alcohol or drug abusers.
May have a family history of violence.
May be cruel to animals and/or children.
May have a fascination with weapons.
May think it is okay to solve conflicts with violence.
Often make threats of violence, breaking or striking objects.
Often use physical force during arguments.
Often use verbal threats such as, "I’ll slap your mouth off", "I’ll kill you", or "I’ll break your neck". Abusers may try to excuse this behaviour by saying, "everybody talks like that".
May hold rigid stereotypical views of the roles of men and women. The abuser may see women as inferior to men, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.
Are very controlling of others. Controlling behaviours often grow to the point where victims are not allowed to make personal decisions.
May act out instead of expressing themselves verbally.
May be quick to become involved in relationships. Many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together.
May have unrealistic expectations. The abuser may expect his or her partner to fulfill all his or her needs. The abusive person may say, “If you love me, I’m all you need- you’re all I need".
May use "playful" force during sex, and/or may want to act out sexual fantasies in which the victim is helpless.
May say things that are intentionally cruel and hurtful in order to degrade, humiliate, or run down the victim’s accomplishments.
Tend to be moody and unpredictable. They may be nice one minute and the next minute explosive. Explosiveness and mood swings are typical of men who beat their partners.
May have a history of battering: the abuser may admit to hitting others in the past, but will claim the victim “asked for” it. An abuser will beat any woman he is with; situational circumstances do not make a person abusive.
This is gonna sound stupid but I saw a post that had "common abuser traits" on it and one of them was "insecure and has poor self image". I'm like that so now I'm paranoid that I'm abusive towards my friends and boyfriend, and since I have anxiety I'm going to continue to be worried. Do you think I should be? Tag this Allie, thanks!
Hey Allie :)
I don't think you should be worried at all! I think your anxiety is just being a little difficult because you have one out of a billion traits of abusive nature! I'm also insecure and have poor self image, but I'm not abusive and it doesn't mean I'm abusive. Unless you have quite alot of those signs, I don't think you're abusive darling. This may have just triggered your anxiety and made you feel a little more worried than you need to be. Here is a page that you can read that has characteristics of an abuser just to check again. However, don't take it all to heart. You're just trying to look out for signs so that you can prevent it from happening sweetie <3 We are here to support you. If you feel you have more than one of the traits, you're gonna be okay because you can come to us for help <3 It's gonna be okay! And if you need extra support or help, you can always come back here or use our live chat. If you're still worried about this, perhaps ask your boyfriend or friends what they think. This will give you peace of mind and they will give you constructive criticism :) However, being insecure and having poor self image is something that alot of people have and you're a beautiful person <3 I promise, you're awesome!
lots of love, Georgia xx