"I wish we could switch bodies so you could see yourself the way I see you" "my biggest fear is you seeing me the way I see myself" nah fuck that.
I wish you saw me the way I see myself.
So you weren't too blinded by rose-colored glasses to see my flaws. So you could see my beauty and my ugly coexist. I wish you saw the parts of me people don't get to see, how my eyes get red when I cry and it makes my irises look like crystals. How my hair looks when I get out of the shower, dripping down my shoulders and curling in ringlets before it dries a frizzy blob of half-defined waves.
I wish you saw my flaws the way that I see them. I wish you saw my skin, that's so pale I sparkle in the sun like a twilight character, as something beautiful and magnificent and fantastically magical instead of something I had to fix. I wish you saw my smudged mascara as a form of abstract art the way that I do instead of something I have to re-do. I wish you saw my short-temper as a reflection of my passion for things other people would deem trivial.
I wish you saw me the way I do. I wish you noticed the things about me only I do. How my smile is odd and crinkles my eyes unevenly. How my face is asymmetrically symmetrical, but so my brain, as cluttered and scattered as it is. How my face is always pink and it gets flushed when I smile. How my jaw is sort of funky and my nose is sort of thin and how my eyes are kind of sunken. How my freckles are light and scattered across my face. I wish you saw the freckles that only I've seen, because you have to look at my face real close to notice, like the one on my lip and the ones in my eyebrows. I wish you caught me counting my steps in 4's (one two three four, one two three four, one two three four..). I wish you caught me counting everything in 4's the way that I do. I wish you saw how poetic my mind is. How my mind is a never-ending factory of stories and hopeless romantic brain rot and a scatter-board of everything you can think of. How the vein in my neck bulges when I get worked up about something. How im always touching my face or my hair or fidgeting with something in my hands. I wish you saw my scars and thought of me as not a victim but a survivor. I wish you saw me as not a victim but someone in recovery and doing so well and having grown so much. I wish you saw me the way that I see me.
Beautiful. Because I am beautiful. And I know it. And I'm tired of pretending like I don't. I'm tired of pretending to hate myself because society says it's better than being self-obsessed. But fuck that. I love myself. I love myself. I love myself I love myself. I weird and odd and I can be obnoxious but it's endearing and I love that I try so hard to make other people laugh that I end up looking like a fool. And I love my appearance and fuck society for ever convincing me I don't. And I love my personality and fuck society for calling me narcissistic for that. I think im smart and funny and passionate and cool and beautiful.
I think that I am beautiful. Because there is so much beauty in this world. And we're only here for so long and people come and go but we have to stay with ourselves, we can't leave, there's no use hating ourselves. I love myself and fuck you if you think that's narcissistic. I'm beautiful and flawed and oh so human and I have spent so much of my life obsessing over my appearance and hating myself deep into my core that I missed out on so many memories and opportunities and so much of life, and fuck it because there is so much beauty in this world and I want to see it and I'm tired of pretending that I don't see it in myself. I'm human. And I'm perfectly imperfect.
So yeah. Fuck it. I wish you saw me the way I saw myself. Because then you'd see how beautiful I am
“Want some company?” Nearly months later, one familiar voice almost echoed towards me out of nowhere as I walked down the street and headed home. Sunset tainted this skyline with shades of pink and orange as I turned on my heels.
“Hey! Where you been?” I smiled, opening both arms to actually hug Stephen. He thankfully took on this embrace, almost rocking me back and forth.
“Sleeping at the precinct. We’ve been swamped with all kinds of bullshit since our cases hiked up.” Still, his next words ended up deflating my mood right away.
“Are you kidding right now? You know better than that. Should’ve called me first. I got you, remember?” I gently nudged his clothed arm as soon as we parted, walking towards my apartment.
“Didn’t wanna bother you again.” Stephen shrugged behind me as I entered my apartment.
“This shit bothers me, Stephen. You can’t keep burning yourself out. These cases might be very important, but there’s no use in helping out if you’re not even taking care of yourself. It’s unfair to everyone involved.” I genuinely worried for him.
“It doesn’t matter how I feel.” Stephen palmed his chest while answering back, showing frustration. “Justice is our goal, okay?”
“I know that justice matters.” I lowered my voice.
“Then why the hell do you care so much about my wellbeing? I'm fine.” Stephen lied once more, watching me as another round of exhaustion circled over his perfect hazel eyes.
“Stephen, if you don’t fix the problems now, there’s only a matter of time before things get much worse.” Enough was enough. Before long, I’d taken off these heels and picked my cell phone back up before moving away from him.
“I’m sorry.” He struggled, not even allowing himself to hang that sweatshirt on the coat rack like many times before.
“Don’t apologize to me. Apologize to yourself if things don’t improve. Help yourself now before it’s too late. I stood my ground.
“That’s fair. Food wouldn't be so bad to start, actually.” Stephen looked towards me for a moment and pocketed his hands once more, standing in the living room without joining me in the kitchen.
“Good, but do you mind if I order pizza?” I held my phone up.
“Veggies and sausage split in halves for both of us?” Stephen recalled one “meal” that we ordered for delivery here.
“Yep. w..wait? You remembered my order?” I narrowed my eyes, amused and surprised all at the same time.
In that moment, he stepped closer and leveled his eyes with me while standing across from this living room sofa. Suddenly, my heart raced once more.
“I remember everything.” His voice somehow bridged between this growl and whisper as he took my hand to help me stand up from the couch. Even my phone fell onto these cushions.
“Why did you come back like this? Tell me the truth.” I asked. He released my hand, but his touch lingered in quite a subtle way by now.
“I missed this place, but I didn’t wanna scare you.” He said, talking close enough to me where our noses could finally brush together.
“You’re always welcome here. I told you that before.” I promised.
“I’m not perfect and I really don’t wanna rush into somethin’ you might not even want, but…” He hesitated, but the worry in his voice continued. “God…”
“What?” My brow furrowed against his own forehead.
Seconds later, he opened space between us just to place his finger onto my lips. Despite this nearly stoic expression on his face, I knew his heart clamored as much as mine had now.
“Look at me.” His voice lowered, toned with simmering dominance as we faced each other here in the living room.
“What?” Even as his daring finger still touched my slightly lips, I matched this energy, eyeing him with one searing gaze.
“I’ll always be here, girl, whatever that means to you.” His finger curved away from my lips as he stepped backwards, took off his sweatshirt, and finally hung it up on the coat rack.
“Hey,” It wasn’t long before I called back towards Stephen as he turned away from the coat rack now.
“Yeah?” He peeked over his shoulder, but folded his perfectly tattooed arms while facing me in return.
“Thank you. Your speech was hot, too.” I winked.
“Appreciate the compliment, but that wasn’t even my best shot.” He joked right back and walked towards me again.
“Is that right?” I titled my head, intrigued of course. “What should I do to see that performance play out?”
“Give me consent. ” His simple but extremely important words left me shocked and I couldn’t help smiling.
“Someday.” I bit my lip once more and arched one brow before picking up my cell phone to order our pizza.
_______
“Wait a minute, you use to hotbox in the car?” He laughed out loud, almost forgetting to eat slices of pizza
“It was the best place to go without getting in trouble. Nobody could smoke on campus, so we drove miles away for a reason…” I shrugged, eating at the kitchen table once again and telling Stephen another memory from college.
“You still light up?” Stephen took another sip of his drink on the table.
“Rarely nowadays. Got too much shit going on at work to be fucked up like that again.” I shook my head.
“That’s fair. What did you study, psychology? Seems to me like you’re pretty invested in people.” He joked once more, prompting me to roll my eyes across the table.
“No, actually. Went to school for Business and the company I work for now helps people find jobs.” I smiled, proud.
“You’re a saint.” Stephen gave me a smile that didn’t reach his eyes again.
“That’s a stretch, but thanks.” I nodded.
“No, for real. It’s a miracle that you’re willing to work with people on a regular basis.” Stephen continued.
“Some days are better than others, but it’s worth it.” I affirmed.
“Same goes for the police department. We might work our asses off to make it out alive, but like I said, justice makes it all worth every bit of the bullshit.” Stephen offered his own experience, nearly matching my words too.
“Good point.” I validated him, standing up from the table and reaching out to gather our plates. Even the pizza box still had a few slices for leftovers.
“Uh-uh. I might be exhausted right now, but let me do this.” Stephen almost held his hand over mine as we stood up at this table.
“Do what?” I laughed to myself, but felt genuinely confused by his words this time around.
“If nothing else, Dana, let me help you.” When my name fell from his lips as I nearly trembled from within, knowing that the comment silently meant so much more.
“Fine, Stephen. What should I do while you clean up the kitchen?” I agreed.
“Take a shower, okay? I’ll be out here when you’re done.” Stephen answered back, still focused on his idea to help me out
“Is that just another way to flirt, Holder? Most guys would’ve already asked to join me in the shower.” I messed with him, already walking away from him as Stephen cleaned up the table.
“You haven’t asked. It’s rude to visit places uninvited, D.” Stephen pouted his lips, but made quite a good point here. Barging in was never cool.
“I know.” I winked. “That being said, would you like to join me?”
Every now and then I look in the mirror and it's like "i actually look...attractive..." But then my hair moves a fraction of an inch and it's like "Snap back to reality OH! There goes gravity!"
I grew up with such a poor self image - I never felt good enough. It seemed to have been with me since birth. All the therapy in the world did not help. I knew I was okay but there was a deep seated belief I wasn't. Now I am old I really like myself. No need to worry. I am happy. I came across Buddhism, fell in love with it. It loved me back. Thich Nhat Hahn was easy to follow, simple. I fell in love with the smallest thing, the sky, the clouds, my breath, someone's smile. Thanks to this great teacher, and others, my life has changed. I am so very grateful as everything is easy, even when its hard.
Of my mother hating on her body haunt me from time to time. Pulling and prodding at her soft middle. Poking and stretching the back of her thighs. Astonished at how she looked in the mirror. She did not accept her body. And I am noticing that I am starting to not accept mine.
