#actuallyintegrated

[subsystems]

Fusion ask game! 13 (a media analogy that resonates with you?) 2/3 (any fusions that later split back apart, into same or different system members?) 10 (any post-fusion changes that surprised you?)

Thanks for the questions!

2 & 3. We've fallen apart back into the same parts a few times. Not any new parts, though.

10. Hmm, I think one of the most surprising things is how much slower time got. As a dissociative system, time fucking flies. We used to have all those amnesia gaps. Even after we stopped having amnesia, switching & dissociation just warped our perception of time.

Now it's no longer like that. All of us are always present as one, so we don't miss out on anything. It makes time feel so much slower. I still feel surprised by this even now.

It's awesome when fun things are happening but I still struggle with feeling extremely bored when nothing is happening. It's not like I can just "nope out" and switch. But I still prefer this over being split apart.

13. I honestly hate comparing integration/fusion to the fusion in Steven Universe (it's just not relatable to me), so this may seem a little hypocritical. But during the finale of Steven Universe, there's actually a perfect metaphor for DID fusion.

(Spoiler warning!!!) Throughout the finale, Steven was psychologically tormented by others into doubting whether he's his own person. This culminates in him being forcibly split in half by the antagonist.

Now we have two Stevens, but they are not separate people. One Steven literally starts dying because they were forcibly split apart. Everyone helps the two Stevens get to each other and you have this beautiful moment where they just start laughing and crying and holding each other as the fuse back into one.

Connie: "Are you back together? Are you you?" Steven: "Yeah...yeah! I'm me. I've always been me."

[subsystems]

8/31/22

This is about my experience with fusion and integration. I also use parts language. If that bothers you, don't read or follow.

Some of you guys requested that I talk about my journey with fusion. I'll share a little bit about that now, although I might have more to say later.

Ultimately, I want everyone to keep in mind that fusion doesn't just happen for no reason. For me, this has been the culmination of years and years of therapy, trauma processing, escaping abuse, and lots of parts work.

My system didn't really start working as a system until a couple years ago. I had to completely change everything about how I was treating myself and my parts. We worked so hard on trying to understand each other, empathize, and bridge the dissociative barriers. Understanding that we were all connected, no matter how different or distant we felt, was what built the foundation for us to understand each other as both a whole and the parts of that whole.

We had a handful of "spontaneous fusions" throughout our therapy, but looking back on these I realize they only seemed spontaneous. I wasn't in touch with all parts of myself yet, so I wasn't aware of how much progress each part had made or how integrated they had become.

After finding more stability in our life and lots of parts work, the majority of the system was able to be more or less co-conscious with each other. We could control switching, communication was very easy, we were cooperative on all decisions, and there was hardly any amnesia. Honestly, this was mind-blowing because when I was first diagnosed, I had hardly any system communication and SO many blackouts. I had no control over my life, let alone any memory of it.

The system as a whole also had to learn how to stop relying on dissociation. Dissociation was my go-to coping mechanism for any difficult situation. I had to learn how to handle these situations without switching or forgetting or detaching or splitting apart. Like with everything else, this A LOT of practice and therapy. Eventually, I started noticing that I was able to be in situations that were normally stressful for me without becoming dissociative. It still happened on occasion but it took a lot more to make me dissociate, and my dissociation was much more mild. I had become so resilient. And I stopped splitting new parts.

Eventually, the lines between the parts began to disappear. It was like being blurry but...good? There was some confusion but not in a dissociative way, more in a new experience way. Not sure how else to explain this. Some people call it blending.

The majority of my system gradually fused over the course of a few months. A lot of things happened during those months. It's very personal so I'm not going to elaborate, but it was also probably some of the best few months of my life. I was so much safer and happier and healthier.

During all of that, I realized that the parts weren't really parts anymore, but a clump of parts. And I was both a part inside that clump, the other parts inside that clump, and the whole clump. All at the same time. It was confusing but also just nice. I could feel everything from all perspectives.

Over the course of healing and just living my life, the clump still stayed. Sometimes it'd get weaker and some parts would fall out due to stress. But eventually we'd all go back to being coalesced together. The clump would get stronger and more solid. It'd feel more right, and make more sense. It'd feel more whole.

My memories all slotted together into this flowing timeline. And (besides some trauma memories) they weren't surrounded by this sense of "that's not me." I could remember them and I could accept them. A foreign sensation, but once I had it, I never ever wanted to let go.

It took so long to convince myself that I, as an existence, made sense. And I KNEW that I made sense. But finally, fucking finally, I felt it.

I understood myself.

There's something about that. Going your whole life, not understanding yourself. Not understanding your parts. Not understanding your life or your past or your present. But when I got in the metaphorical alter clump, I UNDERSTOOD.

All of the parts are still here, of course. Just not as alters. And even if they fall out of the clump, they don't quite feel the same as how we used to feel as alters if that makes sense. We're over here just lovin' the clump life.

I don't expect my experience with fusion to be universal, but hopefully hearing about it will help those who are interested in this recovery path.

- Sunflower

[subsystems]

8/30/22

This is about my experience with fusion and integration. If you have something against that, don't read. Don't follow me either.

So, a couple years ago we had 100+ parts. Now we're at 2. It's just me and the little. The best way I can describe it is that I feel like all the grown up parts coalesced into one blob, and the little is all of the child parts coalesced together.

Every alter who used to be very separate, I still feel them. They're not gone. They're just not separated as alters anymore. I'm each individual part but also all of the parts at once.

I can also still "become" parts, but it's not the same as switching or dissociation. It's difficult to explain. It's like I am both point A and point B and I can feel myself move between them to hone in on one, while also still maintaining ownership of both.

Anyways, it feels REALLY GOOD. I have hardly any amnesia anymore, aside from some with the little. My dissociation and PTSD are at an all time low. I feel like I actually have control over my life. There's this overarching sense of closeness and appreciation between me and the other parts of me. All the parts that used to be alters feel very loved and warm and happy. This has been very important for our health.

Sometimes, stress causes us to fall apart into more separate parts, but just not as separate as before. And it's always temporary. Fusion just feels so great, I think it's our preferred state of being. Not only has the reduced dissociation, PTSD, and amnesia been literally life-saving...but every part of me feels closer than ever.

- Sunflower

[subsystems]

Fully fused with parts?

Let’s talk about full integration / final fusion where the parts are never erased and where being a whole-yet-multifaceted person is the goal of the fusion.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone talk about this. Then again, I don’t think that there are many systems on Tumblr who are at this point in therapy with this particular goal.

Final fusion is usually thought of as the merging of all parts into one self. Before fusion, there are metaphorical walls of dissociation between you and other parts of your mind. Whichever part of the mind is active is perceived as “Me” while the other parts are perceived as “Not Me”. After fusion, those metaphorical walls disappear, allowing all parts of the mind to become “Me”.

In the past, the westernized approach to self often led to therapists pressuring fully fused systems to stop valuing (or even acknowledging) that they had parts. It makes sense to me why those older systems would often compare fusion to death. In the present day, the plurality of self is being valued more. Especially with therapeutic practices like internal family systems, it’s more normalized to acknowledge that everyone has multiple parts to themselves.

When I fused with all of my parts for the first time, we still felt each other. We were one person with full access to each other, but also somehow still parts. We were connected parts and a single person at the same exact time. I thought that maybe I did it wrong, or maybe I wasn’t fully fused yet, but my therapist (who is from a culture where having parts is more normalized) told me that this is just another way that final fusion can be experienced.

So, full integration / final fusion doesn’t mean that parts have to go away. Maybe that’s how some people want to still do it. If someone wants to recover like that, please let them. But this is a type of final fusion that I have never heard talked about before. 

I often felt alone with this experience. I felt like no one would believe me if I brought this to Tumblr, because people can get so aggressive about fusion. Something that can be so beautiful is often shoved aside and attacked. I think it’s important to talk about this, though. Hearing about this can probably really help some people.

I want to share some statements from former DID patients who have fully fused, from this professional study. These statements helped me feel less alone with my experience.

Rebecca:

“Today I feel I am fully aware and present both as the collective of parts and as any individual part. That is, even when a part of me is present, there is a collective awareness of the experience.”

Irene:

“It gradually dawned on me that I could get some relief if I paid enough attention to the voices and their pain. I understood they needed to be heard. . . . My integration is about being in control, being aware, being able to understand myself. Whenever I’m anxious and I can’t understand why, I turn inside and I ask: What’s going on? I usually get an answer that either helps me deal better with an external problem or guides me as to how to calm myself down. . . . There is a clear advantage to my situation: I have better access to my subconscious than most people do. I call this ability Creative Disintegration.”

Loraine:

“I think the best way to describe my integration process is as a progressive one. First, there were brief moments of integration; later on I was integrated during some of the time but wasn’t on other occasions. This developed into a period in which I was integrated most of the time and then, into full integration with only momentary periods of disintegration. . . . It is a process of forward and backward movement on the dissociation continuum, but the general trend is towards a decrease in dissociation. . . . once you’re integrated, you don’t feel fragmented anymore, but in emergency situations there is a proclivity to utilize the mechanism for brief periods of time to help with coping.”

Some notes from the study:

“It is noteworthy that integration was not always described in terms of a renunciation of dissociative capabilities. Rebecca, Loraine, and even more so, Irene described occasional post-integrational awareness of the old psychological entities that once formed the personality alters. . . .  Whereas Sara and Tina talked about their lives as ‘one,’ others were clearly continuing to utilize some of the advantages of the dissociative process. It is probable, though, that rather than representing ‘imperfect’ integrations this variance portrays the naturally occurring distribution of dissociative phenomena in the population. It is, perhaps, not only an unreasonable expectation but also an undesirable outcome to have a useful defense mechanism, naturally occurring in society, completely abolished in this particular population.”

I think maybe it’s important to recognize that the boundary between multiplicity and fusion isn’t as clear cut as social media likes to make it out to be.