#sunflower posts

[sunflower-babygirl]

when she moves your hair back and trails kisses along the side of your neck >>>>>

[subsystems]

time to take it day by day, and hold the ones I love

[subsystems]

Hey, I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who sent the encouraging replies & asks. ^^

[subsystems]

10.31.24

I want to be a bit more open about my personal experience with DID and recovery. I've always wanted to be more open about it, actually, but it's probably one of the hardest things to do for me. The shame and anxiety chokes me...even when it comes to recovery, which is arguably the easiest part to talk about (for me).

There's also a whole slew of issues that come with sharing personal experiences with DID. Online attitudes towards people with DID are...weird. I just really would rather not deal with it.

But then I remember what it was like when I was younger and struggling with this, and how there was just. Next to nothing. I was devoid of any hope for myself. I legitimately did not think I would ever reach a day where I would be where I am now: free of abuse, fully fused, happy, safe.

But I'm here now. I did it. And the journey from there is only just beginning.

Would anyone actually be interested in hearing my experiences? Not advice or facts or anything...but, like, stories about what DID and what recovery were like for me, personally.

- Sunflower

[subsystems]

10.28.24

Having a bad time.

I recently went through retraumatization. Payed my old home a visit like it would be perfectly fine but nope. Gigantic mistake. The memories overwhelmed me and I came back broken broken broken.

I'm back home with my husband now. Logically I recognize that I'm safe and I'm not ever going to make the mistake of putting myself through that again, but god my body does not know any form of chill anymore. It fucked my head right up.

Functioning is impossible right now. My husband had to make me something to eat today because I keep forgetting to eat. I don't mean to do it. I just blank out and time passes and I feel too tired to get up and more time passes and oops.

He's really nice. I love him.

I keep bouncing between feeling relatively okay and then feeling overwhelmed with the Bad Awful Terrible. I simultaneously miss my home and my abusers, but also no not like that. I miss what it all could've been. The childhood and the comfort and the love that I never got. I miss something that doesn't exist.

And then I feel so sad for the part of me that misses that.

I also keep slipping into these moments where I just don't know who I am anymore. Everything feels unfamiliar to me. I either feel like gross slop or like a child again. And then I try to cry but I can't cry because crying is bad but then I start crying anyways and then the "crying is bad" and "i need to cry" parts start fighting on the inside. It's disorienting.

I want to escape it sometimes. Like, to disappear and be replaced with someone else. With no problems. But I know that's not how it works and trying to push myself towards that will just make things worse. Bluhhhh.

Logically, I know that I just need to allow myself time to heal from this. To sit with my hurt parts and be gentle with myself.

And let myself cry.

But it's hard.

[subsystems]

heyo, I know it's been a while since you reached final fusion and stuffs. how's that been for you? do you still consider yourself a system or having DID?

Hiya! Thanks for the question. Final fusion has been amazing. I've been able to do so many things with my life that I never would've been able to accomplish before we all fused. I'm happier than I've ever been before.

I'm currently going through a rough patch in life and a bit more dissociative than usual, though. I think I experienced something close to a switch for the first time in...maybe a couple years? Not fun. It felt like a more dissociative version of a PTSD flashback, without any amnesia. It's not anything remotely close to what I was like before final fusion, though.

As for your second question, I'm not really sure? Yes and no? It's complicated. DID is still my diagnosis but I'm in remission. I don't really fit the diagnosis anymore, even when I do have these rarer moments of increased dissociation. But my life is still colored by me having had DID. The impacts are still felt, still being navigated in therapy and daily life. I still feel like it's other people with DID who understand me best. It was my whole life up until very recently, you know? So, I try not to fret too much about labels.

As for "system", I still identify as one but it's not a major part of who I am. It's just a term that best explains my lived experience, if that makes sense? All parts that made up my system are still here! I don't think it's possible for them to ever go away. I wouldn't be whole without them.

tldr ; We are all still together in that big happy bundle that is "me"!

[subsystems]

Godddd the DID tags are atrocious lately. So much syscourse and FDC/SC bullshit.

[syscurse]

Parts language isn't for everyone. That's fine.

But the framework behind parts language is something I think all systems and plural people can relate to.

Seeing your system as one whole comprised of parts tells you that you are not alone. You aren't broken...you belong. Everyone in your system is an equally important, necessary, and real part of it. Everyone. Even the alters you don't get along with, the ones that you're ashamed of, the ones that hurt you or others, etc.

Some people see "parts of a whole" and feel like that dehumanizes them or diminishes their personhood. And that's okay. You're allowed to feel that way. We all have terms that we dislike. You have every right to set boundaries about what terms you do/don't want to be used towards you.

BUT! That's not how it is for everyone. Being seen as a part of something is not universally negative or dehumanizing.

For me, and many others I know, parts language does the exact opposite. It makes us feel more real and deeply connected to our systems. It was so profoundly important for me to discover parts language. Parts language is what helped me finally start to understand and accept that my system was real.

I also used to have some parts who didn't feel like "separate people." They felt more like facets of myself, like being in a different mode. Parts language made them feel safe and understood. Seeing discourse over parts language made them feel ashamed, like they would never be accepted by the online community.

Some people think that calling system members "parts" is the opposite of calling them "people," but my system has never felt that way. In therapy, I often switch between these two ways of speaking about my experiences. They're not mutually exclusive for everyone.

Anyways, I just wanted to share a few thoughts on this. I hope that you all have a lovely day. Drink water, take your meds, use the words that make you happiest, and take care!