What if we bonded over past childhood trauma hahaha just kidding...... !?!!?? Unless????

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What if we bonded over past childhood trauma hahaha just kidding...... !?!!?? Unless????
i feel like I’m losing my mind again.
its funny how being totally lucid for half a year convinces you you’re normal “like everybody else”.
first comes the social anxiety and misanthropy with unfamiliar faces/people,
then comes dissociation, which for me is a time where I strangely, am way more attuned to memories of my life where I was dissociated prior- mostly really bad times…
and then it all comes to a head when I consider taking my meds again.
the meds without the antipsych to balance it usually just make me manic though, and since I lost my gp and its already November, AND my insurance coverage is to disappear at the end of this year, it’s probably more advisable not to do anything- in terms of dipping back into my old anti-depressants.
so, here I am. back to being depressed. back to remembering again very bad times with a sharpness of recall, back to feeling like a person who knows they’re losing it again.
I hate this time of year. I always predictably lose my mind at this time, and again, in early spring. late spring to summer usually I feel so normal its almost like I’ve made this up, but I always so spectacularly lose my mind at those previously mentioned, two general points in the year.
it makes me miss myself mostly.
I feel sad all the time; it feels like I’m watching myself drown.