#actualquote

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Parker: Yeah, so basically I’m really excited to play Alex as this fairly serious character. There’s a lot on his shoulders and I want to really focus on my ‘in-world’ emersion. 

*Alex fighting the mini BBEG’s of the campaign who wiped years of memories from a fellow party member (who’s their son) and orchestrated the attacks against his home and found-family*

Alex: I’m gonna stab you in the face shitlips!

Alex: Parents like you make me glad I’m an orphan!

Alex: Stabbed your kneecap shitlips!

Alex: I killed your husband shitlips!

Alex: Laucian, get up here and help me double team your mom!

Alex: *Gets shot repeatedly, knocked and brought back up with 13HP* You can’t even kill one man shitlips!

Alex: You can’t even touch me shitlips!

Alex: *Gets shot and knocked again* shhittliipssss...

[incorrectlegendlorequotes]

Shad: *Going through a crisis about the afterlife* What about you MolDovKaal? Who do you worship?

MolDovKaal: I worship Hephaestus, God of the Forge! He is a noble and mighty god!

Shad: What about you Azurite? You’re a fire genasi from the fire plane right?

Savannah (Azurite’s player) to Parker (DM): She’s never actually been to the Plane of Fire, does Azurite know anything about gods or anything?

Parker: Nah, you don’t know anything about that stuff.

Azurite: I know SO MUCH! First of all, Hephaestus is a front. Its all about the Fire Plane itself! He doesn’t actually do anything himself. He’s a total Fire Plane cuck. *Continues to go off*

Brayden (MoldovKaal’s player): I don’t want to fight you but MolDovKaal’s about to.

[incorrectlegendlorequotes]

Shirokuma: *Enters a colosseum battle with half his team against a team of casters*

Shirokuma: *Takes the full brunt of an Archmage including Mordenkainen’s Faithful Hound, an 8th level Lightning Bolt, a 7th level Lightning Bolt, and half a dozen other powerful attack spells*

Shirokuma: *Fails his save against Confusion and loses two full turns during combat* 

Shirokuma: *Gets hits with two high level Synaptic Statics and several other attack spells from the enemy bard*

Shirokuma: *Takes over 400 points of raw damage*

Shirokuma, the Goliath Totem of the Bear Barbarian with a Ring of Evasion, NOT GOIN DOWN: 

[incorrectlegendlorequotes]

Brayden: *Walking in a pond to try and grab a turtle for his herpetology class*

*Turtle jumps off branch but Brayden grabs him*

Brayden: Ha! I caught you! You thought you were thee alpha of this pond, but it was I, DIO!

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Parker DMing: Okay, the sorcerer standing on top of the archway is off-balance, but is still holding the portal open. It won’t close until he’s dealt with. Alright Shad, it’s your turn. 

Adam (Playing Shad): Could I use mage hand to pull him off the arch? You said he’s off balance and mage hand does have 10 pounds of pulling force.

Parker: Um... I guess you can try, he is off balance and 10 pounds of force is a decent amount. 

Adam: Cool! I want to grab his balls!

Parker: Wha... what? 

Adam: MAGE HAND TO THE DICK!

Parker: I... go ahead and roll I guess... If you roll high enough we’ll see what hap-

Adam: NAT 20!

Everyone Else: *Wild cheering*

Parker: ....

Parker: Yeah, that’ll do it...

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Courtney: I'll go and find us a shopping cart. If I can leave you two alone without you killing each other.

Parker: Of course, we're not children!

Savannah: Yeah, go.

*Courtney leaves*

Savannah: Eat shit and die.

Parker: Yes, fuck you.

[incorrectlegendlorequotes]

*Playing Super Smash Bros*

*Jaren, as Diddy Kong, has the peanut gun fully charged on the far left side of the stage. Parker, as Sonic, is below the far right side of the stage*

Parker to Parker: Okay, the gun is slow enough I should be able to jump up and then jump over the shot.

*Jumps up*

Jaren: *Fires the gun, which goes incredibly fast and hits Parker*

Parker: DAMN THAT WAS A FAST NUT!!!

Jaren: *Pauses game and dies laughing*

[incorrectlegendlorequotes]

*Playing Betrayal at House on the Hill*

Kayden: *Reading Traitor’s Tome* Ugh! This doesn’t make sense! It’s contradicting itself!

Parker: Okay! I’m already dead, just let me look at it. 

*Reads the Traitor’s tome entry*

Parker: Oooohhh... Okay, yeah that is confusing, but what it’s saying is- *Sees Zach and Jaren listening closely* Um... Okay. *Points at confusing section* So what it’s saying is that if you fuck the pickle, you can no longer use that pickle.

Zach and Jaren: *Intense confusion* Wha... What???

Kayden: Oh! Okay! Got it!

Zach and Jaren: *Confusion intensifies* WHAT????