Students need to have their feelings (or distress) acknowledged and understood before they can learn
My notes from How to Talk So Kids Can Learn by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish:
How to Deal with Feelings That Interfere with Learning:
Students need to have their feelings (or distress) acknowledged and understood before they can learn.
It’s hard for children to change their behavior (or learn) when their feelings are completely ignored. It’s easier for children to change their behavior when their feelings have been acknowledged and accepted.
Instead of denying or dismissing feelings, put the feelings into words (and help the student find their own words too: “It sounds like you found the assignment challenging,” “Yeah, I had a hard time coming up with a thesis”). When feelings are denied, a student can easily become discouraged. When negative feelings are identified and accepted, a student feels encouraged to continue to strive.
Otherwise, the signal we’re sending is, “You’re wrong about how you feel. Listen to me instead.”
When a student is bombarded with even well-meaning criticism and advice, he finds it difficult to think about his problem or take responsibility for it. Instead of criticism and advice, try acknowledging feelings with a word or sound (oh, mmm, uh, I see).
When a person is drowning, it’s not the time to give swimming lessons. Instead of criticism, questions, and advice (when the timing is wrong), accept and reflect feelings and wishes. There may be an opening to point out what needs to be done later, after the student feels that their feelings have been acknowledged and understood.
"As teachers, our goal is greater than just passing on facts and information. If we want our students to be caring human beings, then we need to respond to them in caring ways. If we value our children's dignity, then we need to model the methods that affirm their dignity. If we want to send out into the world young people who respect themselves and respect others, then we need to begin by respecting them. And we can't do that unless we show respect for what it is that they feel."
Descriptive Praise:
Criticism that wounds (even if it gets called ‘constructive criticism’!): Excessive criticism is discouraging - it leads people to feel unmotivated, crushed, and incapable.
Praise that demeans: Excessive or thoughtless praise (“You’re amazing!”) can make a child feel unconvinced, unworthy, and uncomfortable (especially if they feel they cannot live up to it: “You’re always so smart and well-behaved!”).
Instead, let’s give descriptive praise. The kind of praise that a child can ‘take in’ and truly builds self-esteem comes in two parts: First, the adult describes what the child has done in one event (“I see that this morning you finished your homework, packed your books, and even made your lunch”). Second, the child, after hearing his accomplishment described, inwardly praises himself (“I know how to organize and plan ahead”).
With the right kind of praise, a child learns to trust their own judgment and evaluations, rather than being trained to constantly look to others for approval.
As for criticism, instead of focusing on what’s wrong, start by acknowledging what a child has accomplished. Then point out what still needs to be done. Or, when a student can handle more agency, sometimes you just need to describe the problem and give information about it (“I see that the floor is wet. When the floor is wet, people can slip and fall”), and they can come up with their own solution (“I’ll get a mop”).
“How parents and teachers talk tells a child how they feel about him. Their statements affect his self-esteem and self-worth. To a large extent, their language determines his destiny.” -Haim Ginott
