#adfuturum

[maudlinmemorabilia]

suddenly

isn’t it strange how most feelings come either all at once or not at all. but you are not like that you are like a slow winter sunrise on the horizon or the warm glow of sunlight slipping through my window you are like the ocean tide lapping at the shore pulling me into you one grain of sand at a time you are like sleepy sunday mornings with no alarm set or the way streetlights flicker on one by one away up a hill you were both sudden and slow you are a tempo I never knew existed

[maudlinmemorabilia]

(adfuturum)

please do not speak to me. do not speak as though these things are so blatantly obvious I must pretend to play along even though I’ve known them my whole life and I just pretend not to hear them do not make me have to laugh with you at myself because I do it enough on my own I do not need your help to feel so about myself

do not speak to me.

do not speak as if I want your salten sunken words I do not need you to tell me I am unlovable unwantable unthinkable I do not need your gently jolting reminders that I am worthless and useless and thankless I know these things

I know them all backwards and forwards they are written on my skin and lamented into my oversensitive overzealous overthinking overimaginative underachieving brain they pulse through my veins and bash into my skull worthless worthless worthless I do not need your pitiful reminders or joking jests telling me I am deprived and depraved I am hopeless and hurtful. horrific ridiculous, only suitable for ridicule

believe me, I know the premise of my potential desirability is but a mournful thought but I do not need you to remind me

I know the sheer possibility of possibly promising promises are as tainted and tauntable as my loathsome looks but I still do not need you to remind me

I know. believe me, I know.

but I do not need your reminders

[maudlinmemorabilia]

like jumbled letters thrown into an ocean floating for years before washed up soaken picked out by eager hands and re-ordered to their will i’m jumbled letters, just waiting to be filled

it seems like I have all the right directions but can somehow never find the right map i’m backwards lines and crosses in the wrong column constantly trying to fit their sections

i think i was taught to take up less space than i do told not to clamber rocks and climb trees not because it’s wrong but for fear of scraped knees

like daisy chains living on barbed wire i’m out of place but still growing, learning til you pick and pull and tug me free planted in your garden, you expect to grow a tree

and i’m holding my breath underwater in the hopes something other than my thoughts may drown me into truth but i’m just another lamb let to the slaughter just another someone labelled ‘daughter’

you have a 100% survival rate in everything you’ve ever faced a body of battle scars coated in war paint scratches from self-inflicted, self-addicted wounds you carve in to try and feel real

but it’s all just disconnecting, misdirecting pressed into a mould they expect you to fit then shaven and clothed, forced to retry it can’t you see my dots connecting?

they don’t understand they can’t understand why would they when they have no need but i’m twisted and turned even though i’ve learned it’s only them who needs to see

i’m sprouting from the ground again trying to grow to what they see but truth is i’m daisy chains on barbed wire and that’s all i’ll ever be

[maudlinmemorabilia]

(adfuturum)

Forgive me, for I am in mourning  I am mourning everything we could have been  I’m mourning all the futures we planned together:

I’m mourning the treehouse with fairylights and a rope bridge in the woods I’m mourning the apartment in Boston with exposed brick walls I’m mourning a cabin in Norway with a crackling fire and the gentle fall of snow outside I’m mourning the cat we will never get to pick out and argue over names 

I am mourning the 2am messages and the midnight phone calls I’m mourning the way the world lights up along with my phonescreen when you message me I’m mourning the way your hair looks after the shower  I’m mourning the way you say my name and how your lips look when you smile at me 

I’m mourning the way it feels to hold your hand and have you rest your head on my shoulder  I’m mourning the sound of your accent against the bluntness of my world  I’m mourning the way you always say my eyes look pretty in the night light I’m mourning the way you call me baby and the smile that I can’t escape when you call me sweetheart 

I’m mourning the chance that we never got  I’m mourning the fact I see you in every face despite even in my dreams you’re still miles away  I’m mourning the way your hair feels in my fingers and how you close your eyes  And I’m mourning the fact I haven’t felt this way in years and for the first time I had hope

I’m mourning the happiness I have lost I’m mourning the grief I’ve given you  I’m mourning every ounce of pain I have brought on you I’m mourning the fact I cannot take it all on myself

I’m mourning that I cannot fight the monsters inside your head I’m mourning that I cannot stitch myself onto your heart  I’m mourning all the chances I could have taken but was too scared I’m mourning “I’m so scared of losing you”

I’m mourning the way you sip from a straw  And all the wrong decisions I have made  I’m mourning the thousands of words I have written for you I’m mourning the days I’ve spent crying over you

I’m mourning the hours I couldn’t sleep over you I’m mourning the songs I’ve sung for you  And I’m mourning your eyes.  I’m morning how you roll your eyes after my jokes but love them nonetheless

I’m mourning “I want you to burden me” I’m mourning all of the moments I just wanted to tell you you’re the most beautiful thing in the entire universe but I was too scared to I’m mourning the way you look at me I’m mourning all the letters I have written to you but cannot bring myself to send 

I’m mourning the way you smile after we kiss  I’m mourning that you took me the way I am I’m mourning “I feel safe with you”  I’m mourning “how would you like to wake up to this every day next year?”

I’m mourning how despite all your darkness you were always like sunshine to me 

So forgive me, if I cannot be friends  And forgive me, that you think I don’t want to be Forgive me, but I am in mourning for all the futures I dreamt up and all the words I over-thought Forgive me, for I am mourning the most beautiful dream

[tinierpurplefishes]

adfuturum replied to your post:                   Buffy and all were really lucky that the Knights...                

   I always like to just think ‘ah, it’s Sunnydale after all’ whenever I’m thinking that surely stuff would’ve been noticed 😂   

That probably is it. Even by Sunnydale standards, tho, these guys seem kind of blatant.

[tinierpurplefishes]

adfuturum replied to your post: adfuturum: recently I’ve been seeing gifs from...

Yes it is! I’ve found it and I’m watching the first episode now.

Excellent! Hope you like it!

[tinierpurplefishes]

adfuturum replied to your post: I’ve always thought Dichen Lachman seemed cool,...

Haha I wanted to watch the 100 when I saw she was in it but tbh I don’t want to now! I fangirled so hard when she was in Agents of SHIELD

She’s been in a lot of things that seemed potentially cool, but ended up having something that pushed me away. The loss of self stuff in Dollhouse, AoS pushed me away by a half-dozen episodes in or so, The 100 just seemed too grimdark for my taste from the start, that sort of thing.

[playingwiththesquirrels]

Tag 10 people you want to get to know better

i was tagged by downuntothealtar and  wildflagsure. thanks 

name:  call me radar, call me wrong, call me insane, call me ms vain, call me what you like, as long as you call me time and again time and date: 13:05, 22.6.2015 average hours of sleep at night: 9 last thing I googled: tri state area birthday: it’s in october gender: female sexual orientation: yes height: 1,73 (5′7′’ or 5′8′’) favourite colour: orange one place that makes me happy: the mountains, film theatres how many blankets i sleep under: 1 or 2 duvets favourite movie: that’s... ............................................. what I am wearing right now: striped black and white shirt and blue shorts last book I read: im still reading inherent vice most used phrases: fuck, oh dear, oh mickey you so fine you so fine you blow my mind hey mickey what I last said to a family member: translated: what are you doing? are you gonna clean the balcony? favourite beverage: water/beer (coffee but i cant drink it for health reasons) favourite food: pizza, pasta, peas, cod fish, lettuce, tahini, mushrooms  last movie i watched: leolo dream vacation: somewhere where it feels like it’s april 25th, not too cold, not too hot. somewhere where all i need is a light jacket. lol. i’d like to visit scotland, spain, canada, sweden, iceland, new zealand, peru, mexico, cuba, alaska.. this question killed me, i don’t idealize just one place..maybe spain dream wedding: just 4-5 people, somewhere in the lake district cuz im a poetic mofo dream pets: orange cat dream job: roons’s interpreter/translator lol

i tag: closertotheheartofcreation , adfuturum, sigurism (who made my day today :* ), itsbexter (what are you wearing? ), thornsyblog , dolanspet, finchois (i realised i never tagged u in these things before bc im afraid of rejection bc u a sassy mofo), d-white211 (hey bro), jeanewidow (do this, i was gonna ask u some of these in private the other day), roadxvirus, rachelemmaharper (we’ve been mutuals for 11 years, i need to know stuff), twoheadedfilmfanatic , superficial-wounds (u can do this in private lol :D)