[maudlinmemorabilia]

leave the door unlocked

when she’s away it’s like the edges of reality start to show, like the side of her bed neatly made up no empty mug by the bathroom mirror from her morning coffee

i lock the door behind me when i get home.

i stay on my side of the sofa. it’s just for a night, a day or two but existing in this space without her feels like walking down a street in your hometown when all the buildings have changed

i make her bedtime tea anyway.

soon she’ll be home her singing in the bathroom the smell of mac & cheese down the hallway her shoes by the door i’ll leave the door open when i get home tomorrow

i hope to god i never have to leave the door locked.

[maudlinmemorabilia]

a poem for her

how sweet it is to love someone the way the i love you like wildflowers growing from a hedgerow of a city kid seeing the ocean for the first time how sweet it is to get to love you to make you tea on sunday mornings and hear you call me baby how sweet it is to be loved by you and to get to call you mine

[maudlinmemorabilia]

she

she feels like vines climbing up a fence to spread big green leaves and tiny yellow flowers she feels like a new pair of socks and fresh sheets from the dryer she feels like saturday mornings with no alarm set

she feels like shells on a beach and smooth seaglass that the tide has brought in she feels like gentle kisses on soft scarred skin and never letting go she feels like sweet black coffee and cinnamon buns on a sunny morning

she feels like the first star in the sky at night and the first glimpse of sun on the horizon she feels like sunrays creeping through my window and falling on cold morning skin she feels like tea stains in cups and empty toothpaste tubes

she feels like dust sparkling in a beam of sunlight and rainbows refracting on my carpet she feels like sunflowers growing from the soil up to the sky and turning to face the sun she feels like naked legs tangled up in bedsheets

she feels like fresh washed hair and the smell of fresh cut grass she feels like the shift of sunlight breaking between bright green leaves she feels like uncontrollable laughter until your stomach hurts

she feels like the rest of my life all in one breath she makes loving her feel as natural as breathing she makes me want to love myself, too

she makes the sunshine okay she makes me feel like I am filled with light and it is pouring out of the cracks in my skin she makes me feel like everything will be alright

[maudlinmemorabilia]

j.r.

i can think of nothing better  than coming home to you every day for the rest of my life

[maudlinmemorabilia]

pillow talk

i’ve never been someone who could sleep next to other people. i like my own space and slow breathing and loud dreaming i like the dent in my pillows

so when you fall asleep, and I can feel your little twitches of slumber and feel your body falling against mine i slowly ease my arms out from around you, millimetre by millimetre my arms are tense from my body trying not the breathe so loudly and my hands are starting to go numb from trying to stay still

so I quietly pull away putting my hand on your ribs, your chest, your arm, your back leaving a trail of my fingerprints on your skin where you can still feel me a silent nightly ritual so as not to wake you because i cannot get to sleep when i’m holding someone but I cannot bear to not hold you.

i’ve never been someone who could sleep next to other people. and even though I cannot get to sleep when i’m holding you i would take all the numb arms and aching necks because it is worth it just to feel you fall asleep inside my arms I would take all the pausing movements and bated breaths

than to ever sleep without you again

[maudlinmemorabilia]

suddenly

isn’t it strange how most feelings come either all at once or not at all. but you are not like that you are like a slow winter sunrise on the horizon or the warm glow of sunlight slipping through my window you are like the ocean tide lapping at the shore pulling me into you one grain of sand at a time you are like sleepy sunday mornings with no alarm set or the way streetlights flicker on one by one away up a hill you were both sudden and slow you are a tempo I never knew existed

[maudlinmemorabilia]

reflection

you see, the trouble is when i looked in your eyes i saw the next seventy years of my life

but when you looked at me all you saw was my eyes

[maudlinmemorabilia]

Oh my gosh I love your voice. Can you read more poems? It’s insane how perfect your voice is.

Omg wow thank you! That’s so kind (esp cause I hate my voice 😂) I’ll definitely be doing more spoken word in the future!

[maudlinmemorabilia]

(adfuturum)

Forgive me, for I am in mourning  I am mourning everything we could have been  I’m mourning all the futures we planned together:

I’m mourning the treehouse with fairylights and a rope bridge in the woods I’m mourning the apartment in Boston with exposed brick walls I’m mourning a cabin in Norway with a crackling fire and the gentle fall of snow outside I’m mourning the cat we will never get to pick out and argue over names 

I am mourning the 2am messages and the midnight phone calls I’m mourning the way the world lights up along with my phonescreen when you message me I’m mourning the way your hair looks after the shower  I’m mourning the way you say my name and how your lips look when you smile at me 

I’m mourning the way it feels to hold your hand and have you rest your head on my shoulder  I’m mourning the sound of your accent against the bluntness of my world  I’m mourning the way you always say my eyes look pretty in the night light I’m mourning the way you call me baby and the smile that I can’t escape when you call me sweetheart 

I’m mourning the chance that we never got  I’m mourning the fact I see you in every face despite even in my dreams you’re still miles away  I’m mourning the way your hair feels in my fingers and how you close your eyes  And I’m mourning the fact I haven’t felt this way in years and for the first time I had hope

I’m mourning the happiness I have lost I’m mourning the grief I’ve given you  I’m mourning every ounce of pain I have brought on you I’m mourning the fact I cannot take it all on myself

I’m mourning that I cannot fight the monsters inside your head I’m mourning that I cannot stitch myself onto your heart  I’m mourning all the chances I could have taken but was too scared I’m mourning “I’m so scared of losing you”

I’m mourning the way you sip from a straw  And all the wrong decisions I have made  I’m mourning the thousands of words I have written for you I’m mourning the days I’ve spent crying over you

I’m mourning the hours I couldn’t sleep over you I’m mourning the songs I’ve sung for you  And I’m mourning your eyes.  I’m morning how you roll your eyes after my jokes but love them nonetheless

I’m mourning “I want you to burden me” I’m mourning all of the moments I just wanted to tell you you’re the most beautiful thing in the entire universe but I was too scared to I’m mourning the way you look at me I’m mourning all the letters I have written to you but cannot bring myself to send 

I’m mourning the way you smile after we kiss  I’m mourning that you took me the way I am I’m mourning “I feel safe with you”  I’m mourning “how would you like to wake up to this every day next year?”

I’m mourning how despite all your darkness you were always like sunshine to me 

So forgive me, if I cannot be friends  And forgive me, that you think I don’t want to be Forgive me, but I am in mourning for all the futures I dreamt up and all the words I over-thought Forgive me, for I am mourning the most beautiful dream

[maudlinmemorabilia]

butterflies

you make me feel sick fear and butterflies playing with each other in a twisted game of hide and seek

[maudlinmemorabilia]

cracks

i think i am like autumn leaves  in a puddle by the roadside.  the orange streetlights flickering above me  like a manmade moon

tiny fractures spread all up my body made by the changing of the seasons  my skin is paper thin and my roots are long gone  i am tired.

people step on me sometimes they hear my bones crack under their shoe they like the satisfaction of the crack and the silence afterwards 

they don’t feel my body breaking  with each step, each stomp, each foot, each shoe they like the crack.  they walk out of their way to hear it

crack. and they leave they do not realise there is blood on the sole of their shoe sometimes, they don’t even notice i was there

but now  now i am just laying here  autumn leaves in a puddle on the roadside. i soak up all the moisture in this muddy pool

until i no longer crack  i am made soft. my bones are rot people still step on me but  now they don’t hear.

they see the glisten of the water, not me underneath  they want to splash and shout  my broken bones are a side effect  i soak it all in anyway

people used to step on me, sometimes. they liked hearing me crack under their shoe even if they didn’t feel it they saw me. they liked the crack

they don’t see me now. they still step on me  but they don’t mean to i am a happy accident as they try to avoid getting damp feet.

[maudlinmemorabilia]

love letters

cover me in all the love letters i have ever written and set me on fire

[maudlinmemorabilia]

ailment

it physically hurts that I cannot hold you; there is a physical ache inside of me echoing in my bones. it rattles in my ribcage chattering my teeth and pricking at my fingertips. please can you not make it stop?

[maudlinmemorabilia]

sunlight

most things in this life will never be certain. but sunlight through trees will never not be beautiful and joy after sorrow will always be bittersweet. and I will try again.

[maudlinmemorabilia]

hopeless romantic

you turned me into a hopeless romantic i don’t know if i can forgive you that

you turned me into a hopeless romantic so now no one compares to you

you turned me into a hopeless romantic, and now every song is ruined

you turned me into a hopeless romantic now holding hands with anyone but you feels wrong

you turned me into a hopeless romantic now stroking someone’s hair makes me think of you and cry 

you turned me into a hopeless romantic. and now i keep on hoping

you turned me into a hopeless romantic. emphasis on hopeless. 

[maudlinmemorabilia]

icarus pt II

she is like sunshine personified. i flew too close and got my wings burned

she is like sunshine and the plants are all dying.

[maudlinmemorabilia]

give it a year

i don’t want to lose you even if you’re barely in my life as it is even if I’m not in yours at all and you’re just a lingering picture I refuse to throw out hidden in the back of a wardrobe in a dusty cardboard box that I can’t bear to look at

even if you don’t know I still stare at that picture all the time even if it’s just a picture nothing tangible never was, maybe never will be even though that’s all I have

I don’t want to lose you but maybe if I gave you up went cold turkey like quitting cigarettes maybe the craving would go away because holding a cigarette in my hand just to hold it that isn’t helping

and maybe if I lose you maybe in the years to come I’ll see you in a car park on a rainy afternoon in march and maybe you’ll see me maybe you’ll want to see me and maybe in years to come

we’ll finally be able to have what we never could whether my brain is too broken or your heart is too scared maybe if I lose you now and we find each other in a year or five maybe you’ll love me then like I love you now