Open Letter To My Birth Mother
Dear P,
This may be the hardest letter I have written. To say that I have deep valleys of rage in my heart feels like an understatement. You many not know or even understand what that feels like but I can assure you it is one of the worst feelings I have felt in my twenty five years of life.
I am heartbroken to tell you about the ways mental health issues has ruined my relationship with you and now my two older sisters. Tee and Quan are so different now. I can’t even get a cohesive conversation out of them. I don't know what the hell happened to Tee while she sat in the hospital over and over and over again...and what happen to Quan when she tried to take her own life. I know this sounds selfish but dammit I get to be selfish at this moment in time. For eight years, I worked really hard to form the relationship I wanted to have with my sisters. I thought maybe they would treat me better than the siblings I was raised with and they did. I wanted to be around my older sisters every waking second I could. But that all changed at the end of March. All of it came to a spiraling screeching halt.
I was drowning in what is now irreversible grief and sadness. Before this all happened P, I could talk to my sisters about anything. I didn't have to hold back anything at all. Now, Tee barely responds to what I say and Quan is wrapped up in this new guy and can give me any type of conversation outside of that. \
It’s really hard not to get angry at them. I know it is not them. I know it something that they are dealing with. It is a part of them. Sometimes I feel like they think I don't understand what they are dealing with but that is far from the truth. I want to talk to both of them about what they went through and what is going on with them but I feel like it is going to be triggering.
Honestly I just don't want to deal with it anymore. I am tired and I if I am not careful I can end up the same way as my sisters...sad but the truth. I refuse to be next.
I wish this letter could have been positive but I am not feeling very upbeat and positive. I haven’t over the last few months. I have been feeling stuck, down and more so trying to separate from all of this. There is massive grieving going on and of letting go I have to do but I am doing it.
I wish you well,
A
