The Eyes Of An Adoptee

My name is Aerial K. I am twenty-eight! I am an adoptee who is in a ten year post reunion with my adopted family. Here is journey!

[aerialklove]

Four years later... ready for an update?

Gosh I have not blogged in a while. Would you all like an update? It's going to be a long one! Let me know!

[transracial-trainwreck]

Question for all my adopted people: would you adopt a child y/n?

[aerialklove]

My fiancé brings up adoption... more so when I say “ What if we cannot have children naturally?” He says “ Oh we can just adopted.” It makes me cringe because the way he says it makes it sound like we can just go, adopt a child and keep going with our lives. He is not adopted so his knowledge is very very limited. I love children and I believe every child deserves love and a good home but sometimes that does not always happen even with good intentions. There are so many layers to foster care and adoption. There are so many paths to navigate when you step into the realms of nurturing a child who was removed, taken, abused, given up, neglected in their biological home. I understand those layers because I experienced them. My parents, even with the best intentions, even with giving me all the materialistic things, even pizza Friday could not take away the feelings of rejection, abandonment, identity issues and so on. This is not to say that foster and adopted children are “ hard”... I am just saying you cannot raise a foster/adopted child like you would raise a biological child. Lots of people believe you can and that’s where I believe things spiral.

I have two younger siblings who are my parents natural born children. They did not experience what me and my twin brother experience. We all were raised the same but I believe wholeheartedly that my twin and I should have receive more emotional support. I am not sure what that would have looked like then. Maybe is could have been more honesty when we started to question why we looked different than everyone around us? Maybe it could have been therapy. I am not too sure. I just know that raising a biological child and adopted child is not the same.

So I do not think I would adopted a child just for the sake of having a child. Fostering and adopting should be about giving a child a loving stable home and advocating for the child in every aspect of their life.

[aerialklove]

When I share that I am adopted... a lot of times it is assumed that I was adopted by White people. However, when I tell them that my parents and my siblings are Black they seem surprised and even taken back by the idea that Black people adopt children. I believe this stems from the idea that ( some ) Black people take care of their own. If the momma cannot be with their children the grandmother will take them in. If the daddy cant be with their children the auntie with make sure the kids have what they need. I am not saying this to assert or assume anything... this is just a thought... even an observation as I have strategically navigated the highs and low of Black family culture or what seems to be “ the norm”.

I was asked if I ever struggled with my identity? Culturally speaking... no. I think there will alway be a “question of identity” when you come to the realization aka “ the truth” of the situation that you are not biologically connected to the person designated to love and raise you as their own. My parents were good parents . I turned out decent... that’s what a lot of people say when I share my story of rising from the ashes of my infancy to now thriving in the accomplishment of my adulthood. They mean well! There was a gaping void in my identity that was not resolved until I met my biological mother. There was no sense of self, no sense of truth until I was actually in the presence of my birth mother. Why? Because, I could look at my mom all day, bask in her love and accept all of the hugs and “ I love your” but it was not enough to penetrate that void. It was not superficial by any means. My mom gave me what she could and I accepted all of that. The void was still there... deep and consuming.

My birth mother’s voice filled that void. The sorrow in her voice and the joy in her eyes tugged on my heart strings. Her truth surged through me and forgiveness allowed our relationship to take flight. It was not overnight but an ongoing healing experience that I do not regret. Her identity is woven into mine. I can see myself with more clarity because I can see her. People ask me “ How do you forgive her... she was not a mother to you?” It took me a few years post reunion to answer this question but I believe I was able to forgive her because I was able to let it go. Those feeling of being unwanted, rejected, abandoned... were all lies. I chose to accept the truth. I listened to my birth mother share her story and I believe her. I believe that she wanted all five of her children. I can tell it in her voice every time I talk with her. Every single time. When I call her and she answers the phone she goes “ Is this my baby girl Aerial?” It’s an elated feeling of gratitude that she is willing and able to be in my life just the way she is.

My momma has come along way in the past ten years. Our relationship is so much better. Mother’s Day just passed and it has always, always, always been a struggle for me. My mom said “ Did you call P. for Mother’s Day” and for a split section the peace that took over in the moment was so nice that I didn’t answer right away. I love them both so much. Even though they have different meanings in my life I wouldn’t change anything.

Thanks for reading!

Peace & Love

~A

[lgrim-99]

Reblog if you are adopted/ are in the foster care system . I wanna know what community we have on here :)

[n0bxdy-s-perfect]

It’s okay to...

It’s okay to be adopted.

It’s okay to love being where you are.

It’s okay to wish you were some elsewhere.

It’s okay to love your adoptive family.

It’s okay to miss your biological parents.

It’s okay to be different.

It’s okay wanting to be just like everyone else.

It’s okay wanting to fit it.

It’s okay to don’t feel comfortable  in your own skin.

It’s even better to embrace body acceptance.

It’s okay wanting to meet your biological family.

It’s okay wanting to forget them.

It’s okay to feel that you’re living someone else’s life.

It’s okay to feel integrated in your family.

It’s okay to think that you belong elsewhere.

It’s okay to have doubts.

Adoption is okay.

[aerialklove]

Hello Beautiful People!

I am so sorry I have been MIA lately. So much has happened since I have posted! I hope that you all are doing well! So here is the run down:

My birth mother P landed in the hospital ( were I work) and I braced myself for the worst. She was okay thankfully. I called her the next day and she told me she suffered a seizure or had seizure like activity. She was recovering and she said she was ok. I was relieved that she was okay but I cant help but wonder what she would be like if she lived a healthier lifestyle. I also wished her a Happy Mother’s Day. I usually do every year. Even my mom asked about P from time to time.

I got engaged to my boyfriend on Valentines Day. He surprised me and I of course said yes. We have been dating for three years but we have been friends since 2013. We are hoping to get married soon but everything is soooooo expensive. It’s been fun being engage but tedious as well. All in all things are going well!

I took a DNA test to see if B, Tee and Roddy’s father, was my biological father and he ended up not being my bio father. He was sad and I was sad that he was sad. He says he doesn’t understand because I look just like his soon. I did tell him that this doesn’t have to change the relationship we have. I would like to a DNA test on my biological father though. That would be super interesting or do DNA. testing with my twin brother. I was not particularly sad about B not being my bio father. He is really sweet though and I love the relationship we have.

I am eleven years post reunion and I am so grateful that the work I put in and the work my family put in initially is paying off. I feel like I am not swimming in the sea of unknown anymore. Everyone is just a call away.

Oh yeah I have an essay published in Chicken Soup for the Soul “ I Am Speaking Now” Black Women Share Their Truth In 101 Stories Of Love, Courage, And Hope. It will be available by June and my essay is call Pretty Brown Girl.

Reach out to me! I would love to hear from you!

Peace & Love ~ A

[aerialklove]

Here is an overview of my biological family:

My birth mother’s name is “P”. She is a very sweet bubbly and kind person. We have the same personality and we look so much alike. She had me in her early twenties. I am her youngest daughter and we talk to each other a couple of times a month. She is lovable approachable and has a big laugh. She is goofy like I am. We have a good relationship. At times I wish it was more but I understand why it can’t be that way. When I’m talking to my bio siblings I just refer to her as mom. It makes it easier.

My biological father’s name is “T”. I really don’t know too much about him. I’ve only spoke to him in person twice one being more recent. I know that he was incarcerated when I was a baby. I believe he has six adult children with me and my twin brother being the youngest. He has two daughters that I have not met.

Here are my biological siblings from oldest to youngest:

“S”is my oldest biological sister on my birth father side. She is the only daughter that I know on his side of the family. She has a family and she is very sweet. She introduce me to “T” and was there to support me.

Roddy is the first biological sibling that I reached out to. He is the oldest brother on my birth mother side of the family. I actually found him on Facebook and sent him a message. He is a marine and he was the first one to call my mom to see if we could connect. He is so much like my twin brother and he is a very chill person. I am so excited to have a big brother. He has a wife and two kids.

Tee is the first biological sister that I met on my birth mother side. She has a family. She and I have been through a lot together and if you read my previous posts you know that we have a whole story to tell. She introduced me to my birth mother for the first time and has supported me for the last 10 years. She means a lot to me and we still have a strong relationship. Now she only lives two minutes down the road from me. She has two kids.

Quanie is my full sister. We have the same birth mother and biological father. She’s only 11 months older than me and my twin brother. We met on Facebook and have been inseparable sense. She has my personality but looks just like my twin. She was adopted two hours away from us. She has a daughter.

“A” my twin- He is my full biological siblings as well. He is the youngest son of our biological parents and the only son to our birth father.

My biological mother: Roddy, Tee, Quanie, Me, A

My birth father: “S”, daughter, daughter, Quanie, Me, A

[aerialklove]

Here is an overview of my adoptive family:

Momma- I call my adoptive mom momma ( or “my mom”). She fostered me and my twin from six months old until seven years old. I don't know her by anything else except my mom. We have a better relationship now that I am an adult than we use to have.

Dad- I call my adoptive father dad! He was more of a provider for us. He tossed the football and shot hoops with us occasionally but he work two jobs to give us everything that we asked for. He would come home and watch westerns, eat and go to bed but he was a great day and even to this day he still calls me cupcake. Other family says I am his favorite.

A ( my twin brother)- My twin brother and I was adopted together. The social worker did not want to break us up. He is a very quiet person. His adoption story, even though we grew up in the same home, is different than mine. He was very adamant about not wanting to know his birth family or anything to do with the subject. Now we have met the majority of our birth family on our birth mother side. He is my best friend and the only biological connection I had growing up. We have a great relationship.

Wil- Wil is the first natural born child of my adoptive parents. Before our adoption was legalized my mom gave birth to him. We fought a lot as children. We never agreed on anything, we made fun of each other, and there was always a power struggle. Now in our 20s we have a better relationship.

Meme ( Meya)- Mini is the youngest. She didn’t like me growing up. She favored A more than me. She is the last child of my adoptive parents. We really didn’t get along that well. Now we have a great relationship.

Granny- My granny is my mom’s mother. She is the matriarch of our family. We stayed with my grandparents a lot and she definitely had a hand in raising me. My grandfather passed away 15 years ago so my grandmother has been widowed since. She is a very sweet lady but will let you know what she thinks about you.

Auntie- My aunt is also my godmother and my mom’s only sister. She was always around and she also had a hand in my upbringing. I don’t believe we have the best relationship growing up but now we are better.

[aerialklove]

Introduction: My name is Aerial! I am twenty-eight years old! I am an adoptee! I was fostered and adopted by my parents and found my biological family ten years ago! I also have a twin brother who was adopted with me. I have been blogging my experience as an adoptee for almost ten years. I offer the highs and the lows of my adoption journey. It's rewarding and emotional all at the same time.

I am the oldest of four siblings I was raised with and the second youngest (my twin is the youngest) of five biological siblings. Talk about being the awkward middle child. lol! You all are more than welcomed to ask me anything! I am opened and honest and would love to connect!

Peace & Love

~A.

[aerialklove]

Major life Update! Coming back to the blog! I missed you all...

Hello beautiful people! I have missed you all immensely. Life happened. 2020 happened. It was alot of things! I have so much to tell you all but do not want to bombard you all! So here is a bullet point list. If you want me to go into details... I def. do not mind. 

1. I did a DNA test for B. B is Tee’s (my older half sister. We dont do half and whole but for the purpose of keeping the story straight...) B. has always thought that I was his daughter because I look exactly like his son Roddy which I do. The DNA test confirms that I am not his biological daughter. I know for fact that he was sad. I told him that things do not have to change. It made me wonder about my birth father more. 

2. My adoptive mom ( my momma) told me that she doesn't think my adoption was a closed adoption. She believes that it was initially open. I was like omg what? So I am going to go to social services to see what I need to do to get my original information!

3. My birth mother and I are still speaking. She is nice! 

3. I am working a hospital now. I am stationed at the ED ( emergency department). I was working at my desk when I heard somebody talking to me. Come to found out it was my biological father T. I don't think he knew who he was speaking to at the time... because of the mask. He was so excited to see me. He wanted to chat but because I was at work I couldnt really have a conversation with him. I decided to talk with him because he seems like an ok person. He is really sick. He will probable be in and out of the hospital. He asked if he could come see me and instead of saying no like I wanted to...I said maybe we can arrange something. I will definitely do another post on this topic.

How are you all doing? Happy New Year to each of you! I cannot wait to reconnect! 

[aerialklove]

Hello Friends!

Like this post if you would like an update!! 

Peace& Love  ~A.

[l0vingl1fe1]

I think it’s worse not knowing than knowing. I would rather be hurt by the truth than spend my time wondering.

[aerialklove]

Contacting My Birth Mother or Not?

I broke my kneecap ( fractured my right patella bone) a little over a month ago. I had surgery on the 8th of Feb. My birth mother came to see me the next morning. She met my boyfriend and was showing affection towards me as a mother would. 

Not to long ago she was in the same hospital admitted for a slight overdose on drugs. She made it to the hospital in time. I remember visiting her by myself a couple of times and thinking “ Could she have been a mother to me?” That same thought came to my mind as she was visiting me. I was sitting there trying to be present and aware of my feelings. I wasn't in pain..at the moment...so I was pretty upbeat. 

She told me to give her a call when I could. The first three weeks out of the hospital was brutal on my mental and my emotional safe. I could barely do anything physically. I didn't want to talk to anybody. Her birthday came around and I didn't call her. I did send her a text. I told her I wasn't feeling well and that I was actually pretty down. She texted me and told me that she loves me and I believe her. However, creating a healthy boundary is necessary for me at this point in time.

All I have ever wanted was my birth mother in my life. Once we initially got in contact almost ten years ago I was so excited and eager to get to know her. Once I met her in person and was able to put a face to the voice I became really sad honestly. Why? Because she became real, tangible and not a fantasy in my mind. She couldn't be what I imagined..anymore. As time went on I thought having her in my life and meeting family would feel a void but it ultimately didn’t. Not all of it anyway. So there I was. I accomplished finding my bio family which sadly a lot of adoptees are not able to do but now at that point in time, I felt lost all over again.  At 24 I was angry because I thought that would fix me. It didn't because I didn't know who I was or wanted to be. I began to spiral internally which lead me to therapy.    

All that to say: The hardest decision I am and have been making is when and how much I allow my birth mother to be in my daily life. I love her so much. I appreciate who she is and her life. Even when people say “ How can you love someone who left you at the most vulnerable time of your life?”  I say “ Forgiving her and forgiving myself ( A whole post by itself) That’s how I am able to love her and accept love from her. It is very hard. There are days when I want/need to hear her voice to settle my heart and there are days when I am not emotionally capable to hear her voice in my heard. I am grateful for all the days. 

So, for now, I am focused on healing and regaining the use of my right leg!

I would love to hear your thoughts!

[aerialklove]

My Twin Is Not Interested In Biological Family...

I have always known that my twin brother was not interested in biological family. It was apparent when we were kids catching on to our personality difference from our younger siblings and the fact that we looked different from our parents. My twin felt like he was not wanted and that’s why we ended up here. I felt like something must have went terribly wrong and that’s why we ended up here.

He told me Saturday night that he was not interested and is still not interested. I understand. I do. I asked him “ What about your son?” He said “ He has me?” and who do you have? He said “ I have you.” ( Basically thats what he said) I thought to myself...this is where my issues start with my twin. I usually do the work and he comes up the rear and bennefits but people tend to gravitate to him more. I researched birth family names, I met people, I formed relationships, I did all these things and then he’s is able to just be connected. I have been called jealous for that. I am not jealous. I am angry because he had the same opportunities to make the same strides I did but because of his preconceived notion that he wasn’t wanted ( when clearly he was) and the lack of an open mind and being “content with his situation” ...I have been handling all of it and basically including him the the tagline. I guess your cant have Aerial without Aaron being to far behind. 

I love my twin brother and would do anything for him. The first thing my birth mother told me whe we talked on the phone for the first time is to protect my brother. The first promise that I ever made to my birth mother was that I will protect him. I wish A. was more open minded but as an adoptee I get it and I dont try to push it with him. Eventually he will have to deal with the things.

[aerialklove]

My Adoption Story ( Overview)

Hey friends! So I wanted to give somewhat of an overview of my adoption story so you dont have to scroll through almost 900 post to figure out what I am talking about!! 

My name is Aerial and I am twenty-six years old. I am from Virginia here in the U.S. I was born as a twin. By the time we were four months old we were taken out of our biological home and placed in foster care. Not only were we placed, my older sister Quan was placed, my first cousin was placed and we all were basically seperated however the social workers kept me and my twin brother together. 

I recently found out that my birth mother P. did not leave us in an apartment by ourselves ( me, my twin brother, Quan, and two of our first cousins) her late sister did. Between the ages of four months to nine years old left with a druggie alcoholic lady. 

My birth mother raised all Hell in the social workers office trying to get us back but unfourtnately over the course of the next five years she was deemed unstable to care for her five children.  My foster parents now my adoptive parents had just secured three acres of land, built a two story house and had two kids naturally. We were legally adopted by the time we were seven years old.

I found out I was adopted around the age of eleven or twelve however I had a feeling around nine that I was different and I started asking questions. I am Black and my adoptive family is Black so nobody really mentioned anything. “Why are their no baby baby pictures of me?” “ Why are there no ultrasound pictures of me? Nobody really had the answers for me. I was putting clothes in the washing machine in the basement and I tripped over a small box. I picked up all the letters to put them back and one had my name on it but my name was different. It was court case papers that confirmed my adoption. My mom found out and she was not very happy. 

Condensed Version

I found my biological siblings on facebook and we met in the summer of 2010. My birth mother called me on my 18th birthday we had a secret phone relationship until I met her in a hospital for people with mental conditons. I met my birth mother’s father side of the family and my biological father in the course of the next three years. 

I started this blog in 2013, I think, just to really get my thoughts down becaue I didnt really have anyone to really talk to honestly about how I felt and found a beautiful community of adoptees, people who dealt with foster care, adoptive parents, biological parents, and advocates of the adoption triad. 

Yes I have been on this journey since I nine. I have experience the positvie and the not so positive...trying to escape generational traps, being a good daughter to both my mom and birth mother, acceptance and rejection...and the joy of being an Aunt to all these kids that I adore with my whole heart ( three nephews and two nieces). I can truly say I wouldn’t go back and change it if I could and I hope sharing my story will inspire you to do to the same.

Feel free to reach out to me. PM me for contact info outside of tumblr. Take care of yourself! 

Peace & Love ~A.

[aerialklove]

Are You A Bastard Child? An Adoptee Perspective....

<<<<<< Trigger Warning >>>>

Yesterday my less than sober dad came to the house and my mom was not particularly in the mood for it. I was sitting on the bed making sure my dad didnt touch my knee or my leg brace. My sister Meme was on the other side. It was raining and my dad was trying to get me to ride to the store with him and Meme. I cant drive at the moment. My mom said I shouldnt go because I could slip on the porch or slide on the steps. My intoxicated dad ( Meme was going to drive) said “ I am her father and she can go!” I said “ technically he is” as a joke. I like to pop a few here and there. Meme said “ Who is your father? Melvin?” I said “ No that’s my grandfather.” My mom said “ T.”  Meme said “ Oh that’s right! I said “ Thats what they told me but who knows? “ Again another joke. Meme said “ Are you a bastard child?” in a serious tone. My mom nipped the convo in the bud right there because I think it started to get a little sensitive for her.

Am I a bastard child? Well my bio parents were not married...ever. So I was born out of wedlock I guess. I never really explored my feelings about my biological father. He was in jail when I was an infant but I have the letter he wrote from jail and I met him about three or four years ago. I feel a void but honestly not as big as the one that I felt before I met my birth mother. 

There is some saddness that lingers. I dont know if I can trust the info that I have or the fact that B. could be my bio father. I decided that had gone far enough in my journey of finging answers. This is the only stone that I have yet to unturn and its a little more complicated than I anticipated. A DNA test would turn the stone over but I havent gotten there yet. I dont know if things will get there.

Did the question hurt my feelings? Not really. Meme sincerley was wondering as a biospawn would. I didnt give her an answer because I believe she knew the answer. Thoughts?

[poems-and-word]

[aerialklove]

The one thing I find as an adult adoptee is that any form or rejection is painful. Being said “ no” to, losing friends, people leaving...just tears me up on the inside. I spent the last three years in therapy “unlearning” and learning how to love myself for who I am and accept myself. Yes I found my birth family but I didnt find myself until recently. Finding them helped me to gain a visual but I had to do the work myself.