#adoption feels

[sendhelpfanfics]

My parents are so wholesome like honestly I want that.

Including the inability to have kids.

[waywardmusings]

You know, my brother is often acclaimed to look so much like my dad and that he has many traits of my mom's family, and sometimes it makes me wonder what they think about me.

I don't look like either of my parents, so sometimes I wonder if people that don't know I am adopted think Mom cheated or something.  

If I was  standing next to my cousin K and my brother, you would pick them out as siblings which in a way they are genetic half siblings since their mothers are identical twins. 

It's just strange to think about, especially when I recently learnt that Mom got accused by doctors of cheating on Dad because they thought my brother's blood type is weird (must have been a mistake on the test because it's normal inheritance?) There is no physical doubt that my brother is my parents kid, but I do look out of place and if Mom got shit for that thing with my brother, did she get any about me?

Edit: The people harassing Mom about my brother never included Dad.

[thisisnotanimageofloss]

Shit, apparently November is national adoption month. Perfect, because the birthmonth when the garden is put to bed and the mushrooms are more or less over wasn't bad enough. Can I just hide in the woods with all my heavy blankets until after Christmas? Maybe I'll ask Momma D to hide with me. And the Genius, and we can camp out and toast marshmallows and pretend like none of us is asking a million questions that start with what if against our better judgement.

[thisisnotanimageofloss]

I have two moms who I have great relationships with, and am close with, and still here is the week-before-mothers-day insomnia and moodiness, like I'm 13 and still looking to reconnect again...fuck

[thisisnotanimageofloss]

I need to say something about adoption, and I can't seem to get it all together at once. So I will say this.

I never felt abandoned. Psychologists who tried to push me into their preconceived "abandonment" narratives are not only full of shit, but caused real harm. In spite of Momma L's and Dad's attempts to be "colourblind", I can't remember a time when I didn't have at least a basic awareness that racism was a thing, or that other people judged Momma D for having me.

[cotton-ee]

Socially acceptable: continuing to live with and love your emotionally abusive parents. especially if adopted.

Socially unacceptable: continuing to live with and love an emotionally abusive significant other.

One is called "grateful" and "respectful," the other is called delusional.

Something's wrong here.

[cotton-ee]

You know that old "my life has been a lie" cliche?

Yeah.

I just said it to myself.

I'm realizing too many things about the abuse my mom has put me through. All at once. 

I never wanted to accept the idea that maybe she doesn't love me as much as I thought and hoped she did. It's entirely possible for her to think she loves me but it's actually just a shallow love based on her need to be loved.

I hate the government for no longer checking up on me (or any other adoptee, unless this has changed since the early 90's, or it varies by state or something) at any time after the adoption was final. But she's so good at hiding her manipulation because on the outside she seems like a perfect mother. By the time she started doing really hurtful things, I was already strongly attached to her. So even if they had continued to monitor me, it just would have been more traumatic to be taken away.

There was probably no "good" outcome for me.

[cotton-ee]

I finally have a shred of emotion regarding the two sisters I've never met. For the first time I want to meet them. I want to know them, see if they're still alive, happy, or happier than I am. I want to know their interests and passions. Especially my full blood younger sister. I think she's 18. It feels like all this time that I could have spent trying to find her was taken away from me because my adoptive mother was worried James would change his mind and come back for me. So it was a closed adoption and although the documents said he was technically not supposed to contact me until I was 21, I was never told that and was led to believe that if he really cared about me he would have been looking for me. Ouch.

My parents' marriage dissolved after my sister was born and immediately adopted. My mother had three "please don't leave me!" babies. She definitely resented me and probably all three of us. She manipulated two men, her first husband and then my father, and damaged my life irreparably. Hopefully my half sister has had a better hand since she got to stay with her father. And I hope my younger sister had a more normal life with a less neurotic adoptive mother. I don't even know if she knows she's adopted or if she knows about me. I know her parents were told about me.

James thinks he found her. And he wanted my input on when he should send her parents a letter. At the time I wasn't sure. I didn't know if I cared or not yet. I guess I care now because it's hit me all at once. 

I really really don't want to have to deal with these feelings on my own anymore.