#adoption reform

[magnetothemagnificent]

Adoption is still traumatic even if the adoptive parents are gay, btw.

[ofdinosanddais1]

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[zerana]

Things we need changed regarding adoptions

As an adopted kid who was adopted a month after I was born, there’s been a few things that have always bugged me about adoption laws in the US.

1. Closed adoption agreements - with any other legally binding documents, the person or people they impact or relate to are involved in the process or have a say. In closed adoptions, I the adopted child never had a say in deciding if it’s closed or not. Yet realistically I’m the one that it most directly impacts. And even once I turned 18 I have no right to renegotiate or review the agreement. The decision has been made for me without my consent and it is forever legally binding. Do you know what it’s like to realize you’ve never been in the same room with someone you are genetically related to?? To date, I’ve never spoken with or met anyone I am biologically related to. I love my parents with all my heart and wouldn’t trade them for the world, but I believe I have the right to know who gave birth to me, if not out of curiosity, then for my medical history and preventative care. But that’s not guaranteed, and I’ve gone my whole life not knowing what conditions run in my genes. DNA tests can only help so much.

I’m 27 and this year, 2020, was the year I found out I have biological half siblings, and saw what my birth father looked like for the first time. I still don’t know what any of their voices sound like, and I’ve not gotten the courage to contact them yet. In all honesty, because of the sparse information I was initially provided, I had to do all my searching on my own and am not even sure I found the right man for my birth father.

2. Price - why are we essentially selling kids to the best available couple who has money to fork out? There are other ways prospective parents can demonstrate their financial ability to provide for a child than by making them pay exorbitant prices to adopt. And there are people and couples who would be perfect parents who can’t afford the steep upfront cost. We do want these kids out of foster care, right?! My parents went through two adoption attorneys and were scammed out of upwards of $50,000, because their first attorney literally scammed them and had them pay to adopt a child that didn’t actually exist then ran off with the money. So it cost them way more than it should have and came with no guarantee they’d be able to adopt a kid. I’m grateful they didn’t give up and finally were able to adopt me. But it shouldn’t have been that costly, and the money spent on attorneys could have been better spent by prospective parents on taking care of the kid they are adopting!

There are so many things we can do to change adoption law, but the short summary is this:

I do not believe there should be any law or contract telling me I can’t know who my biological parents are!

I have a RIGHT to know my own history, heritage, ethnic background, medical risks, and where I came from, and no law or contract should be able to take that right away from me!

[magnetothemagnificent]

If you're still okay talking about adoption stuff?

I had a hysterectomy to save my life. Every doctor I spoke to asked if I was going to keep my ovaries and reassured me that even if infertility treatment didn't work out "at least I'd be able to adopt".

It wasn't until after my surgery that I found out how horrible both the adoption and the infertility industry can be even if you do everything "right". I've already seen firsthand how awful the foster system is as well, so it really showed me that there's a lack of proper regulation no matter where the children are coming from or being placed. I already firmly believed that children are one of the most oppressed classes in our society, so this was heartbreaking even without considering my own infertility.

I wish more infertile people would take these issues as something they should be fighting for as well, rather than brushing it under the rug and hoping it just magically works out for them which happens often enough that I want to pull my hair out. But I also wish I didn't have to walk through these circles on eggshells because of how disparaging victims of these industries can be towards infertile people that want children that haven't said or done anything besides be infertile in their vicinity.

I don't mean when people talk about how infertile couples aren't owed kids or that birth parents deserve support to either abort or keep their child, even if that means infertile couples can't adopt. Those are very important conversations that need more light. But some people say truly horrible things - sometimes to infertile people's faces, including those advocating for them - such as that they should accept that they don't deserve to have kids because if they did they'd be able to have them naturally/that they're not allowed to mourn their infertility and if they do they don't care about adoptees/that having kids isn't the only way to have close relationships or a family so them being upset must mean they just wanted to take advantage of their kids so it's good they can't have any/that even being upset about it at all or needing a support group means they haven't "done the work".

Obviously, not everyone is like this and I've seen plenty of advocates call the behaviour out and even more welcome us happily, but it still makes trying to get involved nerve-wracking and makes me feel like I have to hide my infertility or risk being the punching bag for someone's trauma which... I would just like to point out is also traumatic. Infertility can be traumatizing too. It's not the same and I'm not trying to say it is, but acting like all infertile people are entitled rather than grieving doesn't help anybody. It's just the age-old issue of two traumatized groups taking their hurt out on each other and I don't see enough people acknowledging that's what's happening, y'know?

Not to mention that even people that do acknowledge that adoption needs to be reformed quickly still often act (usually without knowing the truth) like infertility treatment is an option with fewer ethical concerns when they both really, truly suck in the vast majority of cases. The utter lack of regulations for fertility treatments haunts me.

All important discussions to be had!

The infertility industry is also horrendously predatory, and there actually are a lot of intersections between the infertility industry and the adoption industry such as:

-Adopted children and donor-conceived children not having access to their medical and familial history, often running the risk of accidentally dating a sibling or being a carrier for a condition they have no idea about.

-Vulnerable people being targeted for their reproductive potential: birthing parents being targeted for their children, and people with ovaries being targeted for their eggs.

-Adopted children and donor-conceived children often facing social isolation and stigma from their peers and family.

-Little to no regulation in both industries, leading to mountains of abuse and malpractice.

I've seen incredible examples of solidarity between donor-conceived children and adoptees, and it's something that really needs to continue.

Both industries prey on childless couples by treating children like products, and cause serious harm to the children involved.

I wish I knew a perfect solution.

Until then, in order to reduce as much harm as possible, we need to:

-Get rid of the societal expectation that in order to be considered a family, a couple must have children of their own.

-Normalize non-Nuclear families. You can still have children in your life without being a legal parent- aunts/uncles, cousins, friends, etc. should all be cherished as being integral parts of a child's life. You shouldn't have to be a parent to love a child.

-Stop treating infertile people like they're failed people, and provide counseling and support for those who are infertile, and allow a space for infertile people to voice all their feelings without shame.

-Family reunification should be the top priority when it comes to foster care. While of course this is not always possible, even when the parents are out of the picture, too often, children are whisked away to foster care when their grandparent, aunt, uncle, sibling, or family friend would be more than suitable and even willing to provide care for them.

-In the cases where adoption or donor conception has already occured, full-transparency must be provided for the child. This means access to their medical records and their familial records at any time.

-And lastly, center adoptees and donor-conceived children in the conversation. I am not an adoptee nor a donor-conceived child (although there are people close to me who are), and I only speak for what's already been said much better by actual adoptees and donor-conceived children.

[magnetothemagnificent]

You mentioned foster care in one of your posts and I just wanted to clarify a bit about the system for others unfamiliar with it since my mom worked in foster care for a number of years.

The current goal of the U.S.’s foster care system in reunification. However it is a very broken system so this is not necessarily something that we see happening a lot of the time. Foster care is supposed to be a time for the parent to work in bettering themself through rehab, classes, etc. and there are times where this does happen and works. But the system is broken meaning that often times these people don’t get the help they need. And their children don’t receive the care they need either. Unfortunately case workers are very overworked with too many kids on their case loads meaning that things that are great do tend to get overlooked. Most states are desperate for foster families meaning that a lot of times things will get overlooked.

And sometimes kids are put back into the homes they came from when it’s still not safe for them because the reunification focus is forced too much by most states.

Also most foster kids go back to their families or age out. Most of them aren’t getting adopted or even eligible to be adopted. That only happens if parental rights are terminated.

I just wanted to put this out there since most people have no clue how the system is designed to work and act like it’s an end all solution when it very much is not and is very much in need of fixing.

You can’t bring up adopting children and fostering them without facing the realities of what their lives are like. They are human beings with their own memories and experiences snd it’s important to remember that when thinking about adopting. It’s unfortunately never as straightforward as it seems.

Yeppppp

The foster care system is deeply broken, because even if reunification is the goal, parents aren't given the resources to better themselves for their children. Whether it's because of addiction, poverty, or a mixture of both, parents are seldom given the support they need.

Family reunification needs to go hand-in-hand with improving the material conditions of families.

[magnetothemagnificent]

okay i hope you don't mind me chiming in but since adoption is being discussed i want to share my family's story because i think it's important. my mom was adopted at two weeks old - she has no memory of her birth parents, no memory of anything aside from her adoptive parents. her parents were always completely transparent with her, she always knew she was adopted so there wasn't any sort of feeling of betrayal or being lied to when she found out, she just always knew. her parents were also entirely clear that she was their daughter, that they loved her just as much as if she was their own flesh and blood, and that she was free to try and find her birth parents at any time if she wanted to. despite all of this, my mom still has an immense fear of abandonment that stems from the fact she's adopted. she's never tried to find her birth parents because she's terrified they would reject her (in her own words, "reject [her] again") and she's been overbearing and overprotective of me as her only child since i'm the only biological family she has (this isn't me speculating this is something she's said - not the overprotective part mind you, but that i'm her only biological family and she's scared to lose me because of that).

i truly believe my mother carries some deep trauma from being adopted despite her parents by all means doing everything right, and her trauma has led to her doing things that traumatized me in turn. none of this means adoption as a practice is wrong or shouldn't exist, but not discussing these things openly leads to more harm - my mom's reluctant to talk about how she feels about her adoption because she's worried she'll sound like she doesn't love her adoptive parents (which she does, she loves them dearly and they both loved her while they were alive). adoption leaves scars even when children are adopted into loving families, and not talking about those scars is hurting people. it's a delicate subject but what good are any of us doing by not talking about it?

anyway, i'm sorry for how long this message is, and i really appreciate you talking about adoption. i can't overstate how important these conversations are.

I want to send a hug to you and your mom, you are so so right that even kids adopted into loving families still face fears of abandonment, and it's so important to talk about.

We need to talk about these issues, because pretending adoption is perfect only serves to alienate adoptees.

[magnetothemagnificent]

Another thing people need to consider is the horrible reasons which often lead up to people having to give up their children ( poverty not being addressed, abusive behaviors on behalf of idiots who got told everyone was cut out to be a parent/divinely ordained by Christ to be one, and lack of abortion access ). Society needs to address all of these problems, too.

yepppppppp

[magnetothemagnificent]

I think some people are getting way too hung up on whether you can "prove" adoption is traumatic and need to look at the basic thing that happens with virtually every adoption: significant loss. It's pretty obvious how that would affect someone. And wannabe parents aren't entitled to the losses of other human beings in order to have a child.

👆