Oct 28, 2017
IM FUCKING SCREAMINGJKNRSDFM ,CF
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IM FUCKING SCREAMINGJKNRSDFM ,CF
I haven't been someone's boyfriend in so long... I really hope that this doesn't end up like every other attempt at a relationship that I've made. Already, I really want things to work out this time - with Ashley. I don't know if she realizes how special she is, I hope that I can do a good job of making her feel that.
Apparently Ashley wants to talk to me. That's rich.
I don't know what the hell I'm doing, and everything still hurts. Now I've just added this tight feeling in my chest, because it's happening again. I like someone that doesn't know if they want me in any kind of serious way. I don't know what's worse; liking someone that you know doesn't want more, or liking someone that doesn't know if they want more? I just want to be an obvious choice for someone. I want someone to be as sure about me as I am about them. Maybe this is just what I get for not being up front about all of my shit? Maybe God is real, and he's been punishing me this whole time for losing faith? If He is... He can fuck right off to Hell.
It's been a really long time since I've been as simultaneously excited and terrified for something as I was to finally kiss Ashley. I say finally like I've been waiting for months to get the chance to when in all reality... we've only been talking to each other for a couple of weeks. We've just been spending so much time together already. I mean, hell... it's not often that you take a nap cuddled close to someone bEFOre you've kissed. It almost feels like we've both realized how cool our connection is, and we're both very cautious not to fuck it up. That caution is causing me to grow nervous though. What if I'm too cautious, and chicken out about telling her about certain parts of me? What if she sees me for who I really am, and gets upset at me for pulling one over on her? I just... there are things that I can't just speak about freely. I'm afraid to dump all of my crap too soon. I'm also afraid of waiting too long... say we've both let our feelings grow, and she feels trapped by the knowledge of my reality. I wonder if she sees it at all? Or will it just come completely out of left field in her eyes?
I'm glad that we've kissed; it'll give me one less thing for me to worry about on our date later.
Brendon is totally right though. I shouldn’t let the fear of things ending badly cause me to not let something start. The whole thing with Dallon was just a hiccup in the road. Even though I’m feeling like I shouldn’t let myself open up to another person - platonically, romantically, or sexually - I can’t let Dallon have that kind of power over me, especially when he probably never even cared.
I like spending time with Ashley, I don’t think I’ve smiled genuinely that much in a singular hangout as I do with her. For once… it’s not that I feel like I can let my guard down, and be honest about how much pain I’m in; it’s like she makes me forget about it entirely. I honestly feel like I’m in high school again. She makes me so nervous, but like I told her about something completely unrelated… if I’m not nervous, I’m not excited about it.
Woke up feeling like complete shit after drinking, and the whole thing with Dallon. It seems like my luck is turning around though; I asked Ashley out on a date, and she said yes. This feels good for me. She makes me smile a helluva lot... things are light and fun. I just hope that my confession about my past issues with drugs don't change that.