Valentine's Day Marathon 2026: David Dastmalchian
Hello!
Every year, I pick an actor, put a shit ton of their projects on a wheel, and then watch whatever the wheel tells me to watch. This is a small tradition that I've held onto since some time in high school (for context, I turned 23 this year).
I ran a poll this year asking if you guys wanted me to rank the movies I watched this year and a lot of people said yes. I tried to focus on the quality of the movie in general and then explain my opinion on David's character on its own, so any grievance I have with the movie itself isn't seen as a reflection of my opinion on David's performance.
I only have two solid rules: the project has to be free to stream on a service I already have access to AND I have to watch what the wheel picks. No respins. (that's why the list is going to look random. I'm not just grabbing what I want to watch)
This year's actor was David Dastmalchian. Mostly because I had apparently seen a shit ton of his projects but never noticed or recognized him.
Anyway, I put 34 of David's projects on a wheel and let the day take its course. Now, I am going to rank what I watched.
NOTE: This post contains spoilers for a variety of movies and tv shows. Keep that in mind while reading.
The Suicide Squad (2021) - Directed and Written by James Gunn: This was so good. It mixed humor and tension well. They managed to make all of the characters feel like individual and defined characters. They each had distinct personalities that made their personal choices make sense. The actions scenes were badass. There were some moments where it feels rushed or maybe janky but I think it all works out to support the final project in the end. This is clearly a film that you have to do homework for going it. It is made for the people who love DC and want it to succeed. And I know exactly why. James Gunn loves DC and you can see it in every frame of this film. But I'm really not saying anything groundbreaking there. And oh dear Abner Krill, what to say about him? He is the perfect example of what I think David's most evident typecasting is (if there truly is any): villain and/or pathetic. Abner is the perfect "and" example for that. Technically a villain but truly is just very deeply damaged and feels like peace for him is an impossibility. I adore him. I think he's great. He has some of the funniest lines in the whole movie and I just adore him. I'm so happy nothing devastating happened to him and he went on to live a peaceful life where nothing bad happened ever (I'm in denial). This movie is available on HBO Max.
Ant-Man (2015)- Directed by Peyton Reed & Written by Edgar Wright & Joe Cornish: I love Ant-Man. I fucking love Ant-Man. If you were to ask me, this movie is the peak of what Marvel commonly strives for in tone, especially in 2015. The action is great, the characters are both funny and easy to connect with, and the story is interesting without becoming too hard to follow. I think it is amazing and is genuinely one of my favorite marvel films right now. I am so happy that I got to rewatch it. David's character is amazing. It's hard to make a character with only a few lines land so well, but David does it with perfection. It is a glowing example of his comedic chops, which I feel like we only get to see when he's also murdering people. It's a very nice change of pace. This movie can be found on Disney+.
The Rookie [2024 - S.6, E.5 (Dir. Chi Yoon Chung and Writ. Vincent Angell, Diana Mendez, Madeleine Coghlan) &6 (Dir. Bill Roe and Writ. Elizabeth Beall, Leland Jay Anderson, Madeleine Coghlan)]: Oh... The Rookie. What a fascinating show. First of all, I can see how this show has gone on for as long as it has. I have an interesting background with this show. I've seen quite a few episodes, including one that David was in because my parents watch it. These episodes in particular are fine. They seem like pretty standard episodes, nothing particularly interesting. I struggle where to rank it because there was truly nothing great but nothing awful. it makes it feel a touch awkward to try to find a place to put it. It also makes me feel like I have nothing interesting to say. Ray Watkins as a character is exactly what you would expect from that kind of character. Sleazy and secretive and strangely funny at times (his little spin and peace signs when he was walking up to Tim's car). David does a great job with this character, which isn't surprising. I went from chuckling at him to fully tensing as he was standing in Lucy's apartment within like ten minutes, maybe. This character isn't just great because David is good at his job but also because the writers understand what they're doing. They understand how to entertain an audience and to remind you that Ray is a dangerous person that should scare you. They also understand the larger weight that this kind of situation has within the show's universe. I do think this character and show is interesting. I just don't think it was the most interesting thing that I watched today.
Teacher (2019) - Directed and Written by Adam Dick: I have some really mixed feelings in this movie. On one hand, I really liked the tone it had and the path it took to deliver its message. One of acknowledging trauma and understanding the impact it has on you and others around you. How it can color your view on the world and that we are all responsible for stepping back and seeing the full picture. On the other hand, if you introduce a gun in the first act, then I want to see it used a little bit more. Sorry, but murder would've been fun to watch. Which makes me feel a touch heartless but again, I am watching a man unravel and I know he has a gun and some kind of history of violence, so expecting him to take a violent route earlier in the story with a touch more commitment doesn't seem unreasonable. The story itself is fine, but does drag at times and stumbles on its own feet once or twice. David is the star of this movie. We watch the world through his perspective. We see his biases and we see them as facts. It is all portrayed so well. We follow him down his personal spiral and watch him turn from simply a troubled man to a troubled man who becomes obsessed with this idea of perfect justice and perfect revenge. It is exactly what a performance for a character like this should look like. This movie is on Tubi right now. Just make sure you click the right one because there's a million and one movies with the world teacher in the title.
Intruders (2014) - Directed by Eduardo Sánchez & Daniel Stamm & Written by Glen Morgan: This show is pretty interesting. I honestly imagine that this show would click with some people. I just don't think this was for me. Or maybe it was just because it was the last thing I watched and I was a little tired. I might just need to give it a second try. I think the concept is cool and the execution seems fine. I'm just bummed to see the paranoid podcaster go out so soon. There were a lot of characters that all felt really similar and I think it needed something to break it all up. David's character was truly my favorite part. I already mentioned that the podcaster was the best due to him breaking up the similarity between all the other characters. David does a really great job showing this characters anxieties and how firm his beliefs are. He's stubborn and craves the truth to the point that he puts himself in harms way in a way that seems like it's out of his norm. This is all in one episode and you can still tell all these little things about him. Really cool character that did not get a proper chance to shine. This show is on Hulu. It's from 2014.
The Domestics (2018) - Directed and Written by Mike P. Nelson: This one was... something. I liked the general concept. Gangs developing in post-apocalyptic America is cool. However, the story was a touch choppy and some of the writing choices pissed me the fuck off (rest in peace, Betsy, you were so cool and that man was so useless for like ten minutes straight and you did not deserve to die). It felt like there was minimal effort put into tying together the scenes of the different villains/gangs getting to have their moment. Also, there were simply too many references to sexual violence for me. Like a couple of times makes sense to fit the setting of the movie makes sense, but this movie goes a little farther than what I saw as necessary. It felt like there was a focus on either sexual violence or violence in name of games and fun. Which is cool for a bit but there wasn't a lot of variety. You got one kind of violence for a little bit and then the other. It could've been spaced out a hundred times better and maybe shuffle it up a little. Still, Lance Reddick does give an awesome performance in this movie but some of that opinion might just be relief that he's not trying to assault anyone and is instead just eating people. David's character is a small one but he wears a snazzy suit and is a showman with a love for "ultra-violence" (his words). Surprised I haven't seen people talk about this character more. I thought he was a bit of breath of fresh air with the other gangs in the movie's universe. Genuinely, his sequence was probably one of my favorites in the whole movie next to the dinner scene with Lance Reddick and his character's family. This movie is available for free on Tubi. You don't even need an account. Just make sure you heed the warnings from earlier in this paragraph.
Relaxer (2018) - Directed and Written by Joel Potrykus: This one... kinda lost me. And I don't mean that I lost track of the plot. I just lost some interest right in the middle. The concept was interesting. I am usually a sucker for single-location movies but this one really didn't have the plot to back it up. Again, cool concept but it didn't show enough of the important stuff. To me, at least. Maybe someone else loved this movie but it didn't click for me. I truly have trouble describing it. It was just a very middle of road movie for me. I was just misled by the comedy label because holy shit, that was sad as fuck. David's character is... a prick. Absolute prick. To the bitter end. He did a great job because I absolutely hated his guts. Great performance but the movie really just lost me in a way I didn't think it would.
Afraid (2024) - Directed and Written by Chris Weitz: This movie was not great. I get the general premise but its execution was sloppy. The message at the end was probably meant to be about the harm of AI when we give them too much. However, what ends up happening is a push to accept AI as this inevitable force that will steal control no matter what we do, so we might as well accept it. The writing was flawed. So flawed that even the spectacular acting from everyone in it and the chemistry between the actors could not lift it back up. The performances in this are great. Everyone acting in it knows what they're doing and seemed to know what the tone even with a confused script that flip-flopped between boring and speeding. I am bummed that this movie didn't end up being better. Onto David's character... Lightning. Yes, his name is Lightning. He has like 10 minutes of screen time total. He's interesting but he's maybe the too obvious choice for "potential bad guy" here. There's a scene where he basically taps his fingertips together in front of his mouth like a cheesy villain from an old-school spy movie. Not his best performance for sure, but I really don't think it's his fault. There are probably someone people that will enjoy this movie... I'm just not one of them. You can find this movie on Netflix.
