#aftertheam

[wnq-writers]

1. Drink water 2. Take a break from social media 3. Think of 3 things you’re grateful for 4. Love yourself 5. Read a book 6. Practice self forgiveness 7. Write down your goals 8. Be honest with yourself 9. Don’t hesitate to tell someone how you feel 10. Take a nap

aftertheam,  writing prompt #71: Write 5-10 things you can do to make yourself happier every day.

[aftertheam]

Starting to question if writing is really helping me or just my way of putting all my emotions into words instead of feeling them

[shareaquote]

I know when we started losing each other - when I missed you even though you were laying right there next to me.

aftertheam

[aftertheam]

so i've been waiting for myself to get back to "normal" the last few days and then i think, what the fuck is normal?

i'm sitting here typing and erasing and typing and erasing because i don't know how to explain exactly how i'm feeling or what i'm going through because my mind is all over the fucking place and it's exhasuting and the migraines - fuck, the migraines are killing me. everything hurts and i'm tired and i feel fucking sad and out of my element. out of place and my brain isn't processing shit and what the fuck, when do i snap out of this funk?

i know i can't force it, but i wish i could speed up this process because i can't focus. i can't focus on work, i can't focus on what i need to get done, responsibilities, typical life shit. not being able to focus on my work kills me the most - i'm honestly happiest when i'm working because i love what i do. now i'm just a complete goddamn mess and it'll get better when my mind clears up soon but i'm losing my shit and i just want to fucking sleep or cry or break something but i guess the easiest thing to do would be sleep so yeah goodnight

[aftertheam]

I love this holiday for so many reasons but my heart is heavy this year. So much going on the last few months and I was up on the roof earlier watching fireworks and it was nice but I wasn’t really as excited or happy or satisfied. My mind is elsewhere and I’m sad I feel like there’s something missing

[aftertheam]

Its 5 am and my brain caught me off guard asking, “what was the difference between us that made him choose her?”

Well, shit. Maybe he never even took me seriously. Or maybe she’s this well balanced, emotionally stable, mature ass adult that wasn’t afraid to open up and be herself. Maybe she saw the subtle signs instead of being completely oblivious and coming off as uninterested. Maybe, at one point, he did want to build a relationship together - except I wasn’t ready and I fucked it up.

After that 3 am message telling me I’m not welcome around him or his girl (even though we haven’t spoke since I found out they were dating) I thought hey, maybe it would be best to block all that social media shit. If we arent friends and you’re going to pull some pussy whipped shit then I don’t really want to see your page randomly or follow your tweets or anything else. I need to be away from all of that, it’s insulting. But the next day I saw that he literally blocked me from every social media platform that I did the day before LOL

Man I don’t even know what im saying it’s 5 am, haven’t had good sleep in days. I’m kinda butt hurt about that stupid text but also who gives a fuck you aren’t apart of my life anymore? He seems so different now. He looks happy, I want him to be happy. I wonder if he genuinely is. His actions are very unlike him but if it makes her happy I understand why he’s acting this way. That’s sweet.

[aftertheam]

Woke up yesterday morning to check my schedule for the week and realized I’m turning 27 in two weeks and I still have no clue what in the actual fuck I’m doing with my life. Lol it’s like I have everything there, set up, ready and waiting for me but somethings stopping me and I feel stuck. Yeah, the last month threw me off, but fuck that excuse. Why the fuck can’t I just handle my shit instead of fucking around and avoiding what I actually care about?

Last year i was fucking homeless and sleeping in my car around the same time. Now it’s just a whole other set of bullshit problems that I will get through either way but goddamn can your girl catch a break!? Jesus Christ, I’ve lost my goddamn mind so many times since 2019 started it’s not even funny anymore but I still have to laugh about otherwise I’ll break and now isn’t the time for that.

Ok what am I saying!? I guess it’s because I didn’t picture myself being where I am now ten years ago. I keep thinking if I could go back in time, there are many things I’d have done differently. Opportunities I’d take, words I’d take back, pretty much everything. But then i stop and wonder if I’d still would’ve started RBC? It was the first time I did anything for myself, exactly what I wanted and how I wanted it done. I was happy. Would I still have had the chance to experience everything or meet everyone I came across? As much as the last few years have been rough, they’ve also been such a learning experience on every level. I never really lived my life until RBC. I just went through the motions and was terrified of taking any risks because I wasn’t ready to take that chance on myself but the second I did, fuck it was so worth it.

Alright so maybe I’m still a little lost, still a hot mess, still an emotional wreck, still trying my best to survive. But at least I’m making my decisions and choosing what I want for myself and not taking shit from anyone and I fucking love what I do and I’m lucky to even be able to pursue so quick reminder to myself: man the fuck up and get back to work because time isnt stopping for your ass to snap out of this funk. Go fuck shit up

[aftertheam]

Sorry I’m difficult to be around at times - I know I can be stubborn and hard headed, but I’ll always try and see both sides. I’ll put myself in your shoes to understand where you’re coming from.

I’ll admit when I’m wrong and being unreasonable, I’ll apologize and genuinely mean it. If you wrong me, I’ll be hurt, of course, I am human. But I don’t like to hold grudges, nobody should carry that negativity in their lives.

But I won’t apologize for knowing who I am especially at this crucial point in my life. It sounds selfish for not wanting to compromise myself for another person, but if someone is telling me how much they actually love and want to be with me, they should know me well enough and trust that if I say I’m with you, I’m with you 100%. Why should I have to put my energy into babysitting insecurities or doubts from past relationships? I’ve been cheated on, humiliated and completely broken by people over the years so I do not date anyone unless I trust them completely - otherwise I have zero interest wasting my time arguing about petty, childish bullshit.

I don’t give many chances, but when I do it’s all or nothing. I am a loyal and honest person, you don’t need to worry about me keeping secrets from your You’ll know when I’m in love with you so when somebody has to question my 10+ years of friendships with people of the opposite sex or speak to me condescendingly because I stayed out till 6 am on my day off or make a small stupid mistake at work, I don’t put up with it. I don’t need to explain myself to a person who wants to be with me especially if we’ve been close friends for over 3 years. Not only is it insulting, i feel like I’m being passive aggressively guilt tripped into being told what to do. If you know me, you know I don’t allow anybody to speak on my life.

I’m trying my best to survive, grow and better myself so I know I’ll always be okay no matter what bullshit I go through in life. I need to be there for myself before I can be there for anyone else and if that’s a concept people can’t understand then I feel like they shouldn’t be apart of my life. It’s shitty when it’s people who you assumed would be there for you, but that’s apart of growing up - growing apart.