Rehab #4 (Whitsitt in Chestertown, MD)
Detox has been brutal, plus I had a million bumps and bruises and a UTI from drinking nothing but vodka and gatorade for like a week. I didn't meet anyone that interesting, these three girls that came from prison together hated me and security had to stay with me for 2 days (imagine Patrice O'Neil as a security guard, I loved him. He'd complain every time I walked anywhere or went outside like "what is you doin, plantin some kale, doin pilates, whatever you tattooed white girls do, just do it in one place because I'm sweatin!") and I had to be in a private room, caught the worst respiratory infection from this very sweet homeless girl who it turns out I went to middle school with and one of my cousins was also there, basically it was like jail, except you can smoke and hug your visitors. Most people in there had been homeless or locked up for years, so I had to keep all my "NO TOUCHING" Arrested Development jokes to myself. One of the girls that hated me got out at the same time as me and we are trying to be friends, but it's very uncomfortable. We've seen each other almost every day and have plans again tomorrow, so we'll see. Honestly, I might not hang out with her after the meeting tomorrow. One of the other girls stole someone's medicine, came in my room, showed me her teeth were fake (like took them out in front of me and I am a nice person so I just hugged her and was like sshh it's okay), wrote "bestie" on my hand and then was kicked out the next morning. It was sad, I felt like she wanted to tell someone all the stuff she said to me, but couldn't do it unless she was high. She's on the run now, but she has my info so I hope to hear from her again. The third girl was also kicked out for taking someone's medicine. Oh and there was a fourth girl that didn't come from prison, but was with those girls and she left, overdosed and died 19 hours after leaving. Sad, but that's what happens. It was definitely my worst rehab experience. I literally have no idea why those girls hated me in the first place. I've never experienced that before, but I didn't let it make me feel bad. Like we're all in a bad place in a bad situation, why make it worse than it has to be? But I was doing so well in groups and classes, my counselor said I could leave a week and a day early. I actually wish I stayed because of how I feel physically. Alcohol withdrawal is no fucking joke. I was seeing nurses and dogs (of course I would hallucinate animals lol) in my room and hearing music, it hurts to cough, it hurts to walk and I keep doing this thing where if someone asks a question on tv, I answer it. My biggest fear is wet brain, I've only seen 2 people with it and it's just terrifying. Every time I do this, it damages my brain more and I raise my risk of like the shittiest of cancers. Greg's finally had enough of me, he has Jada and the house belongs to him, so I'm back home with my parents. He says he'll let me see Jada sometimes. I still have to go get my stuff. I'm actually probably not even allowed to get it myself. Monday I'm going to send a package to all the girls still there and I'm very excited for them to get out and I hope the very best for them. It makes me so sad to think about the reality of it. Some of those beautiful women will die and leave behind their young children, some will be in and out of jails and institutions for years to come, but some will get better. After all those angry girls left, I got to have a roommate that was a girl named Ramona. She's been to 12 rehabs and her poor husband has stuck by her through all of it. She came in so drunk and she told me he told her he'll love her even if she never got better. Then we were both crying. All she wanted to do was color and talk about her husband, she was so sweet. Basically, most state run rehabs are getting worse and heroin isn't even heroin anymore. Girls should be nice to other girls. It took me two rehabs to kick heroin, I guess it took two rehabs to kick alcohol. I'm looking forward to making sober lady friends. I did meet a few men that I feel okay about. One I offered a job and one has been coming to meetings with me and Steph (the girl that was mean to me). Addiction is such an ugly disease and I've met so many beautiful people in the years I've been dealing with it. And who takes the brunt of it? Our loved ones. Recommend them to al-anon.org, alateen.org, the alanon subreddits or local church recovery groups. My addiction has ruined so much and I'm so toxic, my parents and Greg have all reached out for help and hopefully they're able to work through everything I've put them through. If I had the money, I'd build a rehab for the loved ones of addicts and alcoholics. Really, it would just be like a resort with counseling. No matter what, just keep trying. Even if you've been to 100 rehabs or detoxes! Look at everything you have, no matter how big or small it is and be thankful for it. It always can get worse and it can always get better. There are so many resources available and there are so many people that want to help. You have to take the suggestions given to you and you have to do some really uncomfortable things. I've never really been sober and single and I know I can't stay with my parents forever, so I really have to work harder and fix my credit. I also have to start taking care of myself, on the inside and out. I'm seeing a special counselor for addiction and childhood trauma. People tell me how I'm so pretty and nice or funny and I always think to myself, it's because they don't know the real you. I feel uncomfortable even repeating that people say that to me, like maybe someone would think I'm making that up. That's what I want to change the most. I'm so tired of feeling bad about myself. It literally makes my shoulders feel heavy. I guess it's hard to explain if you don't understand the feeling. Anyway.. I just needed a place to put some of my feelings!