" the look on your face says there's more on your mind . " @ Ben
the sounds of nightmares from here.
A slow exhale releases from Ben though the height of his shoulders do not lower. As he gazes out of across of his window from his London office, Ben offers a small smile that doesn't quite reach all the way to his eyes. For all of her teasing, and for all of her seduction, Carmen had slid into his world in such a way that was unforgettable.
And yet, unlike the many that had filtered in and out of his life like a rotating door, she had stayed. Sometimes simply just out of sight, but never far. It gave a man like Ben Callahan the idea of control -- that control he so prides himself on in every aspect of his life... but it's not really there, is it?
"You coming in and out---... it catches me off guard."
With all of her research, with all of her...check-ins, she had managed to pin him down and put him under a scrutiny that made him uncomfortable. Vulnerable was a persona and a uniform he had not worn since he was eight years old and shaking in the presence of a father who mocked him, mocked his stutter, and was beaten into him that silence and submission kept one safe. To shrink yourself away. That love.... to love was transactional, performative, and the moment your usefulness went away, then so did the love.
"I can't ever --..." He pauses, withholding. It used to work for him. Their little midnight tête-à-têtes, the secrecy, the casual intimacy. But casual intimacy only worked when it was fleeting. It only worked when he was able to control when it started and when it began. That's why all of it before had failed. A self-destruction of his own making. He preferred it that way.
But he reigns it all in, because he knows he's supposed to exude strength. The...masculinity, the steadiness.
"-- Maybe a heads up every now and again, yeah?"
















