#aheartbroken14yo

[aheartbroken15yo]

Faith?

My eyes and glasses tinted pink,

Palms smeared and stained with ink,

My wrist now in each twist aches

Trying to catch a declared fake.

Desperate needs to desperate calls—

Seen by no one but loved by all,

Devotion that has one draw a sword,

Despair disguised as love and word.

No call returned, no painting stays,

Blindly we shall follow your ways,

Never to question, not even dare,

The wisdom that you brought to share

So heed my calls and return my words,

For this painting is to be left undone,

My arms will long have left your faith,

For your kingdom is filled with wraiths.

[aheartbroken15yo]

How terrifying it is to be the admirer,

And to be the bearer of its fate—

Perhaps adoration wasn't enough,

Perhaps we reached out too late.

How terrifying it is to be the admirer—

Why didnt we hold on stronger?

Where did we end up failing,

Where didn't it stay any longer?

How terrifying it is to be the admirer—

To adore it's rise and dawn,

And when it's all said and done,

You remember it as a fawn.

How terrifying it is to be the admirer—

The fear of losing them takes over,

But when you're treated just as a boost of dopamine

How long will you take them as your lucky clover?

How terrifying it is to be the admirer—

When you no longer want to be just that?

When you want to be the lover and the loved,

But your reach just ends up falling flat.

It is terrifying it is to be the admirer,

When you become the bearer of its fate,

Longing the admired one, longing to be the admired one

And to be the one to walk away, once again, with hate.

(2/2)

| a heartbroken teen

[aheartbroken15yo]

If you do love someone else—

If you do never return—

Then I hope you get what you want,

Regardless of how much it may hurt me.

Those were the lines

that echoed through my mind,

When I saw you finally dating

The girl I once liked.

It was a bittersweet parting,

And I only wished you well.

I was happy that you were happy,

And that you kept her well.

But then you reached out to me,

Dragged me in even more,

Calmed all my worries,

Said it mattered no more.

So when I saw the way you still looked at her,

Why did it make my heart ache?

Wasn't this something I always expected,

Didn't I know how to run away?

Am I breaking my principles,

Once again for you?

Being enraged at your happiness,

Even though I promised I never would?

| a heartbroken teen

: : first stanza is a direct translated excerpt from the song "Amaro Porano Jaha Chay" by Rabindranath Tagore.

[aheartbroken15yo]

If you ever ask me how I was doing

I can simply lie and reply that I've been doing well.

But you won't know that, that would be the biggest lie I'll ever tell.

Because you don't know how I cried for days til my pillows drenched.

You don't know how I lost my appetite for days, even though I've never said no to food.

You don't know how I trembled ever so slightly as I stepped into the school, a palace we filled with our memories.

You don't know how I couldn't leave the bed and barely talked to the people around me, the day you turned away without looking back.

Because you will never know that even people I barely talked to asked me what happened to my spark— why I looked like my life had been snatched away from me.

But how can I ever tell you all of this?

So if you ask me how I'd been,

I'll simply lie that I've been fine.

| a heartbroken teen

[aheartbroken15yo]

If you ask me if I've moved on—

I'd ask you to be specific.

If you ask me if I've moved on in a sense that I've accepted you'll never be mine, and that my affection towards you is something that can only go away slowly by reducing interaction? Then yes, I have.

But if you ask me in a sense which makes me not care for you at all, not have your presence nor you absence drive me insane— Then no. I have not.

For I still go to my phone's trash and restore our pictures every few days, because I'm scared that I'll truly lose you.

| a heartbroken teen

[aheartbroken15yo]

The gifts that you left, remains untouched.

I do not have the courage to see or throw it away.

And that makes me want to ask—

What happened to my love letter,

That you carried in the wallet I gave?

Did you throw it away completely?

Or lock it away, never to be seen?

Or do you still continue to use it—

Tho I dont know what that would mean.

Did you change your lockscreen too?

Which was a picture of you, that I drew?

Or was that one was easy to throw away—

Since it didn't hold any use?

Were our gifts a symbol to what it meant to us?

I gave you letters, wallets, and artworks that would last.

While the gifts that you did give me,

Are now just empty wrappers and withered flowers?

| a heartbroken teen

[aheartbroken15yo]

Rage and resentment churns in my heart,

As I remember every sentence you said.

“ I don't hate them for what they did ”

Maybe because they treated you just right.

Maybe because they're the one who were wronged.

“ They couldn't understand why I wouldn't be overcome with emotions during fights ”

Maybe they weren't against your calm.

Maybe they were angry at how you didn't fight for them.

“ I don't hate them, it's hard to hate someone you used to love. ”

No, you're wrong. You're so wrong. If you really loved them, you couldn't go on without hating them.

Without hating them, you wouldn't move on. Look at me, look at what I've become.

Once a maiden fondly in love, I now despise every part of you. I hate you,

I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you.

And yet it is you, for whom my heart yearns.

| a heartbroken teen

[aheartbroken15yo]

Perhaps it meant nothing.

All those laughs and moments we shared,

Perhaps it was another Tuesday for you.

Perhaps it was all just another ruse.

But for me? I had forgotten what being sad was like.

For me, I always had something to look forward to, no matter how hard the time got.

For me— I had forgotten how dull life could be.

I saw the beauty and happiness in every little thing.

For me? It meant everything.

On cold days, I'd look forward to your warmth.

During summer, I would imagine us strolling through fields with the cool evening breeze.

And when it rained— God, when it rained.

You were the gentle breeze accompanied by sunrays and lightning.

Any moment I'd enjoy, you were the one I wished to share it with.

For me— You were everything.

But perhaps, I was nothing to you.

At all.

| a heartbroken teen