content notices: platonic, familial, and undefinedly-close relationships; hair pulling; mild casual body horror; grief; touching; brief referenced transphobia
"Hey," Ausse said. "I just wanted to say goodbye to you before I head out."
"You're leaving?" Daanah said. "Like- For good?"
"This was always going to be a temporary alliance," Ausse said. "We no longer have a common cause."
"Oh."
"Aren't you going home, anyway?" Ausse said.
"For my coming of age," Daanah said. "I… I'd hoped you were coming."
"Well." Ausse leaned against the doorframe. "Do you want me to be there?"
Daanah shrugged listlessly. She really did, but she didn't want to come across as needy, or embarrass herself if Ausse didn't want to come.
"You're from Kulainestainer, right?" Ausse said.
"Yeah." Daanah pulled on one of her locs. "It's later this cycle. The thirty-third of Seshasai."
She had told Miwaanii-Shémelús she expected him to be there. Kéchawaedrii-Orl would probably be there too even though she hadn't asked hir and would honestly, given Miwaanii-Shémelús's recent revelations, rather ze not come. All of her friends and family. Her neighbours. Everyone was going to be there.
Except Fiyavu Ozast.
"Well, you know," said Ausse. "I might happen to be in the area then."
"Okay."
"Can't believe you haven't even been of age this whole time," Ausse said.
Daanah shrugged. "I'm fifteen. My birthday is just a lot earlier. I actually turned fifteen ages ago, but in Kulainestainer we don't have the coming-of-age until almost the end of the year."
"Are there a lot of you this year?"
"About a dozen," Daanah said. "It's never very many. Kulainestainer's not very big."
"You Dalahe tend to have pretty small communities, don't you?" Ausse said. "Not like us." Ausse was Schwany Norve, like most of Sautgurotays.
Daanah nodded.
"Is my Dalac good enough?" Ausse said.
"There are a lot of cognates," said Daanah, who had been mostly speaking Dalac this whole time and had only realized several tensegs into their trip that Kéchawaedrii-Orl and Miwaanii-Shémelús were actually speaking Schwany and not just Dalac with a strong accent and occasional regional slang. She couldn't read Schwany fluently, but apparently she could understand it when spoken pretty well, and it seemed to go the other way too. "You'll be fine. I don't speak much Schwany."
Ausse raised her eyebrows. "Alright, then. I'll see you."
This would be Daanah's first time actually getting her hair cut more than a trim to keep it healthy. Her hair was a different texture than most other Norves, so Saafeera always took her to the Gathiya Na Theenan hair salon in the city. They'd had a consultation the other day about what Daanah wanted.
"It will take a while," Ghiyafee, the hairdresser who always did Daanah's, had said. "You have a lot of hair. I'll be gentle, but the combing will probably hurt your scalp somewhat."
So Daanah had brought the mystery she was reading and a second book in case she finished the first. She wasn't really one for chatting. Saafeera and Ghiyafee always talked while Daanah got her hair done.
"You said you want it short like your mama's?" Ghiyafee said.
Daanah nodded. She had the urge to pull at her hair. Dalahe Norves usually got their long childhood hair cut very short for their comings-of-age. It was symbolic of the transition into a new phase of life.
"How has the picking been lately?" Ghiyafee asked.
Daanah shrugged. "Reyal helps."
"Good, good." Ghiyafee pulled one of Daanah's long locs over her shoulder so she could see it in the mirror and pinched her fingers around it just above the height of her glasses. "I'm going to cut it here to begin with so there will be space to fine-tune the ends once it's all picked out."
Daanah nodded again and reminded herself that this was a good change.
Saafeera smiled at her encouragingly.
"This is my first real haircut," Daanah said quietly. "Like… ever."
"It's her coming-of-age soon," Saafeera said.
"That's certainly exciting," Ghiyafee said.
Daanah swallowed. "Yeah."
"You nervous?"
"…Yeah," she said. "A little."
In the mirror, Ghiyafee nodded. "Well, if I have anything to do with it, your hair will look perfect for it."
Ghiyafee had been right about the tugging hurting her scalp. She gritted her teeth and read as Ghiyafee cut- the change in weight as the locs fell to the ground one by one was disconcerting- and then combed and talked with Saafeera.
She had been right about it taking a while, too. Saafeera left and came back with lunch at one point and they took a break. Daanah nearly finished her book. She did her best not to look up, not wanting to see it until it was done.
She had worried about how expensive all that work would be, but Saafeera had told her that her coming-of-age was one of the most important days of her life and she wasn't going to let Daanah have anything less than what she wanted for it and that it was her aunt Chaariya's gift too.
Ghiyafee was especially careful working in the conditioner afterwards; she knew how sensitive Daanah's scalp always was. "You'll want to be gentle with it for a little while. It's fragile now; don't try to braid anything in. Let it rest."
Daanah made an affirmative noise.
"Alright," Ghiyafee said excitedly. "Take a look."
Daanah cautiously looked up at the mirror. "Oh!"
"Do you like it?"
Daanah touched her short, tight curls, careful not to let herself pull. "I… had forgotten what my hair looks like loose."
"It looks beautiful," Saafeera said.
"I think so," said Daanah. She mostly felt overwhelmed. It was very different and would take a bit of time for her to get used to, but she was sure she would like it a lot once she did.
The evening before Daanah's coming of age, Ailít tapped her on the shoulder and signed "I have something for you."
She pulled Daanah into her and Fiya's section of the starhouse. Fiya lay asleep in the middle of the bed, the baby monitor next to em paired with the vibrating one Ailít wore on a string around her neck.
Daanah looked at the lack of barriers around em anxiously.
"Ey doesn't roll yet, and your mum says it will be a good while before ey does, so I'm not worried about looking away for a couple minutes," Ailít signed. "I wouldn't do anything that wasn't safe."
Daanah nodded.
Ailít turned away for a moment to open her jewellery box while Daanah watched Fiya's tiny chest rise and fall.
Ailít put a handful of metal revaap pins with little beaded flowers on the ends into Daanah's hands. "These belonged to Fiyavu Ozast," she signed. "I want you to have them. I know Rovian wears her revaap more, but they're not really her style, and I thought you would like them for your coming-of-age."
Daanah burst into tears.
All of Kulainestainer was here- and then some.
"This is exciting for you," said Talí, sounding semi-confident.
Daanah nodded. "Yes." She fiddled with one of the pins Ailít had given her and added, "I wish Fiyavu Ozast were here."
Talí held her hand in an attempt at comfort that Daanah appreciated.
She spotted Miwaanii-Shémelús at the edge of the village square, looking very lost, so she pulled Talí in that direction, away from her cluster of friends and family. "I want to introduce you."
"Miwaanii-Shémelús, this is my best friend Talí," said Daanah. "Talí, Miwaanii-Shémelús."
She didn't try to define her relationship with Miwaanii-Shémelús for other people anymore. She could barely define it for herself. He mattered to her, and that was enough.
Talí's eyes landed on Miwaanii-Shémelús's pair of ribbon-wrapped braids and they started speaking to him in Kelétsowif.
Miwaanii-Shémelús's whole body perked up as (to Daanah's limited understanding) he asked if they were Se-Naskan and they responded in the affirmative.
Ausse found her then, nowhere to be seen one moment and beside her the next, shadowed by Ptoled and Ffeira.
"You made it," Daanah said. She hadn't been sure they would.
"We were in the area."
Kéchawaedrii-Orl was here.
Daanah was not able to stop her displeasure showing on her face.
"I would like to officiate your coming-of-age," ze said.
"No," Daanah said.
Kéchawaedrii-Orl raised hir eyebrows.
"I've known Curain my whole life," Daanah said. Ze was Kulainestainer's senior priest- though Kéchawaedrii-Orl might not know hir name; Daanah's estimation of hir respect for other people had plummeted drastically and she no longer assumed ze would. "I want to do it like everyone else. This is how we do it. If you've ever respected me as a person-" She knew ze hadn't- "and if you want me to keep working with you, you won't interfere."
"You sound very defensive," said Kéchawaedrii-Orl.
"I want Curain to do it," said Daanah flatly.
The thirteen of them were lined up based on birthday order, which meant Daanah was fourth.
A very small stage had been erected in the village square, about a foot off the ground- a ramp, then space for the senior priest and one other person to stand comfortably, then a ramp back down, and that was it. Daanah had been on a lot of stages recently, but this was the one she had always anticipated. This was, in some ways, the most important one.
She winced slightly as she accidentally ripped a hair out of her arm. Reyal was with her family, but maybe Daanah should have kept her with her to help her stay calm. She didn't want to freeze.
"Your turn, Daanah," the girl behind her whispered, and Daanah almost panicked at the realization that she had lost touch with the now.
Butterfly wings on her bare arms, butterfly wings uncomfortable under her clothes.
She stepped forward.
"Child of Maidallis Leykin and Saafeera Riwazee," Curain said. "What is your name now?"
Daanah tried to speak and failed. She swallowed and tried again. "Daanah Chaariya Addeyn Leykin Riwazee."
She heard Saafeera cheer, and blushed with equal parts embarrassment and pride.
"What gender do you want to live as, Daanah Chaariya Addeyn Leykin Riwazee?"
Curain hadn't approved of her initially, but ze had become a strong ally with time, never tolerating anyone being disrespectful. Everyone in Kulainestainer was pretty much used to it by now, even the most traditional of them. No one who came to their village to see the Scribe of the South got very far if they didn't treat her right.
"I'm a woman," Daanah said. The butterfly wings split into a different shape, belying her anxiety. She reassured herself that even if some people had probably expected her to just grow out of it, no one here would disrupt the ceremony over it.
Curain informed her of her rights and responsibilities as a Dalahe Norve adult.
"When you are next upon the ground," ze said, "you will be an adult of our community."
Juraji had to cover them with an illusion to get into Moghrlai Gurodstadit.
Halek looked down at the uniform xe'd conjured up. "I'm going to puke."
"You've become the thing you hate most," said the voice.
Can you actually just shut up, Halek thought.
"It's just until we get to your house," said Juraji. "I changed your face, too. Just in case."
Halek examined his empty hand. It very much did not look like it belonged to him. The brown of his skin was way too light, the fingers too long and slender, the nails too unbitten. Morbidly curious, he extended his other arm slightly and found that he appeared to have a right hand, something that had never been the case before and that felt entirely disconnected from him. "Hmph."
"Is it okay?" said Juraji. "I've only been here once, when you brought me to meet your family last year. I'm not very familiar with-"
"It's fine." Halek closed his (real) fist and let his other arm drop. "Hurts to walk without my cane. Even with the brace. We'll have to go slowly so I don't pop my hip and fall."
Rāmian soldiers did not use wheelchairs or walking sticks, and changing their appearances was enough work for Juraji to maintain without having to alter Halek's gait too.
"I need you to look at me and tell me if I've gotten anything wrong," said Juraji. "Nicely."
Halek grimaced and looked up.
Looking back at him was- someone else. Nothing like Juraji at all, apart from the height. A fully-uniformed Rāmian soldier.
Without meaning to, he took a half-step back.
"Convincing?"
"Yeah." A little too convincing, maybe.
"Good."
"Wait," said Halek. He cautiously touched the name patch on xir chest. "That can't be your name. That's just Juraji in Rāmiloq characters. Well- As close as you can get. Jarajē. It's not a Rāmiloq name."
He'd shown xem how to write their names in all the languages he knew once, and xe'd shown him how to write them in all the languages xe knew.
"Oh."
Halek braced himself and looked back down at his own chest. "Everything else is basically perfect, but Halāq is also not a Rāmiloq name."
"Oh." Juraji's shoulders slumped.
"It's okay, we can fix it," said Halek. "It's not a big deal, and you don't speak the language. There's, um- The Younger Empress when we were born was Haishionā. Or maybe she was the Elder Empress by then… I don't remember, she didn't last very long. And- Jaision is a pretty common name with most age groups, I think. The examples in word problems at school were always called stuff like Jaision. They do stuff with prophecies, too, but I'm not Senci and I don't really know how it works, and there are still trends. Rāmiloq names are gender-neutral so we can just grab whatever and it shouldn't be questioned."
Juraji cleared off a patch of dirt on the forest floor with xir foot. "Can you write those for me?"
"Yeah. We'll need family names too so-" Halek took a stick and scratched out two names. "I just got these from books so I hope they don't have connotations that will cause problems."
Rāmiloq had a lot of class stuff baked into it. He wasn't sure how much was connected to family names. They needed to be unremarkable.
Juraji did xir best to copy the names onto the illusory uniforms.
"Good," said Halek, although if one looked too close the characters might look a little wrong. It was good enough for a casual observer, and a very good impression for someone who didn't actually know that alphabet and had to just copy the words as pictures.
The ghost of a smile flitted across Juraji's face.
"I'll have to do the talking," Halek said grimly. Hopefully very little talking, to avoid both his panic and his local accent showing through.
Juraji nodded.
"If we can get into the city without being seen, no one should question us as we move through it," said Halek nervously. "Patrols around the perimeter are groups of six but inside the city a pair shouldn't be noticeable. If we get the timing right we should be fine."
Halek hadn't expected to be so scared coming home. What if they blamed him for what had happened at Ykseis? They should, but he didn't want his family to hate him.
They stood in the back yard of his house. Their front door was being watched, but their back neighbours weren't, as far as Halek and Juraji had been able to tell.
"Drop the illusion before we go in," said Halek. He didn't want to scare anyone.
Juraji flexed xir hands and the illusion disintegrated in a shower of blue sparks.
Halek scratched at the back of his neck and tried to reassure himself that there was nothing really there. Just- his mind playing tricks on him again. No cause for concern.
"Come on," he said, lowering his hand to find his key. He'd had it in his pocket when- when he'd left. The blood hadn't washed out of the coat, but he still had the key. "They'll remember you, except my aunt Saujei because she doesn't remember anyone and maybe Aedrii-Nú because she's little and it's been a year and maybe my grandfather because he's losing his memory. Well, and, you met one of my dads, and the others might not know you-" Rambling again. Delaying.
"Halek." Juraji put a hand on his arm. "I'm not worried. You can just introduce me again. I've been working on my Ðíúharlaesoghk. Maybe I'll be able to talk to them directly this time."
"Okay."
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," Halek said rotely. He wiggled his key in the lock. This door always stuck.
Tepaan-Bríné and Talí were in the kitchen when Halek pushed the door open, cutting vegetables and putting them into a big pot. Aedrii-Nú was sitting on the floor, not helping.
Talí saw them, but just sort of blinked and shook their head and looked back at the tubers. Halek guessed they maybe thought they were hallucinating.
Aedrii-Nú screamed and burst into tears, which stung, but given the context of when she'd last seen him Halek understood, and Tepaan-Bríné was finally roused from his focus.
"I'm home," Halek said awkwardly.
Halek's room was the same. It felt so dissonant, alien, to have everything identical to how he'd left it before the party.
It felt dangerous.
His neck itched.
"Juraji." He took a step back out the door, pushing xem with him. "I think the room's bugged."
"…Are you sure?" Juraji asked gently. "It would be pretty hard to get in past all your family to plant anything."
Halek was jittering all over. "I think I'm bugged."
"Halek."
"They could have," said Halek. "They could have put something under my skin when-"
"I can check," said Juraji. "It's okay. I can use my magic and I check you and I can check your room and I can get rid of anything I find. Okay?"
"Okay." That was good. That would tell him if his instincts were right or if it was really a delusion. "Thank you. For doing that. And for taking me seriously."
Juraji nodded and squeezed past him into his bedroom. "Give me a few minutes and I'll have this sorted out."
Xe spun in a slow circle, examining Halek's room, then after a long moment, xe spread xir arms and an electric blue film settled like dust over everything.
The hairs on Halek's arms stood on end with the static. He chewed his lip in silence.
The blue slowly faded away. "Nothing," said Juraji.
"Okay." Halek tried to believe Juraji. He stepped back in and closed the door. "Can you check me now?"
Juraji sat down on Halek's bed. "Yep. C'mere."
Halek sat next to xem. He couldn't enjoy being back on his own bed until he knew. "You can do my head first. It would have been easy to put something in with- the tattoo."
Juraji raised xir eyebrows. "The tattoo?"
"On my neck," Halek said uncomfortably. "It's, um. My number. From- I didn't put it there myself. Anyway. And I have a little one behind my ear, actually, for stability, I don't know if it really helps but that was the idea. There shouldn't be anything in my head and neck except the ink and my earring."
"Okay."
Halek took off his glasses so they wouldn't interfere.
"Is it okay if I touch you?" Juraji asked. "The contact will make it easier to look precisely."
Halek closed his eyes and nodded.
"Okay. Stop me if you need to." Juraji's hands settled on Halek's face.
He shivered.
"All good?"
"Your hands are cold," Halek answered honestly.
"Bad circulation," said Juraji. "It's genetic. My mother's hands were never warm."
"I'm good. Keep going."
"You might feel a bit of a shock," said Juraji, and Halek's skin flooded with static electricity.
It's okay. It's just Juraji.
"Hmm."
"What is it?" Halek asked anxiously. "Did you find something?"
"None of what you were thinking," said Juraji. "But you have cataracts developing."
"What?" Halek said, thrown off balance.
"You know. In your eyes. You should see someone about that."
Things had been blurrier, lately. He'd thought he just needed new glasses.
That was an extra complication he really didn't need right now. Eyes were delicate. Juraji couldn't fix them, or xe'd have said so.
"Fuck," he said.
"Mhm. I'm going to put my hands in your hair now to get a better look at your scalp, if that's okay, love."
"Okay." Nonetheless, he felt himself get tenser when Juraji's fingers wove into his roots, and stay tense until xir hands moved down to his neck.
"I can probably get rid of this, you know, if you don't like it," xe said as xir fingers traced the ink.
He wanted to say yes. Oh, how he wanted to say yes. But- "You can't," he said. It hurt to say. "Not yet. Until things change… If I'm caught and they see I've gotten rid of it, it will count against me, even if they can't prove anything else…"
"Okay," said Juraji. "Right. That part's done."
Halek opened his eyes and settled his glasses back on. He tugged off his shirt, then, feeling a little nauseous, started unbuttoning his pants. "Do the rest now."
"Hey." Juraji held out a hand. "You don't have to take all your clothes off at once. If it's more comfortable for you to do it in sections-"
"Oh." Halek dropped his hand, embarrassed he hadn't thought of that. Of course he didn't have to strip down completely. Of course Juraji wouldn't require that of him to do a search. "Right. Yeah."
He had a creeping suspicion that Juraji knew, even though Halek didn't remember telling xem, even though he'd never told anyone. Maybe it was just his paranoia, or maybe he'd said something during the gaps in his memory in Meelasugaado, or maybe Juraji had just figured it out on xir own.
"I've got some more tattoos," he said, trying to keep the tremor out of his voice. "Obviously. And then my pump and I have a copper IUD. That's all that should be there."
"Okay. Gonna touch you now. Same thing with the mild shock."
Halek nodded.
Juraji was very gentle. Almost too gentle, fingertips ghosting across Halek's skin.
"I don't want you to have to compromise your principles for me," Halek blurted, partly because it had been weighing on him and partly because he couldn't bear to sit in silence during this.
"What do you mean?" Juraji asked, thumb slowing slightly as it skimmed over one of Halek's forearm tattoos.
"The pacifism stuff. I know it's important to you. I don't want you to have to sacrifice all that work for the rebellion, or to protect me." He didn't want Juraji to be contaminated by his violent nature.
"Yeah?" said Juraji. "I'm not worried about that. I'm really good with my magic. I don't expect to need to actually hurt anyone, and I don't have any qualms about property damage." Xe paused. "And, if it comes down to it, in a self-defence situation, or if you were in danger, I would protect you however I could. I can protect you better than anybody else in the world, and probably even without really hurting anyone, but I would if I really had to."
"Okay."
Xe grinned. "I'm your 'secret weapon', remember?"
"Yeah," said Halek. His voice felt small. "I just- care about you a lot more now than when I asked you to be that."
"I know, love," said Juraji. "I like it, anyway. Makes me feel important."
"You're important anyway," said Halek. He didn't want Juraji to think he only valued xem for what xe could do.
"It's okay," said Juraji. "Really."
"Okay."
Two of xir fingers settled on a pair of little bumps on Halek's side. "This scar is an odd-"
"It'sfromataser," Halek said, all very fast. It wasn't an unknown. They weren't surgical marks he hadn't been aware of that could be an insertion point for a tracker. "Don't want to talk about it."
"Oh," said Juraji. Then, darker, angrier: "Oh. I see. Does the electricity from my magic bother you?"
"It's just pins and needles."
"Okay." Juraji's hands moved further down his back. "Are you sure about the rest of this?"
"I need proof that I'm wrong."
He lay face-down and cried for a bit after that. Juraji hadn't found anything. He was still scared, still half-convinced there had to be something, but xe hadn't found anything.
He'd asked for a minute alone, and Juraji had said xe'd wanted to talk to Tepaan-Bríné (or Úsírae or Réswn or Ínaenow) about xir recent diagnosis of narcissism anyway because it was reassuring to find middle-aged adults with the same diagnosis with their life fairly together, so Halek had the space to finally let everything out. The past… days, tendays, years, had been a lot.
The dying fire alarm wasn't real, which unfortunately meant Halek couldn't cover his ears to escape the beeping. He had to admit that that did make him cry harder because it just would not stop.
There was a knock on the door. Probably Juraji.
"Come in," he called, not lifting his face off the pillow. They needed to sort out the floor bed.
"Hey," Míúren said.
Halek jumped, trying to hide that he'd been crying.
"I just wanted to check on you," she said. "We haven't had a chance to talk in private since you got home."
"Oh." Halek sat up and hoped his eyes weren't too red.
"Do you want to talk? We've been able to talk to your siblings and Aedrii-Nú about what happened at Ykseis and how they're doing with everything going on right now, but not you yet."
He hugged himself. "I don't want to worry you."
"Halek." Míúren sighed. "I'm always worried about you. That's how it is when you're a parent, especially now."
Especially me, Halek thought. He was such a mess. He was trying so hard not to be, and he was still such a mess.
"But you might get sick again if you worry about me too much," he mumbled. Cancer feeds on stress, he'd heard his uncle Jirit say to Juni once when they hadn't known he was listening. With all this stuff with Halek, I'm worried for her health. The voice liked to repeat it back to him whenever he was going through something.
"Oh," Míúren said softly. "Have you been carrying that around for a long time?"
Halek nodded and crumpled back into tears.
"I'm-" He hiccuped- "I'm sorry…"
She moved from her wheelchair to sit next to him on the bed, rubbing his back. "Halek, Halek, it's okay. I'm okay. I won't tell you the cancer won't come back, because no one can promise that, and I won't tell you that I'm not afraid it might, but the chances are low. I've been cancer-free for years, and the surgery removed everything and then some, and the medications keep the chances of a resurgence down to almost nothing, and if it does come back it will not be your fault. I didn't get sick from worrying about you, I got sick from my genetics and sheer bad luck."
"I know," Halek sobbed. "In- In my brain, intellectually, I know. B-But I'm scared… in my feelings it's my fault and I'm going to make it come back if I upset you out too much… I made you sick just by being pregnant with me, I made you sick by stressing you out…"
"Listen." Míúren squeezed his shoulders. "You are not responsible for my health. You never have been, and you never will be. My health is up to me, it's up to my doctors, it's up to my genes and the environment, it's up to the Kether-"
"I don't believe in-"
"Chance, then," said Míúren. "But it's not up to you, okay? I'm responsible for looking after you, not the other way around, because I am your mother and you are a teenager."
"I'm basically an adult," Halek said. "I should be able to look after myself."
"Nevertheless." Míúren gave him a be serious look. "Have you ever met any adult who can actually look after themself entirely on their own? Because I haven't."
"I know," said Halek, suddenly full of an entirely different shame. "Sorry. I know."
"I want to look after you," said Míúren. "I want to help you look after yourself. Adult or not. I love you, and I want to see you succeed, whatever success means for you. I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me when you're having trouble because it might worry me. Of course it will worry me, but I'm okay with that and I can manage the stress it might cause me." She smiled at him. "I've been managing my stress more than twice as long as you've been alive. I promise I can take it."
"Do you really want to know how I'm doing?" Halek asked, looking at his knees. "It's not good."
"I do."
"I watched Yainogh-aer die, and the others, and I thought I was going to die too, and I killed someone." He wiped his nose on his sleeve. "I don't remember all the details, but I remember how scared I was. I thought we all might die."
Míúren nodded. "Talí told me how brave you were. They also thought you might not make it out, but you took that risk so that they would."
"Maybe," Halek said. Maybe he'd been brave. Or maybe more people would have survived if he hadn't fought back, given in to his violence. He would never know. "Things were really bad for a while in Meelasugaado. I would've let myself die if Juraji hadn't been really vigilant about me eating and taking my insulin. It's not an emergency anymore, but things are still… bad. Even though Juraji checked with xir magic I'm still convinced that there's a bug- like, a tracking device, a listening device, a mind-reading device, something- in my room or in me, and every time I close my eyes I see Yainogh-aer lying there in a puddle of blood with a hole in his head, and I'm so scared that's going to happen to everyone else I love too because I can't protect them, and- and the beeping won't fucking stop!" He gasped in a deep breath. "And it's just so lonely to live like this, to have so many different things I can't tell so many different people, because it's not safe or because they won't understand, to not be able to relate to normal teenagers who go to school and don't have to keep it secret or they have normal jobs and who have fun and who don't wake up panicked in the middle of the night and who aren't psychotic or bipolar or traumatized or scared all the time and who don't have to worry about being locked away again and who get to just live…"
"I know," said Míúren. "I'm so sorry you didn't get to have a good adolescence. I wish we could have protected you better."
"I wish I'd protected Yainogh-aer."
"Why should they care?" Halek said. "All we're doing is standing. They don't care that we're displeased."
"No," said Juni. "They don't. It's a twenty-four-hour warning that all the people standing today will be turning them out of the city tomorrow if they don't leave on their own."
"They won't," Halek said.
"No," said Juni. "I don't think so. But on the chance they do withdraw, or even a few individual soldiers desert and run away, we think it's worth it, because although we outnumber them by orders of magnitude and I believe we will win tomorrow, they have a lot more guns and a lot of us are probably going to die in the process."
So many people had died at Ykseis and they'd been no threat at all. "I just-"
"Then don't come, Haleksari." Ze gave him a stern look. "Our work alone has not been enough to drive them away. We have been organizing this for most of the time you've been gone. Twenty-one of the twenty-three units in the city agreed to be present as the closest thing they will have to actual security and emergency medics, and you were not her to vote on it, but by all means, stay home. I will be taking Juraji regardless."
"Obviously I'm coming," Halek said irritably. It was unfair of hir to judge him for fleeing, as if he hadn't- (a desperate urge to hide flooded him). Juni had been on the run for years while Míúren had been growing up. Halek had been gone for what, half a cycle?
"I'm coming too," Talí said.
Halek flinched.
He hated that he couldn't hear people coming up behind him.
"You didn't even tell me this was happening," Talí said accusa, swearingtorily. "I thought you agreed to trust me."
"I wasn't here until yesterday," Halek said. "I didn't know. How would I have told you?"
And, no, he hadn't told them after Juni had told him, because he'd watched Yainogh-aer die, because he had nightmares about watching Talí die, because their deal had explicitly not involved Talí being in the field.
Juni sighed and pinched the bridge of hir nose.
"I would go anyway," Talí said. "Everyone is. I want to be there as one of you."
"It's-" Halek began. Too dangerous.
Juni shushed him. "Talí. Do you understand what that means? If you are dressed like us, there as one of us, people will be relying on you, and you will be more of a target, and your life might become very difficult if they identify you later, and if anyone asks you must deny it."
"Yes," said Talí. "I was there at Ykseis. I was responsible for Roo and Aedrii-Nú." They swallowed visibly. "I watched him die too."
"Okay," said Juni.
Halek must have looked sour, because Juni turned to him and said, "Halek, you were hardly sixteen when I invited you to join us. Talí is able to understand what they are committing to, just as you were."
Talí gaped at him. "It's been that long? You're such a fucking hypocrite!"
"It was different," said Halek. "I wasn't a kid anymore." He hadn't been a kid for a long time by then.
"Nonsense," said Juni. "Yes, you were. You are. You were a kid who needed a way to fight back, and Talí already knows far more than they should."
That was his fault. Talí shouldn't know anything about QD.
"They deserve the same chance you got."
It was hot to be dressed like this, all in black and as covered up as possible.
He didn't complain. Juni was annoyed with him already, and there were more important problems, and he didn't actually need to be wearing a scarf for this to work because he was wearing a mask already and his hair was long enough to cover the tattoo on his neck but he was wearing one anyway so it was kind of his fault.
"Where's the baby?" he asked Ailít.
"With eir grandmother," Ailít signed, probably meaning Maidallis, since Saafeera was here. They wouldn't use names.
"Doing well?"
She nodded. "Ey's still a harsh eater. I've started pumping instead. Ey's cooing and moving eir limbs around more now."
"And you?"
Ailít laughed. It was a good sound to hear. He hadn't heard her laugh in a long time.
"Tired," she signed. "I hardly know what day it is. I'd love to sleep through the night. Eir grandmothers have taken eir overnight a few times, but I'm too anxious then to sleep well."
"Are you doing things for yourself?" Halek signed.
"I've taken up Rāmiq paper-folding," signed Ailít. "There's no room in my brain for reading anymore, but the baby's asleep a lot, so we have a lot of little colourful paper birds now. I thought I might put them up on a string."
Beside him, Talí tapped his elbow. "She's here."
"Okay." He gave Juraji a nod, and xe dropped the cover.
Dozens of clusters of people now converged around the mayor. Little islands became a big crowd behind her, with Halek and the others along the edge and scattered strategically throughout. There were more real press here than Halek had expected, with big cameras and vests proclaiming their affiliations that he hoped they didn't think were certain to protect them.
She set down a small stepladder in front of the garrison's outer wall and climbed up with a megaphone in her hand.
"I WOULD LIKE TO ADDRESS THE GENERAL," she said.
More polite in her language than Halek would be, but that was the kind of language a politician used.
It was only when she said it again in Rāmiloq that he caught up to the fact that she was prioritizing Ðíúharlaesoghk. She was the first Ðíúharlaes mayor of Moghrlai Gurodstadit in Halek's lifetime, but in official public addresses Rāmiloq was always the first language used, because it had to be.
"AS, DESPITE OUR MEETING EARLIER THIS CYCLE, THERE HAS BEEN NO INDICATION OF THE RESTRICTIONS ON THIS CITY'S CITIZENS BEING LIFTED OR OF THE MILITARY PRESENCE BEING LESSENED-"
Juraji gasped.
"Hm?" said Halek.
"Nothing," xe said quickly. "Don't worry about it."
Halek craned his neck to try to get a better view. Unlike Juraji, he wasn't really tall enough to see much below her head from here, with all the people in front of him.
Ailít, a little closer than him since they'd spread out, found his gaze and tapped her chest, then signed "Laser."
"Does she know?" said Talí.
Halek began to respond when the speakers on the outer wall interrupted him.
"RSWAIT-DHÀ BÉNÍMÉÁ," the speakers blared. "PER SECTION THREE OF THE WARTIME POWERS ACT 4073, YOU ARE COMMITTING TREASON. CEASE AND TURN YOURSELF IN AT ONCE OR YOU WILL BE EXECUTED WITHOUT TRIAL. THIS CROWD HAS FIVE MINUTES TO DISPERSE BEFORE THE FULL FORCE OF THE LAW IS BROUGHT AGAINST YOU. CONSIDER THIS YOUR ONLY WARNING."
"She knows," said Juni.
Mayor Rwsait-dhà was undeterred. "YOU HAVE TWENTY-FOUR HOURS TO WITHDRAW FROM THE MUNICIPALITY OF GREATER MOGHRLAI GURODSTADIT. RETREAT WITH GRACE OR SUFFER THE HUMILIATION OF BEING KICKED OUT BY THOUSANDS OF CIVILIANS WHO HATE YOU AND WANT YOU GONE."
Halek laughed nervously at the abrupt drop in professionalism.
"They would," said Halek. He was trying to brace himself. If that happened, he didn't want to lose it. People would need him functional. "They'll do it later anyway, probably."
Juni raised hir eyebrows at Talí's words.
"You called her a corporate sellout last year for giving up on the noise pollution thing," they explained.
"In calmer times, you must critique everything your leaders do, whether you like them overall or not. In times of crisis, you take the allies you've got. Times have changed," said Juni, and no one could argue with that. "Béníméà knows the risk she is taking and that this will be the last act of her mayoralty and very possibly of her life. She has decided, as many before her have and many after her will, that some things are more important than her life. You accepted the risk in coming with us today, Talí; she has done the same, albeit with a more certain outcome."
"Oh," said Talí in a small voice.
Halek squeezed their shoulder.
"She knows how popular she is," said Juni. "If they make an example of her, they make her a martyr, and that will be a mistake, and she knows that."
For a woman who knew she was probably about to die, Mayor Rwsait-dhà looked very sure of herself. Warnings given and recieved, she did not move from her stepladder.
Halek looked at his watch and tried to focus on the tick of the second hand to the exclusion of his mounting panic. The five minutes were nearly up.
There was nothing he would be able to do to stop it. He would never get through the crowd in time, and he had to stay with the inexperienced Talí and Juraji, and if this was the fate Mayor Rwsait-dhà had chosen and accepted for herself then that was how it had to be.
"She's so brave," said Talí.
Halek was tired of everyone having to be so brave.
He wasn't brave. He didn't want to see it happen.
The shot rang out exactly at the five-minute mark.
Halek felt his racing heart skip a beat as he flinched. Having expected it, he just barely managed not to throw himself and Talí to the ground and into other people's feet.
There was screaming. Not his.
It was happening again.
He should have pushed back harder on Talí coming. Why hadn't they listened to him? He'd known this was a bad idea, that the army wouldn't withdraw, that they shouldn't have given warning.
Juni pulled him close with one hand and Talí with the other.
"Wait, wait," Juraji said. "I've got it. I wasn't-" A choked sound- "I wasn't fast enough, I'm always slow, but I've got it now. Halek, can you hear me? Do you see? I've got it."
"Oh," said Juni. "Oh, good work."
"Halek?" Juraji asked again.
Talí tucked themself against Halek's side, forcing their way into his field of vision. "Look up," they said.
He didn't want to. He didn't want to see. He was hardly hanging onto the edge of keeping it together, and if he saw he would go over that edge entirely. There were going to be more people who needed help, and he wouldn't be able to help them, and he would become another person who needed help and it would divert attention from other people who needed it more.
"You can't see her from here," Juni said. "Your partner has created some sort of barrier between us and the garrison. There will be no more casualties. Juraji, how long can you hold that for?"
"As long as you need me to."
Halek glanced up towards xem. Everyone else would believe xem. He was the only one who ever knew xem well enough to tell that xe wasn't sure.
They needed to move.
He said as much.
"Hm," said Juraji. "I think I need to stay here to keep this up. Like- right here. I can't move."
Xir extended hands were rigid, harsh blue tracery on xir dark skin matching the colour of the translucent barrier. It occurred to Halek that this was probably the most magic xe had ever done at one time, and that maybe xe had just about found the limit of xir supposedly unlimited power.
"Okay," said Juni. "Well, as long as that's up, we're safe, so everyone else can escape and we'll be fine until you can drop it."
That was when the gas hit.
Talí started coughing first, and most violently.
Halek's eyes stung as he dropped his cane and caught them.
"Juraji-" he began, then cut himself off as he realized that Juraji would not be able to both maintain the barrier- gas-permeable as it apparently was- and pull the gas out of Talí's lungs.
"I'm sorry," Juraji choked. "I was thinking about-" Xe coughed- "bullets and soldiers. Solid things."
Talí's hacking wracked their whole body.
"I've got you," Halek said. "I've got you, Talí-" cough- "it's going to be okay-" He was trying to convince himself as much as them.
"Your scarf." Juni pulled it off his neck and poured water on it.
"H-Halek-k-kchhhh." Talí gripped his wrist. "Oxygen."
Right. Right. He didn't have Juraji's scope, but his own magic wasn't useless here. He should have thought of that.
Juni wrapped Halek's damp scarf around Talí's face, over their mask, as Halek gathered his magic.
It was hard to focus. Usually he used his own breathing to help find it, channel it, but it felt like he too was suffocating.
Slowly, desperately, he managed to bring a cloud of his own violet magic over Talí's mouth and nose. Crowding out the tear gas with oxygen, pushing it into Talí's lungs.
He was getting really dizzy now. His eyes burned and his throat burned and his lungs burned and pushing more oxygen into Talí's vicinity was probably removing some from his own and he was quite possibly going to die but at least Talí might make it.
How many other people in the crowd had Long PNIV, or asthma, or some other lung problem? It was so common here. Pretty much everyone had been infected at some point in the past two decades of pandemic. The gas was going to kill people too.
Talí was still coughing, but not as incessantly, not as violently.
Halek tried to stand up with them and had to sit back down as he almost passed out.
He hoped someone was helping Juraji so xe could keep the barrier up. He'd lost track of Juni. Maybe they were together. He'd lost track of everyone but Talí.
"Hey." Someone tilted his face up and pulled down his mask.
He tried to tell them to stop, but he was coughing too hard and he couldn't see through the burning and watering of his eyes.
They put the metal rim of a water bottle against his lips. "Drink."
Their voice was muffled, like it was coming through several layers of fabric.
He drank. Lukewarm metallic water had never felt so good.
They pulled it away and pushed his mask back into place before he was ready. "Don't panic. I'm going to rinse your eyes."
This began to feel like a very familiar script.
Halek nodded and pulled off his glasses.
It stung even worse for a moment, but then, as he blinked the droplets out of his eyes and slid his glasses back on, he could just about see again.
"Thank you," he said hoarsely.
"Thank you," they said. "You taught me how to do that."
They tipped Talí's head up, either not noticing or not mentioning the purple of Halek's magic around their mouth. "Stay still, dear, I'm going to help you with your eyes."
Talí nodded.
"I did?" He squinted and tried to come up with a name for the masked person before him. They weren't with QD, or at least they weren't dressed like it.
"At a workshop last year," they said. "Don't worry, I'm just really good with faces. I remember, I thought, if someone as young as you could get involved, could teach others to get involved too, why couldn't I?"
Talí was still coughing.
"I need to take my sibling home," said Halek.
"No, stay," Talí croaked.
He ignored them. "Can you do something for me? There's a library a couple blocks away. They should have a first aid kit behind the desk with some proper respirators."
"It's been closed for a while," said his helper. "Ever since-"
"Break the window on the door," Halek said. "Cover your hand when you reach in- don't make yourself into another patient or leave more evidence than you have to."
They nodded and left.
Now that he could see again and the gas was settling, he was able to locate Juraji and Ailít together.
"I need to take them home!" he shouted.
Ailít gave him a thumbs up.
Juraji nodded, electricity arcing across xir skin, just as bright red blood began to pour out of one of xir nostrils.
Halek hesitated, torn between calling out Juraji's dangerously self-sacrificing attitude and getting Talí somewhere safer. In the end he picked Talí.
Once they were further away, in a place where the air was clear enough for Talí to take off the scarf and mask for a minute, they were able to use their rescue inhaler. The effect was even more immediate and noticeable than Halek's oxygen had been.
As their coughing calmed down, Talí burst into tears.
"You're safe now," Halek said. "It's okay."
"I'm so useless," Talí said angrily. "You were right. I shouldn't have come."
"No," Halek said awkwardly. He wished he could feel vindicated. "You're not useless, Talí. What you've been doing with Jue has been invaluable."
"All I did was make you leave instead of helping Juraji!" they cried.
Halek patted their back stiffly. "It's okay. Let's go home."
me and my lists. okay. you all know about me and my lists by now lol
since it's Face Equality Week (finished this JUST IN TIME YAY), this is A List TM of characters with facial differences in Aros Against Fate (mostly in book 1, Empires Always Fall, because that's what I'm currently working on and have all/most of the necessary supporting characters made for)
Halek (he/him): a main character. Halek has a big scar on his face from falling into a sharp corner as a young child and has cystic acne.
Rovian (she/her): a main character. Rovian has a unilateral complete cleft lip (and a cleft palate) and a purplish birthmark on almost half of her face.
Sei (she/her or o-mē/o-mēn): a main character. Sei has Fragile X Syndrome.
Kaelía* (she/it or o-nai/o-nain): a main character. Kaelía has burn scars on the side of its face and neck/around, below, and on its ear (*subject to change due to her more antiheroic nature) and, visible close-up, dermatillomania scars and wounds (hiiii dermatillomania twins with me lol).
Zhe'ārani (she/her) or Ši Arrokhai Kjú (they/them or o-nai/o-nain): main character. Zhe’ārani has vitiligo and achondroplasia.
Jue (ze/hir or o-hā/o-hān): Main character. Jue has Down Syndrome, a burn scar on hir forehead, and a faint scar from a surgically-closed cleft lip.
Āvolú (they/them): supporting character (Zhe’ārani’s friend). Āvolú has severe burn scars and skin grafts on most of their body, including their face.
Aedrii-Nú (she/her): supporting character (Halek’s little cousin who lives with him). Aedrii-Nú has Treacher-Collins Syndrome and a fairly recent scar from a closed cleft lip, as well as a tracheostomy tube. (If readers ever see her mother Délas on the page directly, which doesn’t happen in this draft and I don’t have a plan for in the next draft but might occur when she comes to pick Aedrii-Nú up at some point, Délas also has Treacher-Collins Syndrome.)
Taidan (he/him): minor supporting character (Halek’s mother’s boyfriend, host of a rebel radio station). Taidan has Crouzon Syndrome.
Maidallis (she/her): supporting character (Rovian’s mother). Maidallis has a cleft lip (and palate).
Rokhesh (he/him): supporting character (Zhe’ārani’s father and Rovian’s biological father). Rokhesh has a burn scar around his mouth and nose and had part of the outside of his nose amputated.
Saafeera* (she/her): supporting character (Rovian’s mother). *Saafeera has burn scars in various places on her body and I’m still deciding exactly the angle of the explosion relative to her; especially if I get rid of Kaelía’s burns Saafeera will have some on the side of her face, and regardless probably in some spots on the back of her neck and head.
Nesyue (she/her or o-nai/o-nain): supporting character (Kaelía’s sister). Nesyue has Treacher-Collins Syndrome. (In the original draft this was meant to be a bonding point between her and Aedrii-Nú as their relationship developed but they no longer spend time living together or probably even meet in this draft. Alas.)
Guodei (she/her or ai-nai/ai-nain): supporting character (Kaelía’s sister). Guodei has a ~three-lined scar on one cheek.
Līs (he/they/she/xe/fae or o-nai/o-nain): supporting character (Kaelía and Zhe’ārani’s close friend). Līs has a scar on his face from an incident with a tree branch.
Miwaanii-Shémelús (all of them; there’s at least three of them in there but they all use the same name and vague pronouns) (he/him but honestly it’s whatever): supporting character (main character Daanah’s… partner…? of some sort). Miwaanii-Shémelús has dermatillomania scars and nystagmus (and likely some degree of strabismus when he takes his glasses off).
Juraji (xe/xem): supporting character (Halek’s queerplatonic partner). Juraji has Bell’s palsy.
Diihse (he/him): supporting character (Halek’s close friend). Diihse has Down Syndrome and hemifacial microsomia with a prosthetic eye.
Ãgbii (she/her): minor supporting character (Halek’s friend/part of the group as Diihse’s twin sister and Juraji’s girlfriend). Ãgbii has Down Syndrome and a scar from a surgically-closed cleft lip.
Niimféo-Elús (she/her): supporting character (Halek’s grandmother who lives with him). Niimféo-Elús has some facial paralysis from a stroke.
Chiishé-Faindh (he/him): supporting character (Halek’s uncle who lives with him, Aedrii-Nú’s father). Chiishé-Faindh has Down Syndrome and a cleft lip.
Misa (he/him): supporting character (Halek’s cousin and friend). Misa has chemical burns on and around his eyes from a workplace accident.
Qatriong (she/her or o-nai/o-nain): supporting character (Zhe’ārani and Kaelía’s close friend). After [spoiler], Qatriong has some facial paralysis.
Ailít (she/her): supporting character (Rovian and Halek’s friend, Rovian’s sister’s partner). Ailít has Waardenburg Syndrome.
Fiya (ey/em): minor supporting character (Rovian’s newborn nibling). Fiya has a large birthmark on eir face in a similar position to Rovian’s (possibly mirrored) and Waardenburg Syndrome.
Suinak (she/her or o-pā/o-pān): supporting character (candidate to be betrothed to Jue or Sei, later part of Sei and Yna’s court). Suinak has vitiligo and acne scars.
Mkera (she/her or o-mē/o-mēn): supporting character (candidate to be betrothed to Jue). Mkera has hyperpigmentation spots, including on her face.
Jiremau (she/her or o-mē/o-mēn): supporting character (candidate to be betrothed to Jue or Sei, later part of Sei and Yna’s court). Jiremau has occulocutaneos albinism.
Ynesalinau/Yna (she/her or o-mē/o-mēn): supporting character (candidate to be betrothed to Jue or Sei, later Sei’s wife). Yna has a prominent underbite.
Méríw (he/they/she): supporting character (Rovian’s friend and coworker). Méríw has facial tumours, alopecia areata, and vitiligo.
Fiitsãn (he/him or ū-rū/ū-rūn): supporting character (Jue’s best friend). Fiitsãn has a scar roughly the size of a quarter (though not an even, round shape) on the side of his forehead from hitting his head hard on a window in a bus crash.
Trais (ze/hir or she/her): minor supporting character (Daanah’s colleague). Trais has alopecia areata.
Ngionah (she/her or ē-ziu/ē-ziun): supporting character (Jue’s guard). Ngionah has alopecia universalis.
Linoxa (she/her or iao-rū/iao-rūn): possible minor supporting character (Fiitsãn’s sister). Linoxa has a severe overbite and ptosis, and possibly other facial differences.
Qaidiao (he/him or ē-mē/ē-mēn): supporting character (Sei’s father, Jue’s uncle). Qaidiao has Fragile X Syndrome.
Jaision (she/her or o-mē/o-mēn): supporting character (Sei’s sister). Jaision has Fragile X Syndrome.
Jēn-Tajanē (she/they/he or iao-mē/iao-mēn): supporting character (Sei’s sibling). Jēn-Tajanē has Fragile X Syndrome.
[The Gharan doctor] (she/her): minor supporting character (Zhe’ārani’s doctor). She has a “Glasgow/Chelsea Smile” (which is a kind of scar around the mouth that kind of looks like a very wide grin).
[The waiter in the restaurant in Moghrlai Gurodstadit] (unknown): one-off character. Has Down Syndrome (remarked upon internally by Jue because ze has never seen someone else with Down Syndrome in real life before (which is bad! Raiqiongshē et al are shitty ableist parental figures! Which is a Big Thing in-text)).
Not 100% satisfied with Halek and Maaziariitna's conversation but that's okay. The things that go on tumblr can be unpolished.
Empires Always Fall: Chapter Three: Halek: Rebels' Craft Night
content notices: mention of pregnancy, mention of romance, familial relationship (cousins) depicted
Halek had to admit it was a good turnout for a word-of-mouth event. Hopefully no one was actually here for the crafts tutorial the space was booked under. And hopefully no one here was a cop.
He had to trust that everything was going to be fine. Technically, not much on the itinerary was illegal, and technically, some of them were craft-related. This was going to be simple and approachable for regular people. It would be fine.
He tapped the mic. "Hi," he said, Ailít signing next to him.
It would be fine. They would all use the script they'd written and then answer questions. Easy, achievable, planned things.
"I hope everyone is having a good evening. Um, just let me know if you can't hear me through the mask and I'll try to speak louder." The mask served the dual purpose of obscuring his identity and protecting his sibling from any respiratory viruses. Talí had been sick years ago and their lungs had never really recovered. "Tonight we're going to talk about how all of you, ordinary people, can support each other outside of relying on the empire, and how you can help us create something better than and after the empire, if you're interested."
There was a general murmur that Halek hoped was assent and not 'look at this crazy weirdo revolutionary, hahaha'. He was, depending on your perspective, all of those things, but he didn't think he could keep talking if he got all in his head about being laughed at.
"So, first we're going to talk about setting up networks to support each other and keep society from completely collapsing when- not if, when- the empire does-" Project confidence. Good. Keep doing that. Try to believe yourself "-and then we're going to teach each other some skills that might be helpful, and anyone can contribute to that, and then we'll take questions. Thanks!"
He had done the introduction. Everything had gone as planned and he'd done the introduction so now it was his grandkether Juni's turn to talk and he could relax a bit. Ze had a lot more experience with mutual aid and networks and public speaking.
Juni talked about food, and medicine (which Halek was very much concerned with- someone was going to need to keep up production and distrubition of insulin, or he would die, and of feeding tube food, or his grandmother would die, or- stop thinking about how everyone might die), and community care, and a bunch of other things that Halek might have tuned out a bit in favour of trying to massage the ache out of his leg.
Ailít tapped him on the shoulder when she traded off with another interpreter. "You good?" she signed.
He nodded. "Just not a fan of public speaking. But I wanted to be involved, so." He shrugged. "It went okay. Anxiety zero, me one."
"That person is staring at you." Ailít nodded towards an audience member with long blond braids… and blue skin showing above her scarf, if Halek squinted.
"My cousin," said Halek, turning back to face Ailít.
"Which one?"
Halek did have a lot of cousins, many of whom would be likely to show up at something like this. Only one of them was half-Amphibious, though.
"Maaziariitna," said Halek. "Do you think she's recognized me?"
"Oh, definitely," said Ailít.
"Shit."
"Indeed. Can she keep a secret?"
Halek sighed. "Probably. I'll have a bit of explaining to do. I'm not sure how much." It was tiring, keeping track of what he'd told whom.
"Well, good luck with that." Ailít clapped him on the shoulder. "I've gotta run. The baby is making emself known upon my bladder. See you."
"See you."
As Halek had expected, Maaziariitna approached him at the break.
Halek nodded towards the door and flashed her five fingers, trying to seem casual. He and Maaziariitna shouldn't obviously know each other here. He didn't want to get her connected to this by more than just attending a meeting.
She nodded and left.
He took a few minutes to retrieve his cane and rain jacket from the back room- he put away his cane to avoid it being another potential point of identification, but by now his leg hurt way too much to go without it- and followed her.
"I thought I might see you here, but I didn't expect you to be a presenter," said Maaziariitna.
"Yeah, well." Halek waved his arm vaguely and hoped she would interpret something from that. "I wanted to get involved?"
"Like this is a new thing." She studied him with her bi-coloured eyes. "Yeah. We're going with that. Okay. Honestly, the public speaking thing surprised me more than the revolutionary thing. I know you're all anarchist or whatever-"
"…Communist, mostly," said Halek. He had nothing against anarchists, but he didn't really consider himself to be one. Anti-authoritarian, definitely, but anarchist, not so much. Any large enough group was going to need an organizing body of some sort- a government.
"Okay. Well, that's not a surprise. I don't remember you as much of a people person."
"I can be a people person," Halek said defensively.
"Good for you for speaking, anyway," said Maaziariitna.
"Listen, Maaz, this has to stay a secret, alright?" Halek tapped his cane anxiously. "You didn't see me here. You weren't here, and neither was I, and we didn't see each other."
"Of course," said Maaziariitna. "Even if I accidentally said anything, everyone knows I'm a liar. They wouldn't take me seriously."
"Alright," said Halek. "Be careful, okay? I don't want you to get in any trouble about this."
"Yeah," said Maaziariitna. "You too, though. You be careful too."
Halek made a noncommittal noise.
"You know the princess is in town?" said Maaziariitna. "I went on a date with her today."
"Sure," said Halek mildly.
Maaziariitna poked him. "See? I have no credibility. But I did, for real- don't be mad. She's doing a tour to 'reassure the people' or something, with the war, plus the Younger Emperor hasn't been seen for days which is rather suspicious. I helped my boss check up her airship and she invited me to her hotel for lunch."
"Hm," said Halek, trying not to be mad.
"I didn't want to say no to her, and that was possibly the fanciest lunch I've ever eaten," said Maaziariitna. "My boss gave me time off for it because she asked. No one wants to say no to her, it's not just me. Politics aside, it was fun. She's sweet."
"I'm glad you had fun," said Halek, sighing. Maaziariitna could- and would- do what she wanted with her life. Even if that meant messing around with royals.
"She wants to keep it up," said Maaziariitna quietly.
"Don't do anything you're not comfortable with," said Halek. "Say no to her. If she's sweet like everyone says, it will be fine, and if it's not I'll protect you." Somehow.
Maaziariitna looked away. "I… was thinking I might keep it up too."
"Oh," said Halek shortly.
"I thought maybe I could learn some information from her, or maybe make her see that the war is bad, or- I don't know. It's just a bit of fun," Maaziariitna said all in a rush. "I don't think she's a bad person. I think she maybe doesn't understand, you know, the complexities of everything, or things outside her world, or- I don't know. Maybe I'll expose her to something new."
"Be careful with that," said Halek. "Even if you're right, which is a big if, you could still get yourself in a lot of trouble if her parents or the Elder Emperor or her guards or anyone think you might be a danger to her or trying to manipulate her or denying her something she wants or any number of things. She has a lot more power than you if thing go sour."
"I know."
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Fiyavu Ozast (she/her) and Ailít (she/her) are platonic partners and they’re very excited to be having a baby! Fiyavu Ozast is transfem.
[ID: Fiyavu Ozast with her arms wrapped around Ailít from the back. Ailít is pregnant and they are smiling at each other. Fiyavu Ozast is a young woman with very dark brown skin, a silver Afro, brown eyes angled towards Ailít, and a huge toothy grin. Her arms are over Ailít’s shoulders, and Ailít is holding her hands. Ailít is a young woman with light brown skin, brown eyes angled towards Fiyavu Ozast, and wavy green hair pulled over her shoulder. /end ID]
Empires Always Fall Chapter Sixty-four: Halek: All Together
not to pleased with this just structurally, Halek kind of abandons the Actual Real Plot for a bit to deal with something else that's only kind of related, but. eh. it is what it is and I already know I'm going to shift things around a bit in this part next draft
content notices: friendship, queerplatonic relationship, illness, murder, explosives, fire, guns, secrets, war, state violence, prison, mentioned physical abuse, implied sexual abuse, mentioned/implied emotional abuse, death penalty mention, swearing, jealousy, touch, family, suicide mention
The city erupted after the mayor's murder. Talí and Juni had been right: everyone had loved her.
Halek stayed in, pacing nervously, until Juni and Ailít brought Juraji back. Xe was half-conscious and somewhat feverish, with blisters following the lines the magic had flowed through, but xe was alive and safe.
"You did well," Halek said, setting xir head on his pillow.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. Really well. You protected a lot of people."
"Yeah? Told you I'd protect you…"
"You did." Halek nodded. "You protected me. Good job."
"'M not… feeling very well," Juraji mumbled. "My hands hurt."
"I know." Halek smoothed his thumb over Juraji's forehead. "It will pass. I'm going to give you something that should help, and then I want you to get some rest, okay? I have to go take care of something, but my family will look after you until I'm back, and it should only be for a few hours."
"You're leaving?"
Juraji sounded so hurt that Halek almost changed his mind.
"I'll be back before you know it," he promised. "I'm sorry. I have to. I'll try to get you some ice pops on the way back to help with the fever."
The streets were filled with people. He wasn't surprised to see Rovian among them, but he didn't expect to find her waiting right outside his house.
She flung her arms around him before he had a chance to process her presence.
He tensed up automatically, but slowly relaxed as his body recognized hers.
"I didn't want you to die thinking I didn't love you anymore," she said, awkwardly Touch-Talking against his back without loosening her grip.
Halek felt himself start to cry with almost no warning. He'd missed her so much.
Rovian started to cry too as he hugged her back.
They clung to each other like that for a long while. The car that had been watching his house was gone, probably called to some more urgent incident in this city-wide revolution; he had no need to hide.
"I'm scared I'll lose you and I won't be able to cope with another loss," Rovian Touch-Talked. Because of the way they were standing, all the touches were backwards, but Halek understood. "But after Ykseis- it didn't scare me any less because I stopped talking to you. It just made everything worse, that you could have died- or I could die- and you would have died thinking I didn't want to be friends anymore, you could lose me not knowing how much you still mean to me- I can't let that happen."
"I wish I could promise we would never lose each other," Halek Touch-Talked. "I'm sorry I can't promise to stay out of danger."
"There's no such thing as 'out of danger'," Rovian Touch-Talked. "I know that now. You could do everything right and they'll still kill you."
"I was going to make a speech to give all this some direction, but it seems like that's pretty well taken care of," Halek Touch-Talked. He couldn't make out the exact words of the chants with all the background noise, but the crowd was noticeably moving in the direction of the garrison. "Want to come with me?"
"Yeah." Rovian let her embrace drop and linked their free arms.
People were packed very tightly in the streets around the garrison. Someone had put a ladder right up against the wall and the gates had been broken down. Smoke poured from somewhere inside the compound.
Halek, for once, felt like they might win.
Misa and Ailít appeared by them. "Hey!" Misa called. "Halek! Do you smell the smoke?" He was grinning, though not in what Halek would necessarily call a happy way. "I did that! I did that."
"Looks like things are going pretty well, eh?" Ailít signed. She had a military-issue gun slung across her back.
Rovian squinted. "Where did you get that?" she signed.
The way she was focusing her eyes reminded Halek that he had to talk to her about the cataracts. He didn't know how expensive the surgery would be or how long the waiting list for it was. If he was going blind, Rovian knew what that was like.
"Took it off a soldier," Ailít signed. When Rovian's gaze moved off of her for a minute, she added to Halek, "Already dead when I got there. Nothing I could do even if I wanted to."
"Is that your cousin?" Rovian asked against his back. "I didn't know he knew Ailít."
Halek did a quick calculation. "He's involved in it too." The necessity of lying to her seemed minimal, now, and with the way Misa was boasting about setting off bombs, he wasn't exactly hiding it anymore either.
"Oh." Rovian frowned. "How many people I know have been…?" Her hands trailed off like she didn't know how to continue.
"I have no idea," Halek replied honestly. It felt good to tell her the truth for once. Well- almost the truth. He wondered if Saafeera had told her about her own involvement, or if she ever would. It wasn't really Halek's secret to tell, or his relationship to interfere in when Rovian wasn't in any danger, but he hoped Saafeera said something once it was safe to do so.
Ailít tapped his arm to get his attention back. "Halek. I heard there's been a breakout at the juvenile prison. Maybe the adult one too, the person I talked to wasn't sure, but they're both pretty much full of stikers and other rebels at this point so I'm not surprised. Thought you'd want to know."
"Oh," said Halek. He saw Ektanai in his mind. "Yeah, okay. Um- Are you all okay here without me?"
"I'll come with you," Rovian signed.
Ailít nodded. "Go."
They took his family's little fishing boat. The prisons were on the other side and further downriver than Kulainestainer.
Rovian picked at one of the weathered foam corners as Halek steered. His parents had child-proofed all the sharp edges very diligently after Halek had tripped and split his face open on a previously-missed one. Everyone thought he should be nervous about being on the boat because of that, but it was mostly just… fine. It wasn't his favourite place in the world, but he'd gotten his boating license at twelve like almost everyone else, and he was comfortable taking it on these rivers.
He felt a lot safer on the boat than where they were taking it, that was for sure.
The water was as smooth as he'd ever seen it. He chose to take that as a good omen.
"Are you going to be okay being there?" Rovian asked.
"I'll be fine," he lied. "Are you going to be okay? It's not a nice place."
Rovian looked at him incredulously. "Halek."
He shrugged and avoided her eyes.
"I wasn't the one held there. Don't worry about me."
He shrugged again, keeping his hand wrapped around the wheel even though he didn't need to steer right now. It gave him an excuse not to say anything.
"I'm angry," Rovian signed. "You were so… bright, and then it happened, and then when you came home it was like that had just been extinguished. Crushed. I'm angry, but I'm not scared."
Halek pursed his lips and kept pretending to steer.
"You know, you can trust me," Rovian signed. "I know there are things you can't tell me, but… I'm your best friend. I don't like when you lie to me. I want you to be able to tell me the truth. You don't have to tell me about what happened, but I'd like us to be emotionally honest with each other, at least."
Halek swallowed. "I'm scared," he admitted. It felt like pulling off a fingernail. "I always get upset when I go back to visit Ektanai. I don't know if this will be the same, or… Makes me feel bad."
He heard the alarms before he saw it.
"Don't let go of me," he told Rovian before they got off the boat. "I don't want to lose track of each other."
She nodded and took his arm.
The outer wall had been breached by the time they got there, a giant hole right through the bricks, completely bypassing the razor wire on top. Part of the main building was on fire. That sight, maybe, made Halek feel good.
He needed to find Ektanai.
He and Rovian ducked carefully through the hole in the wall. Inside the yard, there were far fewer bodies than Halek had feared, and far fewer people remaining than he'd expected. Most of the revolutionaries were probably gone by now to join the fight in the city.
Ektanai's voice rose above the wailing of the siren. "-teach you to keep your fucking hands to your fucking self-"
"Hey," said Halek as he found them. "Hey, hey! Ektanai! Stop! He's not getting back up, you can stop, it's okay-" He wedged his cane between his legs and carefully caught their wrist once he was close enough. "Hey. It's okay. Stop."
Ektanai dropped the bloodied chunk of concrete. "Halek."
Rovian caught sight of the guard and hid her face in his shoulder.
Ektanai chewed their lip. "Is he… dead?"
Halek patted Rovian's back and awkwardly bent down to check, not sure what he was hoping for. He did not find a pulse. "Yes. Þúsogh míogh tshà," he added belatedly, split-again spirits be at peace, just a thing someone had to say right after something died even if you hated them (or the newly-released-back-to-the-air part of their spirit might come back to haunt people).
"Fuck," said Ektanai, and covered their face. "Fuck. I didn't plan this, Halek, I didn't- He grabbed me and I was just so sick of him grabbing me- Fuck. Are you mad at me?"
"No," Halek said. He cautiously offered them his arm. They hadn't been allowed to touch, before, and he didn't want to overwhelm them. "I think… Murder is bad, generally speaking." His hand around the gun. Aim between the eyes. "But… I expect he had it coming."
Ektanai reached back. "'Expect.'" They laughed bitterly. "Don't you remember?"
"Only in nightmares." Halek manoeuvred all three of them further away from the scene. "There's also the, um. Face issue. Not exactly… what you would call recognizable…"
"Oh." They let Halek put his arm around their bony shoulders. "I haven't even been in a fight in years. I didn't know I could… Gods. This isn't like last time. I knew I was capable of murder, everyone knows that, but not so… messily. Impulsively."
Halek remembered Ektanai's quiet voice, years ago. I think I could have put up with it, if it was just me, but my little brother… He told me he fell, but I knew better. I had to do it. No one else cared. It took almost a year to plan. Does that upset you?
And Halek had thought, if it was Talí, if it was Roo, if no one else cared, and said, no.
It upsets me, Ektanai had confessed. No one believes I'm upset, but I am. I loved them too. I wish someone else had believed me and cared enough to do something earlier.
"They're going to kill me for this," Ektanai said now. "I'm way older now. I'm almost twenty. Forget about getting out, they're gonna push for the death penalty this time. I'm so fucked."
Halek closed his eyes. He was already in hiding himself after Ykseis, possibly facing the same fate if he was found, for killing a cop and injuring several more. "Not if no one finds out."
"But- I mean, can't they tell?" Ektanai said. "With forensics? One of the others, you don't know her, but she was always talking about forensics. Thought they'd get her exonerated during the appeal and never shut up about how they could always tell in the end."
Halek pursed his lips. Talí and Daanah had gone through a period of being very interested in mysteries and spy books, always taking fingerprints off of things around the house with tape and baking powder. Talí had been the first person to take his fingerprints, ages ago for Daanah's database, long before any of this. "From what I know of fingerprinting, that block of concrete's too rough to get anything from. And, it's part of a wall- you can't have been the only person who touched it. Besides- things are happening tonight, Ektanai- this will be the last of their priorities."
"If you say so," Ektanai said.
Rovian lightly thunked her head into him in annoyance.
"This is my best friend Rovian," he said. "You might have met? She visited me and she came with me sometimes when I came to see you. She's Deaf, and we weren't signing, so I have to catch her up on what's going on now."
He felt bad about having left her out, but the start of the situation had necessitated shouting, and he didn't know how well Ektanai signed.
He let go of Ektanai and gave Rovian a brief summary of the conversation, leaving out the more personal details of Ektanai's distress.
"He had it coming, though, targeting them and- others-" and me?- "for years. Death is sad, but, you know, good riddance. Can't hurt anyone else now."
"'And others,'" Rovian repeated. "Did he hurt you, too?"
Halek's body was very tense. "I think so."
"Then, yeah." Rovian mimed spitting in the direction of the body. "Good fucking riddance. I'm glad he's dead."
"I have a couple more questions to ask Ektanai," Halek Touch-Talked. "Is it okay if I do that and then catch you up again in a few minutes?"
"Yeah."
"Okay." He transitioned back to Ðíúharlaesoghk. "Ektanai, do you have somewhere to go? You said a while ago that your brother's foster parents-"
"Yeah," said Ektanai. "No. That was on the off chance that I got released instead of moved to the adult facility. They won't be okay with the whole… breaking out situation. Especially not if they find out about… If I'm not abiding by all the rules, they won't want me around him. I don't want to get them mixed up in this, anyway, he's thriving with them and I don't want to jeopardize that." Then, quietly, again: "Fuck."
"It's okay," Halek said. "You can come home with me. It's okay."
"Will your family be okay with that?"
"I'll talk to them," he said. "Where are the other guards?"
"Some of us- well, not me, I was- you know. Some of us locked them in the records building," said Ektanai. "Piled a bunch of crap in front of the door. It'll take them a while to get out."
Halek had thought there was no one left around now, but when they made their way back to the hole in the wall, they found a small figure in a torn prison uniform curled up and shaking against the bricks.
Halek bent down again. He was going to need a hefty dose of his painkillers after all this.
"Hey," he said gently.
The kid raised their tear-stained face. They couldn't be older than Roo, maybe even younger.
Halek felt sick. The age of full criminal responsibility in Rāmia was twelve, modelled after the Senci age of religious consent, which meant they could put twelve-year-olds in jail. Juraji's words, you should have been in school, floated up in his mind.
"I'm Halek," he said. "What's your name?"
They didn't say anything, just stared at him through dirty glasses.
"Núrím?" Ektanai said. "Hey. Do you remember me? Ektanai? From when you were having that problem with an older kid?"
Núrím nodded slowly.
"This is my friend Halek," said Ektanai. "He used to be here too, a long time ago. This is Rovian. Do you want to come with us?"
"Do you live in the city?" Halek said. "I can take you back with us on my boat." They had plenty of life jackets.
"I'm scared," Núrím said. "I don't want to get in even more trouble…" They sniffed. "All I did was break a few windows and now…"
"Yeah." Halek sighed. "I don't think you'll get in trouble, Núrím. There are much bigger problems for the government to deal with in this city now than a kid who broke some glass, and I know people who can help you."
"Problems like what?" Núrím said.
"There's me, for instance," said Ektanai, in what might have been an attempt at a joke. Halek could never tell with them.
"But you're always so nice," said Núrím.
"I'm here for first degree double homicide," said Ektanai. They were always very blunt, even about things that upset them.
"Oh," said Núrím, in a tone that made Halek worry that they'd just undone any progress in making them feel safe.
"They will be a lot more worried about me than about you if they decide to try to chase us down, and there were something like five hundred people here who are all gone now," Ektanai said, oblivious to having scared Núrím again. "They won't care much about you."
"Will your family be okay with you coming back like this?" Halek asked. "If they won't be, I know some people who can help you find somewhere else to go, too."
"My uncle will," Núrím said.
"Okay," said Halek. "So do you want to come with us?"
Núrím nodded.
"Okay. Come on." Ektanai helped them up. "Let's go."
Rovian, seeing that they were about to leave, picked up a broken piece of brick from the wall and hurled it, with all the strength of a figure skater who frequently had to safely throw and catch her partner, straight at the burning cellblock behind them. She made an obscene gesture at the building before grabbing back on to Halek's arm.
"We're going to help them get home," he told her.
She nodded.
Halek and Rovian stepped through, Halek carefully making sure Rovian didn't fall on the debris she probably wouldn't see, then Núrím, then finally it was Ektanai's turn.
They stood awkwardly on the other side.
"Come on," Halek said.
"I haven't been outside these walls in six years," Ektanai said.
"You can do it." Halek wished he could extend his hand to help them through, but he was in too much pain by now to let go of his cane again until he could sit down.
Ektanai took a visible deep breath and stepped through to freedom.
It was near midnight by the time Halek got home. Every store he'd passed was closed and a lot of the roads were blocked off, so he'd had to abandon the ice pops idea. He'd dropped Núrím off at a dock a little ways upriver from the prison where they'd said they knew someone, then Rovian on the other side of the Bridge in Kulainestainer, so it was just him and Ektanai now.
"This is… nice." Ektanai fidgeted nervously as Halek tied up the boat. "Halek. Am I a bad person?"
"I don't believe in good people and bad people." Halek held down part of the rope with his elbow so he could finish the knot.
"Oh," Ektanai said quietly. "That doesn't really… answer my question."
"I think extreme circumstances sometimes result in extreme reactions," Halek said. He straightened up and gave the rope a tug to make sure it was secure. "I think if you're a bad person then I probably am too." He told them what had happened at Ykseis. Ffwyn had been way too casual about it, but Ektanai might understand.
"That sucks," Ektanai said. "I'm sorry."
"Yeah," said Halek heavily. He put in the code to lock the neighbourhood boatyard and swung the gate shut. "Thanks."
Ektanai followed him up the riverbank (a difficult incline for Halek's leg by this point) to his house. It was the second-closest to the river- Úsírae and Maidallis had wanted to live close together for years, so when Halek's family had had a baby on the way (him) and been looking for a house and one so close to the Bridge it was practically on it had gone up for sale, they'd snapped it up in a heartbeat. (Or, that was how Úsírae told it. Halek assumed there had probably been some financial negotiation and real estate logistics during that supposed 'heartbeat,' and the nearby Bridge Public School and high concentration of Beri immigrants in the neighbourhood had probably also been contributing factors in addition to the proximity to Kulainestainer.)
"We should be quiet," he said as he opened the storm door. "There will probably still be other people up, especially today, but my little cousin Aedrii-Nú at the very least is probably asleep and I don't want to wake her up."
"Okay," said Ektanai.
Halek sat down on the chair just inside the door to take off his shoes. It was a relief to get off his leg.
Ektanai looked at the shoe rack, then at their shitty, ill-fitting rubber-soled slippers, then back at the shoe rack before saying "Oh," and kicking their shoes off too.
They went further into the house. Halek's grandmother Niimféo-Elús was still up, reviewing some paperwork in the main room.
"What's that?" Halek asked
"Just some things for Moghrlai Gurodstadit Neighbourhood Assistance," she said, not looking up. "I expect we will be even more needed in the coming tendays."
"I brought Ektanai back with me," Halek said. "The, um. I think the building's destroyed."
"Oh." Niimféo-Elús did look up, then. "Okay."
"Wait," said Ektanai. "You should know. I killed three people and one of them was earlier this evening."
"Arguably self-defense," Halek said.
Niimféo-Elús sighed. "Okay." She sounded exhausted. "Well, we'll all talk in the morning, but for now just… just go to bed. It's late. We'll deal with… all this tomorrow."
They took the elevator. Halek's bedroom was on the top floor and he couldn't handle the stairs tonight.
Ektanai kept looking around like they weren't sure any of this was real.
"I'll see about borrowing some of Talí's clothes for you," Halek said. "You're about the same height."
"Okay," said Ektanai. "Halek- Can I use your shower? Oh, oh- Can I have a bath? I haven't had a bath since I was twelve years old."
"Yeah," said Halek. "Go ahead. Bathroom's all yours. The door locks from the inside with a little switch on the handle."
How weird, how important it had been for him to get to bathe alone again, with the door locked and everything under his control, after much shorter periods of time.
"It's slippery when you step in," he added. "Careful. I don't want you hitting your head."
They nodded.
Halek left them to it and went to check on Juraji and try to find space on his floor for Ektanai too.
Juraji was awake, still or again Halek didn't know.
"Hey," he said softly, sitting on the bed next to xem. "How are you feeling?" He rested the back of his hand against xir forehead. "You don't feel as feverish anymore to me."
"Mm." Juraji turned xir head sleepily towards Halek. "Headache."
"Have you taken anything since I left?"
"'Bout an hour ago," Juraji said. "It doesn't feel like it's working."
"I couldn't find any ice pops," Halek said. "I'll look again tomorrow, see if there's anyplace open. I'm sorry. We have some regular ice cubes in the freezer downstairs if you want something cold to suck on anyway." He paused, knowing the next thing he said would probably bother Juraji. Xe never got mad at Halek because of it, or if xe did xe never told him, but he knew xe got jealous. "There was a breakout at the Juvenile Detention Centre. I brought my old cellmate Ektanai home with me for now."
"Oh," said Juraji. "You were gone longer than I expected. I guess that's why."
"Yeah," said Halek. "There's a lot going on out there. Do you think I can climb in with you tonight and Ektanai can take the floor bed?" It would be a tight fit, but they could figure something else out in the morning.
"I guess," Juraji mumbled. Halek couldn't tell how xe felt.
"You're the best." Halek kissed xem on the forehead. "I'm just going to go borrow some clothes for Ektanai and then I'll get into bed." And how welcome that would be, even squeezed in as he would be. It had been a very long day.
In the morning, Niimféo-Elús wanted to talk to Ektanai privately.
Halek picked at a thread on his pants. He didn't know what he was going to do if his family didn't agree to let them stay until they could figure something else out. He couldn't just kick his friend out with nowhere to go.
"They mean a lot to you," Juraji said, sitting up with the quilt pulled around xir shoulders.
"They looked out for me," Halek said.
"Not well enough," Juraji muttered.
Halek frowned at xem. "They never left me alone with anyone and they stopped the other kids picking on me for my name and my disabilities. They did everything that was in their power to do to protect me. I would have been completely alone without them."
"Hmph," said Juraji. "Okay."
Halek considered telling xem what he thought the guard they'd killed had done to him, but the words got stuck in his throat and he ended up saying nothing. He wasn't ready to open up that conversation. He didn't know if he ever would be, even with Juraji- maybe especially with Juraji, who up until recently had been totally, wonderfully disconnected from that part of Halek's past, whom he still felt like he needed to somehow keep separate from it all.
"Do you love them more than me?" Juraji asked quietly, not looking at him. "I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't ask."
"Juraji." Halek rested his hand on xir blanket-covered leg. "I don't love people in amounts. I just love people. Loving them doesn't make me love you any less, just like loving Ãgbii doesn't make you love me less. Every relationship is different, special just for what it is, not diminishing the others. I promise nothing could make me love you any less."
"Okay," said Juraji.
Halek hoped xe believed him. It made him sad that Juraji never felt like xe was enough, that Halek could love xem even if xe couldn't be perfect and fulfill every need, that xe didn't actually need to be the objective best partner and best person and best mage to have ever existed to be more than good enough for Halek. He would have some very strong words for Juraji's mother if they ever met.
"Wish your grandmother had been my lawyer," Ektanai told Halek when they came back.
Niimféo-Elús told everyone that in her professional opinion she didn't think Ektanai was at all dangerous to anyone who wasn't an active violent threat to them or their brother, and to Halek's relief, eventually everyone came to a consensus to let them stay for a little longer.
It took a few days to completely shut down imperial military operations in Moghrlai Gurodstadit. There had been a lot of defections to their side and even more desertions. Misa's bomb had taken out most of the base's computer servers, including their security systems. Upon being found, the base commander had been carried bodily out past city limits and dumped in the Ðíúntmoghr. Abandoned by most of her soldiers, the new general had apparently shot herself rather than order a total retreat and her hastily-promoted successor had been stabbed within a day by one of the few soldiers remaining after also refusing to retreat. The third had immediately pulled out every remaining soldier.
If Halek looked through the binoculars, he could see a small camp on the horizon. The highway was blocked, and there would almost certainly be reinforcements arriving soon, but it was his job and that of the other volunteer lookouts- some of whom had until very recently been Rāmian soldiers themselves, but Halek wasn't going to complain about more allies right now even if they had been enemies- to sound the alarm if they made any moves.
Juraji was starting to feel better. Halek wanted xem to stay in for a few more days to rest and recover, but after that xe wanted to join him. I have better eyesight, anyway, xe'd said, which wasn't about the cataracts but wasn't not about the cataracts either. Halek hadn't told anyone else about them yet. That could be yet another problem for later.
The municipal government was a mess, but that was one thing, at least, that Halek wasn't responsible for figuring out. Every news source said something different. This morning they'd appointed someone as interim mayor, a city councillor from a ward that wasn't Halek's so he didn't really know them. It was very early still, so he just had to trust that people more qualified than him would work things out.
Rovian lowered herself next to him on the rooftop. "I talked to Zhe'ārani," she signed against his back.
He nodded, more vigorously than he usually would so she could feel his muscles shift and might catch the motion in her line of sight.
"She said the commune was attacked around the same time things got heated here," Rovian Touch-Talked. "Everyone's okay. Apparently her… friends helped them out."
There was no hard evidence that Zhe'ārani's friend had ratted Fiyavu Ozast out for dodging the draft, but the timing was very suspicious, and Halek expected Rovian would always blame Zhe'ārani's friend for Fiyavu Ozast's death unless some very compelling evidence to the contrary turned up. So did he, really. And then there had been the attempt on Daanah's life.
He was glad the other Initiates had gotten out, because it weakened the Temple and by extension the empire and because he would never want anyone to go through what it seemed like Zhe'ārani had, but… It was complicated. Like with the army defectors, he would always welcome more allies and less enemies, and he understood how the empire and the Temple used (sometimes very violent) force and coercion to make people enact their will. He really did believe they deserved to be safe, they deserved support and to heal and to be allowed to grow and change. He didn't blame them that much individually for most of it. It didn't mean he had to like them. Maybe one day that would change- he called Zhe'ārani a friend now, after all, and trusted her- but not right now.
"I'm glad everyone's okay," he Touch-Talked, realizing he'd been ruminating instead of responding.
Rovian sighed and leaned against him for a while. The past several days since they'd made up, he'd been noticing just how tired and worn she seemed.
They were all tired and worn, and they would be more so before this was over, but for the first time, he felt like maybe they really could win.
There were a lot of things going through Halek's head when Ailít and his cousin Misa parked in his driveway and opened the van to reveal the Younger Emperor of Rāmia.
The first thing that came out was a shriek of "That's what you needed the van for?" as he slammed the door shut. He trusted Ailít as a safe driver, but apparently should not have trusted her not to do anything else reckless with the van.
This was his family's van. This could very easily drag every person in his household into this.
"Yeah, they were just in Twice-Upriver, they-"
Halek felt a panicked laugh bubbling up in his chest, which meant he was on the verge of really freaking out. "What the fuck are we supposed to do now?" This was bad. Everything was not fine. They were in no way prepared for this.
"Overthrow the empire!" said Misa.
"We've just put a huge target on our backs!" Halek pulled in a deep breath. He was a normal and chill person who reacted to things in a calm and logical manner and did not have nervous breakdowns in public. "Misa, kogh. Go and get Isohi. We need to sort this out fast, because my dad needs the van in half an hour to pick Aunt Saujei up from the daycare."
Their grandkether would know how to deal with this. Maybe. Hopefully. Better than Halek did, anyway.
Misa went inside, not meeting Halek's eyes.
"We messed up," Ailít signed. "It was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, but you're right, we don't have any sort of plan for this."
Halek sank down onto the porch. "Even if we let them go now, they've seen the three of us."
"He wanted to impress you," signed Ailít. "I thought this might be the break we needed."
Halek sighed. "This is why we discuss things as a group first."
Juni took charge when ze arrived, to Halek's great relief.
"Show me," ze said.
Misa trudged over and opened the door. Halek felt bad for having upset him, but he didn't feel his reaction had been unjustified.
The kid who wasn't the Younger Emperor- which was another thing, even if having the Younger Emperor could be used to their advantage, they now had this random other kid too, who by the way he was dressed probably wasn't even noble- said something in either Taqatik or Keflin. It was definitely one of those far-southern languages from the arctic islands. Maaziariitna with her Keflin stepfamily would know which it was, but Halek didn't.
Juni hummed, which made Halek wonder if ze'd understood whatever had been said, then said in Rāmiloq, "Alright, who are you?"
"Fiitsãn," said the kid who was not the Younger Emperor. "I'm a gardener. And ze's my best friend, so you're going to have to go through me."
"Please do not hurt him." It was the first time the Younger Emperor had spoken.
"We're not going to hurt you," said Halek. Hopefully once he'd said that, no one would go back on it- Younger Emperor or not, they were both just kids. The Younger Emperor was Maaziariitna's age, and Fiitsãn couldn't be older than Talí. "What are you even doing in Moghrlai Gurodstadit?"
"I ran away," the Younger Emperor said, and promptly burst into tears. "Please don't give me back!"
Fiitsãn leaned against hir, giving as much of a hug as was possible with zip-tied hands.
They really were just scared kids.
Ailít moved to the front and signed something Halek couldn't really see past her shoulder, but the Younger Emperor only cried harder.
"The root cellar out back," said Juni, speaking Ðíúharlaesoghk once more. "We'll put them there. It will buy us a bit of time, because we aren't really using it this time of year. I'll talk to Saafeera, then the five of us will talk, then I will talk to the liaisons for some of the other cells, and we will figure out what to do."
"Okay," said Halek, somewhat relieved. Dangerous to keep them in the root cellar, continuing to involve his and Juni's household, but at least there was a plan now.
"Misa!" Halek's four-year-old cousin Aedrii-Nú squealed, hugging his knees.
Halek loved Aedrii-Nú, but it was nice for someone else to be barrelled into for a change. She had become very clingy with him since he'd been going away for school, and the bigger she got, the more it hurt his knee.
School. Dammit. He was going to have to stay here until this was all sorted out. It was probably best not to be crossing the Wend-Ki'an border now with the war, anyway, but he would miss his friends.
Aedrii-Nú pulled back and started signing rapidly. She had had her new speech valve for a while now, but she still signed more than she spoke verbally, and maybe she always would.
"Remember, Misa can't see, Rii-rii," Halek said gently, and after a moment Aedrii-Nú's rapid-fire signing turned to slightly-less-rapid verbal speaking.
"I'm going to lie down," said Halek. He had a headache. Besides, he needed to talk to Juraji. "Tell me when it's dinner, okay?"
Misa nodded.
"Something's come up," Halek said in Meelasugaadic. "I'm not going to be able to come back to school for a bit."
"That's probably safer, anyway," said Juraji, Halek's queerplatonic partner and school roommate. "What's happened?"
Halek sighed and dragged his hand down his face, pulling off his glasses as he went. "My cousin kidnapped a royal."
"Oh shit," said Juraji. "And this is… good? Bad?"
"Reckless," said Halek. "Apparently he wanted to impress me? Fuck, Juraji, I'm just so tired, and now I have to keep this secret too and they are literally in my backyard and my family can't find out."
"Yeah. That sounds like a lot to deal with."
It was. It was a lot to deal with.
He was fine.
"I guess we'll be needing you sooner rather than later, with the war and now this," said Halek. "I think things are about to boil over."
Juraji was a very powerful mage, and part of the reason Halek had even gone to the Kwipe-Tsantii School of Magic in the first place. Everything was out in the open between them now, but Halek sometimes worried he was just so good at lying to Juraji that he'd convinced himself too.
"Okay," said Juraji. "Yeah, I figured, when the war was declared. Topple your empire before it's my empire too. The whole point of the Wend-Ki'an Collective is to protect us from Rāmia, but… I don't know. The war will be devastating on both ends, but they'll probably win, and like, no offense, but I really don't want to be Rāmian."
"Well, neither do I, so no offense taken," said Halek.
Juraji laughed. "We'll miss you. Diihse will be bummed you're not coming back when he expects."
"I'll miss you too. We'll still talk all the time?" Halek hadn't meant to sound uncertain about that, but, well. It had been a day.
"Of course." Juraji paused. "Hey, Halek, you'll tell me if you're not doing okay, right? Remember, no more secrets between us."
"Of course," Halek said. Liar.
He wasn't lying. He would tell Juraji if he wasn't doing okay. He was fine.
💧Water: What is the easiest way to calm your character down? What makes them feel at peace?
when Halek gets especially panicked, it helps him to be held tightly from behind by very specific people. (If his best friend Rovian or his qpp Juraji or his father Tepaan-Bríné does it- great! If Ailít or someone else he’s friends with but not intimately close and trusting with tried to do it, it would probably make things worse.) At less intense times, he finds cooking and baking relaxing!
