Some time ago, I posted my AkiUgetsu timeline thread on Twitter and was asked in the replies if I thought Ugetsu was manipulative. I had seen that discourse around, but I have never really pondered about it. So, I thought I’d take this opportunity to see if I thought he was manipulative.
Before I get more into this, though, a couple of disclaimers.
Firstly, this is merely an answer to a question. I am not responding to any piece of anti/pro-Ugetsu discourse out there. Also, this is just my personal take on things. I am not posing this as one and only correct interpretation. If someone agrees with me, great. If someone disagrees, that’s also fine. I’m not trying to tell anyone how to feel about Ugetsu’s character or the AkiUgetsu relationship.
Secondly, it’s no secret that I’m an Ugetsu and Akihiko stan and AkiUgetsu is my Given OTP. That disposition is good to keep in mind by whoever is reading this. However, I try to put my own biases aside when writing these kinds of analyses. Just because I love Ugetsu’s character doesn’t mean I’m only going to write things that my fellow-Ugetsu-fans like to hear. But I am interpreting things as someone who claims to understand his side of things, and I understand if that might seem like I’m already being too biased to someone.
End of disclaimers!
“Do you think Ugetsu was being "manipulative"? Many people call him that and it hurts me a little”
I found this a surprisingly challenging question when I wasn’t given any concrete examples of Ugetsu supposedly being manipulative. It was difficult to grasp that perspective by myself when I was going through the manga.
Usually, I don’t have big trouble putting my own bias aside for these things, but now I felt like I was questioning/second-guessing myself at every turn. Because I feel like you can see Ugetsu as manipulative if you simply take that point of view/stance. The answer is in the question.
But trying to make myself do that felt like I was going against my interpretation of what kind of story Ugetsu and AkiUgetsu are telling regardless of my bias. I really don’t think Kizu wrote Ugetsu as some kind of toxic/manipulative villain, so trying to take that stance felt untrue from the get-go. But on the other hand, if I was really this unable to see things from the manipulation perspective, was I just letting my bias cloud my thinking? Can you see my struggle?
In the end, I decided to go with what “manipulation” I myself can see. So, I’m sure many people will disagree with me on this reading.
Some time ago, I wrote another piece about AkiUgetsu when I was asked why do I think they stayed together for so long even though they were both suffering. In that, I explained how I tend to visualize AkiUgetsu in two ways: a circle/cycle, and two layers on top of each other. I think the layers might help me in explaining how I see the “manipulative Ugetsu” interpretation.
One of the reasons why I think AkiUgetsu got so bad was the ambiguity of their relationship. There were two layers to what they were. Officially and on the surface, they were platonic roommates. Both of them were single on paper and free to date other people if they so desired. In this regard, Ugetsu was in his full right to sleep with other people without that making him a “slut” or a “cheater”.
But under that “official”, platonic, and visible layer, there was another hidden layer that was what still bound them together. Under the surface, they were still emotionally and occasionally even physically involved with each other. They still had feelings for each other, and living together only kept those feelings lingering and tying them to each other despite how painful it was.
These two layers created a “yes, but…” situation in many ways in AkiUgetsu as roommates. The ambiguity gave room for very mixed messages from Ugetsu’s part which is where I think the “manipulation” interpretation can be found if somewhere. It’s quite easy to take a look at Ugetsu dating other people while also allowing Akihiko to stay with him as Ugetsu manipulatively stringing Akihiko along. He could have his cake and eat it, too.
And I’m sure that’s at least partly how it came across to Akihiko, too (vol. 4 ch. 20):
Ugetsu appearing to be hot and then cold was a painful game of hem and haw for Akihiko. He was confused and frustrated by Ugetsu not making a decision and sticking to it, especially since he knew Akihiko still loved him. It felt like Ugetsu was indulging him out of pity. Akihiko had never wanted to break up in the first place, so if Ugetsu was going to throw him a bone or give him some kind of leeway, Akihiko was unable to let that pass and stop holding on to Ugetsu. And I have a feeling that Ugetsu knew Akihiko would stay, too, if he gave him even a slither of hope.
So, yes, I do think that to some extent, Ugetsu was aware of how much his indecisive behavior was hurting Akihiko (vol. 3 ch. 17):
He knew his actions probably came across as cruel to Akihiko. I think he was aware of the fact that he was hurting him when he slept with someone else while not rejecting Akihiko properly. So, I’m not trying to say he was innocent or couldn’t have handled their relationship as roommates better. If he wanted both of them to stop suffering, he should have made up his mind and not allow himself to waver.
All in all, I’m also not surprised if this side of Ugetsu’s behavior can come across as manipulative and selfish to some readers. I could see that.
But I think if you leave your interpretation at that, you are looking at things only on the surface level and ignoring a lot of how Ugetsu feels. Ugetsu’s character is all about seeing behind what he says or how he behaves.
Just as Akihiko felt like he “can’t quit” Ugetsu no matter how much it hurt, the same applied to Ugetsu as well (vol. 4 ch. 17):
When Ugetsu slept with someone else, Akihiko took it as him ceasing the chance to finally get rid of Akihiko and to provoke him. And he kind of got it right, but the tone was actually different from Ugetsu’s point of view. He was trying to take the chance to end their relationship, but because he was unable to do it as such, he purposefully hurt Akihiko to push him away. Ugetsu made himself the bad guy when trying to break up with Akihiko for good because he himself couldn’t take that last step of walking away. He needed Akihiko to do that.
When Ugetsu told Mafuyu about why he had originally broken up with Akihiko but why he was so powerless to let go of him now, Mafuyu heard it as Ugetsu’s “scream”. He saw how much in pain Ugetsu was behind his words.
And that’s the thing. Ugetsu was suffering in the same cycle as Akihiko. His own indecisiveness was bringing himself pain just the same (vol. 5 ch. 27):
On one hand, Ugetsu couldn’t picture Akihiko not coming back and leaving him for good. Whenever he thought “maybe…”, he always arrived at “no…”. He recognized Akihiko might leave one day but couldn’t imagine his life without him. He was just as unable to let go as Akihiko was – probably even more – and yet, he also wanted the suffering to end. Try to grasp the level of the complex inner conflict of that.
And this is what I meant when I said that with Ugetsu, you need to see behind the surface. He wasn’t giving mixed messages (or being “manipulative”, if you want to call it that) out of some kind of malice. When he was seemingly willfully ignoring the second layer of his relationship with Akihiko by openly dating other people, he was trying to push Akihiko away and free them both. He wasn’t toying with him for his own amusement.
But he also lacked the resolve to go through with the last step of breaking up – just like Akihiko before the intervention of him moving out for a while – which came across as him indulging Akihiko’s lingering feelings cruelly out of pity. Under the surface, though, the truth was he also “couldn’t quit” Akihiko and was suffering from the same pain as him.
Ugetsu wasn’t innocent of any wrongdoings. He should have done some things differently. Just as Akihiko was ultimately responsible for not leaving, so was Ugetsu for not sticking to his decision of breaking up and not allowing Akihiko to linger. Personally, I don’t agree with the “Ugetsu did nothing wrong” discourse. They were both “guilty” in their prolonged suffering.
However, that is not to say I don’t sympathize with both of them. I understand why they couldn’t let go of each other despite all the pain. So, I honestly can’t vilify either of them. The way they were struggling and yet unable to stop was very human to me. “Should have” often isn’t nearly as easy as “could have”.
I think you can interpret Ugetsu as manipulative if you want to. You can interpret any character in a bad light if you want to. But in doing so, I think you’re only seeing the “what” and ignoring the “why”. You’re missing the complex, between-the-lines flip side of the coin that I think is at the very core of Given – especially regarding Ugetsu’s character and the AkiUgetsu relationship.
When the front door swung open and Ugetsu found himself face to face with a short-haired blonde not-Mafuyu, two thoughts immediately entered his head. First, despite Mafuyu’s directions and the note on the door, he must have accidentally come to the wrong place.
The second thought – swiftly following its forerunner – was a cold shower of recognition that froze him in place and dropped the bottom of his stomach.
“Oh”, a soft sound escaped him before he could trap it inside.
It seemed the blonde man had arrived at the same discovery as him. Gaping at him slightly and his amber eye wide as saucers, he stood in the doorway.
Ugetsu wanted to flee. As soon as possible, by any means necessary. An earthquake. A meteor. A secret trapdoor under his feet.
No, he thought, I can’t look back. If I look back, I’m lost.
“Uhh…,” the blonde man said, emerging from his stupor fist, “ahh, you must be – ”
“Yes, hi,” Ugetsu interrupted him. “I’m here to drop off Mafuyu’s present.”
He held out a white rustling paper bag with I ❤️ NY printed on the side. The man glanced at it but wouldn’t reach for it.
“He told me to come here.”
Mafuyu invited Ugetsu to his birthday party. Only he failed to mention the part about a party. Ugetsu found out just in time when a familiar-looking blonde man opened the front door. Social awkwardness and chaos ensue.
Takes place after the Ugetsu extra booklet that was released with the Blueray of the movie.
Ugetsu blinked at the note taped on the front door looming in front of him. A party? Mafuyu hadn’t mentioned anything about a party when he had asked Ugetsu to come over.
Stiffly, he stood in the unfamiliar staircase and listened for any party-related noises from the apartment. But his only answer was the background humming of the hallway. Hesitant, he toyed with the idea of texting Mafuyu some excuse. He could always give his birthday present some other time.
Before he let the temptation get too big, he pressed the doorbell and a sharp buzz rang in the apartment. He had made a promise, after all.
Perhaps, with any luck, he had arrived before the party.
When the front door swung open and Ugetsu found himself face to face with a short-haired blonde not-Mafuyu, two thoughts immediately entered his head. First, despite Mafuyu’s directions and the note on the door, he must have accidentally come to the wrong place.
The second thought – swiftly following its forerunner – was a cold shower of recognition that froze him in place and dropped the bottom of his stomach.
“Oh”, a soft sound escaped him before he could trap it inside.
It seemed the blonde man had arrived at the same discovery as him. Gaping at him slightly and his amber eye wide as saucers, he stood in the doorway.
Ugetsu wanted to flee. As soon as possible, by any means necessary. An earthquake. A meteor. A secret trapdoor under his feet.
No, he thought, I can’t look back. If I look back, I’m lost.
“Uhh…,” the blonde man said, emerging from his stupor fist, “ahh, you must be – ”
“Yes, hi,” Ugetsu interrupted him. “I’m here to drop off Mafuyu’s present.”
He held out a white rustling paper bag with I ❤️ NY printed on the side. The man glanced at it but wouldn’t reach for it.
“He told me to come here.”
Don’t look back. This was his trial by fire. He had taken a fourteen-thousand-mile trip to another continent to not look back.
“Haruki,” a familiar deep voice carried from behind the blonde man, “who is it? If it’s the neighbors, I already told them to – “
Akihiko’s face appeared over the man’s shoulder. Under other circumstances, Ugetsu would have laughed at how his eyes widened and mouth slacked open. Under circumstances that didn’t involve Akihiko’s arm casually around someone else’s waist.
Haruki.
So, that was his name. A soft name for a soft face.
“Anyway,” Ugetsu said, feeling how his words cut the thick air, “here.”
Again, he nudged the paper bag towards his audience, now doubled in volume and social discomfort.
“It’s for Mafuyu. I have to get going, my ride is waiting downstairs.”
There was no ride other than his own car, but no one needed to know that.
Akihiko looked at the gift bag dangling in Ugetsu’s outstretched hand like it was a foreign object from outer space. Ugetsu wanted to exclaim at the stupid look on his face.
Please, just someone take this damn thing and let me go.
Forces of nature. Astronomic events. Mr. Secret Trapdoor Handler.
If he had to stand here for much longer, he would look back. That night. The hand leaving his. The invisible vines strangling him and blurrying his vision.
“It’s alright.”
Ugetsu looked up at the blonde man’s – Haruki’s – gentle voice, just now realizing his gaze had slid to stare at the linoleum floor. Haruki gave him a small smile and pushed Akihiko’s arm off around his waist.
“You should join us. I’m sure Mafu-chan has been waiting for you.”
“It’s fine, really. My ride…”
The smile softened when it reached the amber eyes. There was something about it that unexpectedly loosened the squeeze around Ugetsu’s chest a little.
“At least have some cake and drinks. There’s plenty.”
Ugetsu glanced at Akihiko. All he received was s shrug of shoulders.
“Then,” he said, squeezing the handle of the gift bag, “I guess, for a moment.”
The heavy front door clanked shut behind his back, sealing him in comfortable homely warmth. Distant chatter carried from the apartment. The entryway had been nearly overtaken by a messy assortment of shoes. Most of them looked like something high schoolers would wear. Stiffly, Ugetsu toed off his pair and tried to leave them somewhat neatly on the edge of the chaos.
“Sorry, we’re out of slippers,” Haruki said with an apologetic smile. “And it’s a bit messy everywhere with the kids around.”
“No, it’s – “
Ugetsu loathed the hesitance in his voice. He cleared his throat and straightened up.
“It’s fine. I don’t mind.”
Akihiko snorted.
“You could say that again. Really, you should see this guy’s place.”
His jibe was rewarded with a frown from Haruki.
“Come on now,” he said and shooed Akihiko along the hallway, “you were supposed to help the kids with the karaoke machine.”
Ugetsu stifled a cringe.
“You better keep the microphone away from Akihiko. I doubt his vocals have improved since high school.”
The annoyed glare Akihiko threw at him restored some of the lost confidence in Ugetsu. He still got it.
The apartment looked like a color bomb had gone off. Bundles of bright balloons floated from the ceiling. Strips of colorful streamers dangled off the furniture. Hanging over the window was a big pastel banner that screamed HAPPY BIRTHDAY at Ugetsu’s face.
“Mafu-chan,” Haruki said, “there was someone looking for you at the door.”
The buzz of the conversation died down, and a crowd of curious gazes was glued to him. Mafuyu’s eyes widened.
“Ugetsu-san,” he said, his whole being visibly brightening, “you could make it.”
Ugetsu found himself smiling.
“Yes, despite your vague directions. You almost missed your present and souvenirs from the Big Apple.”
He handed the gift bag for the umpteenth time. He could almost see the small stars glittering around Mafuyu’s face when he cradled it in his arms.
“Thank you, Ugetsu-san.”
Compared to his entrance at the door, his debut in the living room was mercifully less stress-inducing. A small herd of teenagers was sitting on the sofa and crowding around the coffee table.
Ugetsu relaxed his shoulders and let a cloak of practiced calm settle over himself. One-on-one audiences were one thing but crowds he could handle.
“Uh, well, then,” Haruki said, looking around the room. “You need a seat! It’s a bit crowded, but – ”
Suddenly the concentration of people stirred into an awkward shuffle. The couch was cleared vacant except for one boy with dark hair that curled slightly at the tips. Silently he dragged himself to the corner of the sofa, leaving the opposite end for Ugetsu to reign over.
The rest of the kids settled on the floor in a half-circle. One of them – a boy with a poor dye-job that reminded Ugetsu of pudding – kept shamelessly staring at him.
“What would you like to drink?” Haruki chimed. “We have sodas and coffee. And tea. And water too, of course. And – though I’m not sure if it’s really…I think we have some beer, too, if you prefer something more…”
“Coffee is fine,” Ugetsu cut in, taking pity on him. “Preferably with Jim Beam, but I’m fine with black too if you’re fresh out of bourbon.”
Visibly relieved with a task at hand, Haruki gave a nervous-sounding little laugh and headed to the kitchen. Ugetsu wondered if he was silently regretting inviting him in already.
“I’ll get the cake,” Akihiko said and followed suit. “Might as well cut it now that everyone is here.”
And so Ugetsu was left in the midst of teenagers. Mafuyu seemed to have floated off somewhere in his thoughts and was absentmindedly tracing the I ❤️ NY slogan on the paper bag. Next to him was another dark-haired boy. He kept casting quick glares between Ugetsu and the surface of the coffee table. Ugetsu noticed he had strikingly blue eyes.
“So,” Pudding Head broke the silence, “who are you?”
Amused, Ugetsu arched his eyebrows at the tone that seemed to pay no heed to the fact that Ugetsu was older than him. He liked the kid already.
“I’m a friend of Mafuyu’s.”
The kid tilted his head in appraising.
“He’s never mentioned you, though.”
Ugetsu smiled.
“Oh? I was about to say the same about you.”
Mafuyu stirred back to the present and looked up from his gift.
“Ugetsu-san is a violinist,” he said as if that explained what was needed.
Pudding Head’s eyes widened.
“Violin? Like Beethoven and stuff?”
“Yes,” Ugetsu said, a bit coldly, “and stuff.”
“Are you any good?” Pudding Head asked.
Before Ugetsu could deliver a well-edged reply, Mafuyu beat him to it.
“Ugetsu-san just won a big competition in Russia. What was the – ” he trailed off, and the dreamy look returned to his eyes.
“Tchaikovsky,” Ugetsu filled in, glancing at Pudding Head for good measure, “and stuff.”
The kid leaned forward. His lively eyes were now gauging him with new intensity. Even Baby Blues had decided he was more interesting than the coffee table. Broodylocks seemed the only one not phased but was listening on silently.
“We’re on a band together,” Pudding Head went on and nodded at Broodylocks next to Ugetsu. “Me and Shizu-chan – ah, Shizusumi.”
Ugetsu glanced at the brooding boy. Yes, he definitely looked like a Shizu-chan.
“Uenoyama is helping out, too. A little. For a while.”
Baby Blues nodded solemnly. Ugetsu suddenly realized he remembered him from the live shows. So, this was the genius kid that Akihiko had sometimes talked about. Besides Mafuyu, of course, he added silently in his head.
“So,” Ugetsu asked, “are you any good?”
It seemed the question pleased Pudding Head. Gearing up to boast, he folded his arms and grinned confidently.
“We won a big competition, too, just recently. And we have a music video coming. And a big gig.”
The confident grin sharpened into a more challenging one as the kid tilted his head back and ever so slightly looked down on Ugetsu.
“You should come and see us.”
“We got an offer from a record company, too,” Uenoayama said, frowning at Pudding Head before going back to glaring at the coffee table. “But we’re still thinking about it.”
Pudding Head huffed and rolled his eyes.
“You better not keep them waiting for too long, you know. You’re not that special.”
The other boy stiffened visibly. He whipped his glare on full force at Pudding Head who – to his credit, Ugetsu had to admit – didn’t even flinch.
“I don’t remember asking for your opinion!”
Pudding Head’s grin turned almost predatory.
“That’s not how I remember it. Oh, Hiiragi what should I do?” he said, mockingly exaggerating a troubled tone and gestures. “Hiiragi, how do you know? Hiiragi, I’m so confused! Hiiragi, how are you so good at this?”
“I never you said you were good!”
Ugetsu made a mental note of Pudding Head’s name, Hiiragi, and tuned out the bickering. It sounded like it was merely just starting. His gaze roamed the apartment.
The wooden paneling and floorboards made him feel like he was enclosed in a homely nest. A chestnut, he thought absently. This is what a nest made out of chestnut would be like. The overall atmosphere was very – he searched for a suitable word – approachable. The room breathed. Nurtured. Everything seemed cared for, and they radiated that same energy back.
It certainly fit someone called Haruki.
So, this is where Akihiko had stayed back then, Ugetsu thought, quite not able to keep a note of bitterness at bay. No wonder.
No, don’t look back. You will get lost.
“Haruki, does this need more oomph?”
Akihiko’s voice caught Ugetsu’s ear from the kitchen. Instinctively, his gaze followed.
Don’t look. If I look –
The two of them were standing side by side at the counter. Akihiko was holding out a spoonful of dip. A bit taken aback, Haruki tasted carefully before nodding his approval. Akihiko grinned and swiped at the corner of Haruki’s mouth with his thumb.
– lost, I will get…lost.
Unable to take his eyes off, Ugetsu watched Akihiko’s arm find its way around Haruki’s waist again. Blushing, Haruki brushed a strand of blond hair behind his ear. He was saying something Ugetsu couldn’t make out.
“Ugetsu-san?”
Mafuyu’s voice snapped him back. The bickering around the coffee table had quieted, and everyone was looking at him. Mafuyu studied him closely.
“Hmm? What?”
“I asked if you found the record store you talked about in New York?”
“Ahh, that, yes.”
“Who buys records anymore?” Hiiragi said. “Just download an app.”
“If I ever want to fill my head with bubblegum instead of music with soul, I’ll be sure to ask for your app recommendations.”
Hiiragi bristled.
“What?!”
“Oi, let’s cut the cake!” Akihiko called from the kitchen.
Hiiragi threw Ugetsu a death glare, but Shizusumi led him away by the shoulders.
The kids crowded the dining table that was groaning with all kinds of snacks and treats. Chips and dips, gummy bears, sour candies, small sausage rolls, soda bottles. In the middle of it all, laid a square cake like a great whipped cream island topped with diced fruit.
Wisely Haruki and Akihiko took over the distribution of cake. Ugetsu heard Mafuyu say he preferred a corner piece because it had the most whipped cream.
After that, things started to get exceedingly out of control.
Ugetsu caught Akihiko’s wicked grin which turned out to be the one and only warning. But by then, it was already too late. With a shift swipe, Mafuyu’s precious corner piece came down in his face with a faint smack.
The whole room fell silent. Haruki froze in a horrified grimace. Uenoyama’s blue eyes widened comically. Hiiragi looked both surprised and impressed. The only one who once again didn’t seem phased was Shizusumi who was calmly forking down his own piece of the cake in the background.
“Happy birthday, kid,” Akihiko said.
He clapped Mafuyu’s shoulder briskly, and a small piece of cake dropped off on Mafuyu’s hoodie. Ugetsu pursed his lips to keep from laughing. Eerily silent, Mafuyu scooped off some of the whipped cream covering his eyes.
Akihiko’s grin faltered a little.
“Oi, Mafuyu, you want a napkin or – “
Splat.
Akihiko froze mid-sentence when Mafuyu mushed a handful of cream over his face. Ugetsu nearly chewed through his tongue to hold back his snort of laughter. Mafuyu didn’t seem to think such niceties were needed. He threw his head back in open-mouthed, whipped cream laughter that rang bright and sweet in the room.
Gradually, Akihiko’s whipped cream mask begun to quiver. Carefully he blinked. His tongue darted out to swipe at the fluffy smears.
“Good aim,” he said, a grin in his voice.
Haruki finally stirred from his wide-eyed horror and sprung to action. He snatched a roll of paper towels and started to hand out thick tufts.
“Honestly,” he said, frowning but not really sounding angry, “do that in someone else’s kitchen, both of you. Here, Mafu-chan, let me help you, you’ve got some in your – Akihiko, stop eating it off your face, use a napkin!”
Carefully, Haruki wiped Mafuyu’s face, holding him still by the chin to keep from making the mess any worse. Akihiko was scrubbing his face with a handful of napkins. Hiiragi and Uenoyama seemed to be edging to an argument again. In the background, Shizusumi was quietly carving himself a second chunk of the cake.
Ugetsu watched the chaos unfold from the sofa, wondering if this would be an appropriate gap for him to go on his way.
“You like the corner piece, too, right?”
A shadow was suddenly looming over him.
Akihiko stood there holding two cups of coffee and balancing plates loaded with cake on top of them. Gingerly he landed the dishes on the coffee table and sat next to Ugetsu. He caught a waft of the familiar aftershave.
Don’t look back. If I look back, I’m lost.
He cradled the steaming mug in both hands. Wafts of the strong aroma tickled his nose. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Akihiko fiddling with his cup, his fingers tapping lightly against the ceramic.
“Thanks for coming,” Akihiko broke the silence first. “Mafuyu kept checking his phone the whole night. I had a feeling it was you.”
Ugetsu hummed down at the dark surface of his coffee. He was glad he had come, too. Truth be told, he had missed Mafuyu.
Rain and snow were never far removed from each other. Offsprings of two different seasons. It took water to understand another water.
“Someone needs to tell him that highway isn’t a direction.”
Akihiko chuckled and rested his coffee mug on his knee. A familiar habit Ugetsu recognized.
But he shouldn’t look back. He needed to stop tempting the path he had set for himself.
“So, how was it? New York.”
“Dirty, expensive, and rude.”
“Your kinda place, then.”
“Exactly.”
At the dining table, Hiiragi was explaining something while conducting his animated speech with a fork. Mafuyu still had smears of whipped cream in his hair. Haruki was carving him a new piece of cake from the corner.
“So,” Ugetsu said, “he seems nice. The gentle and pure type.”
The topic made his heart pound in his chest. What was he doing? He didn’t want to talk about this, about him. He wasn’t supposed to be looking back.
Akihiko’s Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed a mouthful of coffee. The mug came to rest on his knee again. His thumb smoothed the arch of the handle.
“He is.”
“Do you love him?”
The question was out before Ugetsu could shove it back down his throat, and he silently cursed at himself. But Akihiko didn’t flinch at his frankness. For a while, he just quietly looked at Haruki fuss in the middle of the kids.
“I do,” he finally replied.
Ugetsu glanced at him. He noticed there was a smudge of cream under his chin that had gone unnoticed.
“Good.”
The coffee was strong and scalding when he took a careful sip. Just the way he liked it.
“What about you?
“Hm? Oh, I don’t think Haru-chan and I are there yet. We just met.”
Akihiko rolled his eyes.
“You know what I mean.”
“I’m too busy for love,” Ugetsu said with a dramatic sigh. “I barely have room in my calendar for an occasional beau.”
Akihiko frowned at him, mid-sip.
“What happened to Mr. Viola?”
Ugetsu had broken things off with the violist before the competition in Russia. The guy hadn’t been exactly surprised or even argued for staying together. He supposed not returning any calls or messages for two weeks put a wet blanket on romance.
“He said that my Tchaikovsky sounded pitchy. There’s no way I would let the guy in my bed on the back of something like that.”
“Naturally.”
Akihiko kept fiddling with his mug, his eyes cast on the coffee table. Ugetsu realized he was a furniture-glarer, too. Like Baby Blues.
“Just,” he said to the table, “don’t go off some deep end on your own. Or something. I know how you can get.”
For a moment, Ugetsu was taken aback. He hadn’t expected this.
“Me?” he said, mustering up a lilt. “I have competitions to win. I’ve also been wondering about remodeling the basement. Or maybe even get a new place. Or a houseplant, I haven’t decided which one yet.”
When wouldn’t raise to the tease, Ugetsu let the jest fade. He knew he was full of it, too. With a sigh, he looked down at his coffee, realizing he seemed to be of the same cloth as the furniture-glarers. He wondered if mug-starers were a rare species.
“Don’t worry, I’ll catch up to you on the being happy department. Just you see.”
Akihiko’s look softened, and the corner of his mouth curved into a small smile. It reminded Ugetsu of a certain autumn park years ago. Similar but not quite the same.
“Good.”
Uncharacteristically not finding anything witty for a comeback, Ugetsu fumbled for the plate of cake. His fork sunk into the soft pastry as he tore off a piece, covered almost entirely in thick whipped cream. Moist sweetness burst on his palette. Small surprises of fruit and berries popped off on his tongue.
“I saw your competition a while back. Fourth place?”
“Shut up. I was just a bit rusty.”
“A bit? It sounded more like you had suddenly forgotten your middle finger existed.”
With irked vigor, Akihiko stabbed his slice of cake.
“Your trap could stop existing sometimes.”
“But it did remind me of your Brahms,” Ugetsu went on, pondering. “From high school. It sounded like you had actually thought it through.”
“Gee, thanks,” Akihiko grunted around his mouthful of cake, “nice to hear it didn’t sound like I was just swinging it.”
“But the solo was shaky at best. If you don’t do something about that bowing, then you better get comfortable at the fourth place.”
Just as Akihiko was about to let Ugetsu know, in no uncertain terms, where he could shove his bow, the kids started drifting back from the kitchen. They sprinkled around the coffee table with various snack-souvenirs. Shizusumi reclaimed his old spot at the deep corner end of the sofa.
Haruki cast an unreadable glance at Ugetsu and Akihiko sitting next to each other but went quickly back to hosting.
“Why don’t we open your presents next, Mafu-chan?”
A small stack of various gifts appeared in front of Mafuyu on the coffee table.
“Ours first!” Hiiragi declared and shoved a medium-sized rectangle gift at Mafuyu. “It’s from Shizu-chan and me.”
Shizusumi stirred in the corner.
“Happy birthday,” he said.
Ugetsu realized this was the first time he heard him talk.
They had gotten Mafuyu a pair of new headphones. Ugetsu recognized the brand; it was the latest, top-of-the-line model. He had been eyeing them not long ago, too.
Mafuyu frowned.
“I thought you said you were going to buy these for yourself?”
“You need them more,” Hiiragi said with a shrug. “It’s time you upgrade already.”
Mafuyu traced the plastic window of the package.
“Hmm.”
“What? You don’t like them?”
“No, it’s not that…I was just wondering if they sold these in blue.”
“I told you,” Shizusumi said.
“What’s wrong with orange?!” Hiiragi roared.
“We went through all the stores down the station. Blues were out of stock everywhere.”
Mafuyu blinked at them before flashing one of his soft Mafuyu-smiles.
“Actually,” he said, “I think I like the orange better. Thank you, Hiiragi, Shizu-chan.”
“Mine next,” Uenoyama cut in and lifted the biggest gift out of the pile.
Judging by the shape, it looked like a book. Only it was the size of a pillowcase and seemed to weigh a small housecat. Mafuyu tore the wrapping and peeled out a colorful, shining book cover. The Greatest Guitarists of All Time. CD-edition. A selection of notes with instructions included.
Mafuyu blinked at the heavy tome, his eyes shining.
“Uenoyama-kun,” he breathed out. “This…”
Abashed, Uenoayma frowned and glared at his old faithful, the coffee table.
“So you won’t have to keep borrowing mine,” he said. “Not that I mind, but you really should have your own.”
The brand-new binding creaked when Mafuyu lifted the thick cover and leafed through the shining pages with colorful pictures. Hungrily, his eyes scanned the instructional illustrations and bars of notes.
“Ohh,” Haruki said, peeking at the book. “I think this is the new improved edition. The previous one didn’t have the CDs. Be careful taking it home in the cold, Mafu-chan, so they won’t crack.”
There were three gifts left on the table. Ugetsu’s paper bag, a small soft-looking pastel package, and a blank white envelope. Haruki picked the neatly wrapped pastel present and offered it to Mafuyu.
“Mine isn’t as impressive,” he said, “but I hope you’ll like it.”
Gently, Mafuyu undid the strings that dug into the softness. A pair of colorful mittens emerged. For the most part, they were yellow but had stripes of orange, red, and blue laced in. On the back, there was a knitted white snowflake.
“You’re always bare-handed,” Haruki said. “It made me cold just looking at you.”
Mafuyu pulled the mittens on and admired them, wiggling his fingers inside.
“Thank you, Haruki-san. I’ll be sure to keep these away from Tama.”
The corner of Haruki’s mouth twitched, and he glanced at the mittens worriedly.
“Uh, yes, I’d appreciate that. Happy birthday.”
“I didn’t know you could knit.”
Ugetsu nearly flinched at Akihiko’s voice suddenly rumbling next to him.
Haruki shifted and kneaded the back of his neck, embarrassed.
“Well, my grandma taught me and my sister. She always said that if you can do something yourself, you should.”
Akihiko leaned in to take a better look at the mittens that Mafuyu was helpfully showing off.
“You should knit something for me, too. I could use new gloves. And socks.”
“I want mine black,” Uenoyama piped in. “Or dark blue.”
“I’m not your knitting machine!” Haruki said. “Don’t just start placing orders.”
“Who’s this from?” Mafuyu said and clumsily picked the blank envelope.
“It’s mine,” Akihiko said.
“Such beautiful wrapping job,” Ugetsu snickered.
“It’s the thought that counts. And you’re one to talk with your paper bags.”
“It’s a gift bag. Not to mention a cultural reference.”
“It’s a printed logo on paper.”
“It’s one of a kind. Not everyone has a bag like that.”
“So, you’re telling me that’s not one of biggest New York cliches you could buy?”
“Just see which one will get chucked to the trash after this.”
“We recycle. That envelope is going to save the world. Your bag was probably made in some sweatshop in a jungle.”
“I won’t apologize for having a sense of style, unlike – “
“Ah!” Mafuyu exclaimed. “Now, I can buy the new pedal!”
Ugetsu’s eyes widened at what Mafuyu was holding up in his mittens. A gift card to a music shop. No, the music shop. He recognized the logo of the store.
In their first winter of going out, a couple of their classmates had cut the strings of Ugetsu’s violin. It had been the peak of torment after someone had seen them kissing in the music room. He still remembered how it had felt like a piece of himself had been violated.
The next Saturday, Akihiko had taken him to buy new strings to that store. After that, it had become Ugetsu’s go-to shop.
“I didn’t really know what to get you,” Akihiko said with a shrug. “So, I figured you could pick something for yourself.”
“Thank you, Kaji-san. Now, I can get the pedal that I wanted.”
Akihiko smiled and nodded.
“Good. Happy birthday.”
“Then,” Ugetsu said, “mine next.”
Curious, Mafuyu rummaged through the gift bag. He pulled out a white T-shirt with I ❤️ NY printed on the front and – he blinked at what had dropped on the coffee table – another gift card to the same music store.
“I’ll see your gift card,” Ugetsu said, glancing at Akihiko in triumph, “and raise you a piece of New York.”
“You mean you matched soulless cash and topped it with some tacky tourist crap?”
“Come on, now,” Haruki said with a tentative smile, “it’s not a competition.”
“But if it was…,” Ugetsu trailed off, taking a sip of his coffee.
“You know – “ Akihiko started, whipping to glare at him.
“Well, then!” Haruki said, the level of merry and volume of his voice increasing. “Mafu-chan, should you try the shirt?”
Mafuyu began to wiggle the shirt over his hoodie. With some help from Haruki, his tousled hair eventually emerged through the neckline. Smiling softly, Mafuyu smoothed the front of the shirt with his colorful mittens.
“Thank you, Ugetsu-san. It’s a perfect fit.”
“It’s culture, so make sure not to wash with the pinks,” Ugetsu said, his heart suddenly vibrating with warm and fuzzy. “Happy birthday.”
Akihiko cleared his throat and set his coffee mug on the table.
“Time to break out the entertainment. I wanted to get something memorable, but Haruki rejected all my good ideas, so – “
“Half of them were illegal ideas!” Haruki exclaimed. “The rest were just…morally questionable.”
“So, we’re stuck with Karaoke Revolution.”
That didn’t seem to disappoint a roomful of musically gifted kids with a strong competitive streak. Except for Broody Locks, of course, though he did hoist himself to the edge of the sofa. Hiiragi was quick to demand the first go which drew some resistance from the others.
Haruki began to pick up the remains of the gift wrappings and scrunch them un in a tight ball.
“Did you get the console hooked up?” he asked.
The console whirled as it swallowed up the game disk. The animated logo of ‘Karaoke Revolution’ flashed across the television screen.
“Yeah, no problem. You’re talking to someone who has taken care of everything even remotely electric you can find in a household for years.”
“Karaoke?” Ugetsu said, eyeing the console suspiciously. “That’s a bold choice in an apartment.”
“It’s fine,” Akihiko said, “I took care of the neighbors.”
“Would you stop saying it like that,” Haruki groaned.
“Well, I did. And by the looks they gave me, I doubt they will complain.”
Haruki looked like wanted to cover his face with both hands and weep.
“I knew I shouldn’t have sent out the guy with blonde hair and piercings.”
“No, Haruki-san,” Mafuyu said, holding the mic. As the birthday boy, he had rightfully reserved the first place for himself. “For threatening jobs, I think Kaji-san is exactly the one you send.”
“I didn’t say anything about threatening!”
“I didn’t threaten anyone,” Akihiko defended himself, flicking the buttons of the console controller, “I just informed them. Mafuyu, what genre do you want?”
“I need a smoke,” Haruki whimpered, rubbing his forehead in suffering. “Maybe holler out an apology or something if I see the neighbors...”
“Why does Mafuyu get to choose the genre, too?!” Hiiragi said. “He’s going to pick something impossible. I just know it!”
Deadpan, Mafuyu looked at him.
“Surely, you – of all people – can handle any genre. Right?”
“Sorry,” Akihiko said, “birthday rules. Mafuyu gets to pick.”
“Just nothing too loud, okay?” Haruki reminded over his shoulder before stepping out to the balcony.
“I think this is my cue to take my leave, too,” Ugetsu said and stood up.
His legs had gotten stiff from sitting. Blood rushed to his head from the sudden change in altitude.
“Really?” Mafuyu said, looking disappointed like a puppy who was left home. “Already?”
“Sorry, my limit goes at karaoke.”
“Do you need that ride?” Akihiko said. “My bike’s here, I could drive you.”
It had been a while since the last time Ugetsu had sat on Akihiko’s bike. He still remembered the weight of the machine between his legs. The exhilaration of pressing against Akihiko’s broad back as they leaned into the corners. But that seat behind him wasn’t his place anymore.
“It’s fine, I’ll manage. I will have a smoke before I leave, though.”
Akihiko didn’t comment, but Ugetsu could feel his eyes on him as he zigzagged through the crowd of kids. He found a pair of familiar dark green crocks next to the door to the balcony. They were still the ugliest things he had ever laid his eyes on.
The balcony door creaked when Ugetsu pushed it open. Immediately, cold February air rushed in to greet him.
Haruki turned to glance over his shoulder. When he saw Ugetsu coming out, his eyes widened and he started coughing.
“Got any of those to spare?”
Ugetsu nodded at the blue pack of cigarettes.
“Uh, sure,” Haruki wheezed.
The film of crinkling wrapping was still a bit warm from Haruki’s hands when Ugetsu dug out a cigarette. There was a dark red lighter stuffed in as well. Its flame trembled in the cold air but hung on to its short-lived life honorably.
Ugetsu drew a deep breath, just now realizing how he had been craving for a smoke ever since ringing the doorbell.
“I never really took to the taste of Mevius,” he said, giving the package back. “Seven Stars is my brand.”
“Ah, I see, well,” Haruki said, conjuring up a light tone.
The metal railing was icy cold when Ugetsu leaned on it. He huddled up in his too-thin shirt, trying to wrap himself tighter. A mixture of vapor and smoke swirled out between his parted lips. Haruki cast him a side-eyed glance but didn’t say anything.
Ugetsu wondered what would happen if he just let the silence linger.
“It’s a nice view. You can see the whole sky.”
As if to confirm his words, Haruki looked up. The late-night February sky was dark but illuminated by the sea of artificial lights from the city below.
“Oh. Yes, it’s nice especially in the mornings.”
Ugetsu rolled the cigarette between his fingers. His thumb followed the round edge of the filter tip.
“My place is a basement. You can’t really see much of the outside from there.”
He drew another drag of smoke, let it sit deep in his lungs for a while before letting it escape.
“But I think I prefer it that way.”
Haruki’s shoes scraped against the cement floor as he shifted.
“Uh, well, to each their own, I guess.”
The first beats of Karaoke Revolution carried faintly from the inside. Ugetsu could hear Mafuyu’s vocals. He didn’t recognize the song, but just listening to Mafuyu’s voice helped him relax a little.
It’s okay. Right, Mafuyu? If I look back, it will be okay?
“He seems happy with you. Akihiko.”
Haruki visibly flinched. Like whiplash, he looked at him. Ugetsu noticed his cheeks were a bit rosy – from the cold or the fluster, he couldn’t tell.
“I – uh – ,” he stammered for words, “I don’t…really know if…I mean…”
“I don’t mind talking about him,” Ugetsu dragged on the cigarette and glanced Haruki, “do you?”
For a while, Haruki’s mouth opened and closed but nothing came out. His eyes darted nervously around, and he tucked his hair behind his ear. Ugetsu wondered if he had a nervous habit of doing that. It was kind of cute.
“Well, I suppose it’s – if you want to, then, I don’t…really mind, I guess.”
“Are you sure? It’s your balcony.”
Ugetsu waited. He wanted to give Haruki a chance to take it back and leave.
Going once, he counted in his head.
Going twice.
But to his surprised, Haruki stayed. His gaze settled on the scenery of rooftops in front of them. His hands were fiddling with the pack of cigarettes.
“No, it’s okay.”
Ugetsu blew out the smoke.
Sold to the cute blonde with gentle eyes.
And so, looking down at the February night stretching over the city – so different yet similar to his view from the hotel room in New York – Ugetsu finally looked back.
“I came to watch him perform that one time after he moved out – when he placed fourth,” he began. “I guess I had to see it for myself. When you guys had your live show, I kind of had a feeling, but…”
Ugetsu swallowed and took a steadying breath. The cool winter air brushed against his cheeks soothingly.
It’s okay.
“I wasn’t completely sure until listening to his violin performance. That’s his sound that I’ve always known the best. But that’s when I fully saw it. He was playing like he used to. Well, not really – he had let himself get rusty. But at the core, it was the same sound.”
He remembered sitting in the packed concert hall. Not knowing what he would hear. Not knowing what he wanted to hear. On one hand, defiance sat heavily on his chest. On the other hand, hope made his skin prickle with nerves.
But in a few strokes of the bow, Akihiko’s violin had opened a channel like a wormhole in Ugetsu’s mind. He was back in the music room. Skipping classes together. The smell of the dusty music sheets. The warmth of the heater against his back. Akihiko practicing with him.
Fighting the burn of tears, Ugetsu had closed his eyes and let the relief wash over him. The Brahms Akihiko had chosen had been his private piece of absolution. It was all still there, still safe in Akihiko; his love for music.
It was the least lonely Ugetsu had felt since Akihiko had moved out.
“That’s when I fully realized,” he said in a low voice, almost more to himself, “he had gotten his music back.”
His heart pounding heavy, Ugetsu lifted the cigarette to his lips. He noticed his hand was trembling a little, and he doubted it was entirely from the cold.
“Have you always played in a band?”
Perplexed at the sudden change of topic, Haruki’s hands ceased their nervous twiddling.
“Yes, I played in my girlfrie – um, with a different group before Given.”
“Do you think you could ever give up music? For good?”
Haruki frowned.
“I…I have never really thought about that. But no, I don’t think I could ever give up music completely.”
Ugetsu smiled a little.
“Good. I hope you never have to. It’s the worst feeling. Worse than death.”
He almost laughed at the way Haruki’s eyebrows shut up.
“Well, maybe not that dramatic,” he admitted. “But something close to that.”
He looked at the dark, vast sky opening above them.
“To me, my music is freedom. I’m not very good at expressing myself, I guess. But music is…transcending. It doesn’t need pesky things like words.”
Now, it was Haruki’s turn to look like he wanted to smile. His eyes softened.
“I know someone else who once said something similar. But I think – from where I’m standing – you’re both doing just fine.”
Ugetsu wet his dry, chapped lips. Immediately, the cold night air attacked the moisture.
“Maybe. Usually, the things I want to say – what I know are true inside me – come out warped and wrong. I hurt Aki a lot like that. Me and my mouth.”
From behind them, Mafuyu’s singing switched to Akihiko’s deep vocals. It had been a while since Ugetsu had heard him sing. Sometimes he had used to hum under his breath to the radio while cooking. He didn’t have perfect pitch, but he easily went with the flow and could summon up an amazing level of poise.
Ugetsu smiled around the stub of his cigarette. Akihiko had always been like that. Walking down a packed hallway in a girl’s uniform and execute the perfect kabedon on the loudest homophobe in the school took poise if anything.
“But that’s beside the point,” he continued. “What I’m trying to say is that Akihiko did that. Gave up his music. And I could feel it was because of me. I would have had to be blind to not see that.”
Haruki went back to remaining quiet, but his hands didn’t return to their restless dance. Ugetsu was relieved. He was getting to the hard part, and Haruki calming down gave him an odd sense of comfort.
“I think,” he went on quietly, Akihiko’s singing in the background, “when two people love each other, they also…change each other. Almost like molding. With us, too. Akihiko changed me, and I changed him in return. And I think some of those shapes we put in each other will never leave.”
They had fallen in love in the music room, but they had gotten to know each other in the basement. On the outside, the basement had looked still and quiet. But inside, there had been one of nature’s most curious transformations underway. Two individual souls rippling against each other, overlapping and exploring.
It was a beautiful and wonderful chemical reaction but also violent and gruesome. To fit together, the souls needed to be molded – bits of them were destroyed, and not all of those pieces were rebuilt.
“But the longer we stayed together,” Ugetsu mused, “there more I realized that I was changing in ways I didn’t want to. I was getting so wrapped up in Akihiko that I wasn’t really thinking about my music anymore. I was chasing him instead. That’s when I got…scared.”
In truth, it had been a far more complicated feeling, but he supposed ‘scared’ was at the root of it. Losing focus on his music had crept up to him in secret and undetected. He had become restless and irritable. An uneasiness had vibrated somewhere deep inside him.
Then it had dawned on him where his relationship with Akihiko was taking him. And where he was taking Akihiko, in return.
His first instinct had been to retreat. Cut himself free. Both of them.
But then he had lingered. The edge of his resolve had dulled until he was merely listlessly hacking at what kept them together.
It wasn’t fair. He loved Akihiko.
Why did he have to choose? Was this the price of loving someone? Could he ever pay it for anyone?
Please, don’t ask this of me, he had wanted to plead. Anything else but this. Not his music.
Ugetsu let out a humorless chuckle.
“The irony was, though, while I was struggling to keep my music, I could see Akihiko giving up his. He was giving me a part of himself that I never wanted him to give up. I never asked for it. But I saw it leaking out of him like there was a hole in him somewhere. And I realized that not only had I put that hole in there, but I was the hole.”
Pressure built behind his eyes, but he blinked it away. He took a shaky drag on his cigarette but found it almost burnt to the filter. The heat of the smolder had crept up to burn his fingers. A bit lost, he blinked at the stub.
“There,” Haruki said and pointed at a pickle jar at his feet.
The loose lid came off easily. Ugetsu savored the metallic clank against the glass rim. The sound was somehow hollow and full at the same time.
“Could I,” he said and nodded at the cigarettes again, “bother you for one more?”
Hurriedly, Haruki fumbled the pack for him. The red lighter spat a couple of times, but Ugetsu’s hands were too unsteady to get the small flickering flame to lick the end of his cigarette. After his third failure, a pair of cool, warm hands took the lighter from him.
“Here,” Haruki said.
Ugetsu drew on the filter, and the flame took.
“Thanks,” he said, letting out puffs of smoke.
“Ugetsu-san – “
“Just Ugetsu is fine.”
“Then, Ugetsu,” Haruki continued, “can I ask…why are you telling me all this?”
He looked at Ugetsu straight on. Not challenging or rejecting, but with the same sincerity as when he had invited Ugetsu to join the party. To think that Akihiko had been around this person for so long, having this shoulder to lean on. He wondered if Akihiko had ever looked at him and thought if only Ugetsu was more like Haruki.
If only it had been him back then and not Ugetsu.
The thought choked him, but he pushed it behind him. For another time.
“Why? I’m giving you a manual, of course. From the previous owner. Akihiko is delicate.”
“Delicate? He doesn’t…look very delicate to me.”
“Ahh, don’t let the piercings and fierce glare fool you. They’re all part of it.”
A small flock of blinking lights slid across the dark sky. An airplane. Ugetsu wondered absently how much tickets to Europe would cost. Rome. Prague. No, maybe Paris. Maybe he could talk his manager into letting him take another intercontinental trip under some violin-related pretense.
“But I guess,” Ugetsu said, “I also thought you looked like the type who would listen to me. Despite everything.”
Yes, maybe Paris. He could drink too much expresso. Sit on a patio, judging people passing by. Get lost in the narrow early evening alleys. Let some French man sweet-talk him thinking Ugetsu didn’t understand what he was saying.
“I’m not sure if, uh,” Haruki said, “if I fully understand the situation. And maybe it’s not my place anyway. But…”
Haruki craned his neck to look at the sky. Ugetsu wondered could he make out the blinking plane, too. Did he ever just want to buy a one-way ticket and not look back?
“But I think I understood at least a little bit. So, I’m glad you told me.”
Suddenly, their wavering, rippling tunes brushed against each other and then met at the same note. Resonation ran through Ugetsu, amplifying and overwhelming. Unexpectedly, the two seeming opposites – spring and rain – had connected and found each other in a cold midwinter night.
Well, I’ll be damned, Ugetsu thought, gripping the railing a bit tighter.
They both flinched when the balcony door creaked open and Mafuyu’s head popped out.
“Haruki-san, it’s your turn to sing.”
“What!?” Haruki exclaimed, swirling around.
“Kaji-san said that co-hosts should do a duet.”
Groaning, Haruki stubbed out his cigarette. The jar lid clanked again, full but hollow. Ugetsu took a deep drag of his cigarette, riding the small burst of endorphins coursing through him.
“Oi, I told you – “
The door cut him off before they could hear more about the reasons as to why there was no way this duet was going to happen.
Mafuyu’s slippers scraped against the pavement when he shuffled over to Ugetsu’s side. He noticed the mittens were finally off. Ironically, he would have probably needed them right now.
“Oh, a plane,” Mafuyu said.
“Did Akihiko send you?”
“Hmm, well, you were gone for a long time. What were you talking about?”
“Nothing. Weather and politics.”
The last puffs of smoke swirled out of Ugetsu’s nostrils when he bent down to put out his cigarette as well. He wondered if he should buy a jar of pickles, too, and save it for an ashtray.
“Is everything…alright?”
“No, I can’t feel my toes anymore. Let’s go back in.”
But Mafuyu wouldn’t budge.
“Ugetsu-san.”
Mafuyu’s tone was stubborn but caring, so Ugetsu stifled his sigh. Expectantly, he waited but the kid seemed to be struggling to find the words. As endearing as the crease of Mafuyu’s brow was, Ugetsu’s feet were freezing in the airy crocs.
“Look,” he said, “I know what you’re probably thinking. Something like maybe you shouldn’t have invited me, right?”
The way the frown deepened told Ugetsu he had hit the nail in the head.
“I was just…I mean…Ngh…”
Ugetsu studied him.
Really, this kid.
“It’s pretty simple, actually. Did you want me here?”
“Yes!” Mafuyu said immediately, with no hesitation. “I really wanted to celebrate with you, but…”
“Then I wanted to be here, too. Everything else is irrelevant.”
Winter breeze fluttered a puff of snowflakes in the balcony and tousled Mafuyu bangs. His frown melted when he smiled at Ugetsu warmly.
“Then, thank you for coming, Ugetsu-san.”
“Good. Now, come on, I want to take these hideous things off my feet already.”
It seemed the status of Akihiko’s mission to convince Haruki of the health benefits of a duet was to-be-continued. Ugetsu was glad he was getting out of the way before he would find himself sitting through that.
Akihiko nodded his goodbyes at him. Haruki seemed to be buried up to his waist in the fridge, trying to make room for all the snacks. Mafuyu in tow, Ugetsu made his way down the hallway. Like a puppy, the kid watched him dress.
“Why don’t you come over sometime next week, and I’ll show you what records I got from New York.”
“Hm.”
“You can pick some if you want to. You should grow your record collection instead just of CDs.”
“Hm.”
“Thank Haru-chan for the cake and coffee for me.”
“Hm.”
“Annoy Akihiko. It’s your right as the birthday boy.”
“Hm.”
“Then, I’m off.”
“Bye-bye.”
Mafuyu was left waving after him in the hallway as the front clanked shut. Ugetsu found himself looking at the notebook page again. A grin played on his lips, he dug a pen out of his breast pocket on a whim.
He was halfway across the parking lot when his phone vibrated. Mentally groaning, he decided to ignore the troublesome thing – he had had enough social interaction for one night. But then he dug it out. Maybe he had forgotten something. It was easier to come back from downstairs than from across the city.
He halted. It was from Akihiko.
Another single-word message.
“Okaeri.”
Perhaps looking back won’t get him lost. Maybe if I look back, Ugetsu thought as he left Akihiko on seen, it will help me find my path instead.
hello!! I am a fellow Ugetsu fan (I feel we are not many but growing ever bigger in number!), I really like all your Ugetsu meta and I wanted to ask what, for you personally, would be a good point for Ugetsu’s character arc by the end of the manga. I hope we get more content from him from sensei!! And if we do, what would you like to see?
Hello there, dear fellow Ugetsu fan!
It’s always so nice to meet other Ugetsu fans! I feel like the movie grew our numbers a little. Based on what I’ve heard, seeing Ugetsu in the movie made people see him differently and sympathize with him more.
And thank you for reading my Ugetsu musings! I’m glad to hear you’ve enjoyed them.
“what, for you personally, would be a good point for Ugetsu’s character arc by the end of the manga”
This is a very good question. I think my personal vision for Ugetsu’s “endpoint” is based on what we saw in the Ugetsu extra booklet that was published with the Blueray release of the movie. I think there were a few more prominent points in there that hint at what Ugetsu’s future will look like. You can find pictures of the booklet HERE and separate English translations HERE.
Ugetsu and Mafuyu
Mafuyu congratulating Ugetsu for his win and Ugetsu sending him a squirrel “thank you” sticker made me so happy:
I really wish Mafuyu and Ugetsu will stay in touch and Ugetsu will remain connected to the story through that friendship. I understand that the whole Ugetsu-Akihiko-Haruki arch is done now, but I could definitely see Ugetsu popping up via Mafuyu. I feel like their friendship and how they seemed to connect would be so important to Ugetsu. With Mafuyu, he would feel like someone out there does understand/listen to him. Mafuyu not only sees Ugetsu but also tries to reach him. He hears what Ugetsu is trying to say and is able to put those things into his own music which talks to Ugetsu in return. I don't think Ugetsu has that with anyone else.
So, in the end, I could see Ugetsu still being part of the story via Mafuyu. As I’ve said before, I really don't think Kizu wrote Ugetsu as some kind of villain. He isn’t an evil witch who needs to be cast out in the end. I think his relationship with Mafuyu supports that discourse and I really hope Mafuyu seeing Ugetsu as human will keep reminding the readers of that.
Ugetsu and Akihiko
Akihiko sent Ugetsu a text saying “Congrats” and Ugetsu talks about how someday the butterfly will grow beautiful wings:
When the booklet came out, I saw people - both AkiHaru shippers and Ugetsu stans - being worried about that text Akihiko sent Ugetsu. People seemed to take the message as Akihiko still being hung up on Ugetsu even if he’s already going out with Haruki. Others saw it as Akihiko being toxic because he was causing Ugetsu pain by staying in touch.
Personally, I could see Ugetsu and Akihiko remaining somewhat like friends even after the break-up. They didn't break up hating each other. Their break-up was more about being finally able to let go of each other, not about one of them doing something that broke their relationship and caused the other to hate his guts. In the end, they were both hurting and knew that they were better apart.
I think Kizu making Akihiko send that text was a representation of what Ugetsu talked about with Mafuyu before the AkiUgetsu break-up (vol. 5 ch. 27):
In Given, “music” has a lot of symbolic value and drive. It’s this infinite, abstract place that stores memories and people who have been important to the characters. But it also represents new relationships and keeps shifting in nature. AkiUgetsu had their own kind of music, and now Akihiko is playing a new kind of music with Haruki. But music will always remain.
Music will keep Akihiko and Ugetsu connected on some level. Even if they are no longer in a romantic relationship, they will always share “music”. It’s where their shared memories reside (what they used to be). It’s where they can see each other (what they are now). None of that means they are still hung up on each other. They are not getting back together. It’s more of a parallel to how Mafuyu is still connected to Yuki via music. A new dawn is breaking for both Ugetsu and Mafuyu, but music is always left behind from those previous relationships while it’s also the way for both of them to move forward.
Another thing about them remaining in contact via music is that despite everything, I think Ugetsu is happy for Akihiko. In the booklet, he talked about how neither of them was able to spread their wings in the suffocating basement. Ugetsu was unable to be free with his music whereas Akihiko had lost his passion for his music. I think Ugetsu seeing Akihiko play the violin again - playing it with motivation, drive, and a purpose - would make him happy. After all, it’s what he had wanted for Akihiko all this time. It might be laced with bitter-sweetness (like nearly all happiness in Given) for Ugetsu, but ultimately I think it would give him joy to see Akihiko fly.
So, personally I can see Akihiko still being a part of Ugetsu’s life even a little in the end.
Ugetsu’s future relationships - yay or nay?
I’ve seen people talk about if they would like Ugetsu to end up finding another love interest by the time Given ends. Some seem to prefer he didn’t while others would be interested in seeing him find someone.
Personally, I would say I’m fine with either path but lean more towards him remaining by himself in the end. First of all, I think Ugetsu finding himself a new love interest wouldn’t be a good idea pacing-wise. It would come too fast. Akihiko was already in love with Haruki by the time AkiUgetsu broke up. Living at Haruki’s place had made him realize that he had loved Ugetsu but now it was painful and suffocating.
I believe Ugetsu, on the other hand, still loved Akihiko when Akihiko finally broke up with him. That’s why it had to be Akihiko who let go of Ugetsu’s hand and walked away in the end. Ugetsu was hurting in their relationship, but he still “loved Akihiko to death”. Of course, we don't know how long it will still take for Given to finish, but I feel like it would still be too soon for Ugetsu.
Secondly, I feel like Ugetsu falling in love with someone new would defeat his overall “character”. A part of why he wanted to break up with Akihiko was how his love for Akihiko affected his music. He became more occupied with Akihiko and chased him instead of his music. I’m not saying he can never fall in love with anyone, but rather that he is now free to pursue music like had wanted to. He can now spread his wings, too, without worrying about snuffing out someone else’s.
Also, I think Ugetsu’s character could represent the idea that you don't need a romantic relationship to feel happy and fulfilled. Ugetsu strikes me as the type who could find those things in his music and be “independent” like that. If after everything he said about wanting to chase his music he began another relationship, it would somewhat reverse the journey he went through in the comic. I think if he found another romantic interest, they would have to be a well-fleshed-out character, and I’m not sure if the comic really has time for that. I wouldn’t want Ugetsu’s new partner to be some kind of sidenote in the margins since falling in love (again) would be such a big thing for Ugetsu’s character.
Overall, I’m not against Ugetsu finding someone new per se but I just think it’s not a good idea because of pacing and what it would mean for Ugetsu’s overall character development. I think it would be better if he takes time to pursue his music, figure himself out more and go for some adventures on his own, and that’s where we leave him off once Given ends.
In general, I think Ugetsu will be just fine in the end. I don’t personally want to be an angst-monger when it comes to his future. He went through something painful and is recovering but he seems to be determined to find new kind of happiness.
I leave you with smiling Ugetsu saying “daijoubu“ 🖤
Hello! I have a given question if you don't mind. I absolutely fall in love with akiugetsu and I was a little heart broken when they didn't end up together. But something I don't understand is why did they drag out this complicated relationship. They were both suffering and wanted to end it but didn't and they both were with others but still continued. If they were still in love why couldn't they work on it to be a couple again?
Hello, dear anon and a fellow AkiUgetsu enthusiast!
I don’t mind Given asks at all. They are both a nice change to 19 Days posts and also a challenge since Given is a very different kind of work to analyze.
So far, I have talked about AkiUgetsu a couple of times:
My thoughts on AkiUgetsu’s story
My thoughts on Akihiko forcing himself on Haruki
About Ugetsu and Akihiko’s lack of motivation
I will probably repeat some of the things I have already said, but quite a lot of time has passed since my first ever Given ask. I have had many interesting discussions, thoughts, and notes since then about AkiUgetsu, so I wanted to take this ask as a chance to perhaps update some of the previous things. Given is the kind of very layered and complex story that you always find new things to mull over.
To me, it looks like you kind of had two questions: Why didn’t AkiUgetsu end their relationship earlier if they were both unhappy? Why couldn’t they have tried to fix it and the story took the AkiHaru road? I’ll be dividing my answer according to those two matters.
“why did they drag out this complicated relationship”
I would say AkiUgetsu is by far the most complicated relationship in Given, so I don’t think there is one clearcut answer to that. Both Akihiko and Ugetsu had their own complex and conflicting feelings regarding each other. And to make matters even more complicated, they were both poor at communicating when it came to each other.
I tend to visualize AkiUgetsu in two ways: a cycle and two layers on top of each other. I think both of those dynamics of their relationship contributed to them not being able to let go of each other and dragging it out as you put it.
Circles repeat themselves, but even they have a beginning that started it all. I think the beginning of the AkiUgetsu circle was when Ugetsu wanted to break up for the first time (vol. 4 ch. 17):
Ugetsu loved Akihiko. Before meeting Akihiko, Ugetsu’s life and passion had only revolved around music and the violin. But the more he fell in love with Akihiko, the more Ugetsu realized his passion was being pulled away from his music. Instead of chasing new heights in the violin, he was “chasing” Akihiko as in his mind was more filled with him. (There were also reasons regarding Akihiko, but I will get to those a bit later.)
I think that kind of disturbance of his priorities made Ugetsu both uneasy and scared. It felt like he was losing control. His music that was such an essential part of him that it borderline defined him was becoming almost stagnated. He was in this place where Akihiko loved him and he loved Akihiko but he was staying there at the expense of his music.
The bottom line is, he didn’t want to break up with Akihiko because he didn’t love him (anymore) but rather because his love for Akihiko was threatening something that was at the very core of Ugetsu’s existence. And I feel where he was coming from in all that. In fact, it’s something I can even relate to in his character.
But it seems to me like he never explained any of that to Akihiko. He just said that they should “end this already”. That choice of words was the end result of his own contemplating, so it sounded as such as well. Like there was this laundry list of problems in their relationship, and they should put a stop to it already. To Akihiko, this all seemed to come as a surprise and shock. Like he didn’t know what Ugetsu was talking about and despite them fighting a lot, Akihiko still thought they had been happy. And if Ugetsu didn’t explain his thought process and real reasons - like I strongly suspect he didn’t - I’m sure it all sounded to Akihiko like Ugetsu didn’t love him anymore.
It wasn’t told to us in the comic, but I have always had this headcanon that Akihiko suggested they stayed roommates. Maybe he suggested it as such or maybe he originally asked for time to find a new place and it never happened. Maybe he suggested they stayed under the same roof to see if they could still be something. Regardless, I think it was Akihiko who was reluctant to accept Ugetsu’s decision. And that ultimately wore out Ugetsu’s resolve which was on a shaky basis to begin with. After all, he still loved Akihiko and wanted to be with him, and deciding to break up was painful. So, when he allowed Akihiko to stay as a roommate, it was like an in-between solution that ended up entering them both in the painful cycle.
Then for two years, they were stuck in a circle that replayed the highs and lows of their relationship (vol. 4 ch. 20):
Whenever they had been apart for a while, they remembered the good they had together. They knew each other in and out and had years of history together. It was as if they both took comfort in the other one always being there. No matter who Ugetsu dated or where Akihiko spent the night, they could still fall back to each other when it all went back to “normal”. It was familiar and safe in many ways. Ultimately those honeymoon phases discouraged both of them to seriously move on. Ugetsu dated people halfheartedly and Akihiko could feel like he was needed in Ugetsu’s life again.
But the lows of the circle were also like small break-ups over and over again. For Akihiko especially, it was like being suddenly reminded of their real relationship status. That he was in this position from two years ago once again. Ugetsu didn’t love him and he was pushing Akihiko away. And Ugetsu being unable to take the last step and make up his mind already was frustrating to Akihiko. He still had feelings for Ugetsu, so he needed Ugetsu to put an end to it. All the while he didn’t know that Ugetsu was feeling the same and was waiting for Akihiko to walk away.
So, as I said, complicated with a side of poor communication.
Besides the cycle that was very hard for both of them to break, I think they were stuck also because there were two layers in their relationship as roommates. (vol. 3 ch. 16):
Officially and on the surface, they were just roommates. On paper, they weren’t romantically involved anymore and both free to date and sleep with other people. So, in this regard, Ugetsu had a full right to date whoever he wanted without that making him a “whore”, “slut”, or “cheater” as I have seen him being called in the fandom. He and Akihiko weren’t in a romantic relationship anymore, so he was single.
But I still understand why Akihiko got angry when he walked in on Ugetsu sleeping with that other guy and why the situation escalated. Below their official relationship status, under the surface, they were still very much romantically involved with each other. Akihiko still had feelings for Ugetsu, and Ugetsu still had feelings for Akihiko. They had sex together, they were still intimate with each other. It wasn’t said out loud but they weren’t just roommates and they were both aware of that. So, when Ugetsu slept with someone else which he was free to do, it still hurt Akihiko because it disregarded what they had going on under the surface.
That second hidden layer was also something that kept them dragging their relationship on as well. They had this “roommates with benefits” relationship going on while the strings of their previous official relationship were still firmly attached.
As far as the fandom discourse goes, I think this is where a lot of debate is brewed. The two layers created this “yes, but...” situation between AkiUgetsu. And I think people sometimes knowingly ignore one of them to support their interpretation of Akihiko and Ugetsu one way or another. I don’t personally think that you can be black and white about their situation.
What ultimately kept them together was both of them being unable to let go and waiting for the other one to sever their relationship. And so, together they sunk deeper and deeper while clinging to and rekindling memories despite both being miserable and in pain. Ugetsu wanted to be with Akihiko but he couldn’t feel at peace with him and he didn’t want to keep hurting Akihiko. Akihiko clung to Ugetsu because he loved him and some of that love still lingered, but the more he refused to let go the more he was putting himself down.
“If they were still in love why couldn't they work on it to be a couple again?”
Even though AkiUgetsu is most definitely my Given OTP, their final break-up still made sense to me and I think it needed to happen. I think the end of their relationship was already sowed in the beginning of their relationship.
As I already said about Ugetsu, despite loving Akihiko, he wasn’t at peace. He was also (and originally) in love with music and couldn’t have both fit in his life without feeling suffocated. I also mentioned there were reasons regarding Akihiko to which I would come back later. I think those reasons were another big factor why their relationship couldn’t work despite them loving each other.
Ugetsu didn’t originally want to break up just for his own sake but also for Akihiko (vol. 4 ch. 17):
When Akihiko was faced with Ugetsu’s immense natural talent, he both fell in love with it but also resented it. It excited him but discouraged him at the same time. And eventually, he lost his drive and motivation for music (violin) and gave up on it.
I think that reaction was a defense mechanism of sorts for Akihiko. In the presence of such intense talent, it was scary to try his best and still come second. That would have only confirmed what Akihiko already was thinking about. So, it was safer to give up, but that was painful, too. Giving up on one’s passion doesn’t kill the passion. It just gets shoved almost violently away in a place where you can pretend to have forgotten about it. That only became easier when Akihiko started playing the drums where he could find a proper distraction from the violin.
I don’t think any of that escaped Ugetsu. He noticed Akihiko’s lack of motivation and thought it was a shame. He knew Akihiko was good and had plenty of talent, but he had lost his trigger to evolve. On some level, Ugetsu realized Akihiko was giving up on the violin because of him. That Ugetsu’s music was painful for Akihiko. That his music was making Akihiko feel and do things he didn’t want to.
So, even though they loved each other when they broke up for the first time, it was the kind of love that made them unhappy. Now, could they have worked out those issues back then with proper communication? To some extent, maybe. Maybe they could have talked about Akihiko’s insecurity and figured out solutions for it. Maybe Ugetsu could have found a balance between the violin and Akihiko.
I want to say maybe, but...I tend to lean more towards a no. To me, those issues were about how they reacted to each other. I think Ugetsu would have always made Akihiko feel inferior and Akihiko would have always made Ugetsu feel like he had to make an either-or decision. I think those feelings would have always been underlying in their relationship.
And by the time they broke up for good, I think their relationship was at a point where there was nothing left to safe. When Akihiko finally decided to walk away from Ugetsu, I’m not sure if there still was the kind of love left between them that could have been salvaged. Over the years, it had twisted and changed shades. I honestly couldn’t have seen how they could had gone back after the pain they had put each other through. Instead of loving each other like they had used to, their relationship had become more about being afraid of letting go.
I don’t think neither of them - and especially Akihiko - could realize the state of their actual feelings until Akihiko spent some time living with Haruki. It both broke the cycle but also effectively helped Akihiko see the situation from a proper distance. He had loved Ugetsu but it had turned suffocating and he was scared to go back to it. He didn’t want to go back to it. He also realized his passion for music again, now with the trigger that Ugetsu had talked about. I’m not saying all this to make Ugetsu sound like the villain or poison, but Akihiko needed to get away to see things with a clearer mind.
Then there is also the development of AkiUgetsu to AkiHaru to consider. Now, I feel like I have to make something clear before entering this part of my answer. I do not ship AkiHaru. In fact, it’s probably my Given NOTP. Personally, I don’t see any romantic/sexual chemistry between them and I think they would have been better off as friends regardless of how AkiUgetsu ended. For me to feel their relationship, I think their development should have been executed better/differently.
But all that being said, the overall move from AkiUgetsu to AkiHaru made sense. It was the poetically satisfying storyline choice for Akihiko instead of AkiUgetsu being the endgame despite everything. From darkness to light. From the basement to the balcony. From losing motivation to being driven again. From coming in second to being someone’s number one. From angst to fluff.
As much as I’m not interested in AkiHaru, I do recognize its poetically symbolic value. I think to an author, Ugetsu-Akihiko-Haruki was an excellent opportunity to build parallels and “healing” type of character development. So, as such, I understand why the story went as it went despite preferring some other routes.
Thank you for your question, dear anon! It’s always nice to bump into AkiUgetsu folks!
I wanted to make my writer’s life easier and decided to compile the AkiUgetsu story in one place, so I won’t have to scroll through the manga whenever I need to check something. Feel free to make use of this! I hope you’ll find it helpful enough.
If you catch inaccuracies, let me know. Or if you had interpreted some things differently.
