#akkojournal

[pharmacity-weekly]

censor warnings for gore, hallucinations!

I’ve gotta write the news.

It’s been months since I’ve done that.

Months since I’ve properly journaled, too.

And yet… I don’t think I can be the newsgirl, what with me still being unable to tell the difference between reality and fiction.

what’s all in my head, and what’s real before me.

I can still see her, sometimes. When I wake up in the mornings, before the other… things come to mind.

It’s her that I see. The way her hair drapes across her face, the way she’s so obviously curled up as if Moss was right there beside her even if her dog was back.. home…

Sometimes she wakes up before fading.

and those days, she looks at me the same way she did when I let go.

and then there are the horrors.

the smell and taste of blood, no matter where I go or what I’m eating. Not even my favourite foods can get.. the taste.. out of my mouth.

The sights, too. Sometimes, it’s like I’m back in that goddamn hallway, watching from a third point of view as it all goes down again. Her. I swear to god, it was the real her and not that… pharmacist. In that room and at my door. I don’t know where she went, nor if it really is the Airi I clung to. Then and now..

That reminds me, I should.. probably wash that bag. And… probably wash those keychains. gently as I can.

Just… one step at a time.

I should probably note my general symptoms too- in case I ever find something that might help.

Right now, it’s a lot of auditory and visual hallucinations. I’ve mentioned the blood, but I can also hear that goddamn laugh. It’s sickening. I’m also.. generally really grouchy nowadays. Not something I’m proud of.

Current options are:

go back on vitairi (easy way)

continue with tea (current method, not my favourite)

Or… cold turkey. See what happens. That usually brings headaches, though… worse than usual.

[asleep-beneath-the-willows]

why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do

[asleep-beneath-the-willows]

oh the urge to run from the few people who love and care about me looking real nice. a little too nice.

haha. I have.. partial control now what if I just-

[asleep-beneath-the-willows]

two more days til I tell her.

I.. I don’t know if I’m ready. but she and the others really.. really need to get out of here..

[asleep-beneath-the-willows]

this cannot last forever. Nothing can, really..

[asleep-beneath-the-willows]

a soft, gentle song is heard throughout the space. it’s clear, but empty- as if something is coming, and there’s no other path.

“we stay close though we’re lost and unsteady.. but still, but still, I just can’t seem to hear your voice…”

she’s right here beside me, and yet I have to let go..

[asleep-beneath-the-willows]

I have to get them out.

They’re not safe. They’ll never be safe- nobody is in this godforsaken city-! I have to let them go, she has to let me go.

[asleep-beneath-the-willows]

the more I get my memories back, the more I realize how different I am.

I can see the way she looks at me. Pitiful and gentle but it’s.. it’s not that look she’d give me across the classroom. It’s not the glances she’d sneak while I was playing with moss, it’s not her gaze as I climb up the perfect tree to get her that beautiful sky photo for her painting.

The way she’s scared. I.. I try not to let her know. but I can see it. The way she clings to me, the way she says she loves me, but even if I say it back.. there’s longing in her eyes.

she wants the old me.

and Im not her.

I.. I don’t think I can ever be her again.

..

Yknow, we promised. Through thick and thin, we’d always be friends at least.

But it’s hurting her. She needs moss, she needs her aunt and uncle, she needs..

everything but me.

I can’t.. hold her back like this.

I can’t hold the others back like this, either. Kichi’s distant again as if we never reconciled. Kojika tries so, so fucking hard but I… I can’t.. be that same energetic girl..

…

Maybe I am pathetic. Maybe the pharmacist was right, I am a coward.

but I can’t go home.

and they’re not safe here.