V2l0aGVyaW5nIEF3YXk=

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[asleep-beneath-the-willows]

two more days til I tell her.

I.. I don’t know if I’m ready. but she and the others really.. really need to get out of here..

[asleep-beneath-the-willows]

this cannot last forever. Nothing can, really..

[asleep-beneath-the-willows]

a soft, gentle song is heard throughout the space. it’s clear, but empty- as if something is coming, and there’s no other path.

“we stay close though we’re lost and unsteady.. but still, but still, I just can’t seem to hear your voice…”

she’s right here beside me, and yet I have to let go..

[asleep-beneath-the-willows]

I have to get them out.

They’re not safe. They’ll never be safe- nobody is in this godforsaken city-! I have to let them go, she has to let me go.

[asleep-beneath-the-willows]

why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do that why did she do

[asleep-beneath-the-willows]

the more I get my memories back, the more I realize how different I am.

I can see the way she looks at me. Pitiful and gentle but it’s.. it’s not that look she’d give me across the classroom. It’s not the glances she’d sneak while I was playing with moss, it’s not her gaze as I climb up the perfect tree to get her that beautiful sky photo for her painting.

The way she’s scared. I.. I try not to let her know. but I can see it. The way she clings to me, the way she says she loves me, but even if I say it back.. there’s longing in her eyes.

she wants the old me.

and Im not her.

I.. I don’t think I can ever be her again.

..

Yknow, we promised. Through thick and thin, we’d always be friends at least.

But it’s hurting her. She needs moss, she needs her aunt and uncle, she needs..

everything but me.

I can’t.. hold her back like this.

I can’t hold the others back like this, either. Kichi’s distant again as if we never reconciled. Kojika tries so, so fucking hard but I… I can’t.. be that same energetic girl..

…

Maybe I am pathetic. Maybe the pharmacist was right, I am a coward.

but I can’t go home.

and they’re not safe here.

[asleep-beneath-the-willows]

.. yknow maybe that pharmacist was right. maybe I am pathetic for wanting to leave. for leading them on in the first place.

..

.

I.. I need to think about something else, don’t I?

[asleep-beneath-the-willows]

literally why can’t I handle this. they love me I know they do and vitairi is getting better so why the hell does it feel like im hearing my parents fight again. why does it feel like everything is falling apart it’s not. it’s not im okay so why do i wanna run from them again??? why am i like this.

[asleep-beneath-the-willows]

oh the urge to run from the few people who love and care about me looking real nice. a little too nice.

haha. I have.. partial control now what if I just-

[asleep-beneath-the-willows]

.. it’s nice, to have them back.

but it hurts. less.. physically now, though those flowers did make it hard to keep stuff down for a few days..

..

part of me still wants to run.

silly, isn’t it?

[asleep-beneath-the-willows]

fUCK she LITERALLY visited like. THE OTHER DAY. I should KNOW it was PAINFUL. PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY. Why can’t I remember??? I remember the fact I promised I wouldn’t forget her but what about when we met? our kisses? I..

everything. Her name. Her face, her voice, hell the reasons I loved her in the first place..

they’re all too distant to see now.

they’re gone. and I don’t know if I can get them back.

am I just?? fading away??? have I doomed myself to this??? I don’t want to die I don’t want to be lost without a trace. I want to grow up by their sides. I want to marry her I want to grow old together with her no matter how bitchy she gets that her arthritis won’t let her paint or some shit.

I want to live. truly, desperately live.

.. I really hope they find me one day. at least once, even if for a sliver of a moment, before I disappear for good.

at this rate.. I won’t.. I won’t last, will I..?

[asleep-beneath-the-willows]

so tempted to just walk off the roof of the building but noooo I have no control!!!!! over anything apparently because I’m starting to forget my moon’s face again!!! the sound of her voice!!! even my memories are getting blurry!!! I guess I’m just destined to die!!! hahaha!!! everything hurts like hell!!! what did I do to-

no. nah. nono I did deserve this. I hurt her. I ran away.

even if I did have control, not like I’d have the balls to do it.

nh.

we are going to sit here

and let it pass.

because if not I will drive myself insane, won’t I?

[asleep-beneath-the-willows]

god this is AGONIZING it feels like I’ve just walked through a field of fucking BRAMBLES whY. AUGH. THINGS ARE RIGHT THERE WHY CANT I REMEMBER??? WHY CANT I CONNECT THINGS??

look okay. I might be on my own. I might be fucking insane, talking to myself like this and I don’t care. What I do care about though is the fact that it feels like someone’s wrapped barbed wire around me !! and PULLED!!! MAKINF IT ALLLLL NICEEE AND SNUGGG AND PEIRCING ME!! WHY?

I. guaahh!!! I cannot sleep this off I can’t. I can’t talk to anyone about this ??? She said slow down with the vitamins but how the fuck am I supposed to do that ????!!?!!!???? Those are the only things that even slightly help at this point!! it’s literally almost 8 pm I can’t just take one now and one in the morning??

actually

wait

what if they just

stack.

..

.

.

maybe.. maybe one now will soothe it enough to let me sleep, and the one in the morning will make it all go away..?

..

..

.

.

it’s.. not like I have any other options, do I? Hahh..

[asleep-beneath-the-willows]

I wake up from my fatass escapism nap and what I assume to be

THE AIRI MOMOI

is in

MY APARTMENT

and yknow it really is this kind of stuff that has kept me from absolutely dissolving into that blissful nothing.

like yeah I have no control over my body and everything fucking hurts and I can’t see my girlfriend and also SINCE WHEN DID I BEFRIEND HER??? hi girlie what’s up HOW DID YOU FIND ME HOW ARE YOU HERE ????? I chose this place SPECIFICALLY because that PSYCO ASS DOPPELGÄNGER would have a MUCHHH harder time finding me if I was not literally living in the visible alleyway behind the newsstand. am I going to have to move once I get back?? how many people know where I live????

haha once. what if I never get back. that would be silly goofy.

…

.

ah. well. actually that wouldn’t be silly. that’s actually kinda scary….

would they even remember me if I entirely faded away?

[asleep-beneath-the-willows]

it hurts so much to even think about things now.

hah. ironic isn’t it? how much I wanted to forget, and now that I actually am…

I don’t want to let it all go.

maybe I’d be right to fade away already.

Stop all this suffering.

she would’ve given up after what happened at my apartment. she has to.

if she didn’t.. I..

I don’t deserve that.

If I can forget, she can move on and I won’t be hurting anymore. Right..?

.. maybe I should go back to sleep. I’m not thinking straight, am I?

then again, when was the last time I did?

[s4nctum]

[asleep-beneath-the-willows]

I wonder if she misses me

or if she’s moving on

if I’ve made her cry

or if she’s stayed behind.

I should let go

she has every right

to hate

and yet I hope

she still loves me

all the same.

Am I still the sun

the way you were the moon?

Can I watch from afar

in hopes of running into you?

or maybe you’ve found a warmer star

one who treats you better

than I could ever

im sorry for all I’ve done

all that I broke

and what never came to be.